My New Step Son Is Really over Waight!

I think getting cps involved would only cause more problems. And for you to do that would be bad not on this child but on the relationships that his parents still have to keep for the kids sake. Genitics also play a role both his mother and father need to set down and have a talk. You can help but the mother and father are the ones who really need to help this child. He may not listen to you but he will listen to his parents.

You have a very difficult situation. I would try this.
1. Set an example for him - no soda in the house, no potato chips. No food while watching TV. No soda. Serve more vegetable. Do activity as a family - go to the park etc.
2. Try to get him involved so HE feels more responsible for HIS food choices. He doesn't have to starve to loose weight, he will loose it if he makes better choices. I really liked the idea of "hero" described below. Or maybe Weight Watchers?

Good luck. I hope he (with the help of others) will be able to reverse potentially catastrophic effects of his obesity. It will change his life.

Unfortunately, I think all of the options I can think of would cost money. But, whether society likes to recognize it or not, over eating is just like anorexia - it is a control or medicating issue (at least in my opinion). My father died when I was 12 due to being severly obese and i have struggled with my weight all my life. It is my coping mechanism - instead of doing drugs, drinking, starving, etc., I eat and it shows up on my waistband. He is at serious risk for a multiple of problems. I think at least he needs a physical and some counseling to help him deal with whatever his causing him to overeat. If the divorce case was through Colorado Courts - he can motion the Court to modify the parenting plan to require diet modification or that mother get him medical attention/counseling etc.

I guess what I am trying to say is that there are several options, some cost money, but something is absolutely necessary for this young guy as he is in grave danger. healthy foods, exercise, etc are all good ideas but will not work if he feels awful about himself or his parental situation, etc. DHS is always an option if the child is having medical issues that are not being dealt with - but I would think that his father would be lumped into that equation as he has the ability to get him help as well. Hope this helps. Good luck!

This might sound mean but I would tell his mom that you will turn her in as a unfit parent. This might make her realize that her son needs help. Now that he is having chest pains, something might get done about his weight problem.

I don't know how it will work but I am trying somthing somewhat the same with my kids, not for weight but more for responsibility. But maybe you could try giving rewards for his effort in losing the weight. Maybe you could try giving him a dollar or 2 for every pound he loses. I think as well that if he sees you and the other family members eating healthy and do fun active activities that it might be more of a motivation for him. I really like your thought on telling him it is getting healthy and not using the overly used "Diet" word. My sister has the same problem with her daughter and I am going to give her the same suggestion. She is recently divorced from her husband and lives about 4 hours away. She is so concerned about her daughter getting really sick from the poor health and breathing problems of her daughter. It is hard when you don't have the partisapation of both parents, which is why if you put a reward in the mix for all his hard work, he just might be able to make the healthy decisions that he should on his own. Just show him that he has support and love. Good luck and I hope you do find somthing if not this that will work for him.

obviously you are not in a position (being the new "mom" aka "threat") to just tell his mom to get a clue but presumably being married to his daddy you have contacts with other women in the family that might be able to talk to her? The heart pains sound really concerning. Maybe you could try talking to your hubbie's mom (her old mom in law) about your concerns) and ask her to maybe show her articles about risks of childhood obesity without mentioning your name? just some thoughts.... It is very difficult to have any opinion in a child's life when there is another (possibly super defensive) mommy to contend with. Been there. done that. Obviously you are tryiong to love the kids of your husband's past marriage as your own but I can imagine how difficult that would be (dealing with the ex) vs how easy it is to love defensless little kids. All the best to you in doing so!

i would have a talk with your husband about your stepson's weight. maybe your husband and the mother of his son can sit down and discuss the child's eating habits and how they are affecting the childs weight. instead of giving the child diet pop try juices that are rich in vitamin C. just because its diet doesn't mean it doesn't contain sugars. sugars add weight. they are just another form of fat. obesity in kids can effect the childs emotional, mental, and physical skills. you could also try not frying anything instead bake most meats. next time you go shopping have the child help you pick out more healthy meals and then have him help you make the meals. kids like to be included in almost anything it makes them feel apart of something. and talk to him. ask him what he thinks of his weight. talk to his teachers, the counselors. but the first step is for the husband to sit down with the mother and have a real in depth talk with her about their child's health.

wow!! first you need to get his mom to get a clue. doe sshe want her son living a life filled with health problems and teasing from being over weight? his weight is crazy for his weight. second diet pop and foods with artifical sugars are even worse for you then regular foods. these products contain a chemical that is called aspritame. this chemical is broken down in your body as phamaldihide. it also makes you crave carbs and has an affect on kids and how they learn. i check every label on foods for these types of chemicals and even have my babysiitter making sure that she does not give these type of products to my girls. as far as your step son you need to get him into some kind of fun fitness routine. does your town have a local rec center? also make sure that when he comes to your house there are no junk snack foods just fresh fruit and vegetables. take all sugary drinks out of your house and replace them with bottled water and 100% fruit drinks. the one that my girls love are called naked juice and theres nothing artifical in them. that way he learns to like healthy food. second you should possibly hae your husband to bring up with his lawyer the possibility of having his son live with you guys. obviously his mother is not concerned with his well being so maybe he should be with someone who is. if you want to talk more drop me a note. hope this helps.

MY what a sitch! As a nutriiton advisor I mean no harm in asking this, but what is your whole family diet like? I ask because if the whole family eats a certain way then he will have to buck up and eat what you all are eating! I just find that making it a family event is SO MUCH better for everyone and easier too. Being twelve and hearing diet is terrifying, so that's why I say make it a family thing. With the mother.......MAN (hufff), okay well since your husband is his father let him make the medical decision to get a doctors help and then let the mom know how serious his weight issue is. How will she feel ( all of you feel) if this young man has to be an example of teenage obesity and death? Maybe it needs to be seriously presented to her that way. I am gravely concerned about the chest pains issue and the mom needs to get on board and let his dad be the proactive one in this matter.
What a hard sitch, I wish you the best!

To start I am not an expert and I have never been in your situation so I most likely will be no help. But if I were in your shoes I would use the scare tatics. Make him watch Super Size Me the movie, which shows the harmful effects of eating fast food everyday. Then maybe you can take him to a hopsital for obese and do a day of volunteer work there and show him what can happen to him if he does not make changes in his diet. And if that does not work, when he is with you on weekends plan for a very active things, go for a walk, go to a game be basketball, lacrosse what ever but play that sport either before or after you go. This way he can learn about what you are seeing and get the exercise in.

With the complaining of heart pains, talk to his Mom and if she has nothing to say then you need to fight for the right to be able to care of these children medically as well as lovingly. you are very right to be concerned about this, type 2 diabetes is a growing problem in the US and it can be cured by just losing weight and living healthier.

Good luck

Hi S.,

A friend of mine has a son who was 200 pounds and size 44 at the age of 15. What she did was to go on family walks everyday for 15 minutes a day, and she started using a product called CLA which is about $35.00 a bottle (180 capsules)at GNC (Sometimes they have a buy one get one special.) He started taking 1 capsule with every meal. It took about two weeks before her sons appetite was changed. Now at the age of 16, he is a trim 160 pounds and wears a size 33 pants.

My husband and I are also taking the CLA and I can see a difference in his tummy. I am having a difficult time loosing because its not that I eat too much, in fact I rarely am hungry when I wake up, not until afternoon. I am a diabetic, who does not exercise that 15 minutes a day, so my metabolism is slow.

Another idea is to help him identify false hunger, and real hunger. False hunger pains stop after about 5 minutes, whereas real hunger the growling does not go away. Snacks should be (if he has to have McDonalds try the fruit parfait, or apple slices, also the chicken wrap is less calories than the hamburgers, so maybe you could have his mom help you curb his appetite.)

Hope this helps....

Best regards,

C.

I think you might regret getting Child Protective Services involved---not saying that you would---but I am sure he already feels like he's in the middle of his Mom and Dad, I think that would make the division grow even more. Is it possible he is emotionally eating from his parent's split?

I will say I used to frequent McDonald's and take my kids there for all the wrong reasons---mainly the toys!!!! After I watched "Supersize ME" it was enough to make me nauseous at the thought of eating fast food. As a family we have drastically cut back our fast food intake. I am not sure how you could incorporate this movie so your stepson could watch it without it seeming like one of the battles in the war against Mom and her job---but I do know it helped me.

As far as soda, there are a lot of statistics out there---"Give up your soda a day habit and in one year lose 30 pounds!", "Diet soda is worse for you because the artificial sweeeteners actually trick your body into conserving calories.", on and on......I don't keep soda in the house anymore. It is for when we eat out or if we have company over and then we drink it until it's gone. It is by no means something I pick up on my weekly grocery store trip. And since I have gotten rid of it, even when we do eat out the kids usually get milk or water on their own.

Hope this helps. Best Wishes.

Oh Man. That poor boy! Since the mom works for McDonalds she probably thinks its fine. All I can say is watch "Super-Size Me". It will really open your eyes about how truly bad McDonalds/Fast food is for you. Its truly an addiction. I hope the dad can help you with this fight, because the health of his son is worth it.

You have to take the focus off of food (and soda)- with so much attention focused on what he eats (and drinks) at that age and with what he is going through is a recipe for an eating disorder disaster! He may be trying to control the only thing he has any contol over. That is one power struggle you do not want to get involved in or perpetuate.

I like what the famous and well-loved pediatrician Dr. Bill Sears has to say about issues with food. You can find out more at: AskDrSears.com. There is a nutrition section. I think one of Dr. Bill Sears' sons- Jay, maybe?- was on Dr. Phil today!

FOCUS ON MOVEMENT, moving more, don't even call it exercise. Park at the far end of the parking lot, take the stairs instead of the elevator, buy him a pedometer if you can so he can track how many steps he takes in a day, motivate him with competition if he is competitive, rewards (if you don't yet know what motivates him ask his dad or mom) and most of all find out if there is a sport he likes or class he would like to take such a s karate and GET HIM IN A CLASS!

GO TO DRPHIL.COM if you missed today's show on obese kids. Dr. Phil's Ultimate Weight Loss Solution book (for adults) is really good and I know there is also a weight loss book especially for teens- I don't know the name of it but you can probably find it on drphil.com, too- BUY IT FOR HIM!

RISE ABOVE PLACING BLAME. Instead, strive to be a solution-oriented helper who makes a difference in this kids life! The ripple effect will blow our mind. You could be the person who helps save his life, and he may be the next President of the United States of America. You never know...

Sending love to the boy and hoping you can see with loving eyes past his weight and at the little boy hurting inside.

Check out Dr. Phil's website today. I happened to catch his show today and it was about obese kids. Best of luck!

A.

Hi there! I would stop all diet drinks as well. Diet drinks trick your body into thinking you are receiving calories, when you aren't. So, many people who switch to diet drinks do not see a weight change and might actually gain some. The artificial sweetners used in diet drinks are also very toxic. Many are made from chlorine sources or were discovered while making a pesticide. Splenda is NOT made from sugar. It has a sugar molecule on it, but it also has a chlorine molecule.

In addition to what you are already doing, how much exercise does he get? Is he in a sport? He needs to be exercising. There are mini boot-camps and other things he can do. It might be best to try that boot-camp in the summer. Otherwise, bring him to your city pool on the weekends and get him involved with swimming or other exercise that you ALL can do on the weekends you have him. The pool is GREAT for kids like him and if you get him in classes it can be that much more fun!

Good luck! You are on the right track.

I would try to get him involved in a weekend activity like soccer, baseball, or track. This would at least keep him in some sort of shape. It is really hard to enforce diets and things when he is only with you on the weekends. Maybe you can try to do some research on childhood obesity and give some print outs to his mother. Maybe this might scare her into seeing that she is not helping her child by giving him everything he wants she is indeed killing him. Try to have your husband request (depending on your relationship with his ex) for you to go to a doctors appointment with her and yourstep son and try to see if the doctor can give her some "wake up" information. Other wise you are between a rock and a hard place sweetie. I wish you the best of luck. This is a touchy situation because she may take it like you are trying to tell her how to raise her kid and that my dear will not go over well. I have no step children myself but I was a step child so I can kinda feel you. If she does not respect your opinions and advice the child will not either. So be strong and stick to your ways. As long as you talk with your hubby and have his support you will make it through this.

Best Wishes,
E.

Hi S.

About everyone get some family couseling, there is more going on here than an overweight kid. And the parents need to step up and be parents not just the kids friend.

I would reccomend that you get a person of authority (Child Protective Services) involved. If someone does not act soon, he could have severe life long repercussions. I have worked in the medical device field as an engineer for medical device companies for almost 10 years and he is just being set to have serious issues if someone does not step in. His Mom should be the adult and realize the problem and if she refuses, then the only other recourse I see is to get CPS involved. Good luck!

I believe that excess weight on anyone (child or adult) is a symptom of a problem of dealing with life. I belong to OA, Overeaters Anonymous, a 12-Step fellowship that helps me live life without the compulsion to binge, graze, and use food to "make" me feel better.
Have a ____@____.com free to email me, too, ____@____.com.
I have eaten to medicate my feelings in the past and OA has helped me gain new coping tools rathern than turning to the food. There is children's literature available, too.

I would have your husband schedule a doctor's appointment for your step-son and have the mother attend to. Tell the doctor your concerns prior to the visit to ensure he knows that education about healthy eating habits and the possible repercussions of making poor choices are your primary focus. The doctor is not going to disagree with you. If she won't go, then at the very least, the boy will hear it. I too agree eliminating soda is altogether is a good idea. I'd also let him grocery shop with you and ask him if he'd prefer "A" or "B" with dinner (both of which would be healthy choices. Give him options, but not free reign. My son has four overweight parents and step parents, but we have educated him about what food does - carbs for energy, protein for muscle, etc. He doesn't drink soda and asks for milk or water with every meal at home or out. As far as your husband not being able to take a day off to take your step-son to the doctor because of high child support, I'm sorry, but that's bunk. One day's salary is a small price to pay - there are always places to cut so you can manage it.

S.,
This is a long entry so bear with me...
I know this is a tough situation. I don't mean to sound mean so please don't take offense. I understand that you are frustrated with the situation and I'm not an expert but I do know that this child is in GRAVE danger of becoming hospitalized or worse. First you need to tell your husband to get his priorities straight. Have you tried to sit down with him and explain how concerned you are and that his son is obese? Maybe he doesn't see the urgency in the situation. Nothing should come before the well-being your family. If he won't listen and his ex won't listen I would take your son to the doctor myself regardless of what needs to be signed. Get in the doctors faces and make them understand that this child is in danger, that he's having chest pains and that something needs to be done. Talk to anyone you can about this. You really need to be aggressive. Do you have joint custody? Do either of you have lawyers that could help you get full time custody? I would think that because you are their step mom that you have some right over medical decisions. Maybe your husband needs to sign over his half of the medical decision making to you because you are their guardian.

I also think that you need to educate him. Contact dietitans that specialize in helping overweight kids. Explain to him what eating fast food every day will do to him. Explain what eating the right kind of food will also do for him. Try and get him interested in his health. Make it fun and interesting maybe by taking a cooking class together or making it a ritual to cook at home. If he like burgers and fries then try to make them at home. Explore the healthy and fun aspects of eating. Does he play sports? If not get him outside to kick a ball around or toss a football. Start with half an hour a day. Go out with him and play and take him to a park. Try and get him as active as you can. You could park far away in a parking lot instead of waiting for a closer spot or you could take the stairs. Maybe even try and get him into an activity group after school for kids that are over weight. Lastly, don't loose hope. It sounds like you really care for these children. Something can be done about this it's just a matter of finding out what it is. Any dietitian will tell you that eating is a way of life so maybe it's just a matter of changing your way of life when he is around.

I hope I have helped in some way. Just remember to be proactive. Every chance you get, hop in the internet and educate yourself on this situation. I'm sure that you are not the only mother who is stuggling with this, especially in America. This is a huge problem with our kids. Maybe you could also find a group of other mothers that have the same concerns. My heart goes out to you. Best of luck.

ps...it sounds cheesey but maybe if you wrote or called Dr. Phil, he might be able to give you some advice as well. The show that is on today (2/7) is about overweight kids.

Besides remembering that weight is never about weight and maybe figuring out why his self-esteme is so low, maybe talk to a child psychologist or find out what over-eaters Annonomous is like by going first and asking the leaders questions. I found that for myself it is best to remember to have routine in his life when it comes to eating. Make sure he has breakfast more than anything else. Sumo wrestlers acctually skip breakfast in order to gain there weight. Increasing his fiber in his breakfast like having a high-fiber cereal like "Kellogg's All-bran branbuds" has 13g of fiber in 1/3 cup of cereal that can be sprinkled in another cereal if you don't like the flavor straight. Fiber helps increas motabalism and it pushes fat out of the intestines. 13g is only half the fiber a human is suppose to have a day and most Americans only have about 2g. I would make sure to eliminate sugar if you can...not if he is emotioanaly attatched to it though, you don't want to make it taboo. Just attack the emotional attatchment if you can instead and it will get better. Have special conversation time and just listen...validate and mirror his words and add nothing more to his conversation unless he asks.

Good Luck,
M.

I have a different perspective because I was an overweight child and while I won't say that I completely understand your stepson's situation, I do know that "forcing" him to diet is only going to cause him to rebel. He'll start to sneak food, if he's dead set against the "diet".

Does he have a role model, or a hero, or an athlete that he looks up to that plays sports? Maybe focusing on that person and how they eat would be helpful to get him to a new way of thinking about food.

I understand it's a very difficult situation for you because his mom is in denial about this. So let me ask you: can you guys make your time with him more active? Take him for walks, hikes, bike rides, play basketball - do something to get him moving - try to teach him that being active is fun.

If I could have had someone that cared about overweight me when I was his age, I would have been so grateful because it would have saved me years of struggle and an eating disorder. Your wanting to help him is a beautiful thing.

Does your husband have health benefits for the child that make allowances for family therapy? Could it be that if you all got counseling together with his mom, that maybe an impartial 3rd party could help her to see/get involved with her son's health?

Mc'D's does have some "healthier" choices, such as salads (just gotta watch the dressings they give you for those!) and yogurt and fruit parfaits - maybe getting him active and showing him that those choices give him more energy than the "junk" can help him?

I don't know if I'm expressing it well, but the whole "diet" mentality isn't going to work - maybe focusing on just healthy eating for the family as a whole with no emphasis can help him see a difference when he's with your family. He will feel a difference physically when he eats well vs. tired and cruddy when he eats McD's fried stuff.

Hopefully this will help at least a little bit. Keep us posted.

You need to get a power of attorney so that you can take him to the doctor, it might help to also have his mother presant. This way his mother can also be involved and might be better able to understand the health problems he is going to face. At home you guys should just lay down the rules and eat healthy as a family. Soda is soda, diet or not. And Diet soda has been clinically proven to cause health problems, I would be happy to e-mail an artical I have about it. He is 12 and as parents it is our responsibility to teach them good habits. Hang in there and get him to a doctor. Nip the problem in the rear now before its too late!! C.