I sense that my Mother-in-law prefers boys over girls. She only had one child and jokes often that they only wanted one. However, she admitted a few times that she wished she had a girl.
When I was pregnant with my 2nd child (my daughter), I told her the news of our expected baby on the way and she became angry with me. She was surprised that I wanted a 2nd child, although I made it clear that I wanted another one. She told me that I couldn't afford it. She eventually warmed up to the idea. Our third child was unexpected and she didn't take the news well again.
She was very close to my older son, who is now 12. She helped babysit him on occasion and they had a chance to bond when he was younger. Now she sees him every couple of weeks because of his schedule.
She never tried to bond with my younger two. She would take the older one out places like Busch Gardens but leave the other two out of the mix. She would take my older son to Mc Donald's each week but didn't want to bring the others until finally I had to say something because they were feeling left out.
Nowadays, she sees my younger son (7) and daughter (8) almost everyday when she picks them up from school. She says she enjoys picking them up. Says it's her way of seeing the kids, although she is welcome to visit anytime. She sees them for maybe 5-10 minutes a day, which she is happy and satisfied with.
Anyway, when I talk to her she loves to hear about the boys and their accomplishments. She rarely asks about my daughter. When she drops them off, she wants to talk to me and if my daughter interrupts (which happens often), she gets annoyed and one of us has to tell her to not interrupt. I think my daughter does it to get attention because I really feel she knows that my sons get all her attention.
Is there any way to get her to appreciate my daughter? She has been kind to her in the past, but in her eyes the boys shine. I don't want my daughter to have a low self esteem. I had relatives who for a while favored my sister when we were children, and it hurt me. As a result, I grew up with a very low self esteem.
My great-grandmother had a set of favorites. My mom and her male cousin. They were each the oldest boy and oldest girl. All of the rest of the grandchildren might as well have not existed. She would bring Christmas presents to my mom but not my aunt. There was nothing anyone could say to her to make it any other way. If it were me, I would not allow her to see the other kids if she was going to treat some of them better than the other.
My mother only had an interest in the girls. Boys she could not have cared less. Are you ready for this: when my oldest son was 3 weeks he was very ill and in hospital. Obviously we were very upset. Meningitis was possible. I was scared. I was afraid we would lose him. Her comment was "we'll you have only had him three weeks, you can't be that attached." I almost went for her throat. Never got over that.
How I grew up to be normal, is beyond me.
I can't help but wonder if you are projecting your feelings of rejection onto this relationship.
I would have been overjoyed to have a grandparent pick up my kids and see them everyday for 15 mins. Ever.
Interrupting is a bad behavior for a girl or a boy. Attention seeking or not.
Find better ways of bonding if you want but forcing the deal, won't work.
I don't have any advice, but know you're not alone. My BFF's MIL blatantly favors her grandson over her granddaughter. As the kids have gotten older they started to notice. When my friend tried to talk to her MIL about it she flew off the handle, it didn't go well.
If/when your daughter starts to notice you can just reassure her, and let her know that grandma loves her but because she only had a son she just understands boys more (pretty lame I know but what else can you do?)
My two daughters and my niece cannot stand my ex-mother-in-law because she favors my nephew. She has stated many times that she raised two boys and prefers boys over girls, knows what to buy boys for gifts, etc. Now that the kids are all grown (well almost, except for my 16-year-old who is the youngest) they have very definite feelings about their grandma. It has become a "cousins joke" between the four of them. They tease my nephew for his "golden boy" status and make fun of each other for having the misfortune of being born female.
Sadly, their grandmother doesn't get it and never will. We tried over the years but gave up because it wasn't worth the hassle. Her granddaughters are all sweet girls who would have loved to spend more time with her in her old age. Too bad she'll never have that.
My advice to you is to give up like I did. Because you can't change people.
I really don't think it has anything to do with liking or not liking the younger children and everything to do with her feeling overwhelmed by more than one child. She only had one - so she has no experience with handling multiple children.
I would suggest having your daughter call grandma and see if they can plan a "girls day out" where they go do girlie things together - mani/pedi; xmas shopping; or just lunch and a trip to the library. Once that bond begins to form, there will be no stopping it.
Next thing you know, we'll be reading that your daughter spends all of her time with grandma and YOU miss her! LOL!
Sounds like a combination of things to me.
1) She feels overwhelmed by more than one child at a time.
2) She is more comfortable with little boys than little girls.
I know #2 seems odd, since after all, she is a girl herself, but it can be true. I know when I was pregnant with our 2nd child, I wanted a girl, but was a little scared since I was so "familiar" with little boys. I would have been happy with another son, since I felt like I knew what I was doing with boys at that point (my son was almost 3, lol). A daughter? That was a scary unknown quantity. I know, it's dumb. Every kid is different. Blah blah blah. But it could be her mindset as well... she doesn't know what to "do" with girls.
Maybe you could arrange for a girls day and the THREE of you go do something fun. I'm not into hair and nails, but if your MIL is, then do that. Or go have brunch or tea and cookies somewhere.
Is your daughter involved in any activities? You said MIL doesn't ask about her... maybe she doesn't know what to ask. Does your daughter do dance, or tap, or gymnastics, karate, equestrian, swimming.... does she love reading books and trips to the library? What does she DO? Invite your MIL.
For the longest time, my daughter didn't "do" much. She just was dragged along with older brother to his stuff. Then she got old enough to have her own things... and she does more than he does these days. And it isn't all "typical" girl stuff, like gymnastics or dance classes. Maybe your MIL doesn't know enough about your daughter's activities to ask much. If she is familiar with Football and Tball and basketball... maybe she doesn't know that girls play soccer and basketball and volleyball, too.
There could also be a small bit of the puzzle in that she is judgmental about there being a 3rd child, especially if she knows that you didn't purposefully plan to have a 3rd. It may be subconscious.
So... try to "help" her by offering information leading into a conversation about or with your daughter, when you can. And make sure you aren't doing the opposite, which is talking only about your daughter so that she has to interrupt you to ask about your boys. Talk about all of your kids, don't go overboard the other way.
And the biggest thing of all: remember that your kids will get their self esteem from their accomplishments and their work/effort, and how you respond to the same. A person not in the core nuclear family will have way less influence. And eventually the kids will see any inequities for what they are-- a problem the grandma (or whomever) has. I know my kids learned that about some of our extended family. They don't take anything personally... just see it as the weirdo person we are related to and their issues.. not ours.
no one will appreciate your children the way you do, and no one else will love them as fairly as you do.
your MIL is involved to the extent to which she's comfortable, and if she has favorites, it's not the end of the world. you can give your daughter a little extra love to help balance it out, but you can't change your MIL. don't try.
khairete
S.
I am a grandmother of three wonderful grandchildren and I can say that it is hard to treat them all the same. I would like to throw out a possibility for you: Do you possibly favor your daughter and your mother-in-law sees this? My personal experience is that one or more of my grandchildren need me more. My oldest grandson needs us more - I see this as a grandmother, not a mother. It does not mean that we love him more or favor him, he simply gets the short end of the stick at home being the oldest. We try hard to be good grandparents but just like being parents it is not easy to be fair all the time.
My MIL never favored our 2 kids. My MIL would favor her daughter's children, but not her son's. The kids did notice. It didn't affect our children at all.
Does your son look like his dad? If so, that might be why she favors him.
This happened with my mom and my daughter and son. We are a family with only girls...my son was the first boy born in 60+ years. So when my son came along, it was no secret that my family didn't really like him. Which in turn, made me spoil him and he's a mamas boy now. lol However, it was clear my mom treated my daughter nicer than she did my son. I ignored it when he was small and didn't see it for himself. But finally I did say something to her and in a not-so-nice voice. I told her that whatever she bought or did or gave my daughter, she will do to the same for my son or she will no longer see either of them. She knew I was not playing. She shaped right up after that. So if I were you, I would do the same. Good luck.
This happened to my sister with her MIL (favored boys), and my FIL favored one grand-daughter over another. It isn't fair, but all you can do is tell your child that they might have more in common. It's hard, but at least it's not an actual parent. You could also tell the grandparent that it appears that they favor one over the other so they are aware of it.
Where is your husband in all of this? He should have a conversation with her about this. Really and truly, when the grandkids grow up, they will remember this and it will affect them in lots of ways. She also could make it so that your children don't like each other. You really don't want that, and you should explain that to your husband.
If he doesn't want to have a conversation by himself, be with him. If she gets angry and decides not to pick them up from school, then fine. It's better that she NOT pick them up than hurt your daughter. It's fine for her to take out the children alone. It's not fine to leave any child out.
Patty K. - That is one of the worst comments from a mother I have ever heard. Just wow.
I just wanted to say that you are not alone. My MIL has two sons and I think she just does not know how to be around girls. She definitely favors my son and it has become much more noticeable since my daughter has entered the tween and early teen years--she is now 13. I almost feel like MIL is competitive with her and intentionally antagonizes her. It's very strange.
My daughter can be moody and snotty at times, as most girls this age can be, especially near her cycle. While I DO NOT excuse it and still address it, I also don't take it personally or withhold affection, etc. from her because of it. When my MIL feels "slighted," instead of letting my daughter know it is unacceptable, addressing it somehow, or even just letting me know so I can handle it, she instead will do things like not go to her sports event, but go to my son's or not say goodbye to her or other petty things like that. I let it go a couple times, but my daughter had started I notice things too so I am not letting it go anymore, which now makes me "aggressive" according to MIL.
And, again, I HAVE held my daughter accountable for her behaviors and do not excuse them and it's not like its a common occurrence. MIL is also just overly sensitive in general and perceives things to be an attack on her or a "slight" toward her when they are not and seems to always direct these things at me, my daughter, and SIL. So anyway, it is possible that she favors your son and you are not alone. I have just stopped caring about keeping the peace and call her out on her behavior respectfully and not in front of the kids. Not sure if that is the best way to handle it, but my main concern is my children.
