My Mom Gave My Wedding Pictures Back!

A couple of things.

First of all, your mom is getting older. My experience of transitioning into my years as an elder ( I am 51 and menopausal )is that possessions that were vital a few years ago now look like 'just one more thing I have to deal with'--and I am ready to be done with them. It is almost like "do you want this?" is my mantra these days. It has nothing to do with loving or not loving the person who gave them to me. So, that's one thing. Another is that I can put my car keys down and not be able to find them 5 minutes later. If I am like that with my keys, which are merely inconvenient to lose, what am I going to be like with something valuable that I don't pay attention to on a daily basis? I gave my younger sister my great grandmother's ear rings for that reason.

The second thing I observe is that on some level you think your mom should keep everything because that is what you do:

I would never return my children's wedding pictures. I would change the frame or put them in an album but never return them unless I died. I'm wondering if that's because I am a huge scrapbooker/journaler and I almost live for pictures of my children.

It sounds like there is some sadness or resentment about the attention that your mother gives her clients that she did not and does not give to you. It sounds like you are using the return of the photos as one more way to prove that your mom doesn't love you. Can your forgive her for being who she is? Can you forgive her for doing what she does? What would you have to let go of to be able to simply love your mom exactly the way she is?

Ultimately, she is going to keep being who she is and doing what she does. You don't have the power to change any of that. You do have the power to change how these things impact YOU! AND there is power in having compassion for yourself and allowing yourself to feel what you feel, and share these feelings--BOT NOT IN A WAY THAT BLAMES THE OTHER PERSON OR MAKES THEM WRONG. i.e:

owning your feelings--
"I notice that I felt sad when you returned the pictures, I was hoping that you would want to keep them forever."

making your mom wrong for your feelings--
"How could you return the wedding pictures, you must not love me. You are so selfish."

4 moms found this helpful

Hi Lori -

I am sorry this happened to you. But I think it may be more than just her giving the photos back that hurts so much and there is no reason for it. It sounds like you have never been able to have the relationship with your Mom that you have wanted, and now that you have a family and are older you can not understand how she can be the way she is and you just want her to see and agree with your feelings and let you know she cares about you.

You really need to ask yourself what you want from telling her how this situation hurt you. What are your goal? Do you want her to say - 'oh I understand your hurt and I didnt mean it and I love you - let me hang them up right now?' Would that make you feel better? Would that make her understand your needs? I would guess not.

I hope I am not sounding harsh here. Maybe its because I understand this too much. See my Mother is also Narcissistic and I can tell you it hurts and is confusing. You want your mother to always be there for you, to support you, to take interested in you. But you see che cant. She is not emotionally capable of it.

I too am in my 30s and stood up to my mothers hurtful ways a little over 2 years ago and that was the last time she has spoken to us. When I say us - I mean my family - no holidays - no birthdays - nothing. She has missed more than the first 2 years of her only granddaughters life and she doesnt care. Its all about her.

I did not get the response I wanted - in fact I got it turned around on me that I was hurting her and that I had the problem. During these more than 2 years - I have called her, sent her letters and emails - trying to patch things up - she either ignores them or sends hateful response back. I have since quit. I have made it clear that the door is open - but she has to walk through it.

My father died shortly before the birth of my daughter, they were married over 30 years. The day after his funneral - she spent no time getting 'his stuff' out of 'her house.' It was all gone in a matter of days - keeping nothing.

I say all this - because I can tell that this hurts and that you want more, you want a realtionship with your Mom that others have with thiers. Just make sure you ask yourself how you really think she is going to respond to your feelings, what your goals ar and what you are willing to accept as far as her hurt and feelings. You never know what a Narcissistic person is capable of and they cant help it - they will always think they are right.

Anyway - didnt mean to rant here - but I can see in your words what I see in myself. Hang in there - be happy with your family and your life - knowing you cant change her.

4 moms found this helpful

My mom and grandma were constantly giving me pictures that I had no idea what to do with. Often they were poor quality, printed at home, or just plain repetitive. I also don't care for clutter, don't do scrapbooking except for the occasional digital photobook, and am wary of ending up at the end of my life with hundreds of photo albums that nobody ever looks at. Personally, I prefer having the pictures at my fingertips digitally rather than a million collections on my walls or, worse yet, in various piles and stacks waiting for a home. I don't have a problem with other people filling their walls, albums, scrapbooks, or photo boxes, and closets with pictures, it's just not my cup of tea.

I love my parents and grandma DEARLY, and not wanting photos is in no way a reflection of my feelings toward them. It's a reflection of how I keep house and storage, and my inability to deal with tons of physical pictures. Now they give me CDs of pictures, which is great. I get some printed now and then and trade them with older pics.

So, I'd be careful about reading into your mom's actions too much. At least she didn't throw them away!! Why don't you just ask her? It doesn't have to be confrontational, just a simple, "Why don't you want pictures?" If her answer doesn't make sense or fully answer your question, ask another question.

Good luck!

J.

3 moms found this helpful

Hi Lori,
Hope you are having a good day. My mom did the same thing.When her and dad downsized (2002)they went through everything and said to take all the photos back. I figured it was better than having them tossed in the trash. Its basically the same thing as "nesting" they were getting ready for the next phase of life. A good thing too as Daddy passed away last year (2007)and mom didn't have to go through a lot of stuff later, emotionally suffering through it. Not all moms are huggy-lovey so if your mom is "face it head on" let her know that it hurt your feelings. It might not do any good except make you feel better but that is a good thing.Just be matter fact about it. Hope this helped, have a good day.
L.

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Does she have other pictures of you and her grandkids in the house? I don't think it's odd to return outdated photos. My grandma and mother, in going through their things and "downsizing", have returned pictures to me that I have given them over the years. I am thankful, and will pass them down to my children. I'd rather they give them to me than throw them out.

Why don't you start a photo album for each child that includes pictures of the family before them. My grandma gave me a book about me for my high school graduation that had pictures of my ancestors as far back as she had them, plus pictures my mom had sent her when she lived in Peru of our childhood house and things like that. It's a wonderful gift. 25 years later, it's still one of my most treasured gifts!!

My brothers used to give my mom pictures (5 x 7 school pictures) of their kids every year. To solve the problem of what to do with the old ones, she just left them in the frames and put the new ones on top. She had a row of current pictures of all her grandkids, and once a year when she got a new picture, she would go through each child's whole life worth of pictures. It was fun to take the pictures out and see the progression!!

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I know how you feel. My mother sometimes does things like that even though she is great at nurturing, she will give back a gift I gave her or decline to attend an event that I invite her to that really matters to me. I would tell your mom how you feel about the picture, and possibly how you feel about your relationship. Just remember that she loves you like a mother loves her children and that is the strongest love in the world no matter what that looks like. Maybe she has another favorite picture of you that speaks to her more about who you are. I am sure that if she knew how you feel about it she would have kept them.

After I got married I realized that I married a man that was not very demonstrative with affection. We had a lot of problems because I was always expecting him to be what I wanted. He never measured up. We went to counseling and I realized that he shows his love in different ways than I am used to experiencing. It took a while but I kind of trained myself to see the ways he expressed his love. It also freed him up from my constant discontent and allowed him to actually feel more loving towards me. I still wish sometimes that he would just come up and hug me spontaneously but now I ask him for it and he is more than willing to comply. That tension is now gone from our marriage. It took me a while to be able to view him this way but now he comes across much more loving than I could have imagined.

A relationship with your mom is one of the most important ones in your life and if that doesn't feel right to you then I think it will affect how you feel about many other things. Good Luck!

3 moms found this helpful

You are far from off your rocker. I would have been offended as well. If she hasn't made an effort to sustain a good relationship with you, then this is probably not the first of hurtful things she may have said or done.

As hard as it sounds, you have to just take a deep breath and say "she doesn't get it". I had a great counselor when I was younger and just had my first baby. I struggled with my Mother and came to realize that she & I are very different kinds of parents. In fact, the older my kids get, the more different I realize I am (and want to be).

It's not a difference of what things you do or don't. The difference is that you enjoy being a parent while she was more disconnected for some reason. I think it's that generation. I have many friends with similar stories.

You can tell her how you feel, in fact, I would suggest it. If she listens and understands, that's great. If she doesn't, don't think it has anything to do with you. Best of luck!

3 moms found this helpful

I agree with Marda. I know that both my Mom and my mother-in-law are getting rid of stuff and cleaning out the clutter as they are getting older. My Mom lost her father a couple of years ago and she and her sisters had to go through years worth of clutter that nobody wanted. Sounds like you probably share lots of picture, and to some people (me included) it can be a burden to receive so many pictures. I don't like to throw out pictures that people send me, and I don't mind getting them every now and then, but some people send me new pics of their children 2-3 times a year. Too much! Anyway, tell your mom how you feel, but don't expect an answer that will make you feel better. Move on and realize that everyone is different.

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Dear Lori,
I can see how you might see this act by your Mother as an offence, but it might not be one at all. If your mother is disengaged from the family and behaves as if she is uninterested in your everyday world, I would say she is just not into anything but her own life. However, if she is making changes and the photos are in frames, perhaps you might ask her if she would like you to make an album of them and give them back to her. This could be a good opening for you to find out where she is on the subject of you and your family.
My daughter makes albums for me for my birthday, christmas. She has the children draw pictures for calendars and such. I am so in love with this show of affection. She knows I have box afer box of photos and thousands of photos on my computer and on disks and she knows that scraping and making albums is not my forte. I tend to leave photos on the wall for all eternity and love looking at them, but rarely change what's up there. One framed photo is nearly 18 years old. I can't bare to take it down.
So, perhaps if you make an album for your mom she will appreciate having the photos to look at without worrying about wall space. I don't know why people think once a photo is framed they have to display it. If I had my way I would paper my walls with photos and skip the frames. It just isn't acceptable practice, so I refrain.
Do talk to your mom and clear the air. Your heart must be broken over this incident and it would be so sad if it was just a misunderstanding and you are in anguish for nothing. If, on the other hand, mom is disengaging, you need to know so you can grieve and get on with your life.
My very best to you.
J. S

2 moms found this helpful

That would hurt me too. I think you should tell her how you feel. If nothing else, it will let you get it off your chest... Good luck.

2 moms found this helpful

Lori,

I thought that was strange, too. I'm assuming she gave back ALL of your wedding pictures?

If she kept a few and gave you back the rest, that would be normal to me. Like the first poster said, the only people really interested in wedding pictures are the people who got married! So, if she's keeping only a few (2 or 3), that would seem very normal to me.

However, it sounds like she has given back all of your photos. That would definitely hurt me, too.

My parents have one picture of our wedding and one current photo of our little girl. My parents are NOT photo people, but even they ask for a professional photo of their granddaughter every year. They have a small table with pictures of their grandchildren. The wedding photos of each of us (one wedding photo for each of their three children) are kept in a corner of the TV room. That's it for photos in their house.

Anyway, it sounds like you want to talk to her about how you feel. Just try to mentally prepare yourself so you won't be hurt. Assume she will not give you the response you want. Your conversation will be a "success" if you say what YOU want to say. It doesn't matter if she says what you want her to say or not.

Good luck! I know family relationships can be really difficult.

M.

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Hi Lori,
I know you have already received a lot of good responses so I hate to be redundant, but I also know that it helps to hear that other people can relate to your feelings.. & I can. You are definately not off your rocker, your feelings are totally justified.
I would also feel very hurt by my mom returning pictures, because I feel like you do in that I would NEVER do that to my children nor would I want to! I would cherish those images NO MATTER how many other ones I had& I would glue them to the ceiling if I had to before getting rid of them for lack of space! That isnt to say though that your mom doesnt love and care about you just as much as we love our kids, just that she isnt as sentimental about pictures, not all people are.
Also, I think her returning the pictures represents more to you than JUST the pictures, it seems like perhaps it is just the icing on the cake (so to speak)because you already have feelings of wishing your mom were a more involved & nurturing Mother. Her returning the pictures maybe feels like confirmation of her not being that for you. And saying "I dont have a place for them" felt a little bit like her not having a place for you. maybe I am over analyzing and you dont feel any of those things, I just know I would probably feel that way. I think the WORST thing you can do is keep your feelings bound up and be secretly resentful or secretly hurting. It sounds like maybe it isnt really easy to speak your feelings to your mom, so even though it might be a challenge, I would figure out a way to bring it up to her WITHOUT sounding like you are assuming that she did it because she doesnt care. Maybe something to the effect of "Mom, this may sound silly to you but I couldn't help but feel a little hurt when you returned my wedding pictures, i am sure you didnt mean it to be hurtful, but I guess because I myself am so sentimental about pictures, I had a hard time understanding it" OR whatever it is you feel. With your mom being a counselor, I would think she would be very open to the communication. And Most likely, she is going to say something that eases your mind and makes you understand her point of view a little better. Even if (worst case scenario) she doesnt acknowledge your feeling about it, at least you have got it off your chest instead of mulling it over in your mind over and over.
I hope you are able to talk things through and that no hurt feelings are left behind : ) Best of luck to you and Take Care!

2 moms found this helpful

Wow, that is really weird.

I am betting that she is being really sincere about thinking that you'd rather have them. I mean, if she's not gonna put them up, she probably thinks of them as valuable and special and you would rather have them in your home than leave them sitting in a drawer.

I think you should tell her how you feel though. It sounds like you want to. And that is kind of a strange thing to do.

1 mom found this helpful

I have learn that the best policy is to be up front and speak your piece. Be honest and confront your mother. I am sure she meant no harm. I see nothing wrong if your mother decided to give your pictures back, since you are, as you say, a scrapbooker. She won't think any different if you asked, but she would wonder why you were silent. And yes, its always a good thing to be in touch with your children no matter what age.

RT

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My mother in law did the same thing a few years ago - Every picture we had ever given her - including her own grandchildren!!! We were very stunned as well. We found out later that she did the same thing with all her children. So we don't send pictures anymore. Once we got over the initial shock we decided it was her loss.

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I think it is very bizarre. I think if you were one of her patients she would probably tell you to voice your opinion. I would have to say something, even if it doesn't change anything. You are probably all over your children, just to compensate for not having that when you were little.

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Oh My Goodness!
I feel like I am reading part of "MY" story. I am going through a "slient" treatment right now for something I did to help out a friend and not her. Because I am not giving in and being the bigger person to apologize for something I am not sorry about, I definitely think you should tell her! Just trying to keep peace has been and always will be temporary until she decides to do something else that you will wonder about again. I don't know if that is true in your case, but that has been my experience.
You're right! I would never expect a parent to give back the wedding picture. If she didn't want to look at it everyday, she could of asked you to make a scrapbook and she could of placed it in a safe place until she want or needs to look at them.
I am behind you in telling your mom that what she did was very hurtful and she should of put more thought into her actions before carrying it through.

Good luck!!!

1 mom found this helpful

I'm so glad you wrote about this and asked for feedback.

I would be very hurt and offended if my mom gave me back my wedding photos and I encourage you to be honest about your feelings with your mother. One way that I have found works well when I want to approach someone about feeling hurt is to use this clearing: I feel....I think it's because....I want.....I choose..... This keeps the focus on my feelings and helps me to focus on what I want from the relationship or the other person. And it ends with an empowering statement of what I am going to choose to do about the situation.

I too am in the healing profession and I know the tendency for people to use their practice as a way to hide from their own healing. Sounds like your mom may need to take a dose of her own medicine. Healer - heal thyself!!

Your honesty could help her to do a piece of this work. I hope she seizes the opportunity to do so.

M. Mitchell
Mom of 3 yr old
Reiki Master with training in hypnotherapy

1 mom found this helpful

My mother just purged through all her own photos recently (and i helped) and yes it was kind of shocking to see what she didn't want anymore. She made piled of different people's pictures (nieces and nephews went their mother and so on). And she did the same to us kids. Now I saw where these pictures were before and I can understand somewhat. They were all in a box. Not in a frame on the wall or shelf. In a box. That's not very honoring to whom the picture is of either. She did sent back all but a few pictures of my own wedding and put the others into a little flip album to keep on her shelf.
It probably shouldn't be such a big deal and just be glad she gave them to you instead of just putting them in an attic to get ruined or just left them in a box to not be enjoyed by someone.

1 mom found this helpful

Well Lori that would hurt my feelings too. I would first ask if she had duplicates and if she says no say Ok I thought it was wierd you gave me back something so sentimental to me and actually mom it hurt my feelings. In my book its always best to express feelings then bottle it up so it can become anger.
Have a great weekend

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I wouldn't say anything to my mother. I would give them as a present. Put them in a scrapbook or in new frames. Be 100% honest about how your hurt and let her know that's why you gave them back.

1 mom found this helpful

Don't say a thing. Pretend it never happened. And don't give her any more photos unless she specifically asks for them.

Some people just don't like/want pictures "cluttering" up their walls or their homes. You've already stated that she's not a nurturing person and she's very self-absorbed (and she is VERY clearly lacking in empathy) - so why are you even wasting your time stressing over this? There is absolutely nothing you are going to say or do that is going to give you the outcome you want. Would you have preferred that she not say a word to you and threw the pictures away? Your feelings probably would not be as hurt, but you probably would have continued to give her pictures that ended up in the trash. Now you know. And now you can give those pictures to people who will appreciate them.

If it will make you feel better to vent to her, by all means, vent. But if you are hoping to have an impact on her future behavior, I think you'll be wasting your time. And, based on your description of her, my guess is that she will very coldly inform you about why she is right and your feelings are baseless/silly, etc. It's probably not even worth the effort. I'd say that you should continue focus on being a better mother than she could ever be and feel sorry for her.

(And with regard to her being a counselor? I'd say that's proof of the old saying: "If you can't do, teach!")

1 mom found this helpful

Hi Lori,

Gosh, what a hard thing. I am just like you. I was totally into my children and helped to make each one feel very successful and I know they felt loved and nurtured.

Unforetuneatly, there are some women who were just not meant to be moms. Your mom is one of them. What I have come to know about these women is that the hurt she has caused you is not intentional. She just doesn't have a clue because she can't imagine that it would be something to get upset about. However, I also know that it is best to espress your feelings. You need to have a one on one with her and let her know that you understand that this was not intentional, but that it really hurt you. You also need to tell her that because you are so different from her, it is a great opportunity for both of you to see the other side of the coin. She needs to take more time to be more sensitive toward you --- she should have kept the photos in a beautiful box mark "For Lori when I am gone". She could have written a little letter about how beautiful you were that day and how proud she was of you and slipped it into the box. That way, you both get what you so desperately need. Love for you and space on the walls and dresser for her. My philosophy is that those who hurt you need to be told that they are crossing a boundary that not only upseting you but is in danger of changing your relationship with that person. As for your mom, it is never too late to repent of her hurtful behavior and learn a new way that is sensitive to the needs of others. (She sounds a bit narsistic) I do not think you are off you rocker. I think this needs to be addressed, because over the years, saying nothing only will give your mom permission to do other things that are not only hurtful, but may hurt your children also. Let her know now -- in a kind and loving way. Be her role model.

Blessings,
Laura Trettevik (Mommy M.) as my kids always called me because I collect holstein cows! I have 4 children - 3 are now married and I have 4 grandchildren so far. All are the delight of my life!

1 mom found this helpful

WOW... That would totally hurt my feelings too. I think you probably need to tell her how you feel.

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Hello Lori -

What I am getting from this is that you really want to have a close relationship with your mother and to know that she loves you. Her treasuring your wedding photo would be an indication to you that she loves you. Is that correct?

If so, did you feel she loved you before she gave back the photos?

If not, then this is likely a bigger, more complex issue and it may be likely to develop some communication skills before approaching it with her, particularly since she is a counselor and will certainly come to the table with her own communication form.

I have said it before on this site, but "Non-violvent Communication" by Marshall Rosenberg is an immensely valuable tool in preparing to explore potentially contentious or emotionally charged issues such as this. I highly recommend getting it, reading it, and going through the exercises with this issue in mind. When you are done, your new skills ought to allow you to handle this situation in a very different and likely much more effective way.

Best of luck-
D.

I don't think she meant to be hurtful. She gave your brother's pictures back too. Some of it is natural to purge. I wish I were more like her.

Hi Lori- I'm afraid I don't have any advice for you, but can share my experience.
My mother recently (shortly after the birth of my oldest boy) gave me and my sister ALL of our child hood photo's and misc things she kept over the years. I don't think she has pictures of us, other than maybe my wedding photo and a recent photo of my sister and her husband.
We were pretty shocked too, that she basically "got rid of" all of our things. As a mother, I would want to hang onto them I guess.
My personal feeling was that now that she has grandchildren (my two boys) she wants to focus on them more than us as her kids. Being a Grandma vs a Mother? I don't know what to tell you, we were quite shocked with what my mother did as well & just decided we'd hang onto our memories for our own safe keeping.

My mother is obsessed with my two boys (three and three months) but I also know my sister is not going to give her grandchildren either.

Good luck if you do decide to confront your mother. My sister and I decided not too.

M.

do you have your own copies of these pictures.. so now that your mom gave them back to you.. you have duplicates??

well.. she obviously thinks she has no need for them.. for whatever reason. To me.. it does seem odd (especially my guess is you probably have your own copies in photo albums.. so why would you want hers??? )

You do seem to need to get something off your chest... but I wouldn't bring it up "out of te blue" now... after not saying anything for 2 months. But maybe look for an opportunity to bring it up.

I have an idea. You could turn it into something good. Use those pictures for an album to give your kids someday. If there is a picture of you with your bridesmaids.. on your next wedding anniversary...make a special card for them thanking them for being there on your special day and include the picture as a part of the card... or in it. When you start working on these projects.. maybe leave them out when your mom comes over so she can see what you are doing.. then use that opportunity to say: "You know.. I was hurt when you gave these back to me.. but I think I have moved on to do something good and useful with them.. since I already had my own copies."

You will need to forgive her... even if she never apologies.. because at this point.. she probably does not realize she has offended you.. and may never realize that unless you tell her. So you can make a choice.. tell her and force an apology out of her that way... (but will you forgive her then? or hold on to it?) or just forgive her silently and move on....

or maybe this is just the tip of the ice berg and there may be some bigger issues to deal with ?? She may be a counselor.. but that does not make her immune to having her own problems.

I am sorry you are hurt by this.. and I wish for the best outcome of this, so you can use some of your mental energy for better things...

I for one would also have my feelings hurt. Weddings/marriage is a huge event in all of our lives...I would tell my mom how I felt if she did that to me. She needs to know and you need to know the motivation behind it. sometimes people just don't see things in the same sentimental light as others....
I would tell her this;
I know I said okay when you gave me my wedding photos back..but really it is not okay....I feel like you are not valuing this huge moment in my life and in your life as my mother. Is there something I can do to make it easier for you to keep them....(Maybe you could scrap something for her?) I need to know why you don't want them. I can respect your thoughts and feelings about the photos but I need you to know how it made me feel...something along those lines....
Hope it helps....yuck....that would really make me feel like my mom just didn't value my relationship with my husband either!

Hi, Lori, that is so diffcult, but maybe you should ask her if she doesn't have the room to have the album, maybe she would just like a favorite of you and your new husband, and then maybe a you could make her a family page, of your wedding, and then add all your children, and fun stuff, or you could make her just a small bragg book for her, even if she doesn't show it, that might be easier for your mother who has downsized.
I would explain the reason for the gift, and I do understand, my husband and I have a combined family and together we have 13 children and needless to say we have the albums and pictures, but we are also downsizing and so we are putting our favorite pictures of our family on a cd and then we have also maded a favorite album. Well we are still working on it since pictures are still coming in, but good luck. PaulaB

My mom did the same thing several years ago and I thought it was great. Her children are old enough to be settled, & have houses of our own. Now we can share our childhood photos with our children or have them handy for that last minute class project. I think she was keeping them until we could keep them and enjoy them.

Several of my extended family have died and I have helped sort their possessions. WHAT A CHORE!! I wish they had done it earlier themselves or that we could have done it together so that I could have heard all the stories that go with the things. Perhaps your mom is realizing her own mortality and how unimportant the STUFF is?

Good luck!