My Mom Favors My Oldest Child.

Why are you letting your mom take your oldest to her house every day after school? Just because they live down the street doesn't mean grandparents get to pick and choose which child they want and when. Put your foot down and tell mom sorry but your daughter won't be visiting because it's not fair to the other children. Say it as often as needed to get your point across.

I have 3 grandchildren and at one time or another I've had each of them visit all by themselves however I usually take all 3 at once. Gives their parents a break and gives me plenty of time to cater to their every whim.

4 year olds are often easier to handle than a 2 year old. My in-laws are the same way, they prefer to watch my oldest or have him one on one b/c they have an easier time entertaining/disciplining him. Now that my youngest is getting older, they are more willing and excited to spend one on one time with him.

As for the ultimatum, it's horrible and ridiculous. It's easy to start to nitpick when you are already frustrated, but trust me, these are teeny tiny little issues, even if they don't feel like it right now.

Also, your mom may be right about discipline. My inlaws told me the same thing. We let the 2 yr old get away with tons. We disagreed. Then, I remembered, when my oldest was 2, we were much more firm with him. We tend to see the youngest as 'the baby' and not be as strict... it's a pretty natural parenting oversight.

Just breathe, relax, enjoy that you have a mom who is so willing to help out and be loving. If you want to cultivate that relationship, then ask your mom to take him for an afternoon, or to rotate days between the 4 and 2 year old visiting. Don't make it a battle, just make it a plan.

Tell her that it's junior's turn to go, and make it stick. I did that when my younger son realized that
grandad was driving away with his brother. Basically, I forced the issue. And that's probably what you should do too.

Dawn

I can't relate to your situation as I only have one child, but I know that my MIL rarely would take my daughter until she was older - around 3 1/2. Maybe she just gets overwhelmed.

First off, let me just say that my mom just passed a few days ago, so my answer is coming from recent happenings...

1. Be glad your mom is around and involved. Enjoy your time with her.

2. I have seen this with my own mother in-law. She enjoys girls more and the older grandchildren more. It is what it is, and she is not going to change (we have discussed this with her already and she sees no problem). So, therefore, we have the choice of accepting it (and her decisions) or not having our son ever see her again.

3. You are not going to change your mom.

4. There is a HUGE difference between a 4 year old girl and a 2 year old boy. My mother in-law only wanted to be with our son AFTER he was potty trained. She said she would not change diapers. And even now, she is not that thrilled with being with a boy (my son is now 9). Her favorite grandchildren are the two girls. She enjoys baking and cooking and going to Tea Rooms and such and, of course, does all of those things with the two girls.

I truly feel for you as I am the only one in my husband's family that doesn't have a daughter. So we get left out quite a bit. It is hard to see the other moms and their daughters out with my mother in-law at Tea Rooms and shopping days (of couse, they show me all the pictures and such). But, it is what it is and I am not going to change my mother in-law.

Not sure if any of this helped.
R.

Better that she takes them out together or not at all. It's not fair. My grandmother and mother did it with my sister. She was the most preferred and sided with her on everything practically. It's hurtful and the child will remember it all ways even at this age. I'm glad you brought it to your mom's attention.

Maybe she just cannot handle him and feels overwhelmed. That is how my mom always used to feel with my son - even at age 5 she would get overwhelmed (He is 7.5 now). She just could not handle that boy energy and his outbursts or his stubbornness. It would make her get extremely anxious. Another story: My dad and stepmom will invite my stepsister's older 2 girls over to their house for a week every summer but they do not invite the 2 younger boys. They say once they turn x and x (I forget - 6 and 8?) then they can come stay for a week. They just cannot deal with them. The girls are happy to read and do art and are more mature and the boys are both VERY active which makes my stepmom feel like she's going crazy. I personally don't think it is fair but it is what it is. She cannot do it. I agree with you that it is not fair. Have you asked your mom questions like, do you feel like "Timmy" is too hard? Do you feel overwhelmed with him? When he acts 2 and is difficult does it bother you? Do you simply prefer girls? Why? Try to get to the bottom of her feelings. But don't get angry at her...just listen. Tell her that he is starting to notice and feel sad when she only takes his sister. Suggest that they have one on one time without his sister so they can bond more. I'm SO sorry about this...it sucks. My mom prefers my daughter over my son and in general prefers girls but she is now good about being pretty fair and equal. When my daughter was born she was NOT fair and she showed a huge preference. After about 6 months I wrote her a letter about it accusing her of her actions and saying she needs to stop. She stopped speaking to me for about 2 months. We have not really had a deep conversation about this but at times she will mention this incident and she thinks of it as the time I was mean to her and said she did not love her grandson (which I did not say). So, it seems like she didn't really "get it" but fortunately since then she has not shown so much favoritism.

I have to ask if there is a lot more to this than the grandkid situation. If so, that has to be dealt with, either just by you in your own head, or you need to deal with her straight up on that.

If it's just this situation that's gotten rediculous, then lay down the law. She either takes the 2 older at the same time, or they take turns and each have special grandma time if she can't do both. Some people just can't do more than one, regardless of their age.

Good luck!