16 answers

My Inlaws Favor My Sister-laws Kids over Mine

I am hoping that someone might have the same issues that I am experiencing and can offer advice on how to deal. My inlaws favor the other grandkids over my kids and it really hurts my feelings. We live a few towns away and they rarely visit, call or have my kids over thier house to visit, but seem to visit often with my husband's two other sisters and thier kids. I have always been nice and pleasant with my inlaws, but we definately don't see eye to eye on a few things. I just don't understand how anyone can favor 1 set of grankids over another! Thanks a bunch for your help Moms!!! : 0 )

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I can't give any advice... just letting you know I'm sort of in the same boat...except it's my own mother favoring my son over my 2 daughters and my sister's son.... We all just try to pretend it doesn't bother us. We've brought it to her attention and she outright admits my son is her favorite kid of all time. :(

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I am a grandmother of my daughters children and my sons children. First of all, I can honestly say I love all four grandchildren exactly the same, there are no favorites. And that includes one of the grandchildren from a previous marriage. All four children are precious to Grandpa and Grandma. We both still work, we are too young for retirement. We try to spend time with all of the grandkids. We do see more of my daughter's children more because my son lives out of town. It is hard to get together because of everyones schedule. That does not mean that we love her children more or favor them any more than our sons children. I am also a daughter in law and have had issues with grandparents, but I think that they did love my children just as much, just did not see them as often. Remember, that is their son and I am sure they do not mean to hurt him. The other person who responded is right when she said that it is easier to intrude when it is your daughter, harder to know where the bounds are when it is your daughter in law. Don't forget, she is a mother and a daughter in law too.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi Remy - I have a few pretty simple thoughts... First of all, these things usually bother us more than they bother the kids.

And - you will not be able to change who your in-laws are.

Simple concepts, hard to internalize and create a different energy that you can bring to the relationships.

Your kids are not aware of who visits who and when. They are busy doing their own thing. Because you know, and you are "reading" the message from your framework, you are the one being bothered.

See the connection here? The only person you can do anything about is you - the only attitude you can change is yours.

SO - keep your kids busy with their lives and their friends. Get them together with their cousins when you can and when it's convenient.

Change the energy you bring to the family relationship. When you are with your in-laws, be cheerful and stupid (to quote Dr. Joy Brown.)

Enjoy what you can. You will find that once you adjust your attitude towards your in-laws and your relationship, things will change... Who knows? Maybe they will see changes in you and make changes in themselves!

Slow down, mellow out, enjoy your children - that's your focus.

1 mom found this helpful

I can't give any advice... just letting you know I'm sort of in the same boat...except it's my own mother favoring my son over my 2 daughters and my sister's son.... We all just try to pretend it doesn't bother us. We've brought it to her attention and she outright admits my son is her favorite kid of all time. :(

We have the same issues here and while I have an easier time letting it slide it hurts my husband terribly that his stepmother and father prefer her grandkids over his fathers. They give them more at Birthdays, watch them on occasion (they never ever watch our kids) and are just there for them much more than they are with our kids.

I think the only thing you can really do is just let it slide off your back and just let it go. If they don't feel the connection -- they just don't and nothing we do will change that and that by trying to force the issue all that will be accomplised is that the kids will see that there is a difference. So, we spend birthdays and christmas with them and visit on occasion (probably once a month or so) and let it go at that.

I know this probably isn't much help...

Hi Remy,
I think that sometimes parents do what feels natural to them. I think the other grandkids are their daughters grandkids. Usually, people see their own daughter more, but it can also depend on who lives closer, who has the greater needs, who works, who has the younger kids versus school age kids. My kids have received a lot of attention from my husbands parents. But, they live closer to us than my parents do. My parents (dad) is still working and my mom always seems to have something better to do. So, we see my in laws more than my parents. So, I don't necessarily think that it is the kids per se, but I think it is other issues. My suggestion would be that you call them and invite them over for a meal or a visit. Maybe do it on a weekend when you know your husband will be there with you. Also, you could invite them over so they babysit and you can spend a little time with your husband. Then, they get some quality alone time with the kids. If your kids are too small and you don't want to leave them yet, then do the early Sunday dinner thing. Sometimes its hard to get organized for it all, but hopefully they will pitch in and help you out in the kitchen or spend some time reading to or playing with the kids. You can always give them a few options of different dates/days to come over. Hope this helps.......good luck.

I have the same problem with my own mother. She favors my oldest and my sister's son over my youngest son. She never offers to take him overnight like she does with the others so we just don't go there very often. I don't really have any suggestions just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Maybe you should try speaking to her about it and explain to her how you feel and how your kids enjoy spending time with grandparents just as much as the othe grandkids do.

Maybe it's an age thing, meaning, are your sister-in-laws kids a little older? Perhaps they connect more with older children than younger ones? Or vice versa, they may like the babies but not the kids that need attention? Maybe try having your kids send their grandparents an invitation to a pizza party, or a brunch, try and start getting in the habit of doing things together more often? Your in-laws might be creatures of habit, and are used to going to visit the other grandkids. You can also try picking a venue outside the home to meet at that they might find nice. Also, it may be a comfort issue. For instance, our place is not as comfortable as some of the other people in our family, and my mother and my in-laws aren't fans of staying over (they all live far away). I try not to take it personally, but it's very difficult. Maybe it's our not-so-great sofabed, or the cats, but we have a hard time getting folks to visit.

I have the same issue with my own parents believe it or not and it really stinks.My niece and nephew are definately favored over mine.it does hurt but luckily my son doesn't notice because he doesn't see or hear what goes on when he's not around. I don't understand either and bringing it up never helps because they will deny it. Because of this and other things we don't visit too much.They actually show favortism towards my sister in law over me.She also feeds into this. I have done nothing wrong it is awful. My sister deals with the same thing from them.We just deal the best we can. T.

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