My Husband's Email Address I Didn't Know of..chatting W/gals Is This Cheating?

A similar thing happened in my marriage right after our first child was born. I found some websites on our computer. My husband and I got a bit of counseling and he agreed to be held accountable by a close friend. We installed the free X3 watch on our computer (www.xxxchurch.com); it emails me every two weeks with every questionable website visited including chat rooms and social sites. It has been 4 years now, and it hasn't happened again. We are very open with each other now...I tend to get really caught up with the kids and forget about my husband sometimes. Though this is still no excuse for him to cheat, it does make him feel lonely. Now he tells me how he is feeling and we plan a date night or something.

I am really sorry that this has happened to you. I know it is very hurtful! Does he know that you want him to talk to you the way he talks to the other women? I would definitely tell him exactly how this makes you feel and what you want and expect in your relationship. And then I would seek counseling even if it is just for you. I think it will help a lot.

Good luck and God bless!

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Ask him if he would mind if you started chatting with other men and sending pictures. If this bothers you then yes there is a problem. and it's your husband. I met someone online through a game, and he lives in another state. He is very smart and fun to talk with. Our conversations started going in other places and I found myself being very attracted to him and wanting to meet him. But yes I am married,
One day he just cut me off and never spoke to me again, I was heart broken..... He knew what he was doing and what needed to be done , I was the foolish one. I believe that there is an attraction that can occur online...I'm proof.
Don't sell yourself short honey. I'm sure thier conversations are not about baseball,and you know that too. A friend of mine who is male was dating two women saying that they were all just friends. He said yes I go out with this one on certain nights when she's off, and the other on other nights.... But they know about each other and we're all friends. I said OH so you 3 go out togther sometime and he burst out laughing and said NO that never happens.
If you don't mind sharing your husband with other ladies , because one day just maybe one of them will want to take it to more places than the computer screen.

YES!!!!!!!!!
You don't have to have a physical relationship with someone to cheat. He is also totally unavailable to you emeotionally if he is having sexual conversations with another woman. HArd to address the issues when he is in denial though. Good luck this is not a good problem to have. I wouldn't ignore it though, I doubt it will ever go away unless addressed.

It doesn't matter if it can be classified as cheating and don't waste any words arguing over that point. The point is that he is being sneaky and he knows darn well he shouldn't be doing this, and how would he feel if he found you doing it. The fact that he doesn't talk to you like that might be that he is a victim of that old macho thinking that a wife has to be pure and then there are sluts. So it is sort of a compliment to you. Send an email to the women and tell them he is married and his wife, the one writing to her, doesn't want him to be doing this. That will embarass them too and probably end it from their end. don't make threats because that can get you in trouble legally. Collect and give him some facts about the addictive hold pornography has on people and it begins somewhere and for him it is beginning here and he is treading on thin ice. Does he want to end up on the sex offenders list? One of these girls could be a policeman and they are entrapping him. That should really scare him. and it is the truth.

First of all, you can let your husband know that the "privacy act" is not an adequate defense for doing something wrong. It's like busting your kid with pot and having him tell you you're the wrong one for invading his privacy. Sorry - it doesn't work that way. When you break the "laws" of the home, you are accountable, end of discussion.

That being said, I wouldn't worry about trying to properly define this as "cheating" or not. There's no hard and fast rule on what constitutes something like cheating. If his actions in this case constitute cheating in your mind, then that's what it is. There's no magical rule book that you need to confer with. Check in with your feelings and acknowledge them, then deal with them in what ever way you feel is appropriate. Some women will let these types of things go. Some women will not. It's all about what YOU feel, so be honest with yourself and honest with your husband. That is the best place to start.

Good luck! I'll be thinking of you.

I would look into marriage counseling. If he refuses then go just for you. If he is hiding things from you than something is wrong. He may or may not be actually "Cheating" however a marriage needs trust. He has definitely thrown a wrench in the whole trust factor! It seems to me he wanted to be found out. There were some serious boo boos he made if he didn't want you to find out...
I would not make a big stink of it ... again look into marriage counseling and discuss it there.

I would definately consider this cheating. I told my husband, "Anything you do or say to another female that you wouldn't do or say in front of me... is cheating". I would definately be making a big stink. Blaming you for being in his business is just his way of averting guilt. Now had you checked the email and found nothing maybe then you could feel silly, but you were rightly curious. Had I been in your shoes my son and I would be sleeping at my mother's house for sure.

You need to decide how you feel about this. To me cheating is a done deal... no room for discussion. Some women have the ability to forgive though, I don't. The fact that he was able to have a secret email address and have secret email relationships means he has no qualms about keeping secrets from you. Can you learn to turst him again? I hope so for your sake... if so, you're a better woman than me. Good luck hon. Be strong. Don't let him turn the tables on you.

How dare he.

Being that this is a nice moms' site, I will not use the actual words that I'd like to say. This means I am not able to really comment at all.

Yeah..I would be VERY P.O'ed!! Especially if these are ladies he met online and didn't already know them...like he searched for this type of thing. I don't think I would consider it "cheating", but I would still be very upset, hurt, and suspicious of other things going on. Very sorry for your situation! Good luck

You should try to see a recent Oprah show on why men cheat (or look up info on her website). After seeing that show you would say that your husband is absolutely cheating on you. I am so very, very sorry for you but you need to know the truth now and move forward (either with or without him). Get counseling and legal advice asap. Also, you need to know for sure for your own health. Good luck to you.

I don't think this is "cheating". I don't think it is nice to you and understand why you would be upset. Many of the guys I know would say that it is like fantasizing and unless a physical act took place it is not cheating. Funny thing is it may be another guy and he not know it. haha I think that unless they actually met in person it is not cheating but would definitely tell him to take care of his needs in other ways because it bothers you for him to do this. If he listens I would say the issue is over. Sometimes if it is talked about too much that might just cause him to physically cheat since he is being accused of cheating anyway. If that happened I personally would think that the trust would be broken. That is just my opinion. Good luck to you and I hope this is resolved in the way you need.

is it cheating? well that is completely up to you and your relationship with him. if it where my husband and my relationship, i would say it wasn't really cheating.....but that doesn't mean i wouldn't be very upset about the entire situation. something to raise a stink about?! heck yeah....especially if he was talking in a way that he doesn't even talk to you like. things like this lead to other things and i would say that people should keep themselves out of situations like this....because the next situation is gonna be "i didn't plan for this to happen, but it just happened" i always tell my husband if its something you can't openly talk to me about then you probably shouldn't be doing it and i also live by that rule. you should not hide your feelings about this but talk it out and go from there. you have every right to feel the way you feel about it no matter what anyone says, only you know your relationship and what it's limits should be. good luck

I had an experience years back, where my (first) husband had a picture of a nude woman in his wallet. One of those disgusting ones I guess is the best way to put it. I wasn't snooping, I needed money to pick up some cleaning and I think he even said go ahead and take some out of my wallet. My girlfriend said maybe he even knew the woman. Anyway,
I imagine the horror I felt when I saw that was the same as the horror you felt finding the email things.
In addition to that we had a lot of other problems and hence he became my first husband and I have a very nice second husband. However...
but in talking to my second husband I am learning that guys think they aren't cheating when they do things like that. Who knows what they think they are doing as many women feel cheated upon with these things ( I might want to add in this is after I had a fight with my very nice second husband who decided to take in a strip bar one time ). The final resolution was, after I went to years of marriage counseling with my first husband is that I told my next husband that I don't think he would like it if I did the same thing back and I meant it. Although he could just be really sneaky (I still don't rule anyone out on those things), he seems to be rather understanding about the whole thing. But you might let your hubby know this, two can play that game if it continues. And mean it. You can also spend a lot of money on marriage counseling but you have to know that it is you that you are working on as he might still not be swayed. I totally feel bad for you. You were violated in a way. Your trust has been robbed and that is what needs to be restored.

Yes! It doesn't matter if he hasn't had a sexual relationship. Plain and simple it is inappropriate and violates the basic trust in a relationship.

Sorry P. to hear that your husband has been up to no good! Absolutely, you should make a huge stink about this! I would consider this cheating!!!! He is mad you got into "his business", or does he mean he is mad because you "caught him red-handed! (doing something that is obviously so wrong!)" It's a good thing you did find this yourself. Kudos to your detective work! A lot of women find never find this secret information out, or find out when it's too late, when their sleeze balls are caught in bed in the act. You have every right to be hurting. What he has been doing is completely wrong & yes, I would consider this a form of cheating. Get counseling immediately. What your husband has been doing is wrong & my prayers are with you at this time.

People define cheating as many different things . . .

To me, if my husband was wanting to be with another women he dealt with on a daily basis or knew in real life (vs. fantasizing about pamela anderson), i would consider that "mental" cheating and would definately have a problem with that . . . even though no "act" had occured

In your situation, I would be very uspet and be questioning the marriage as a whole . . .but this is based on my relationship with my husband and the kind of person i belive him to be/his personality type . . .

Does that mean you should be upset? No one can tell you . . . and I think you already know how to feel . . .

if your husband keeps on shrugging your concerns off, maybe you should let him walk in your shoes for a minute . . . ask him how he would feel if he found a hidden email account for you and that you had been having these conversations with another man online . . .

I say too bad for him that you've discovered his bad behavior. Don't you feel guilty! If he was acting as if you were with him regardless of if you were or not, he would be making more relationship responsible decisions. Would he say those things to anyone in front of you? Then he has NO business saying them AT ALL!
Don't you allow yourself to think you're the one with the problem.. the only problem you have is that you are not being given the respect you deserve & you're questioning your worth!
He's lucky to have you & your kids.. he's an idiot to jepordize having a whole family and your trust soemthing difficult to get back once gone.

I think he's emotionally cheating - which may eventually, lead to physical acts. For me personally, I wouldn't be upset if it was pornography; but knowing that he has secret conversations with these other women, allowing for much more intimate relationships to eventuallyblossom would really make me take a look at the relationhip. I would seek some conseling with or without him.

I can totally understand why you feel hurt and upset and confused. Is it cheating? I don't think there's a yes or no answer. How do you feel about it? If you feel like it is cheating, then it is. In any case, the trust has been violated. I'm sure all sorts of ideas are running through your mind now. If he's done this then what else has he done that I don't know about? Things like that. And I don't blame you. But ask yourself (or ask him) if he doesn't think it's cheating why was he hiding it from you? Because you would get upset? Well, if he knew you would be upset why did he do it? I personally do think it is cheating. He had communications with other women in a sexual manner. I think that is considered cheating even if there isn't any physical contact. And if he would go that far as to have this secret email with these sexual conversations going on, whose to say that somewhere down the line he may take it a step further and actually meet one of these women in person? I think that you should do whatever you feel is right for your situation. If you are really hurt then I don't think you can just forget about it and move on. I think counseling is a great idea. If your husband won't agree to go, then go for yourself. Even a couple sessions could really help you sort through what you are feeling.

I'm actually in the same situation but its not with his email its with his phone he calls and he has text and voicemail messages that he sends and receives to other woman, at first I didn't think much of it, but when the text messages were getting more explicit it really hurt, I felt cheated not that he would cheat on me physically but he is cheating emotionally because the affection or flirting he uses towards them is something I am desperately missing. I wish he would talk to me like he talks to them. I know he would never cheat on me physically but knowing he talks to these woman, especially when I'm not around I do feel like its some kind of cheating right? I have confronted him on this he claims they are only friends nothing more, I've told him to put himself in my shoes, how would he feel if I were talking and texting other men the way he does with his "FRIENDS" his answer was I'm not the type to do it plus he's not jealous, so I thought I would test him and had one of my female friends have her brother text me and made sure he would see it, well he was super pissed about it accusing me of cheating and when I told him now you know how I feel, he said it was not the same thing. Well I hope you are able to get the answers your looking for as I'm hoping he can answer my questions to him. Good Luck!!

totally! please don't listen to his excuses or let him make you feel bad for his wrongdoings. having been in the situation myself, all it did was make him be more careful about covering his tracks and me more paranoid. no counseling, individual or couple helped the situation. he truly had a sickness. when all was said and done, am in a much better place without him and so is my child.