May 12, 2012,
J.D. asks from Albuquerque, NM on April 28, 2008
My Husband Hates My Family
I have always been very close to my family, I have a rather large family and we are always in contact. My husband knew this from day one. Once we got married he seems to look for reasons why he doesnt like them. No one is my family has done anything to him, they have helped us a lot. He is fine with that but I have to beg him to say thank you when they do. He tolorates my mohter, but when anyone comes over he wont even come out of the bedroom. Needless to say no one comes over anymore and I cant blame them. My family is not perfect but who is?? Bottom line is what they do in thier own home is their business and doesnt affect us at all none of them do drug or anything illegle work every day adn raise their family. He doesnt agree with my one sisters boyfriend therefor he doesnt like her. If someone doesnt agree with him he will hold a gruge forever.. Even the kids in the family he doesnt like, something that one of them did when they were 11 (now 17) he brings up and says he does like her. I am so frustrated and I dont think he is being fair to me. He is mad at one of my neices becasue of a miss understanding 2 years ago now he does not want her at our house ever. He tells me I can invite some but not all if I ever were to have a family gathering. How can he say this person cant come to a family gathering. Does anyone else have this problem or worked through this problem. I am so frustrated and I dont think its fair that he is making me choose between him and my family and I dont think its fair that he treat my family the way that he does. HELP....
N.Y. answers from Phoenix on April 28, 2008
Boy J. thats a tough one. We only have one family member not allowed to come over. It is for safty reasons. I cant really think of to many situations that someone wouldnt be allowed in our home. I will say that if their are in my home they are to be treated with kindness. I grew up in a large Italian family and when someone came over to your home you treated them like they were home. Never would I disrespect or treat anyone ill when in my home. Its just not Christian. You and your husband should have a long talk. You may harbor resentment toward him over the years. That wouldnt be healthy for your marriage. Keep in mind this is BOTH your house. You need to set guidlines to follow about when someone can and cant comeover. If he cant do that maybe he should go out for the day. Good Luck
D.H. answers from Flagstaff on April 29, 2008
I don't have any professional you J., but I do want to wish you good luck and hope that you two can communicate through this before you fall out of love with him and only see fault with him like he does to your family. Remember why you fell in love with him and start complimenting him more often...I have heard this helps. Guys need more compliments than women do, but their commincation skills are broken so they don't tell us, plus admitting it would take the man out of them, or so they think. It is easy to tell them communication is key, but face it, some people don't know how to communicate and may never learn how. My husband is very shy and he will keep to himself alot during family functions. I on the other hand am not shy and I rarely will hide in the other room when family it around. My husband doesn't find fault with people, and maybe your husband doesn't either. he might jsut be finding an excuse cuz he has social anxiety when lots of people are around and doesn't know how to admit it, so he justifies it by finding fault. "Social anxiety disorder, also called social phobia, is defined as an overwhelming and disabling fear of scrutiny, embarrassment, or humiliation in everyday social situations which leads to avoidance of potentially pleasurable and meaningful activities. Most people experience some shyness or nervousness in certain social or work situations, but for someone with social anxiety disorder, the anxiety is so extreme that it can become debilitating." He might even feel like he is having a heart attack when he knows all of these people are coming over and it embarrasses him. it is easier for a man to admit that he doesn't like someone than it is to admit they are sick. Why they do that is silly, but they always will and we all know they don't make changes in their lives easily---if ever. He may not be controlling J.. He may not be doing this to upset or humiliate you. I would look into that disorder. just know I am not a doctor or a professional...I probably watch too much doctor phil and Oprah if anything..lol
I am so sorry you are going through this and I hope things work out for you two before your marriage suffers anymore.
J.L. answers from Phoenix on April 28, 2008
This has got to be hard on you and I am so sorry!! If it was me in this situation and he really has no reason to be like this with them then I would tell my hubby that HE was the one NOT allowed to come! :-) My husband doesn't like my Aunts husband and I don't him that was fine but when we are all together he better NEVER show it! If he can't be an adult and put those feelings aside for a couple of hours then he needs to be elsewhere. Why punish your family for his feelings that seem to be unjustified? I hope this makes sense and doesn't seem to harsh!
If it does seems to harsh please everyone remember that this is my opnion and everyone has different ways of dealing with issues! :-)
J. - good luck to you and I really do hope things get better for you!
M.C. answers from Tucson on April 29, 2008
The jealousy factor in any situation is very hard to live with. My guess is that it is easier for your husband to hide and blame others than to deal with how he feels about himself. My big concern is how does it make you feel regardless of the impact on family. When our husbands feel badly about themselves unfortunately their first line of defense is to make us feel inferior in some way. Remember that you are fabulous. His feelings are about himself not you, and it is a blessing to have such a close family that loves you. It's sounds like you need to get some marriage and family counseling and maybe address why he has so many issues with your family. I find it very interesting that there is no mention of his family and the dynamic and what it brings into your family. Ultimately tho we are meant to cleave to our husbands first. We are supposed to leave home and become one with our spouse. The relationship you have with your husband is your most important and your children need to see that to have healthy relationships themselves.
K.C. answers from Phoenix on April 28, 2008
Sometimes I think we forget that our wonderful and diverse families are the “in-laws”. I myself have a diverse family. When certain people talk in my family I can make it go in one ear and out the other. However, you remember everything an in-law has said to you. Maybe something was said he can’t forget. My husband will be very open and accepting at our house when it’s my turn for a function. He also thinks we have WAY too many functions- which we do (maybe your husband thinks you have too many) and he only HAS to go to big ones. But it is a choice if he wants to go to a function with me. He actually thought up that he could go golfing w/ my dad (they’re his in-laws too) wherever we went and then they only had to “show up” and spend half as much time. I’m fine with that.
It works both ways. My mother-in-law says something not so nice to me whenever my husband leaves the room. Sometimes I just end up “having to finish my laundry” in my room.
We also have a "sick" card. If he wants to skip on a big function then he uses it and I get one to use in the future.
I think it’s better to out of sight than to say something you may regret. We can all handle being cordial for a couple of hours. Maybe give him the option that if it’s a function somewhere then he can go for half or not at all, but at your house he should at least give it a try and be cordial. If it doesn’t work then he can go “fix” something somewhere but not make it seem like he is ignoring them.
Families are a lot sometimes. Hang in there, if they are not offensive to him directly, don't seperate yourself from them.
L.M. answers from Miami on May 12, 2012
Can someone please help me.... My husband refuses to let me around my family. I cant take it anymore. I cant see my family on holidays, birthdays anyting, but god forbid his family has a an event, Im an inconsiderate.
A.A. answers from Tucson on April 29, 2008
I feel pretty bad for your situation. I just wouldn't stand for it, and perhaps getting him into counseling (marriage or whatever) is the only way. If he refuses this kind of help / safe haven to talk, then I would ask him if he's doing all of this because maybe he wants a divorce, or is severely unhappy and is taking it out the wrong way - why would anyone treat you & your family like that?? I just wouldn't be able to go on with someone like that.
S.F. answers from Phoenix on April 29, 2008
I have been through this! In my experience, Men express their fear and insecurities with anger. He is acting like a controlling little boy who will take his marbles and go home when he doesn't get his way.
I was close to my family when I got married at a young age. My husband worked evenings so I hung out at my mothers' with my little sisters. It just seemed silly to sit home alone. My husband felt threatened by this, like I didn't really leave home! He was very dominating, controlling and angry alot. I played nice to make eveyone happy until I just couldn't stand it anymore. I decided I could make his life more miserable than he was making me! So if I didn't want to do something I didn't. When he started with all his opinions about everyone and everything I stopped getting upset and just let him know that was his opinion and we would miss him at the picnic. I also started telling him that if he couldn't behave himself when he was around my family HE wasn't welcome!
I was terrifed to do this at first and terrified of him --just the exhausting fights, trouble, upset -- until I stopped taking him seriously, stopped arguing with him, stopped being defensive, and just said OK. Sorry you don't want to be with us and I love you and miss you when you are behaving! And I started to see him as a three year old throwing temper tantrums when he didn't get his way!
Hope this helps!
And good luck!
R.J. answers from Phoenix on April 29, 2008
"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh." (Gen 2:24)
Sweetheart, you already chose between your family and him. And since this is a problem within your marriage, it can only be solved within your marriage. We can all chatter back at you with our own experiences and the best-intentioned advice, and you may have felt better venting over him - temporarily - but at the end of the day, it's just you and him and this wall between you.
P.T. answers from Phoenix on April 29, 2008
What is his relationship with his family like and theirs with in-laws and extended family? Is he just repeating a pattern of learned behavior? I think that you need to have a conversation with or write him a letter that goes something like this: When you.............. I feel...................
I would prefer............. Because (tell him how it would make you feel if he tried to get along with your family and put the past behind you). Now you need to listen to why he does what he does and then see if his view is valid. If he agrees to try again you also need to be aware of things that others are doing that he finds upsetting or insulting. Example: say he says your _______ belittles him, but he is willing to try and let it go, and you get together with your family and you see that person doing exactly what he said they do, you need to confront that person and stand up for your husband. You also, need t think about what you will do if he refuses to change. Can you see your famil at their house without your husband having to go? Or meet at the park for a BBQ or something? Remember, just because your husband does not want a relationship with your family does not mean that you can't have one with them. Best of luck.
M.D. answers from Phoenix on April 29, 2008
To be blunt, he needs to grow-up and stop being a selfish child. Marriage is about compromise and that means you treat others with dignity and respect, regardless of whether you "like" them or agree with them. It would not be okay to refuse to come out of the bedroom for a new neighbor dropping by - why should it be tolerated for a family member?! Would you let your 14 yr old do that? I bet not.
You need to set some rules and boundaries for your families visits - such as the length of time they can stay, how often, etc. - but I would be adamant that he is expected to greet them, be polite and spend at least 30 minutes with them and then can leave the house for a while... not mope in the bedroom, but also not have to be with them for hours at a time. And you can make an effort to try to see your family at places that are not always your home... sometimes meet at a restaurant, at a park, at someone else's house. That way, your husband my feel less imprisoned by the visit and more able to come and go. But general politeness and respect is NOT negotiable! That goes for your family, too - you must demand and expect that they treat him respectfully as well.
If he harbors resentment towards a child's behavior, especially for something in the past, he needs to be the adult and stop acting like a child himself. He should remember that kids are not little adults and very often make poor choices and say or do the wrong things - but that should not be held against them forever. How would he like someone to do that to him? To decide that he is a bad person because of a bad choice he made in the past?! I think you two need to have a long talk about boundaries and expectations. Getting along in this world is about treating others how you would wish to be treated - not about liking and agreeing with everyone.
I strongly disagree with Natasha - this is your family, not just some colleague or friend that he doesn't like. Yes, you two need to be a team and be united in your decisions, but he must have basic respect for your family - even if he doesn't like them, he should respect that these are people you love and that are important to you. And keep in mind that if anyone in your family is rude to your husband, you must always stand up for him and not let them treat him badly. He is your chosen husband and they do not have to agree with him or even like him, but they must respect that he is your choice and you love him, and therefore give him the same respect and tolerance.
N.C. answers from Phoenix on April 28, 2008
Dear J. D,
I don't mean to routing for the other side, But i think you need to really take into consideration what he is saying. Your HUSBAND and CHILDREN come first period. When he married you, he didn't marry your family, whether you stay really close to your EXTENDED family or not. Mother-in-laws and father-in-laws you must at least tolerate if not have a relationship with. It seems as though he has expressed his feelings to you toward certain people in your family and you have totally ignored his feelings and continue to invite these people over! Then you expect him to mingle with people he already told you he was not comfortable around. Then you get upset with him that he didn't mingle or make effort. He does live there to and has a right as a person, and head of household/ protector to say I don't want such and such over. If you don't agree then you discuss it and come to a conclusion of who can come over, but you don't just invite them anyways and expect things to be alright. Your husband is your family and if he doesn't agree with certain people coming over becuase of poor decisions they made in the past, he has a right to say they can't come over. These family members are around your daughters to? correct?
Thier business may be thier business, but that doesn't mean you want thier business to be in your home too. Another thing is thier business is effecting your home, becuase you and your husband are not on the same page about it. No one is perfect, but does that mean you don't protect yourself? EXAMPLE: If you have a good friend who drives really fast and reckless all the time and has been in 3 accidents in 3 years and they invite you and your family out, are you going to ride with them?? You're probably going to find some other way to get there, but what if you can't and can only get a ride from that person? Are you going to go and put your family at risk? or would you rather just stay home?
Before you have any more family functions you and your husband need to decide who can and who cannot be invited and both of you need to respect and agree on who can come or not. Also why not try having a family function outside of the home, that way he doesn't have to go, but doesn't have to be held captive in his own home.
Another thing I was wondering what kind of misunderstanding happen 2 years ago that would make your husband not want her in your home? Now I don't think he should hate on the kids, but you didn't explain why he didn't like them.
It's great when family helps and you should always say thank you! My question is what kind of help are they doing for you and your family that would make him not say thank you?? What is something they offered or was it something he was going to take care of? I'm not trying to be harsh, but there is always another side of the story and I just didn't get a feel at all for the other side and what the problem is he has with these people and whether or not this is a legit reason to not have them over mingling with his wife and children and bring thier drama into your life.
I know in our family, we have people on both sides we do not invite over to our family functions, due to poor decisions they have made in the past, or the parents don't contol thier kids at our home, and therefor WE don't want them here. And a lot of times we don't agree on who can or cannot come over. A really good book that may help you with some of these problems is "proper care and feeding of husbands" (I believe that is what it's called). Good book. I'm sorry again if this sounds harsh and I hope it gives you a little perspective. I really wish you best in getting this worked out, because family can be a blessing