Dear J. D,
I don't mean to routing for the other side, But i think you need to really take into consideration what he is saying. Your HUSBAND and CHILDREN come first period. When he married you, he didn't marry your family, whether you stay really close to your EXTENDED family or not. Mother-in-laws and father-in-laws you must at least tolerate if not have a relationship with. It seems as though he has expressed his feelings to you toward certain people in your family and you have totally ignored his feelings and continue to invite these people over! Then you expect him to mingle with people he already told you he was not comfortable around. Then you get upset with him that he didn't mingle or make effort. He does live there to and has a right as a person, and head of household/ protector to say I don't want such and such over. If you don't agree then you discuss it and come to a conclusion of who can come over, but you don't just invite them anyways and expect things to be alright. Your husband is your family and if he doesn't agree with certain people coming over becuase of poor decisions they made in the past, he has a right to say they can't come over. These family members are around your daughters to? correct?
Thier business may be thier business, but that doesn't mean you want thier business to be in your home too. Another thing is thier business is effecting your home, becuase you and your husband are not on the same page about it. No one is perfect, but does that mean you don't protect yourself? EXAMPLE: If you have a good friend who drives really fast and reckless all the time and has been in 3 accidents in 3 years and they invite you and your family out, are you going to ride with them?? You're probably going to find some other way to get there, but what if you can't and can only get a ride from that person? Are you going to go and put your family at risk? or would you rather just stay home?
Before you have any more family functions you and your husband need to decide who can and who cannot be invited and both of you need to respect and agree on who can come or not. Also why not try having a family function outside of the home, that way he doesn't have to go, but doesn't have to be held captive in his own home.
Another thing I was wondering what kind of misunderstanding happen 2 years ago that would make your husband not want her in your home? Now I don't think he should hate on the kids, but you didn't explain why he didn't like them.
It's great when family helps and you should always say thank you! My question is what kind of help are they doing for you and your family that would make him not say thank you?? What is something they offered or was it something he was going to take care of? I'm not trying to be harsh, but there is always another side of the story and I just didn't get a feel at all for the other side and what the problem is he has with these people and whether or not this is a legit reason to not have them over mingling with his wife and children and bring thier drama into your life.
I know in our family, we have people on both sides we do not invite over to our family functions, due to poor decisions they have made in the past, or the parents don't contol thier kids at our home, and therefor WE don't want them here. And a lot of times we don't agree on who can or cannot come over. A really good book that may help you with some of these problems is "proper care and feeding of husbands" (I believe that is what it's called). Good book. I'm sorry again if this sounds harsh and I hope it gives you a little perspective. I really wish you best in getting this worked out, because family can be a blessing