My Husband Hates My Family

Boy J. thats a tough one. We only have one family member not allowed to come over. It is for safty reasons. I cant really think of to many situations that someone wouldnt be allowed in our home. I will say that if their are in my home they are to be treated with kindness. I grew up in a large Italian family and when someone came over to your home you treated them like they were home. Never would I disrespect or treat anyone ill when in my home. Its just not Christian. You and your husband should have a long talk. You may harbor resentment toward him over the years. That wouldnt be healthy for your marriage. Keep in mind this is BOTH your house. You need to set guidlines to follow about when someone can and cant comeover. If he cant do that maybe he should go out for the day. Good Luck

This has got to be hard on you and I am so sorry!! If it was me in this situation and he really has no reason to be like this with them then I would tell my hubby that HE was the one NOT allowed to come! :-) My husband doesn't like my Aunts husband and I don't him that was fine but when we are all together he better NEVER show it! If he can't be an adult and put those feelings aside for a couple of hours then he needs to be elsewhere. Why punish your family for his feelings that seem to be unjustified? I hope this makes sense and doesn't seem to harsh!

If it does seems to harsh please everyone remember that this is my opnion and everyone has different ways of dealing with issues! :-)

J. - good luck to you and I really do hope things get better for you!

The jealousy factor in any situation is very hard to live with. My guess is that it is easier for your husband to hide and blame others than to deal with how he feels about himself. My big concern is how does it make you feel regardless of the impact on family. When our husbands feel badly about themselves unfortunately their first line of defense is to make us feel inferior in some way. Remember that you are fabulous. His feelings are about himself not you, and it is a blessing to have such a close family that loves you. It's sounds like you need to get some marriage and family counseling and maybe address why he has so many issues with your family. I find it very interesting that there is no mention of his family and the dynamic and what it brings into your family. Ultimately tho we are meant to cleave to our husbands first. We are supposed to leave home and become one with our spouse. The relationship you have with your husband is your most important and your children need to see that to have healthy relationships themselves.

J.,
Sometimes I think we forget that our wonderful and diverse families are the “in-laws”. I myself have a diverse family. When certain people talk in my family I can make it go in one ear and out the other. However, you remember everything an in-law has said to you. Maybe something was said he can’t forget. My husband will be very open and accepting at our house when it’s my turn for a function. He also thinks we have WAY too many functions- which we do (maybe your husband thinks you have too many) and he only HAS to go to big ones. But it is a choice if he wants to go to a function with me. He actually thought up that he could go golfing w/ my dad (they’re his in-laws too) wherever we went and then they only had to “show up” and spend half as much time. I’m fine with that.

It works both ways. My mother-in-law says something not so nice to me whenever my husband leaves the room. Sometimes I just end up “having to finish my laundry” in my room.

We also have a "sick" card. If he wants to skip on a big function then he uses it and I get one to use in the future.

I think it’s better to out of sight than to say something you may regret. We can all handle being cordial for a couple of hours. Maybe give him the option that if it’s a function somewhere then he can go for half or not at all, but at your house he should at least give it a try and be cordial. If it doesn’t work then he can go “fix” something somewhere but not make it seem like he is ignoring them.

Families are a lot sometimes. Hang in there, if they are not offensive to him directly, don't seperate yourself from them.

Hey J.,

I feel pretty bad for your situation. I just wouldn't stand for it, and perhaps getting him into counseling (marriage or whatever) is the only way. If he refuses this kind of help / safe haven to talk, then I would ask him if he's doing all of this because maybe he wants a divorce, or is severely unhappy and is taking it out the wrong way - why would anyone treat you & your family like that?? I just wouldn't be able to go on with someone like that.

J.,
I have been through this! In my experience, Men express their fear and insecurities with anger. He is acting like a controlling little boy who will take his marbles and go home when he doesn't get his way.

I was close to my family when I got married at a young age. My husband worked evenings so I hung out at my mothers' with my little sisters. It just seemed silly to sit home alone. My husband felt threatened by this, like I didn't really leave home! He was very dominating, controlling and angry alot. I played nice to make eveyone happy until I just couldn't stand it anymore. I decided I could make his life more miserable than he was making me! So if I didn't want to do something I didn't. When he started with all his opinions about everyone and everything I stopped getting upset and just let him know that was his opinion and we would miss him at the picnic. I also started telling him that if he couldn't behave himself when he was around my family HE wasn't welcome!

I was terrifed to do this at first and terrified of him --just the exhausting fights, trouble, upset -- until I stopped taking him seriously, stopped arguing with him, stopped being defensive, and just said OK. Sorry you don't want to be with us and I love you and miss you when you are behaving! And I started to see him as a three year old throwing temper tantrums when he didn't get his way!

Hope this helps!
And good luck!
S.

"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh." (Gen 2:24)

Sweetheart, you already chose between your family and him. And since this is a problem within your marriage, it can only be solved within your marriage. We can all chatter back at you with our own experiences and the best-intentioned advice, and you may have felt better venting over him - temporarily - but at the end of the day, it's just you and him and this wall between you.

Blessings,
R.

What is his relationship with his family like and theirs with in-laws and extended family? Is he just repeating a pattern of learned behavior? I think that you need to have a conversation with or write him a letter that goes something like this: When you.............. I feel...................
I would prefer............. Because (tell him how it would make you feel if he tried to get along with your family and put the past behind you). Now you need to listen to why he does what he does and then see if his view is valid. If he agrees to try again you also need to be aware of things that others are doing that he finds upsetting or insulting. Example: say he says your _______ belittles him, but he is willing to try and let it go, and you get together with your family and you see that person doing exactly what he said they do, you need to confront that person and stand up for your husband. You also, need t think about what you will do if he refuses to change. Can you see your famil at their house without your husband having to go? Or meet at the park for a BBQ or something? Remember, just because your husband does not want a relationship with your family does not mean that you can't have one with them. Best of luck.