My Husband Has Changed Too Much over the Last 8 Years

Hi M.
How are you this AM?
Your husband is right people do change, but you sound overly upset. What are you thinking?
I can't tell you what to do but I can tell you my story. Hope it helps.
I married my childhood sweetheart, so for the first 5-6 years so so we were passionate. The next 5 -6 we were busy building our business and raising the 2 kids we had during our passionate years and our 7 foster kids. The next 5 -6, things were stalemated, as I was diagnosed with serious illness, my dad went home to be with the Lord, and Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimers. Think that changed us, yup. I was stale. It was all routine. Then a wise, Christian girlfriend said"there is nothing sexier to a man than a woman who loves him. Act out that love."
At first it felt silly, that this old woman would act in passion but as I saw him light up, and reach out I realized that she was more right than I thought. Anyway just before our 20th wedding anniversary I gave birth to twins, after 19 weeks of bed rest. OK that changed us again, but they weighed in at 5'11" and 6'8" so we set out to care for them.
Today that loving man I married almost 40 years ago is still around. I love him more today than ever before. Not because of the passion, or the sweet nothings he has done, but because when I was the ugliest, least caring person He never wavered in his love for me.
Thanks for listening
Our twins will soon be out of the house and we will have an empty nest. Think that will change us again. YUP, but love never dies, yes it changes, it grows deeper.
I will pray that your out come is as good as mine. The woman who told me that doesn't know the affect she had on our marriage but God knows and I trust He has rewarded her.
God bless you and your family

1 mom found this helpful

How is your dating life? You will not believe how setting aside time for a special date wether once a week or twice a month does for a marriege. To be married for 15 years is long and beautiful but it takes more work than the average couple who have been married for under 5 years and that is alright so long as the 2 of you make an effort. I would forget about his behavior right now and look at my own, are you still doing the things you used too? Work on you, instead of focusing on what he isn't doing anymore and nagging him about it you do it to him, in other words what ever would make you feel special, you do just that for him and then if you do not see a change maybe it is time to get counseling.

1 mom found this helpful

I just received an email from Christian Carter. He deals with relationships and has a wonderful web site and will send you emails on advice...just what you are having trouble with today came in my email.

http://www.catchhimandkeephim.com

____@____.com

Try leaving him notes...just because..not to get anything in return...just because.

Nanc

P.S. And another thing...treat him the way you want him to be, not the way he is.

" H e used to be very attentive and he used to give me flowers and little love notes ... I was never like that but he stopped doing what I was used to and I miss it very much. "

The part in your question that stood out to me is "I was never like that"

Maybe he was hoping over time that you would compensate him with the love notes and memory making little signs of love and gave up trying figuring it did not mean as much to you as it meant to him, and that you did not need it...

I used to find myself doing things to encourage my husband to do them for me. I finally stopped and started just doing. It sure did take away that spark, and really fast, while at the same time left an empty feeling inside. Now i do things for him because i want to, not just to try to get him to do for me. I want him to know how much I love him.

Maybe you should go to the drug store and find a card that tells him how you feel and mail it to him on the way home, or maybe sit down and write him a love letter telling him how dear he is to you and then leave it on his pillow or somewhere he will find it a go out for a bit for him to read it. We work different shifts, so mailing him a card really blew him away.
Start focusing on what you can do to tell him you love him, just like you would have when you first met him and started to date.
He may have been doing for you what he desired and needed from you.
I hope all works well for you both on this.

M., you obviously want your husband to be more attentive and romantic again, but you don't mention what you have done to be more attentive and romantic. Sorry to be blunt, but it's not right for you to be upset about not giving you flowers, etc., if you don't reciprocate, or if you don't give him a reason to want to do those things anymore. Try a romantic date night, buy a sexy new outfit, surprise him with some love notes, make his favorite dessert for no reason other than you love him, etc. If he sees how much you care, and how much you want to regain the intimacy you once shared, he will be much more willing to reciprocate. Actions speak MUCH MUCH louder than words. GOOD LUCK!

You can always try to do your part to make your husband feel special. Do this without expecting a return in affection and things may improve.

Leave him a voice message on his phone at work, a note in a lunch, get him a surprise gift without it being a holiday.

Marriage is a lot of work.

I'm 60 years old and have been married 38 years to the same man. I have two grown sons and one daughter-in-law. I also have a grand child coming in December.

My marriage is the best it has ever been.

D.

Hi M.,
I am a big fan of Dr. Phil. He has written a few good books. One is called Relationship Rescue. You can see it at his site drphil.com He talks about what you can do everyday to make your husband happy. ie call him during lunch, put a love note in his brief case, make his favorite dessert . . . . Good Luck w/ it!

You are not alone. And I am talking about just 11 years together! You might consider that he has ED - you never know!
L.

I suggest you talk to the people at the Aliveing Project ###-###-####. They specialize in relationships. My neighbor and her husband went to one of their weekend programs together and she said it saved their marriage. They let go of a lot of baggage, learned new skills and opened their hearts to each other again. They are so happy together now.

I can hear you on this one. It'll be 20 yrs that I've been together w/my husband - we'll be married 15 yrs in Sept & things have been going downhill pretty quickly around here too. One thing I keep in mind is that although he's not very attentive to my needs (or not as much as he used to) he still makes certain he takes time to spend with our two daughters. Since before the birth of my 10 yo girl he has worked a f/t & p/t job - I have always felt that it is easier for him to work then to be at home dealing w/the every day nonsense. But what really amazed me was the response that I rec'd from him when I emailed him telling him how I saw things. One good thing about writing a letter is that there's no interuptions and you can say what you want w/out being cut off half way through. Try not to give up and maybe try writing an email - things here have gotten somewhat better but it still doesn't take away the hurt. I also try to keep in mind that things are so much different when we were together before the children. If we wanted to go somewhere we just did it, now we have to pay a sitter, save to do whatever it is, etc. but just stay focused if you want to keep things together. Good luck!

Ask him if he will go to marriage counseling with you to work on improving your relationship. It takes two to work on the problems. A professional will help direct both of you into communicating with each other.....
If he refuses to do this with you, then I tend to think you should get yourself into therapy and decide where you want this marriage to go. Either except the way things are or have him move out so you can get on with your life.

It sounds like you may need outside help. If he doesn t want to go you should go by yourself to better understand why he is doing all of this and also make you stronger to deal with it all.
Good luck !

Hi M.,
I know everyone here has given you great info and I would "ditto" 95% of it. What I would like to add is that since I have learned about the different "color" personality types through my training with my home based biz company, it has helped me realize that different people are the way they are basically. Some are more direct and open (Blue); open and indirect (Yellow); self-contained and indirect (Green) and direct and self-contained (Red).

OK how does this help you. You are most likely the Green here who started to get used to the wonderful caring Yellow (or he may be Blue). Not realizing that over time if the Green does NOT become more Teal, the Blue or Yellow will feel taken for granted and move on. The Greens need to show more affection and verbal interaction with their relationships or they will LOOSE them! Simple as that. Once we know this we can work at it together. Now if he is a Blue, he probably would have left you long ago. I'm thinking he is a caring and loving Yellow and because they are more indirect, he would never tell you what HE NEEDS!!! Big problem as you are experiencing now!

SO I do have help for you. We have FREE trainings and info on this very thing and you do not have to be involved with my company to use our Mentoring For Free system which includes calls to train on these color types. Also we run a Master Mind call Wed at 3pm and 8pm EST which we all are reading Think & Grow Rich by Hill (the unabridged version) and comment on what each chapter means to us. We are on chapter 9 this coming Wed.

I can honestly say this training is a safe place for everyone. We do not discuss companies or products. Only concepts that grow us as people and relationships are better as a result of this training. We have helped more people than the therapists have. Something about this sharing is amazing with a group of people who want to 1. help others with their success and 2. care about and respect others to share with them some of the most intimate problems and work them out with the Master Mind help! All positive and high energy. I have grown big time in 6 months in this group and my biz has naturally followed suit! Email me and I will help you too. I mentor and coach my friends and team mates! My tel # is ###-###-#### anytime.
My email for the links to this amazing info is ____@____.com Love to you and my Best,
M. G

Well, you arent dating.. you said he was a great friend to you .. that is so important!! It will come back ..
I think that relationships go into a rebellion when there is a teen in the house .. .. That age brings about a sense of rebellion, which kind of sneaks up on you.. dont let it . At 15 even the best student and nicest child .. starts to feel natural independence and a change in hormones.. I think this changes the roles in the home.
I had a friend tell me once, when his daughter hit the teen mark.. that he and his wife didnt have anything to do anymore, she was becoming independent .. spending alot of time with her friends .. and only "needed" a ride. Not only did he feel like they didnt have anything to do .. they didnt know what to do. Your roles are changing in the home and nobody gets you ready for this part. People dont really change that much ... stuff changes.. He's the same guy.. just may not feel like it right now and you cant make someone.. so stop the pressure.. and not because he's right or wrong.. but because you love him. Actions speak louder than words.. words are getting you into conflict.. Change the actions .. go to a movie.. plan a date night.. take a cruise.. do something totally different.. and maybe do it without asking..

Maybe you could reverse things. Start giving him little love notes, and flowers. Make an "appt" for your daughter to spend the night with a friend. Take a warm bath, or whatever makes you feel sexy. Dress to the nines and just put on a big thing for your husband like you would if you were trying to impress him. Make him feel loved, and sexy. Light candles, have some wine, or beer (if you prefer) in fancy glasses. Make him feel like there is nothing more important in your life then him for at least that one night. See where it goes from there. If that doesn't work then you might consider counseling.

Wow! Your marriage is just at a transition. I believe prayer changes things. My husband and I have been married in september 9 years, strains come in a marriage. But God changes things, you guys have both changed have other outside interest. Try new things that interest, my husband and I changed he likes working out at the gym I dont we compromised we walk at the park together gives us a chance to talk about everything, even sex. We work on scheduled sex time cause we have a 4 month old and we talk about sex something we really never did, his likes and mine too. We have fun , rent movies go to the movies. I need to lose some weight after the baby he said we need to lose weight because everything about this marriage is about us! Pray for ways to talk to your mate without beating him over the head or being naggy. Find ways to laugh again and find the core of what your relationship is about, ask God to reveal those things your mate holds- men hold back. When it's revealed help to find the solution with stepping on his toes. In my prayers A..

Hi M....
My one suggestion...get counseling before he decides the grass is greener...I know that sounds cold, but I don't mean it that way.

OH, and I second what MaryK advised - LOL!!!

I wish you all the best.
J.

You say you have both lost interest....why don't you put your interest back into and see if he responds. Buy some sexy lingerie, start doing sweet things for him regularly and he will more than likely respond with his own methods. Making a long term relationship is always going to be work. You have to continue to put the effort in anmd actions speak louder than words so give the talking a break, men dont respond well to talking anyways. I have been with my fiance for 9 years now and we still have a very intimate relationship as well as being best friends outside the bedroom. Little things such as making his favorite dinners or his favorite desert every once in a while (with no occaision attached) or renting a movie he really wants to see to surprise him makes him very happy. We leave eachother "love notes" occasionally and put teh work in to keep our relationship strong. Also, find things you are both interested in doing. One thing me fiance and I really enjoy is the Nintendo wii. We only buy games we can play together and it is a lot of fun to play together especially nights when we put the little one to bed. Instead of him sitting in frot of teh tv and me off reading in another room we are both engaged in a fun activity we can both enjoy, and it gets us off the couch! Good luck! Feel free to message me for more ideas!