My Husband Frustrates Me! Help!

Ah! The old "I thought he would change once we had a newborn" idea. Not gonna happen. Men don't change. I suspect he had the same behaviors when you were dating him.
BUT you don't need to hang around for him instead of making traditions and memories for your daughter! Go out & about & take her to pumpkin patches, fairs and church! You're not "unable to start building family traditions" you're just unable to do it with him.

7 moms found this helpful

Let's see...your first pet peeve is that he gets up with the baby on Saturdays (as agreed upon), and then he goes back to bed when she takes a nap. He is doing what you agreed upon and you're not pleased. I have no advice for you there.

Your second pet peeve...That Sunday football thing! I'll never understand a woman who doesn't enjoy football that knowingly marries a football fanatic and tolerates it until the baby arrives and then she expects her husband to change overnight. Did he expect you to change doing something you love as soon as the baby was born?

You have a couple of choices here: Nitpick and complain until your husband decides he's had enough and leaves. I know, that sounds drastic, but marriages don't fall apart in a day. They're thrown away one day at a time. Then you get to go to work 5 days a week like he does now, and you get to leave the baby in day care for 50 or more hours a week. You'll be so exhausted you won't even think about family outings on the weekends. And that's just the beginning of life without that husband that makes you crazy. Doesn't being a single mother sound fun?

Or you could take Sundays and start rooting for your husband's favorite team...or choose a favorite team of your own. You can invite others over and make it a party day of football...or not - make it a day for just your family. Make your husband's favorite snacks, stock the fridge for him. Show him that he is still the most important person in your life...and give your daughter fabulous memories of football Sundays with her parents. Your daughter can be her daddy's biggest cheerleader and wear his favorite team's jersey. You can teach her about football so she can talk to her dad about one of his passions. And you can plan outings on Saturdays.

He works 5 days a week, and does all of his own laundry, and you work a little more than half what he works, yet still you only sometime cook dinner and other times you didn't tell us how the family is fed in the evening. Sheesh! Start being thankful for everything he does do and looking the other way when he displeases you. And one more question, but please don't answer publicly. This is for you to think about. Are you always available for him when he wants to be intimate? How many things does he have that he couldcomplain about you?

Bottom line: Yes, you are asking too much. You say all you want is to be together as s family unit on the weekends. I think all you want is to control the weekends. Start thinking of your husband as being on your team, not the other person who has to make sure and do what you want. Give a little. You'll be glad you did. And I'll bet you see a HUGE change in your husband when he sees the change in you.

Best wishes to your family!

~P. G.
Owner, Portland Preschool Directory
Author, Mrs. G.'s Kindergarten
http://www.PortlandPreschoolDirectory.com
http://www.MrsGowing.com

5 moms found this helpful

I too am a football widow, a hunting widow, a fishing widow.....I have learned to plan outings and invite him :) if he chooses to come, great! If not, the boys and I still have a very nice time. The older they get the more involved my hubby gets. But it's all by choice! I can't force him and I wouldn't try. This is who he is and always has been. He's an amazing father and husband and we (the boys and I) have learned that Daddy needs "his time" as well as I need mine!
It is frustrating - marriage/family is not easy. It takes a lot of work and communication. Talk to him and then talk some more! Communication is key. Tell him how it hurts your feelings when he doesn't want to go to the pumpkin patch. Men don't view things the same as woman. He may not realize this is important to you. To him it's just going and picking out a pumpkin. Talk to him :)

3 moms found this helpful

One posters comment made me laugh. Respect his love of football? Is that like respecting his love for gambling on the games?
Part of parenting is laying down our own wants and sometimes our needs for our kids. Your husband needs to figure out that his family is more important than him getting a little cash kickback on a football game or spending the whole weekend holed up in the house watching his games.

You are not crazy! You want to be a whole family! Time for him to make some compromises!

3 moms found this helpful

Um, well, I have to say honestly, I would not put up with that for a minute. My EX-husband got very involved in online gaming- to the point where he got us thousands of dollars into debt, ignored me and our son and would stay up until 2 or 3 AM gaming, crash out on the sofa and go into work late because of his gaming obsession.

To me, anything OUTSIDE of real life should not be more important than your ACTUAL FAMILY. There is a difference between a hobby for enjoyment, like watching Sunday afternoon football or your college alma mater's games- and obsessively belonging to THREE fantasy leagues and betting on them?? I mean, come on, why three?

But the big warning sign to me is that he is putting this activity above spending time with you and your baby. Sure, a lot of men are immature and don't realize before having a baby how much time they take!

But- a lot of men GROW UP and grow out of their college-age obsessions! I'm sorry, but the person below who says 'you married him, he is not going to change' is wrong. Lots of people change when they have a child- they become more responsible and stop putting their own entertainment FIRST on the list of 'needs'. Your family should come first for him- or he shouldn't have a family and he could just keeping being bachelor guy!

I would sit down and have a serious meeting with him. Use specific examples of times when he has blown you and your daughter off for football or fantasy league activities. Tell him that all things are fine- in moderation. Ask him if he would consider going down to just one favorite league and also schedule SPECIFIC 'family time' during the week and weekend, when he will focus on his REAL LIFE and family- no checking scores, no tv or radio on, etc.

If he get belligerent about this I would tell him you want him to see an addiction counselor. Seriously, this kind of addicition, especially if he is actually gambling money, is just like an addiction to alcohol or smoking or anything else- don't kid yourself!

My first marriage is like a cautionary tale of how that kind of thing can ruin a family and relationship because the person who is addicted won't admit it and refuses to change his behavior- even after his wife left him and it ruined our finances!

Good luck- a lot of people will tell you this is no big deal. I know better- talk to him, get him to go to some counseling if he won't change his ways!!

3 moms found this helpful

I suggest that you be too "tired" for him if you know what I mean. And stay tired until he can compromise and realize that he is not the "bachelor-dude" anymore and it is time that he start acting like a real man and a FATHER.

I am sad for you and for your daughter...one of the best parts of having kids is doing things as a family. It will be those little traditions that she will love the most about her childhood.

EDIT: Umm June Cleaver, er I mean Mrs. Gowing. Obviously you were a housewife in the 1950s and are now a grandmother. Otherwise you would NEVER promote this subservient female that you are expecting the poster to be. And did you miss the fact that he is GAMBLING on these games? Not OK. And I can't believe that you are advocating that a baby should watch Sunday Football. IMO ALL sports are hours of your life that you can't get back. Sports is the ruination of our country starting from the type of situation that the poster describes and ending with the obsession over school sports at the expense of all else-MOST OF ALL ACADEMICS!!

3 moms found this helpful

I don't think it's just men, people don't change unless they want to. Talk to your husband and together decide how you are going to plan events together during football season. If you don't talk to him it's not all his fault

3 moms found this helpful

My advice is to make plans. Respect his love for football and try not to conflict with that, but if you want to do something with the entire family make plans. Say, "Honey, there is a street fair tomorrow at 10am. I'd like us all to go together. Sound good?"
Then wake him up and remind him that you need to be out the door by 9:30am.
If your plans are generalized like, "I'd like to go to the park tomorrow." then he won't have a reason to get out of bed and get going. Make specifically timed plans. You have to work with his personality, don't expect to change it.
Oh, and start to make a schedule for yourself so you are making dinner on a daily basis. Family time around the dinner table is very important. Plus, it makes your husband feel cared for, like you actually thought about him.

2 moms found this helpful

He is being selfish and immature no doubts about that, but football season is temporary and many, many of us deal with the weekend and monday night madness, so you arent alone there. Topped with a one yr old I can see why you are stressed. I assume you guys are fairly young and he just isn't "getting" the daddy role yet. What you might do is print out some of the posts here that are in your favor and let him read them, it might make him understand how neglected and frustrated you are feeling.
"Come on Husband, you are a daddy now, and you have a family, they come first and work comes second and folly comes third!"

2 moms found this helpful

Time for Dad to grow up, sorry. Fantasy football is for single guys who don't have kids. Also, as for not cooking dinner regularly and doing his own laundry, those are things that he SHOULD be helping with, so don't beat yourself up about that! I'd be mad. I'm fortunate enough to have a husband who works like a dog during the week, then tends to his kids on the weekend, alongside me, like a father should. Everyone needs a little fun, I get that, but it sounds like this is obsessive. Of course my husband watches sports but he offers to send me out shopping while he and the kids tune into college football. He needs to start spending some quality time with you guys....life has changed now.
L.

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He is not going to change. Remember you married him because he is him..
During football season make a plan with him on what it is you want to do and let him see what he is willing to wok out with you... Let him know he is missing out on a lot of fun with you and your daughter.. When you go out, take lots of phots of her cuteness..

We have some VERY good friends that the wife and husband are just like the 2 of of you. He has never changed.. They now have 2 girls.. As the girls got older, she would leave the girls with him when he stayed home to watch the games.. Hee, hee.. Actually one of the girls learned to love football.. The wife used to get a lot of errands done on these days.

On the mornings the games were not being played.. they made a deal he would do to a few events with them in the fall.. .. but he would catch at least 1 game or parts of all 3.. She also purchased his a small pocket sized TV and a Radio with earbuds so when they were out and about he could still keep up with the games.. He also always takes at least 1 nap each weekend.. They learned he is not happy, if he does not get a nap.

After football season they became more of an active family.. Going and doing lots more.. During the summer, he was a total outdoors dad, so they had no problems during that time..

One daughter is now in College the other a junior in high school and they are still together and happy.. It took compromise.. As long as the wife was willing to compromise during football season.. things seemed to go smoothly..

2 moms found this helpful

It sounds like you guys might benefit from organizing and clarifying your needs better. Maybe he just really needs one day out of the weekend where he doesn't have to go anywhere or do anything other than what he wants to do. Since he is so into football that day could be Sunday (?).

Maybe you could agree that - on Saturday - he is to be the primary caretaker for daughter and that includes family activities like the pumpkin patch (and of course you will usually go along on those outings but still have the option to sleep in, etc.). Perhaps you could go to Saturday afternoon Mass (or church) so that you guys squeeze that in, too, and get a babysitter for Saturday night so you can go out alone together.

In our relationship my husband is the "get up early and get moving type" and sometimes I feel he doesn't quite grasp my need for a vegetation day. :) I really, really crave it sometimes . . . that being said I almost always went on the cute kid outings (like the pumpkin patch, the county fair, etc.). Mine are 16 and 13 now and they don't do that stuff anymore, so he needs to realize that time goes very quickly.

Good luck to you guys.

2 moms found this helpful

A lot of new fathers don't seem to get that when a baby comes along, it changes the parents' lives for ever. Not just the mom's.
It is unfair for any father to devote hours of the weekend to his personal needs - at least not without discussing it first. But ladies - you can't complain about it if you just sit back and assume that you're not going to have an available father for the entire football season. You need to point out that he can't be unavailable for large chunks of time like that.

2 moms found this helpful

I am also a football widow. But you what, he was like this when we met and after children. I feel we all should do things we enjoy. My husband is an avid football watcher on the weekends also. We plan things sometimes around football. When he is watching his team play, I either join him or do something different I enjoy. You can have family traditions, just plan it different. I always did, he is happy, I am happy. Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful

could you maybe suggest to him to record the game so you guys can do your things as a family and watch the game on his own time? I agree with you, that's a little obsessive..gambling with the games seems a little outragious

1 mom found this helpful

My husband is the same way. Sometimes it is great because he can be the late night "on duty" person when the kids are sick or something. On the other, as you say, mornings and weekends can be frustrating. I've come to adjust to it and the mornings and weekends are mainly for me and the kids. He joins late afternoon and we do things as a family then.

1 mom found this helpful

this guy needs to grow up and man up----he is not a jock in school with no family-----it makes me crazy to hear this--------good luck

1 mom found this helpful

Was your husband a huge football fan BEFORE the baby? My husband is a crazy sports fan too but he always was, so I can't expect him not to be now. It annoys me at times, but whatever, I move on and I just do what I want WITHOUT HIM or work around him. BY doing that he IS a bit more understanding when I say enough is enough for instance If its something particularly important he has to be more compromising and he knows it. You can't change him. The betting issue is different...a little for fun is not a big deal but when that aspect consumes a person, theres a bit of a problem there. Aside from the betting, I get a bit sick of hering wives/mothers complain about their husbands who are no different now then they were before. We change, a lot. They change a little (which is a lot to them) but you can't force it. My husband doesn't sleep well either, and I feel like he sleeps WAY MORE THAN ME. I've learned to stop competing with him and just focus on doing the best for me and my family. I work full time. He does do a lot of the basic chores, but I definitley do more and my child definitley wants me for everything. You fight your battles...just make sure they are worth fighting about. I'm probably to laid back...LOL! But when it all comes down to it, I know my husband appreciates me, appreciates how laid back I am, he does step up when its needed and I'm pretty sure he could never be married to another woman (and he knows it) b/c no one else would put up with him! hahahahah!!!! You are both not acting crazy, but you both have to learn to compromise more.

PS: I like a lot of what Ms Gowing says...she's a little more blunt than I but she's says it how it is IMO. I know it sounds crazy and out of touch, but look around at your friends/families marriages and really look...when a wife is constantly (or a husband for that matter) is constantly expecting something does the marriage work? Over time it can really make things break - same goes for your side of the story too though so i'm not discounting you! I'm just trying to make you look at it from both sides and determine the importance and best way to handle it so you are BOTH happy!

1 mom found this helpful

Don't ever expect anyone to change or you'll drive yourself crazy....talk to your husband and see if he can give you one weekend a month for a family outing during football season. Maybe give you more off season. As far as your one morning to sleep in, I'd trade it for church on Sunday mornings. He can definitely go back to sleep, possibly in front of the TV, on Sundays.

Routine and tradition is terribly important and he needs to be aware of that.

God bless!..and good luck!

M.

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You should resign yourself to the fact that for 16weeks in the fall, you are a single parent on Sunday. If he's wearing his mask and is still tired, then he either needs to go to bed earlier, get a physical, or get a new sleep study cuz the current mask isnt working.

As for him being part of family traditions, plan them on Saturdays, not Sundays, and just put it on the calendar. If he then chooses to not go, that is his choice. One thing that got my hubby's attention is pictures. A group that had gone were looking over the pictures and reminissing. He was sitting there and couldn't participate. He had to explain why he'd chosen sleeping over his child's first trip to the pumpkin patch.

Men aren't sentimental like we are. They don't care about pumpkin patches. But if it were a fishing trip, trip to a farm with lots of tools and tractors, or even a high school football game, he'd be there in a heartbeat.

1 mom found this helpful

Was he a football fanatic when you met him? Married him? Why do you want him to change now? Instead sit down and snuggle and watch the game with him. You might actually get to like it. And HE might like the fact that you are sharing HIS likes. That might give him the incentive to go for a walk with you and the baby.
To comment on your other post, I think you need to make friends with other women who have children and plan on play dates (AKA coffee dates) or other activities, dance, bowling, gym. etc.

1 mom found this helpful

I feel for you. Have a family meeting together and beforehand, write out your pros and cons of the marriage. Have him do the same. Give him a whole day to do it. When your daughter is is bed, discuss the issues at hand in a calmly manner. Ask him what kind of wife he wants and tell him what kind of husband/father you want...then compromise.

As far as family traditions go...go to church with your daughter and pray the Lord puts in his heart to go too. It probably won't happen over night, but ask every Sunday morning if he wants to go. If he says no, go anyway.

Football..ah yes. You have two choices..1. watch it with him or 2. accept it and find something else to do during the games.

Nanc

1 mom found this helpful

I used to have a boyfriend I spent 7 years with who was obsessed with soccer..he literally would keep me in the house every Sunday to watch every single match that was on (besides his favourite team) and because he bet, he kept me home even AFTER the games were over to watch a sport show that would announce the results of ALL the other matches.. grrr!! I was 17y.o.when this started and was 24 when i finally had enough of it...of course we were not married, not even living together, but I could not fathom having this in my life forever!!! After him I chose a boyfriend who DID sports, rather than watching them on tv...boy, was that better!!!! I hope you can find a way to give him a wake up call...life happens all around him and he's not even there!!! Needs to realize what he's missing...good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

What helps with my hubby is when I go do fun things with our little one then bubble over with the joy and fun we had without every saying "you missed your child's first trip to -----" make it clear he missed this great day with your darling daughter. The next weekend plan something else and try to convince him without nagging just repeating how much fun your daughter will have and how he will miss it. Finally sit him down some quiet evening when there isnt a game and discuss how hurt you are that he isnt making time for family and could he try to make a plan to spend every other Saturday doing family fun... If he says yes HOLD him to it and hope he enjoys the day (try to plan plan plan so the little trip goes well!) if he says no ask if he will attend marriage counseling -say maybe a counselor will make me understand that I'm asking for too much from you... maybe she or he will help us reach a compromise... My hubby always enjoys it when I Push him to go...

1 mom found this helpful

Ahh, football. It's a good thing I LOVE it or we would have this same battle. But we have never stayed home because a game was on. We try to watch them, but if something else is going on, we definitely go. We try to do activities with the kids on Saturdays though to free up our Sundays during football. The whole family comes over and we do a big thing more weeks than not, so it's not like they get sent to their rooms...HOWEVER, my husband is that way with playing softball and I completely get where you are coming from. I had some posters tell me to suck it up and it made me so upset. Family has to come first. And maybe there can be some compromises made. Can he do one fantasy league instead of two? Can he only spend a few hours on the weekend doing it? I mean I think a lot of men still need their time, but I am 100% with you family comes first. Just know you are not alone and the best thing I have always done, is leave him out. If I am doing something, I dont NEED him to be with me. It's nice, but I am a very independent woman and can do it all on my own. The kids and I have a blast even when he opts for softball over our activity :o).

1 mom found this helpful

Getting my hubby out of the house before 1pm is almost impossible. Thankfully, he doesn't like sports, but he loves our laptop and will sit for hours drinking his coffee and on facebook. I go to church with the kids all alone, get out and shop, etc. Most of the time he really wants to get out and do stuff with us, but some things won't change. I imagine that you're approaching it wrong. Don't bash his football stuff, but let him know that you expect this and that when he's done. Good luck, football season sucks for my sister and her kids. :)

1 mom found this helpful

It seems there are a lot of factors. 1. expectations. Take a look at his upbringing. Did his family do things together and have family outings and go to church? If not, he does not have that as part of his expectations. This doesn't mean you two couldn't build them together, but it's like the first Christmas together - what! doesn't everyone have deviled eggs as an hors d
oevres?

2. You are both working and having a child is a full time job, too. So housework, cooking, child care - all that is getting stuffed in to very little space. That takes a lot of work to figure out. If you expect him to do 50% child care and house jobs b/c you are both working and he expects you to do what you were doing before a child (let's say that was 100%), then there are more expectations and things to work out.

3. Gaming. Internet addiction is huge. Getting angry, trying to control him, sitting around waiting for him to wake up are all useless. The only thing you can do is take care of yourself - and get to Alanon - it is for those who have an addict in their family. Generally people are there because of alcoholism or drug addiction in the family, but it's all the same thing - an addiction is a disease which affects the whole family and the way the addict behaves is pretty standard across the addictions. Go on google and find out where the local Alanon meetings are - there will be some at various times in your area. Maybe he is not addicted. If you go to the meeting and listen to others talk, you'll know if you belong there (and it's great to finally be in a room where others understand the insanity!).

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You had two basic questions here. No I don't think you are asking too much and no you are not acting crazy but your expectations may not be realistic right now. Frustration comes when our expectations don't match our reality. Three fantasy football leagues is not a good thing coupled with the online gambling. I would be concerned about these things because they tap into the families financial picture and can become a real monstrous problem.

Count your blessings in this. He does get up with baby, he does watch her. Heck even I nap when the baby naps, so don't fault him for that. You don't mention how he is outside of football season, so it makes it hard to fault him for not spending time with his infant daughter.

You have received loads of varied advice. I'm thinking you should just treasure the time you get to spend with your daughter. See if you can get hubby to commit to one day a month to start during football season to spend time with the two of you. If he is not willing to do that, there may be a much deeper problem here which may require so much more of you if you intend on your marriage and family surving especially since you are so very frustrated and he doesn't seem to be concerned about how you feel.

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