My Husband - Omaha,NE

Dear S.,
My heart went out to you when I read your post this morning. I have been married for 31 years. My children are 29,25,14 and 11. I have definitely walked in your shoes. First of all, being a mom is the most important job in the world. Your husband should just stay home a few days without you there, to see just how important it is. Believe me, you blink and they are already 29...and 25! Second of all, no matter how many years we've been married, or the number of children....the laundry is ALWAYS there. Laundry is never-ending. Laundry is not as important as raising wonderful children. But many years ago, when my "big kids" were little, I decided to make Monday laundry day. I did ALL the laundry on Monday. That way, you feel better the rest of the week, a little more organized. I still do laundry on Monday's. I don't profess to be an expert housekeeper, but again when the kids were small, I cleaned 1 room a day. When it was finished, I moved to another room the next day. This might help with your husband's support. I also suggest a date night with your husband to help you re-connect. It sounds like your 5 year old might soon be entering school soon, this will definitely help with the 'craziness' you are feeling. Just spending time with your 15 month old, will feel like a vacation. I also suggest you look into a play group with the 15 month old. This connects you with other young Moms, going thru the exact things you are experiencing. I realize transportation might pose a problem, but girlfriends help other girlfriends, right! Hang in there! You are blessed to be able to stay at home with your girls, always know that. Without a good relationship with your "grown" children, you will be lost. And when that time comes....Guess what? The Laundry and dust bunnies will still be there, but your children will not be. I will be thinking of you!

R. D

2 moms found this helpful

Your husband seems to have no understanding of what it is like to be a stay at home mom..... Perhaps you can get away
for a day ( week end ) and have him take care of the kids
and the household. I believe this would shed a whole new
light to his eyes on what your going through. Also it
sounds like your husband maybe a little controlling? Perhaps you could drop him off at work so that you could
have a vehicle from time to time to be able to get out and socialize with other moms or playgroups. I understand what your going through...... If your husband values you and your
marriage and his family he really should consider counseling because sooner or later you will lose your respect for him and therefore chip away at your love. It's
time to refill those "love units" If your faith in God is
strong perhaps you can start at a church counseling program.
Good luck
for him

1 mom found this helpful

Most men think that their wives have it easy when they stay home. Mine never asked me outright what I did all day but he'd come home and complain about the house not being clean. So I went on strike, didn't even cook supper. It didn't take long before he started helping around the house.
When I worked he told me that I didn't keep the house clean enough, (His ex stayed home with no kids and their house was spotless.) I informed him that I worked just as much as he did and if he didn't like the way I kept the house clean then he could get off his butt and do it himself. That ended that arguement in a hurry.
I would tell him that I'm going out as soon as he got home and tell him he needed to feed the kids and put them to bed, if the take a bath before bed he needs to do that too. Go to the store, go to your friends house, go to you mothers, just get out of the house. Let him take care of it for a while. You also might want to point out to him that he can leave his work, but you can't because your work is at home 24/7.
You have one of the hardest and most rewarding jobs on the plant. Getting your husband to understand that may not be easy, but it can be done. It just takes a while to get through their thick heads at times.

1 mom found this helpful

S. -
First of all, there are a lot of women who feel the same way you do - or at least have felt the same way at some point. You are not alone.

Now, you do have to tell him how you feel. Get a sitter and get out for Valentine's Day and pour your heart out. It won't change things immediately, but men aren't good at figuring out how women feel. They need to be hit over the head with it!

For yourself, and your sanity - you need an outlet. Something you do just for you. Read a book, join a class, get a massage or pedicure/facial. It will change your perspective. Life is all about perspective - if you adjust your attitude (and that takes a lot of effort on your part) your husband's attitude will change as well.

Marriage is work, no matter what stage you are in life.

Good luck!

Lisa - married 15 years, mom of 4 boys

1 mom found this helpful

You've gotten some great advice already. Taking an evening or even a few days off to help him understand what you do each day is a great idea.

But what I would suggest is writing him a letter. It gives you time to think out everything you want to say without any interuption from him. It also helps you work out in your own head what things are bothering you the most and a good way to say it.

Often people get automatically defensive in a one-on-one sort of discussion/confrontation, whereas a letter is a less emotional route to take to bring up concerns while still bringing up serious issues. I would also suggest giving him time to think about what you wrote before having a discussion so he has time to absorb all that you have to say.

Good luck, and I hope some of the advice from all these wonderful ladies will help you regain control and confidence!

1 mom found this helpful

Get a relative or babysitter to take the kids for a few hours. Tell your husband that you need to reconnect with him, and you just can't concentrate on talking or HIM when the kids are in the picture. Get yourselves somewhere quiet and peaceful, relaxing. Out of the house. And, don't try to have a good talk after the kids are in bed. After bedtime, if you're like most parents, you're ZAPPED - not good for really tuning in to a conversation.

Print out the note above. Give it to your husband to read the day or so before your quiet time together. Your thoughts are clear in the note; it'll be a good place to start. When he asks what you want, how he can help, have two or three specific requests.

For instance, "Honey, I need to hear you say during the week that you think I'm a good mom." "... that you appreciate the dinner I made." "...that you value the job I do parenting the children all day, every day - on top of groceries, laundry, pet care, meals, doctor stuff, etc." Whatever verbal feedback you'd really love to hear him say to you. Spell out what you need to hear.

Identify three daily tasks/chores. Ask him to choose one and "own" it.

Ask him to take over parenting duty with both kids once a week, on a repetitive basis. For instance, my husband gets up with our toddler daughter on Saturday mornings, and they spend the whole morning doing "their own thing" until naptime. I may either "hide out" in the bedroom alone, or I may leave the house, whatever. But, for those few hours, he's in charge of the kid, and I'm OFF-DUTY. It's a real Balance and Sanity saver for me.

Your husband won't be able to improve, help you more, or you feel better if you keep your thoughts, worries, feelings inside. Don't hope/expect that he should read your mind, or view things from the same perspective as a woman would. They just don't get things they way we do. But, it sounds like he's a good guy that you know has a compassionate heart. So, tell him your worries, ask for his help, and BE SPECIFIC (though certainly open to his ideas about the particulars).

1 mom found this helpful

this is some old Ann Landers advice, but it works. Ask him to go to counseling with you, if he doesn't--go alone. The counselor will delve deeper into these problems with you, and with any luck, your husband will be forced to come home from work early to watch the kids and he can get a better appreciation for all that you do. I hope he eventually comes to counseling, because it sounds like you both have issues with communication. Hope this helps.

That sounds awful. It's a never-ending battle between men and women - who works harder. I know how hard stay-at-home moms work. It's NOT easy!!! And you shouldn't have to spend all your time working on the house. You need to spend quality time with your kids. It does sound like you need counseling. Has he ever spent a day home alone with the kids by himself, spending quality time with them AND getting a bunch of work done!?? He would know it is not easy. I have a 2.5 yr old and an 8-mo old and I gave up keeping the house clean a long time ago! My husband is fine with it. We agree that taking care of and spending time with the kids is #1. I hope you get through to him!!! Good luck!

Please know that I am not suggesting anything, but oprah's show yesterday was very interesting. It was such an popular and important topic that oprah is making the book available to every one for free up until tonight at 7pm. Just go to www.oprah.com and click on the link to download the book for free. Its about why men cheat and the author also tells us things to help us understand why men do what they do and how to better our relationships. Its very intersting on many levels! Good Luck and again I'm just mentioning the link because the book contains ways to help relationships

I was in the same situation. It is hard for them to understand all that you do. You need to have him take some time off while you go and do something else. Give him at least a week of taking care of the kids and home on his own. I would recommend that you go back to school or work part-time. That is really rough not being able to go anywhere either, you should try to figure something out. Is public transportation an option? You need to be around other adults and your kids need to be around other kids! My husband did not realize the whole weight of what I was doing until I went back to school. I did not have childcare available for one week during the winter semester so he took it off. Every day when I came home the kids were not dressed and not much was accomplished. He was so insistent on all the things he was going to have done that week lol! I made dinner 3 of the nights and we got take out the other 2! It was a lot more challenging that he thought and he even admitted it was hard to be there alone.

wow...lots of same issues on this one huh??...well my mom taught my step-dad a good lesson....didnt do anything for 2 solid weeks...try that with 9 kids...he never said nothin to her again...we all had to pitch in everyday...with no allowance...my kids didnt get paid for helpin around the house either....your family-you live here-you help clean up-im a clean freak....and expected my home to stay spotless-as a single working parent-thats what it took....i sent you a personal email.good luck.K.

I feel your pain. My plan is to leave for the weekend and let my boyfriend (baby's dad) take care of him. Hopefully this will get his attention. My problem is he will either have his mom or his sister watch him, but at least I will get a brake. Maybe a mini vacation will help you get some calm back.

Hi S.,

I felt the same way when I decided to stay home after our second child was born. At first it was fine, he would help out with the kids when he got home, but after 6 months or so it felt like he expected me to be a June Cleaver. (yeah, right!!!)
Same thing as you, I felt like I would get a "look" if the house wasn't spotless and the laundry was piled up. I was the quiet and calm one and then all of a sudden I was yelling and crying for no reason. I actually went to the Dr thinking something was wrong and when nothing was wrong I knew I had to change my way of thinking.
After having a long heart to heart with my husband we understood where things stood. It was more me feeling guilty because here I stay home and he leaves for work everyday however I work just as hard as he does except he gets to leave work at 4pm. I work 24/7. It was totally a mind set with me.
Also, now I understand that when he goes to do the laundry that I didn't get to that day, he isn't upset, he is just helping me. But we weren't talking so the communication broke down.
I hope this helps! We've all been there you just need to find your path...

Take Care,
E.

Hi S.,
Here is a really good blog from a magazine. It is really cute, and very helpful. It is nice to know that so many moms have the very same struggle! I think that if you would like to go to counseling, you can do it by yourself. He might join you someday. If not, you'll appreciate it for what it is.

Have a good day.

http://www.parenting.com/article/Mom/Relationships/Mad-at...

S., No man wants to "admit" that he is failing! It sounds like he needs some positive male mentorship. My husband happens to be one of those. Although it would cost thousands for the information and time he gives, he does it just from his heart. We can not stand to see marriages hurting today, when the need is greater than ever. If you are interested in my husband helping, and me also, please let me know. Does your husband enjoy golf or target shooting?

I've been where you are now except that after my husband became disabled, it got a lot worse. For many years, I had been a stay at home mom with three small boys and a husband who was thought that he was one of them. My husbands disability was a physical one but it didn't affect his ability to help keep the home clean. After 15 years of trying to keep up with those 4, I finally got to the point that if they wanted to have supper, they had to clean the kitchen, if they wanted clean clothes to wear, they had to put them in the laundry room. If they talked trash to me, they boys got grounded and hubby would get a dressing down from me. In other words, I found my voice and expressed to all of them that I was tired of being their maid and not get paid for it.
Here's how things turned out. I came home from work at 4 in the afternoon. Right away, they all started in on what's for supper. I asked did you take anything out and when the answer was no, I told them that I would make pancakes. I walked into the kitchen only to find that nothing had been washed and wiped down. For the next 4 hours I cleaned the kitchen, including wiping down the cupboards, taking out the trash and mopping the floor. Then I started supper. The trick here was the more they asked when's supper was going to be done, the slower I moved. After that night, they started to keep the kitchen a little cleaner. The laundry was a little harder, but they started to do their own if they wanted clean clothes (the boys were old enough to be trusted with the washer).
My husband would also belittle my opinions at every single turn of the clock. One evening, I just turned loose on him and told him that since he was treating me like I was less than nothing, that nothing was what he was going to get. I also told him that on my next day off from work, I was going to call job service and find out from them what the going rate was for someone to come into my home to clean. I already knew what the local daycare providers were charging. I would then present him with a itemized bill for the things that I had done in the home and the time it took for me to do that job and I would charge him for that work. I also told him that what I earned outside of the home was my money to do with as I pleased and that he nor our boys were entitled to it. He didn't like that idea too much but it did make him stop and think about how he had been treating me. Things did change for the better when I told them all that I wasn't a door mat nor was I "First Bank and Trust".
There is many solutions that you can do to solve this. But one of the best one is a story that that's gone around the internet many time. "The husband had come home from a hard day at work, only to find toys all over the yard and driveway. When he walked into the house, he found all the kids still in the pajamas, cereal all over the floor, cartoons blaring on the TV, dishes in the sink, and toys all over the place. Thinking that he wife had taken suddenly very ill and had been unable to call him at work, he rushes up the stairs to their bedroom. Steeling himself for the worse, he quickly opens the door only to find that the bedroom was spotless and his wife laying on the bed reading a book and eating chocolate. He looks at her with that look that all men get when they're confused and she calmly puts her book down and said in a very sweet voice, remember the last time that you had asked me what I did all day? Well, I didn't do it today!"
During this whole time, my husband and I had gone to counseling and it was determined that the problems did lay with my husband and his way of thinking at that point. He was the one who had to change.
My husband has now passed away and I'm working full time outside the home, I'm also in the process of reteaching my boys that they now have to be more independent and help with keeping the house clean once it's been cleaned without me being here. I'm starting to run this house like I run the store where I'm an assistant manager at. The boys don't really like it, but they will do what they have to do.
Sorry that this is so long, but I had to get it out.

You need to adress this now before it gets worse. I would tell him that even though he doesnt' want to do counseling, would he please reconsider for your peace of mind. Also,tellhim in a nice way that you do get tired because even though it seems to him that you didn't do anything, you actually have been very busy and keeping up with two kids and a house is a lot of work. See if he would be willing to do your job one day, and make sure and give him a list so he does all the jobs you do. God Bless!

If he won't go, you still need to. Please get help for yourself. Maybe he will come around, maybe he won't. Going to councilling yourself will help you deal with either senario. Good Luck! Please do this for yourself. You will be a better you and a better mommy.

First of all you need to relax and enjoy life. It sounds like you are depressed and could use some anitdepressants. If you can't get to the Dr and get a check up you need to change your life in small ways. Before you get up in the morning take a min to stretch and think of the good things in your life. Instead of getting stressed out about things you have to get done, sit down and make a list of what needs to get done and you will see it is much easier. For instance you can put in a load of laundry and then go do other things while it is washing. Also enjoy the time and energy your 5 year old has. Have her help you with things and make it a game as in dusting and cleaning. When it gets nice out take the girls out on little outings if only for a short walk. This time in your life goes by so fast, enjoy your life and kids and relax!

Foward him your letter from here to him. If that doesn't work. Try the following:
A day he has off. Tell him you are going out for the day with a sister or friend. Let him know you need a break. Then come home and when the dishes are not done or the house isn't as clean as you left it ask him why? I have gone through this with my husband too. They do think it's easy to run after rugrats and get everything done until they have to try to do it. Then they complain. Maybe this can open up a discussion. Tell him instead of making comments on how the house looks you would like it if he could try to help.

You have to let your feeling be known to him. Tell him you feel that way. something obviously needs to done guess by your previous post your daughter is feeling the stress too. Everyone gets that "what do you do" look or comment from the other party from time to time. You have to let him know how he makes you feel or your whole family will explode. Sometimes i have to treat my hubby like one of the kids and i make sure i tell him from time to time how much it means to me that he works so that i can be home with our son. My husband and i talk a lot bout everything and not all people are like that. Sometimes i just flat out tell my husband that my son needed xtra attention, or i needed a moment to myself and so things didnt get done like usual. Sure way to have him really know what you do all day is to give yourself a few days off, he will see pretty quick that magical elves are not cooking and cleaning and caring for the kids. You do need to let your husband know that some kind of communication has to happen or there will be no relationship left to talk about. I hope everything works out for you.

HI

When my husband and I went through a rugh time I went to see someone. You should make the first move. The person can help you to comunicate better. I work and leave my husband alone with our girls one day a week. I do not get complaints when he gets less done than I do.

Hi S.,
I've been there and what I'm going to tell you may seem harsh at first, but it's true.

It probably isn't your husband MAKING you feel all those negative things, but how you're interpreting things he says or does. As FLYLADY says, you need to get rid of the "stinkin' thinkin'" and learn to Finally Love Yourself. You need to get YOUR head and heart right before anything else.

Here's a few suggestions for you:
1. Sign up to FLYLADY.NET. There is unconditional love and support from every member who is just like you (and me) in many ways.
2. Get your Control Journal together in some fashion. I use Chorebusters and print out weekly chores for me, my 8yo son, 5 almost 6yo son, and "unassigned". I have this list posted where everyone (including my spousal equivalent) can see what needs to be done and what has been done. (He doesn't DO lists. Arrgh!) My boys and I do it all after we get home from work and school and split up the unassigned between us. Once SE saw all we were doing, he made dinner and didn't make any comments like "What did you do all day?" and "Why are YOU tired?" (I have a desk job and he has a manual labor job). If they don't see the work in progress, it's done by the shoemaker's elves. LOL. I have money rewards attached to each chore...10 cents per level of difficulty...even for me! I plan to use the money for something nice for myself...like a massage or something. :)
3. Ask him to give you a break. Have him stay home with the kids while you go get a cup of coffee, go to the grocery store, or Target. Even normal tasks and errands can seem SO relaxing when you don't have the kids with you. Take a little longer than you normally would and enjoy your "alone" time. Stop at the library. (It's easier to pick out a book without the kids, and easy to drop them off WITH them.) This will have a three-fold effect. One, it gives you a chance to be YOU, two, you will have a lot more patience with the kids when you get back home, and three, it gives him the opportunity to experience what you do all day. Before you leave, you can show him your list of things that need to get done in the house...if you feel comfortable enough, ask him to help you with them. See what happens when you get home, but don't be mad at him if he didn't get anything done...then you're just turning the tables on him. Once you get the household flowing, he may start to feel left out and join in on the games and household chores. (Many of the DH's have from the FLYLADY testimonials...mine's pretty hard-headed and stubborn but is "getting it". LOL)

Bottom line is, you need to take care of you before you can really take care of anyone or anything else. FLYLADY knows what you're going through cuz she's been there, too. Check it out, get off your Franny, and Love Yourself! Remember, people will treat you the way you treat yourself! If you show yourself love, others will too.

There are a couple things I would like to say and I only say them because I AM getting counseling right now for the same type of communication problems. But first of all, I'm so sorry that you are struggling through this right now, but staying commited even through the rough times is the BEST thing to do and you WILL pull through.
There are a couple things I would mention, one of them being that if he doesn't want to get counseling that does NOT mean that you can not seek out the help you feel you need. You can't change your husband, but you can make changes in yourself that will in turn affect your husband...this is the HARDEST part in admitting that if we look at new ways of doing thing and saying things WE CAN HAVE THE POWER OF POSITIVE CHANGE :)
Second, If you like to read, get the book Boundaries in Marriage by Dr Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend. You will be AMAZED at what you learn and how truly simple it is to make some little changes in yourself to impact your husbands life. I'm reading this book right now and it is amazing how it makes you think differently about life and how you only have the ability to change yourself. It's a great read.
Have you ever heard of www.flylady.com ? I just went to this site and I'm really excited to start the 1 day at a time routine to organizing your life. Check it out. It's not overwhelming because she breaks down the steps in a 1 day at a time way and then helps you write up some routines to follow each day. It might help you with all of the "Stuff" you have to get done in a day while still being a great mother to your children. Good luck with everything and if you want to talk more about the stuff my couselor and I have talked about just e-mail me. I'd love to help out if you can't get to a counselor yourself. Check out the book though!

hello S.,
i do not have any first hand experience to offer.
i do however, have a good friend that has 6 children; her oldest is 7yrs. her husband is a prof. and has belittled her their entire marriage and often wonders what she does with her day....
we have spoken to him and my husband has personally made it his goal to get thru to him about how he treats his wife.
perseverence, my friend. she endures, she seeks emotional support and he is finally listening to others about his behavior and changing his commentary at the end of the day. she has also learned that what her husband thinks of her is not the final verdict. she answers to a higher 'father' and strives to please Him, not her husband. that is what keeps her grounded.
we are christians and definately attribute this change to the consistent prayer and support we and others have given thru the years.
so, talk to your husband. give him the chance to be with the kids alone for 3+ hrs. make a log of your day to show him what you do.
above all seek emotional support; friends, a counselor for you.
i pray you both know a couple or a man (specifically) that can speak into your situation. a friend of his that can get thru to him.
also, we recommend the book Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp. this could help you with your 15 month old. when my 17 month old consistently does something that we know she knows she should not do; we firmly apply discipline. talk with your pediatrician for and underlying medical cause first. if you know it is just her will against yours... you are the mommy, you are law. with a child so young we often flick her hand; just a little sting so she knows we are serious.
i will have to read it again but have you tried setting her in her crib and leaving? hope this helps becky (a mom of two girls; 4 and 17 months)

Honey, it's not just your husband. Me and all my stay-at-home-mom friends all complain about how our husbands think we have it soooo easy at home and their jobs are soooo hard. LoL They have no idea how hard it is, and how much work goes into running a house and raising the kids! When I rattle off all the things I have to do and keep track of and invite my husband to take over for a week, he usually backs down! LoL

But on a serios note: if your hubby won't go to counceling with you, go by yourself. You need to talk to someone and get some useful solutions that you can apply to your life and relationship.

Are you involved with your church? Early on in our marriage we went for counsel from our Pastor. It helped us air out our differences in a neutral place. Otherwise I would try couples counseling. Most insurances have benefits for mental health. I am a stay at home mom as of last year but my hubby and I divide up the chores. He does laundry and I still do everything pretty much but talk to him when I need him to help out or am getting overwhelmed. Also when the weather gets nice try to get out of the house even if its to the park with the kids. Many communities have mommy play groups. Every couple argues. It's when you stop communication that everything else stops.

I think that you should just worry about yourself and your girls and get the help you need. If he is unwilling to go to counseling than you should go by yourself. If you start working on yourself he is more likely to follow your lead.

Hi S. -- I won't repeat all the good advice, but I after reading your bio I just wanted to urge you to put any more children on hold until you resolve this. While more kids would be a joy, as you can see, the work of raising them (and your husband) will fall on you. You'll yell more, be less happy and the kids will feel the brunt of an unhappy environment. You don't need the aggrevation right now!

And leave him with the kids for the day. Not just a few hours. Good luck!