My Guests Are Staying Late, Baby Is Stays Awake!

I have to go with the crowd who says to set expectations in advance. When inviting people over, state what time you expect to be through. For example, "why don't you come over until about 9?" I would set the time earlier than I hoped for everyone to be gone. And at the prescribed time, start picking things up, clearing the kitchen, et cetera.

My husband and I enjoy guests immensely but are not late-nighters. It has become something of a joke among our friends that Arthur and B. turn into pumpkins at 10. We can handle the joke, and are in bed by 10:30!

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My solution would be to make it very clear at the time of invitation. "We're having a dinner party from 6 pm to 9 pm--because otherwise it's so hard to put baby to sleep, you know." That way, when the time comes, if people forget, others might remind them, or you could, without feeling too rude. Honestly, if after that invitation they seem to forget, I think you have the right to remind them and even of being a bit rude if necessary.

Good luck!
G.

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When he starts getting fussy and ready for bed, just tactfully tell your friends "well, it's Baby's bedtime, I really need to get him to bed now. How about I give you a call tomorrow and we can finish our visit then". Then get up and walk to the door. They will get the drift and follow.

Another way to handle is to establish the time to leave before or right when they get there. If it is a planned visit, address the bedtime when the plans are being made. Say something like "we'd love to have you over, but we're going to have to end the night by 9:30". And if they are drop-ins, tell them when they get there, "we'd love for you to stay and visit, but at 9:30 we've got to get Baby to bed". If they are truly your friends, they will respect your wishes. And if they are family, then they have no choice but to respect them! ;-) If the subtle hints just aren't working, you might just have to bite to bullet and tell them straight up, "We have got to get him to bed by 9:30 and we really need everyone to be gone by then so we can do so."

Good luck!!

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It sounds like you're so frustrated you're ready to jump from hinting to something a little less tactfully blatant, & I can't blame you! Are your guests invited? If so, I would only ever extend invitations with the clear expectation that it expires at 8pm (to give yourselves wiggle room & time for a bedtime routine, which you may eventually want to establish). If your guests are just drop ins, then I would just be very direct. "Well, we've really enjoyed this, thank you so much for visiting, we'll have to do this again soon. It's the baby's bedtime now, though, so we're going to have to call it a night. Thanks for coming!"
Good luck!

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Have you thought of just exscusing yourself? I have a 2 mo. old and have had frequent visits from families and friends since she was born and when it's her bedtime, I exscuse myself to her room and we start her bedtime routine and she goes to sleep no problem because I've taken her out of the chaos.

Another plus with saying, "please exscuse me, I have to get this little one to bed" is that your guests realize that they are inturrupting your routine and may chose that time to leave.

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My suggestion is to let your guests know the new rules before they come over. For instance, you could say, "Hey, we would love for you guys to comeover today around 5pm, but we're shutting the party down a 9pm, because that's baby's bedtime...I know that wasn't our pre-baby routine, but we are really trying to create a consistant schedule for our new family." People will generally follow the rules if you tell them ahead of time, and then be strong (with your husband's help, of course) about letting them know "we need to wrap this up it's almost 9". You both need to be on the same side of this if it's to work. Good luck! I've been there : )

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If your visitors are true friends, they should not be hurt if you ask them to leave at a preset time. A true friend should understand. If it is a party by invitation, indicate on the invitation the time that the party is to be over and then allow them an additional 30 minutes for goodbyes. Sometimes we have to be sturn instead of hinting.

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Be honest. Just ask them to leave. Taking care of your family is never rude. About a half hour before you want them to leave, start talking about wrapping it up..."Well you guys are going to have to get going soon, we have to get the baby down." That way they can mentally prepare and not feel shoved out the door. Tell them that baby had a long day and you need to keep him to a schedule. Then make a joke of it at the time, well, sorry to kick you guys out...gotta get baby to bed! Really thanks for coming over." That kind of thing. They are family, you should be able to tell them how you feel...the other idea is to pick someone in the group who has a clue, like your mother. Talk to them alone about the situation and enlist their help getting everyone out. Your person can simply reiterate what you have said, "ok guys, lets go so they can get the baby to bed." Good luck.

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Hi J.,

I would approach it with a sense of humor. Try the old bartender trick at 8:50 say to all friends and family, "All right folks it's time to clear out. We've had a great time! You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. It's closing time." Then stand at the door with the door ajar and bid them good night as they leave.

You need to be firm with friends and family. Stop hinting and start communicating your needs and boundaries. I had to do this with the phone. My husband's family all live in other time zones. They USED to have no problem calling at 10 or 11 PM. I had to insist they add a few hours to their time...if it was after 8PM Central, do not call! If they did, we didn't answer.

Good luck!

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my advice is to be honest. tell your guests when they arrive what time the evening has to end for your child to get the rest he needs. I promise they will understand, and if they don't, they are not very good friends.

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If your not-so-subtle hints are not working, then it's time to take a stronger stand. You have to stop being the hosts for a while. When your friends ask why you don't invite them over any more, simply tell them that the late nights are too hard on your baby. Either they will understand, and you can start having get-togethers that end on time, or they won't understand, and you'll just have to enjoy putting your baby first until he gets old enough to endure the late nights without difficulty. When you do start hosting again, make the invitation clear--"We'd love to have you over for a get-together from 6:00 to 9:00 P.M. on Saturday. Can you make it?". If your guests are not considerate enough to leave when your baby needs quiet, then they don't sound like friends worth having in the first place.

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I, also, have a 4 1/2 month old. My husband and I entertain alot.

When we had her I did not want to prevent having people over for dinner parties and football watching.

For everyday, I put a sound machine (Sears or Target - online $50) in her room. This way I can do whatever I need in my house. Our room is right next to hers so I wanted to still be able to do whatever I needed.

When I have people over or my husband mows the yard, I put a box fan in her room (Lowes $20). I point it away from her and turn it on the second or third setting. This is awesome! She cannot hear a thing, not even the lawn mower.

It has worked so great that we have used it on trips where we all have to sleep in the same room.

Everyone has great suggestions, but now that summer is here and the weather is better...why not have late afternoon cookouts instead of dinner parties? That way everyone gets a good chance to visit, and your guests might be more willing to leave earlier if they got there at 4 rather than at 6 or so.

Otherwise, I would go with the suggestions to invite the people that can take a hint. But also...get a sitter and go out to THEIR houses once in a while. Surely you're not the only entertainer in the group? (and if you are, you're being terribly taken advantage of...just sayin'.)

Hi. These people must not have children and if they do have children they must be older. The absolute thing to do would be to not have gatherings at home. You could consider meeting some place for the adult converstation. If you would still like to receive your gest at home you may also consider starting your gathering earlier. I find that when people start to clean or pickup that is a sure fire way to get people to leave. I know that is kind of drastic, but it works.

A little about me:

I am a mother of 2. A super smart 4 year old and a spirited 2 year old son.

Could you try a little humor? Maybe tell them you are going to bed so that they can go hom and that you'll see them LATER in the week. Tell them it has been a long day and you are looking for some "private time" with your husband and that you can nOT get it while they are there. Tell them to have a nice evening and turn off the lights,

I have done this before. I was hard put you have to do something or you will never have privacy. Good luck.

J., I feel your pain. My husband and I have 3 girls (8,5 and 2), and our house is known for the weekend get togethers. What I have started doing is for those friends of ours that do have kids and bring them to our house is I make a huge pallet in our bedroom for all the kids to lay down on. I turn on a movie and have the kids lay down. I put my 2 year old to bed, and then move all the guests outside. If they don't want to go outside, they can go lay down with the kids. It took me til my 3rd pregnancy to figure this out, so i will tell you what i tell myself, "this is your house, your kids house, and yes these are your friends, but they aren't your friends if the don't respect your house or your kids. If they have a problem with me putting the kids to sleep, when they obviously need to, then the next get together can be at their house and i will leave at bedtime."
Somtimes being polite is not the best thing to do, you have to tell them point blank, "It is time for the baby to go to bed. You don't have to go home, but you got to get the >>>> out of my home!"

Good luck!
J.

What worked for me in those situations where noise was keeping my kid up was white noise. I put on a white noise machine or a humming fan and it blends all the noise and helps him get to sleep. It has worked when we have people over and it works when there's construction on the neighbor's house during naptime,etc.

To my guests I would say: Junior is having trouble getting settled down with the noise of the party. I am going to have to cut the party short.

Unfortunately, I've not had that problem 'cause my company (whenever I have something at my house) knows when to get the hell out.

How many people are at your house that you can't just tell them that it's late and y'all will hang out again soon. You're just going to stop being so timid and tell them like this, "I really don't mean no harm, and as always my husband and I enjoy the company but let's just call it a night." If that doesn't work tell them to "get the hell out!"

J.
Just tell your guests, before they come over, that the late evenings are disrupting your child's bedtime routine and negatively affecting his mood for the next day or so. Your invitation, however informal, should include an end time... for instance - "Hey Bill, we'd love to have you and Susan over tomorrow evening for dinner from 5 to 9." You can make a humorous comment about how you look forward to when your child is old enough to put himself to bed, or stay up late with the big kids.

During your event, when that time arrives, stand up and (interrupting conversation if you have to) announce...
"Well, thank you all for such a lovely time. I need to put our baby to bed now, so it is time for everyone to go home. I do hope we can do this again soon!" Then go give everyone a hug and kiss, turn around and walk out the door with the baby.

Your husband can then pick up drink glasses and usher everyone out while you start with the bath/pjs/story routine.

Your friends will be a little startled at first, especially if they don't have children of their own. However, they will adjust.
Hope this helps!
M.

"John and I have been thinking about how Timmy gets so fussy around 9 o’clock. We thought that we would try getting everyone out of the house by 9:00 or 9:30 to see if that help with his sleeping problems and fussyness."
Then when 9 o’clock comes around, simply say, “Well, it’s been fun and we will see you guys later. We need to work on getting Timmy to bed now. Thanks for visiting.” If they don’t get the hint, turn off the TV/music, turn down the lights, put up the food, clear the drinks. If they still don’t get it, they are being rude. Tell them, “You don’t have to go home, you just have to go. Bye.”
I would not consider this rude. They are being rude by not respecting your family time. Stand up for your family. It will be ok. They will still love you.
Officers are hard to offend and harder to get the message to. Blunt is pretty acceptible with this group. Good luck.

Been there ~ doing this! After many years of kids, and my youngest is 10, I have finally learned to just tell people ahead of time..."I am really looking forward to your company, but I have to tell you ahead of time that the party needs to end at nine. Especially on a school night. So what time do you want to come over so that we have enough time for a good visit?" Then before I hang up, I usually have to repeat the request. I have also found that I've had to weed out the less mature, more intrusive guests from coming over in the first place. It is hard, but I have read the book "Boundries" and also "The Four Agreements" and these have helped me to gain perspective on matters having to do with my family.
Good luck with this, and God bless your new marriage and baby!

There is no easy way--People are people and feelings are on their sleeves. However, you and your husband just sit down and make your boundaries and let your guest know. Perhaps you could start with "you know since we now have a child our time just isn't our own--it would be great if you could give us a call/or heads up when we are planing to get together"
This is your home and there is not need for you or your husband to be frustrated by others behaviour.

Praying for ya--K.--(it won't be easy00but worth it)

I know exactly where you are coming from! You want to have people over and socialize, but you also want your baby to sleep well. In these situations, you don't want to seem rude and ask them to leave. I just ask my guests if they could keep it down after a certain time so my baby can rest. Most people understand. And if they don't, it is probably because they have never had children. Maybe move the fun to a room away from the baby's room. You could even put on some laid-back music for your guests to block out the noise - Jimmy Buffet always works for us! Then excuse yourself take the baby in his room for some quiet wind-down time away from the excitement.
Another option is you could just start your get-together earlier in the day and let your guests know ahead of time that the party ends at 9 so you can get your baby down. You could even send and e-vite with a set time to give your friends the extra hint! Good luck!

It is up to you and your husband to set boundaries and you can do it tactfully. As guests are invited or as they arrive tell them in a firm but friendly way that your schedule calls for lights out at 9:30 so you want them to have as much fun, food, laughs, whatever as they can until 9:00 when "we'll all say good bye" so that your family can settle down. If they call you fuddy-duddy's tell them that is okay, that you intend to be party animals again in about 20 years! Keep it light but don't beat around the bush. Maybe you will need to begin your gatherings a little earlier.

Just a few thoughts -- surely not all your friends and family members are equally insensitive? Perhaps while your baby is young, only invite the ones who are able to take a hint? Another possibility is invite people FOR a set time -- maybe pick social activities that start in the afternoon instead of the evening, and invite people "from 4-8" in your emails or voice mails or in person if need be? Another strategy might be stopping the flow of alcohol at a certain point, perhaps by only having enough in the house to get the party through 9 or so, and then just stop serving -- I don't know this, of course, but my own experience is that there is always time to stick around for another drink, and that if that next drink isn't forthcoming, there may be things peopple suddenly remember they have to get to at home.

Finally, you leaving would only be immature if your husband is genuinely just as unsure as you are about how to manage this, and if you are just as eager as he is to have these guests over all the time. If, however, he is sometimes more eager to see his friends and more reluctant to add his own hints, which the men, who might be more his friends and might be the ones with more clout to say when a couple goes home (sorry if I am making assumptions -- if you are living in a feminist paradise where women have as much social influence as men, let me know where you live so I can move there!), then it might be just the thing to let your husband know what kind of support you would like from him tog get the friends and family out the door at a reasonable hour, and to let him know, kindly, that if they aren't gone by a certain time, you'll be leaving to enjoy the peace and quiet at a friend's house nearby, or at a relative's. You could even take the baby with you. To me, the most important thing is to HAVE A PLAN, and for everyone to know what it is -- your husband, especially, but your friends and relations as well. You sound like you have a wonderful and thriving social circle, and that is good for both of you, and will be good for your child as well, but you and your baby's needs are not being respected, and one way or another, they need to take priority when it comes to sleep, especially since problems with sleep at such an early age can make it a lot harder to get a good, predictable bedtime routine later on. If none of these ideas would work for you, I know that Miss Manners has responded to the question of how to politely let guests know that it's time to go home -- you could try checking her book out of a local library -- her stuff is funny AND effective.

Best wishes!
M.

Dear J., Why are you hinting to your guests about leaving at a reasonable time? You did not mentioned if they are married with children or what. Some single adults don't have a clue about regular bedtime for children because they have not been in that situation. Same is true for some married adults. When baby entered the household, the dynamics for time changed also. Time flies when we are having fun. But, being upset and resentful the next day with yourself and your guests is leading to health problems down the road. Get a do not disturb sign and place on the bedroom door of your baby and stay in there with him. Lock the door if necessary. Fall asleep, too. Tell your husband of your plans. Then he needs to stand up and say it is time for him to get some shuteye so it is time for everyone to go home. If you don't reclaim your time, believe you me someone or something else will!!

Everyone has offered great ideas. The only other thing I would like to offer is what I have to do. We also always have guests since my little one has been born, now he's three and a half. So, my option isn't great either, but in addition to letting everyone know your dinner times, I will actually just tell everyone...excuse me while I go put the baby to bed, it may take a while so I'll say my Good Nite now to everyone. Usually that gets 'couples' to head to the door. The drawback is when it's just the guys over, the guys will continue(that's usually the guys without kids!, the ones with kiddies know the drill and leave)
Good Luck

This is just my opinion: It is so important to not lose YOUR life just because there is a baby in the house now. I also think it is so important for kids to grow up in homes where people are welcome and there are many friends and family over. I didn't grow up in house where there were people over all the time and I really wish my parents had of had more people over.

My kids, all three of them, got used to sleeping in complete chaos! It is somewhat unrealistic for you to expect a 4 month old to be on a set schedule. If your son was tired it wouldn't matter if you had a house full of people or not -- he would go to sleep. My kids used to take their nap in the car seats at doctor's offices because my oldest has CHARGE Syndrome and sees many pediatric specialists. They are now much older and grew up just fine. They can now sleep through any noise, which is a good thing. They used to take naps at home in car seats or swings or whatever, which was good too because they would then be comfortable sleeping at other people's houses when they got bigger. They didn't have to have their own bed in order to sleep. It made going on vacation easier too.

However, if YOU want your visitors to leave at an earlier hour, then just be honest and tell them. I know how tired new parents can get when you don't get a full nights sleep. Your son, though, will learn to sleep through any noise. I would hate to see you cut yourself off from friends and family coming over.

Enjoy!

J.
www.livetotalwellness.com/janislanz

This what I say. "Ok everybody, enjoy yourselves, lockup when you leave, I just have to get some sleep. Love you. Glad you came. Hope you will forgive me, but I just need to sleep." Then leave, go to bed. Hope this helps.

STOP being so polite.When you make your invites let people know what time your get together is over.Start whindding things up 45min early.Tell them your trying to get your son on a schedule and its important for him to have one cause babies get fussy and you have a hard time getting him down at a late time.People wont take hints when alcohol is present and even if there isn't,people like to social if their plans are getting up late the next day or just don't care cause they don't have small babies.This is you life and your childs.Get a nerve as for your husband too, be able to say when is enough and if you feel you can't speak up,start your get together at dawn and maybe the'll be gone by the time your ready for them to leave.

Here's what I would do. It may not go over very well; but, desperate times call for desperate measures ! Anyway, how about something like. We love you all dearly; but, around 9:30 or so the baby is just winding down and going to bed. It's very difficult to settle him in for the night with so many people around. If he doesn't get to sleep, he is so very cranky. Thank you all for being so considerate. At that time I would go to my child's room and stay there with him until he was satisfied, then I would go to bed.

You have to really mean it. So, good luck and love to your family.

Dear J.,

There is absolutely nothing wrong with gently, but effectively saying how much you appreciate seeing your friends, but that now that you have a little one around, you are trying to establish a schedule that will work really well for your new little one and his parents. If the guests coming over are announced and you speak to them beforehand, simply mention that with the new activity levels in your house, you've discovered that you do best with an earlier bedtime(for everyone), and that they'll need to plan to leave by the time you specify -- so they know this up front. If they are drop-in guests, then you simply advise them early in the visit with the same reasoning, "we have more to do in our day and we do better when we get to bed earlier, so we'll enjoy visiting until our bedtime, which is ____". By letting them know what to expect, it's much easier. About the last 15 minutes of your visit, you can include them in clean-up and shutting down activities or you can do so around them, but make sure they know, you guys are shutting down and you've enjoyed seeing them, and thank them for helping you observe your new and improved household practices.

Good luck, G. B.

J.,

Why are people today preoccupied with "hinting?" This seems to be the operating norm of the day, whether with guests (as in your posting) or with spouses, or children, or employers.

One of the most perplexing (and in my view tragic and damaging) behaviors of today's society is the apparent belief that CANDOR and RUDENESS are synonymous and inseparable. They are not. As I read "Mamasource" postings/responses and other sources of issues, beliefs and advice, it seems to be a common delusion that many people operate under. Why is there such reluctance to BE HONEST? I can't believe how many times I see people recommend that others resort to "white lies" (of which there is no such thing) instead of simply telling the truth. One does NOT have to BE rude when expressing yourself honestly. Our society has forfeited many tenets of common courtesy, sometimes with twisted views that deception is for the purpose of being courteous. It is far more GRACIOUS to directly, sweetly and without apology state your belief/desire/wish (this applies to all people, all situations.)

You state that your friends are both invitees and drop-ins. For the invitees, set your expectations in advance. "We want you to come over for/to: ["dinner", "drinks", "ice cream", "pizza", "a visit", "play bridge", "watch a ball game*", etc.; WHATEVER, just be specific.] You SAY that you have tried "saying from 6-9 PM", but that isn't working. It seems clear that it isn't working because you (and your husband) don't "stick to" your stated expectations, and then you wonder why your guests don't leave? You "hint", they don't bite, and you get frustrated (or worse yet, angry.) For drop-ins, simply inform them of your time constraints/allowances when they arrive. For either group, when it is about 30 minutes before departure time, say "Hey, guys, its been great, but it is about 8:30. We just want to give a little "heads-up" so we can wrap up the fun. We put [baby] to bed about 9:00, so if you want to see him before you go, it's that time." Your good-byes don't have to be "stilted" - seems like with a Deputy Sheriff your a husband, ya'll could have some FUN with getting people to take you seriously about departure time. What you DO have to do is to stick with your stated expectations, and stop the "game" of trying to get people to read your "hints."

You say that your husband doesn't help, but indicate that philosophically he is "on the same sheet of music" and just doesn't want to hurt friend's feelings. Be sure. Sounds like he may not be entirely honest with you. [And perhaps you are not being honest with him or yourself, either. Do you really "enjoy" the entertaining you are doing? If so, GREAT! You and your husband are offering friends the benefit of a place to get together and have a good time. They should be happy to enjoy that privilege within your parameters.] Anyway, discuss openly together what your real expectations are, regarding entertaining. If a couple is really "of the same mind" (whatever the objective) then you will look forward to discussing the situation, developing a plan to achieve your mutual objective and exercising that plan to success. Once you are in agreement role-play your planned strategies (in this dilemma, "guest exit-strategy statements") to each other, simply to reinforce your approach [remember, these statements need to be honest, cordial, and kind.] And for the BEST success, plan a "couples reward" - a treat of mutual consent/choice to reward you both for sticking to your plan. Who CAN'T think of a choice reward for you and your hubby "after the guests are gone and the baby is asleep???"

Be honest. Be kind. Be firm.

Hugs,
K.

Psalm 85:10 - "Lovingkindness and truth have met together; Righteousness and peace have kissed each other."

Jeremiah 9:5 - "Everyone deceives his neighbor, and does not speak the truth. They have taught their tongue to speak lies; they weary themselves committing iniquity."

1 Corinthians 13:6 - "Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth."

Psalms 86:15 - "But You, O Lord, are a God full of compassion, and gracious, longsuffering and abundant in mercy and truth."

Tell them before they come or when they walk in the door that we will be shutting this down at at 9:00 because there is a baby here now. They probably don't realize it's an issue. Don't get mad just be point blank honest. I am a survivor of brain surgery. When I tell people "I can only stay up until 9:00 or I can't go tomorrow" they understand. They'll understand your situation too. You just have to be polite & make them aware. I'm sure you won't hurt their feelings. Loved ones are capable of putting themselves in your shoes. You just have to tell them.

Hey J.,

One idea would be to set expectations before your guests arrive. You could say something like, "My husband and I would love to have you guys over for an early dinner on Friday night. I was thinking from about 6:00 to 9 or 10 pm? Would that work for you?" If asked about having an ending time, you could make a joke like, "Yeah, our days of entertaining until the wee hours of the night are over, at least for now." Another idea would be to entertain mid-week as opposed to on a weekend night. People tend to stay much later and want to make more of a night of it if they are invited on a Friday or Saturday night. And finally, one last idea would be just to come clean with your guests with an honest conversation. You could say something like, "My husband and I would love to have you guys over on Friday. Problem though is that we would have to call it a night early, like around 9 or 10pm. Our son is just not able to sleep with other people in the house."

Good luck! Babies really do change everything, don't they?

V.

You've been given some great advice about being more up-front and assertive with your guests and talking strategy and expectations with your husband. I would also suggest winding things down about 15 to 30 minutes before it's time for everyone to leave. Make sure the movie ends before 9:00. Turn off the T.V. or music or video game. I would also limit or exclude alcohol from the party. Good luck!