My Grandson Was Adopted Outside Our family....anyone Else Go Through This?

I am not in this position, but I am an adoptee. I was adopted when I was two days old. I found out when I was 9 that I was adopted. I have met and am in contact with my biological mother as well as my two half-sisters. I would suggest keeping up the emails. I would not ask questions as to why she is not keeping in touch with you, but I would keep the emails positive. Things like you are thinking of THEM and were wondering how they were. She may have a fear that you are going to try to take him away. My Grandmother would never get close to me beacuse of the adoption. She was always scared that my biological mother would try to take me. I regret that my Grandmother and I did not have a strong relationship. Stay as positive as you can and email things such as Hi and thinking of you and wishing you well.Hopefully she will reply with a few words at first and then the lines of communication will be reopened. I wish you the best of luck in the situation.
T. C

My heart breaks for you, and although our situation is a little different, I may be able to offer support as an adoptive mom. We adopted my son last year unexpectedly when his grandmother who was caring for him, along with occasional support from his birth mother, passed away unexpectedly. We have had him for over a year now, and while I am very open to keeping in touch with his biological family, especially since his birth mother is part of my husbands family, sometimes it's hard. My son's paternal family are a messed up group of individuals, and I did try to maintain contact with them, but due to drug use, and some other issues, I have made it very limited, to protect my baby.
What I can tell you is.. there is a fear as an adopted parent that someone will come and take your baby away. That it is hard sometimes to be reminded constantly that you didn't give birth to your child and there are others in his life that know that. It's a very hard thing to admit to. It's selfish and unfair to others who love him, but none the less, it's been true for me. I talk to my son's birth mother about once a week, and although I love her, and she has given me the greatest gift I have ever known... I at times resent that fact that I am constantly reminded that he is hers, too. Honestly, it kills me to admit all this, because I don't ever talk about it to anyone.. but I know how much pain you are going through and I wanted to offer some other insight..
I would advise that you try to stay in contact.. as his grandma. There will come a time, even if they never contact you back, when he will want to know you. I went through this myself with my birth mother's family. Turns out I didn't want to know them, but for years I was plagued with the question of why they didn't care enough to contact me??. Try not to be pushy.. maybe just tell them you'd like photo's and updates of how he's doing. I hope this helps.
One other thing I'd like to add.. it does help a bit when his birth mother and father tell me that they are so happy he's with me.. that they know he is loved and safe. They tell me that my husband and I gave him the gift of a loving, stable home. It makes me feel like they are happy for all of us as a family.

I am a grandmother, but not of this child. In 1990, my youngest son and I did foster care for a 3-month old boy who was found in a box, on a doorstep. The foster company brought him to us, apparently a drug harmed infant, and he screamed for 2 solid months. After that, we happily kept him until he was 2 1/2, and asked to adopt him. I was refused since I was 55, myself.
One weekend, he was taken for a visit to his original family, and never returned to us. We were devastated, but did find out where he was sent soon after and adopted. We had the opportunity to see him, happy in his new home, and to follow him a little bit, until he was about 5 and had a baby brother.
Since then, we have stayed away. He is always our baby, though, and it might be nice to see him again, perhaps next year when he turns 18, if his parents think that wise. He may not even know that he was adopted!
But, you never do forget, it does get a little easier, and we still do celebrate his birthdays, just me and my son. SB

Hello! I am not a grandmother in your position, but I can offer you another view point that I hope will help. I am an adoptive mom. We adopted my son (who is now 4 1/2) when he was 8 mos old. He was adopted from Russia and while we cannot keep contact with his birth family (mostly because Russia would not give us any info on them)we do try to teach him about that culture and his heritage. Having said that we are now also in the process of a domestic adoption through a private agency licensed for DFCS placements. We have requested a child between 2-7 (gender not specified) or a sibling group of two in this age range. We took parenting classes prior to this adoption that stressed that while birth family rights are terminated at adoption if the child has siblings (and I would imagine other relatives) who are POSITIVE relationships visitation can often ease the anxiety a child feels in this situation. We personally plan to allow contact with family who are POSITVE (I stress this because so often it is not the case) influences. Have you tried to contact the adopted mother? Maybe she is feeling insecure (I know I do all the time) about her role as a mom and is struggling with her place in his life. Or perhaps something has happened in her life that has caused the communication to stop. I would try to contact her and express your love for her son and your need to know that he is well and happy. My heart goes out to you. I know how this feels from our end but I can only imagine your pain. I hope that you get some answers and some comfort!

Oh how I know your heartache! I had my granddaughter for three years mostly everyday and my son got married to a real insecure woman who talked him into keeping my grandchild from me for fifteen years.I cried bucketfuls of tears and ached for her. My solution was to call out to God over and over again to get some peace within myself. Go to a center here there are lots of kids and hold them and give that love you have for your grandchild to them.I feel for you and know it is devastating. Time does help to heal. Hope this helps you!

Hi S., well mine a little different but it all hurts like heck. My son fathered a child whom, we all love and adore. Well the relationship between my son and his girl friend broke off. And she ended my relationship with my grandson, whom for the first 3 years of his life stayed with his father , who lived with his parents. Anyway i was upset mad, crazy with greif, but god stepped in and i now see him every other weekend mostly, trust god. And before you know it you will here from them.we now have raised 5 of our own ages 30 to 22 and have started over and hope to adopt this little boy who has been in our care since 4 weeks old .good luck and god bless.

Hi S.,

I adopted my little girl 9 years ago from someone outside of my family. We have an open adoption which means for us that I made sure first of all that my daughter from the very beginning before she was old enough to understand that she was adopted. I promised her birth mother and grandmother that they would be a part of our lives forever and they are. My baby knows how much she is loved on both sides and she understands. We talk on the phone; I don't send pictures as much as I should; but I'm going to get better at that. They have come to visit us and we have gone to visit them. It can work with open communication and no lies. One of my family members thought that I was going to confuse my child by allowing them to be a part of her life but I didn't believe that and it's works out great. I can understand your longing to hold your baby and I pray that she will contact you again; if not can you contact her somehow. My babygirl is a happy, healthy, and well rounded little girl. She knows who her birth family is and how much they love her. I'm sorry you are having to go through this. Take care of yourself S. and know that God has everything in control. God Bless, Lenay

I am almost in tears. I could only imagine how that feels. Please pray to god for strength and wisdom for the right words. Then reach out to his adopted mother, she has some sort of compassion, or he would not be there. She is re-acting off of insecurity. Re-assure her of your intentions, let her know your pain, and let her know she is appreciated for seeing about your baby. As a woman, now mother, I am sure this will hit home. Good luck and please let us know how this works out for you.

I haven't gone through this, but I will admit that the option was considered when my daughter announced 4 mos.before her baby arrived in december, that she was pregnant. She and the baby's father were going to deal with this. Well, he got cold feet, they parted and I now have her and a 2 1/2 month old living with me.
I can just imagine what you are feeling. I hurry home every day after teaching just to rock him. I cannot fathom giving him up to anyone else.
The ideal situation would be that you maintained your grandmotherly position and see him, keep him for them when you could, and BE in his life. CAN A CHILD EVER HAVE TOO MANY PEOPLE WHO CARE ABOUT HIM?
I am praying about your loss. I cannot imagine how your heart must be broken.
Regards,
Cathy
Woodstock, GA

I am so sorry you are going through this.Maybe you can keep in toach and ask that they come visit on holidays or whenever and send you alot of pictures so that you can watch him grow.I can't relate to the situation but I think we all can imagaine how heartbreaking it is.I wish you luck

Oh my gosh yes..yes. My life is exactly as yours. I cry and cry. No one will help me. My son and baby's mother were not married but living together. They fell apart, she stopped all communication. My son did what he could do to register himself as father. She adopted the baby out behind his back. I yearn to at least know my grandsons date of birth, what he looks like, to have in my life somehow. I'm totally going out of my mind. My HEART is going out to you S. P. God Bless