My Grandson, Second Grade

This is hard, but I will tell you my opinion from a different angle than you might get from anyone else. I have 3 children, I am very close to the poverty line myself, we scrape by...my oldest son has a different dad than the younger two and he was paying child support regularly and now hasn't for some time and that is a fraction of why things are so hard right now, but that is neither here nor there...what I really want to tell you is the way my parents have handled how they "help" because I so appreciate all they do and I try to never take it for granted but human nature is not always so, sometimes it is easy to fall into "expectations" and taking for granted...my parents do not "loan" me money, they feel like I am an adult and I should stand on my own two feet. I am very honest about the way things are and occassionally they will give me money, but not often. They would much prefer to do things like, buying the kids some school supplies, buying the kids some back to school clothes, sending home some canned goods or a special treat my mom knows I would not buy for ourselves. I really think if you want to help that this is the approach you should take, because even though you want to see the best in people they can disappoint you, and this way you know it is going to the child, and honestly every little bit helps when you are struggling. I hope this helped. It is always hard to be in the position you are in especially when the parents are seperated. I would encourage your son to get his child back on the medication, it sounds like he really needs it, that and consistancy and patience and love. Good luck to you and God bless you for being so caring now, don't let yourself dwell on the past, forgive yourself and go forward, because none of us can go back in time and undo the things we have done, and no one is perfect, whatever you did I am sure at the time you were doing the best you knew how to do.
B.

S., I am not even going to try and give you advice on the medication issue. There really isn't anything you can do about it, other than possibly suggest to your son that he and his ex wife look into some other form of medication that might have less side effects. They need to talk this over with the pediatrician, he/she is the one that has the knowledge to help them make informed decision. His pharmacist may also be a valuable source of information.
I can only agree with the advice that your last Mama gave you...she is a very wise young woman. Your grandson needs love and acceptance...not "things". He will benefit most from your time and your consistance presence in his life. I like the idea of helping him by offering to get school supplies, a back pack, school clothes, don't just give Mom and Dad money that might be spent on something else.
Don't beat yourself up over the relationship you did or didn't have with your son as he was growing up. That is in the past and no amount of regret is going to change it. Start over from today...be the model that he needs to see when it comes to a relationship with his own son. Love him for who he is right now...give advice when it is asked for but don't overwhelm him. I have a grown step son who was the bain of my existence when he was young, but we have started over, we are accepting each other for who we are and where we are right now...and it is working...baby steps of progress..but it is working. It CAN be done!!!
Good luck and God Bless
R. Ann

I don't blame the mother for not wanting him on meds if they are making him into a zombie. I have seen this effect too may times. My son had a lot of "issues" & neither me nor his father wanted him on meds. The only thing is I knew he had to have something, his father was always - he's fine. He was miserable & angry all of the time. Flew off the handle at any instant. It wasn't fair to him to live that way, but meds would have to be my last resort. Have they tried counseling? If the mother has a lot of kids her household may be overstresssful for him & he may be having reactions to that stress by having a low tolerance when he is at school. Has anyone checked for allergies? Allergies can effect children in MANY ways. We have done NAET (homeopathic allergy treatments) with my son & it has worked wonders to turn him into a happy thriving boy (he's 9, we started it when he had just turned 8 & have almost completed the process). I didn't even know he had allergies. I just was at my wits end & called my chiropractor that had helped me with my oldest son's ear infections after his immune system had become reliant upon antibiotics & asked if they would do acupuncture on child & they referred me to the NAET program. There are ways around meds, but they take alot of effort from the parents & usually aren't covered by insurance, but in the long run are more cost effective. I would look into his teacher, meet her, get a feel for her personality. He obviously can't behave like that at school, but there may be a personality conflict. Can the school pinpoint what sets him off? My son didn't do well when put into large chaotic groups. He needed a certain mount of structure & alot of one on one, which the school didn't want to provide. I feel for you. It's hard sending a kid (grandkid) to school when it doesn't seem like things are good for him there. Any support you are capable of giving has to be a help. Whether staying on top of the school & what they are doing to help, going to (possibly) weekly meetings at school so the parents don't have to take off work,if that's an issue. Monetary help if they should choose a method insurance doesn't pay (that is if they have insurance) or assisting in any type of help for the child. I'm a 33 yr old single mother of two & it takes me working two jobs to put my son through his tx, but I know it's better than popping him pills everymorning & night! The more support the better. Also, think about how he is with you. does he act that way at your house? or his mom's? dad's? Try to find common denominators in his behavior. The fact that you are there & willing to help is HUGE. Sorry if I rambled too much...take care & hopefully you'll get alot of really good suggestions. Let us know how things go!

Tell your son you see how hard he is trying, and you are so proud of him. Ask him if there is anything you might do to help. Then follow his lead.

coming from the "not so wealthy" parent of a small child myself, i would say that the best thing you can do for your grandson is provide that wonderful loving grandma type love you already are. you're doing that ABSOLUTELY right. he needs your love more than anything else. he needs to come to grandmas and have that relaxed, loving, stress-free fun that we all want our memories of going to grandma's to be. i REALLY commend you for making such a huge effort to fix things with your son, that takes a huge amount of courage.

having said that, financial help, when done right, is often welcome by young parents in hard times. talk to your son about it, and tell him just what you told us. you want to help, not make things wierd between the two of you. ask HIM what he needs. it may just be some clothes for the grandson, shoes, etc...christmas is coming so it's a good time to bring it up. maybe a gift card to walmart for dad. i also agree with what other posters said, about sending goodies home with grandson after he's been with you. you can easily do that, send a few cans of veggies home, tell your son you had a bunch more than you thought, you thought they could use them, whatever. make an extra big batch of spaghetti and send some home, or a batch of cookies. you know, that kind of "mom" stuff :)

if money is the issue with the medication, AND the parents decide they want him on it (which is really not my business, or yours other than offering your opinion if it is asked), ask how you can help. your best bet is to communicate as clearly as possible to your son that you want to HELP. let him know, if it's not welcome to let you know that. as long as your son knows you're coming from a place of love, i have faith that you two will be able to work this out. it sounds like you have done a lot of good things to get this far, just keep at it and keep the lines of communication open with your son. i know you're trying to help your grandson, but another great thing is that this will help your son as well. great job grandma :)

Hi. My heart goes out to any family trying to figure out how to handle a child with behavior problems. I know first-hand how frustrating things can be. I would advise researching adhd, what it really is, and the various methods used to treat it. There are actually 5 different types of adhd, each responds differently to different methods of treatment and different medications. If your grandson truly has this, it sounds like he has definately been given the wrong med for him. I would look into it, find out which type sounds most like what his struggles are and the meds used for that particular type and talk to his doctor about what's right for him. Also, adhd tends to go hand in hand with anger issues. Adhd is an incredibly frusterating thing to deal with for the child and it seems to exaggerate their anger when they get mad at simple things. Maybe look into anger management counsling for him as well. The best thing you can do for him is eduacating yourself on adhd to have and understanding of what it is. That way you can be his advocate especially in the school system. It is so easy to throw the 'difficult' kids in the punishment classroom and label them as 'bad kids'. Elementary school is sooo important in laying the foundation of self... Try to help keep that baby from falling through the cracks.

S., I understand your delima. I can only tell you to do what is in your heart. It is hard to watch your children and grandchildren skimp but you can do little things like having them for dinner, food that is on sale that you know they like buy a couple of extra for them and after you have a couple of bags take them over. You are not interfering. You are helping them but not over powering them with help. If you can help with the school issue, offer on a limited basis. Just let him know you love them both and will help when you can. But say no if you have too. Do not cancel your plans to help them out.

I would look into the diagnosis. It may be correct, but sometimes ADD is used as a catchall diagnosis when nobody wants to take the time to do a really thorough evaluation. He may simply be angry or overstressed, sounds like he has enough reason for that. Which is not to blame the parents, but to say that there could be other ways to help that would be a lot more effective, and fewer or only good side effects. I agree that allergies are worth investigating. I've heard a lot of stories about kids with very difficult, violent behaviors who turned into happy, pleasant people when the allergen was removed.

It sure can be tricky navigating the grandparent/parent maze! I hope your grandson's mom feels you are an ally, a resource that she can call on. Have you told her that? Let her know that if she needs anything, she can ask you. If you aren't able to provide, maybe you can help her find other resources? Even though there have been rifts in the past, you all can do so much more for your grandson if you all work together.

S.,

I am a mom, step-mom and grandma so let me give you this from a very different perspective. I know that the medication issue is something that your son and your grandsons mom will have to figure out. But do some reading and familiarize yourself with things that can help your grandson. Mainly, like many others have said, give him your love! Kids always want a new toy, we hear it all the time. Just stand your ground with him on that issue.

As far as the money issue, let me explain a couple of things and then you can figure out your situation from there. My husband and I have been married for 19 years, we dated off and on for 5 years before that. He has 4 kids from his other marriages, and I have 4 kids from my previous marriage and we have 1 daughter together!

His oldest son is from his first marriage, he was never around him much, but sent christmas cards, birthday cards, etc...usually with money in there for him. His son never received the money! He has reconnected with his son, but the only time he calls his dad is for money!

His other 3 kids were here locally, we had them every other weekend, 2 of them lived with us, yet the ONLY time we hear from them is when they want money from us! To the point of you paid for her daughters wedding, so you owe me this much! They forget that I do work and bring in money too.
I finally got fed up and asked them when they were ever going to do something for their dad? How about HIS birthday or Fathers Day! They never do!

My 4 kids grew up with my husband in their lives, they don't ask anything from us, in fact they try to help us out when they can because my husband had 2 mild strokes and they put him on disability! His kids know this, but they don't care, they just want what they can get. My kids are grateful to him for everything he did for them although their dad is here too.

It all goes to the attitude of the child and these kids are all adults now from 42 to 21. There is no reason for us to try and support them, they need to support themselves. The ones we help? The grandkids and the kids who are trying to help themselves. If you are poor because you chose not to work it is not our problem. Maybe this sounds mean or cruel, but do not enable them, help them. Give them things that they need, but do not make it where they think of you as the banker! You will regret it, I know my husband does! He was always willing to give them what they wanted, not realizing the problems that were being created.

Maybe that makes sense to you, but bottom line, give all the emotional support you can. If you want to help them out with money do so sparingly!

Congratulations on getting your relationship back on track with your son. Hope things continue to go well for you.

L.