My Friend's Child Is Horrible

keep your daughter away from this girl......the only thing i can suggest for you is to talk to the mother & tell her the truth.....start out with "this is very diffiuclt for me but i want to be upfront and honest with you about....." although you may lose her as a friend let her know you dont want that.......i have a friend that i have been friends with for 23 years...she is divorced & has an 11 yr old son that i cant stand....i tolerate him because of our friendship but i discipline him because she doesnt......he is very disrespectful to her so i tell him that if he treats his mother like that then he is not welcome in my home or around my kids because they are young (5, 4, 2) & they will think its ok to treat me/talk to me the way he does his mother.......he is a respectful boy around me but i know he walks all over her & gets into trouble at school..........good luck to you

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I agree with another response -keep your child away from her! I have a child (he's only 3), but he exhibits many tendencies toward being aggressive, bullyish, etc. and my husband and I are doing everything we can to nip it in the bud. I love my child more than anything on earth, but I do recognize his bad behavior and am seeking to correct it before it gets even worse. Turning a blind eye is the WORSE thing parents can do. The girl's parents NEED a wake-up call, and perhaps you being honest with them will be it. If you truly cannot bring yourself to speak to them (although that would be far better), write them a letter. Neither you or your daughter need a friendship that is stressful and even harmful.

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Hi D.,

Get your daughter away from that little girl asap! Seriously, you do NOT need people like that in your life. That kid is a Parent-made entitled BRAT. The world and you do not need to cater to the likes of this kid. I am sure this little girl has some great qualities, but your first responsibility is to your own child. Explain to your adult friend that you will no longer put up with her child treating yours like a doormat. Give specific examples. Offer to get together without the girls. The best thing that school did was separate those two. I know it HAS to be rough possibly ending the friendship with you and the mother, but she will not look out for your child, only hers. Encourage your daughter to make new friends who see her for the lovely person I am sure she is. Do NOT feel bad about defending your daughter, if you "offend" your friend by keeping them separated, especially in school, she is/was not much of a friend to begin with! Sorry if I sound harsh, but describing your daughter, you could have described me when I was 6! Protect your child FIRST and to he!! with what anyone else thinks! :O) Hugs to you!

1 mom found this helpful

Good Morning D..
I have been where you are. I too did not confront my friend in the beginning. This is exactly what not to do.
I think that in some ways, our children don't become us...they are us. The same way our children didn't assert themselves is the same way we didn't put our foot down with our friends.

If she is a true friend, your friendship can be repaired. Sit her down today and tell her your reason for keeping silent. Let her know that you didn't want to hurt her feelings or criticize their parenting skills. Let her know that you care for her child and dont want to see her behavior get her in real trouble. Also, let her know that you have to protect your child and if the behavior continues she will no longer be allowed to play with your daughter. That means time for your friendship will be very limited. If she cares about the friendship she will be open to finding ways to improve her daughter's behavior.

Be kind, be understanding and be assertive.

Ditto, I agree with the other mom's so very much on this I have only one thing to add. Your little girl has the rest of her life to deal with, tolerate and work with boss, people in work places that are difficult. She shouldn't have to deal with, tolerate etc with this as a child she should enjoy being a child. It's your job to protect her from this situation as you can being her mother and her age now. No need to deal with this kind of kid if you don't have to. As far as losing a friendship well, if your friend can't see what is happening to her child then and doesn't want to change her childs behavior then she's not much of a friend, this will pass.

It seems your child is copying your behaviour. Perhaps you need to find a course that will help you become more assertive and thus help your child. You are letting this "friend" run over you and now you feel badly because she isn't happy. You deserve a better friend than that. V.

Hi D.,
I can imagine this is a real pull for you. Here are my thoughts.

Your friend is really struggling and probably does not know what to do with her child, and she most likely was hanging like crazy to the fact she had a "friend" in your daughter. Having said that, you have to advocate for your child until she is old enough to do it for herself. It would be best to tell her that you feel so badly, but you really want to see your child develop some friends that may be better suited to get along with her. Try not to criticize, but say, "It is just really hard for <mandy> to figure out how to work around your daughter, being so assertive, and we think it will be good to give her a chance to develop other friendships, so that later, she can maybe be better at knowing how to be friends in yours".

Maybe she will open up, it may not be all your friends fault that her daughter is out of control. Many times, kids that have these type issues are exaserbating and the parents learn none of their skillsets work anyway. If she gives you any opening - which she must extend, do not reach in unless she is ready - recommend that perhaps this book would be helpful:
1) Healing the childhood epidemics by Kenneth Bock (she will have to read it before judging because she will not want to accept that her daughter is having these problems)
2) Scream free parenting - setting boundries and consequences that can be followed through.
Having a child with these types of extreme behaviors is so painful, because like you, the parents believe it is all their fault, yet nothing they do works. Your friend needs your support and love, all the while you are drawing boundries for your child and what is good for her. It is a tough line, but while you may be convinced that she and her husband are terrible parents, you have not lived and failed with that child. It may be painful for you, but it is gut wrenching for her, because she knows what she has and she is scared of the doom that lays for that child.
Hope that helps, J.

Get over it by being madder at yourself for not protecting your own daughter sooner. Learn from it and think of the old addage, "When I know better, I do better."

What a terrible friend she is for allowing her daughters behavior to deteriorate to such a level. Children often weed out our friends, I am sorry to say. BUT YOUR Own child has to be your priority.

It is your job as a parent to raise strong, confident functional members of the greater society. That is it. That is the most important thing.

All you could have done different is to have done more sooner. You should have spoken up and sooner. You should not have allowed the girls to play together, and found another way to be friends with your friend if that is how she and her husband are raising their daughter.

This has nothing to do with the ability to be a loyal friend. You are a parent. It is not about you right now. God bless the school for splitting them up!!

I must say I am a bit distressed that your only concern is regarding the relationship with your friend. She doesn't sound like much of a friend if her child is such a monster towards your child and she doesn't correct her own child.

Why on earth would you put your child through that, you mentioned you tried to teach her through role playing and letting her know she should assert herself. Bottom line is children learn what they see and have role modeled for them. You aren't asserting yourself and correcting your friends child, or letting her mother know there is a problem or worse defending and sticking up for your own child. You aren't direct with your friend you are sneaking around getting them separated in school. Even worse your only concern is pacifying your friend the mother of the irresponsible monster.

I don't mean to be rude but for the sake of your child, act responsible towards your child, she and she alone is your priority. And Serve as a role model she is getting her pathetic bahavior from you and it will only get worse as she grows up if she isn't taught to have a backbone.

Please stop and think about how your behavior is being emulated by your child and that maybe you are to blame for putting your child in such a situation, not just once but repeatedly?

I don't think you should feel terrible at all! I have a friend and her daughter is terrible too. The difference is, however, that her daughter is three and mine is only two. My daughter doesn't know how to stand up for herself. I've told my husband that I hate it but if this behavior continues and they don't start disciplining their daughter, we'll have to back off from the friendship. I think you should try to talk to your friend and don't get into an argument but talk from the heart. You did the right thing.

If she's really your friend, tell her how you feel and your concern for her daughter and your own. You have to do whats best for your own child. Anyone can understand that.

How will the other girl ever be helped/change behavior if the problem is not addressed though? Then if the mother still chooses to be in denial instead of trying to help her own child, you did your part...Maybe you can give her some suggestions or something. My child is very strong willed, even to the point of being a bully sometimes (which was shocking for me becuase I had no clue where she got it and shes 3 1/2). I got books for when I need guidance on how to deal with a situation etc. We definately have talks and discipline. All kids need discipline. I would not blame another mother for not wanting their child around mine if my child was not properly behaving and respecting other children.

You have a moral responsibility to your child. You have no such responsibility to your friend.

One thought: you worry your child is not a leader and someone who asserts herself but you, yourself, are too afraid of your friend's reaction to address your concerns with her. I totally "get" that to come at her with a "you don't parent right and your kid is a terror" would not result in a good response!

But I think it would be more fair for you to talk to your friend and just say that you're worried about your daughter growing up to be a well-rounded and happy child. That you see her deferring to more assertive children. That, even with her best friend, you see an imbalance -- one child dominating and one being dominated. Even tell her you feel like her child is bullying yours. She may come back with, "I will talk to my child -- I want us to stay friends" or react in such a way that you tell her you think your family and hers need a bit of a break.

If this little girl is your daughter's best friend, don't take her best friend away from her. Monitor them when they are together and be your child's advocate if you feel things are getting out of hand. Reduce the together time and branch out to make new friends. They may naturally grow apart -- but your daughter would lose something big if she lost her best friend because you couldn't work things out with her mom. Your daughter is growing up and growing a personality. Some people are natural leaders and some people are happy to just follow. Both kinds of people are wonderful and both are necessary for our world to work. If she is never tested, she will never become assertive.

Last -- you know the situation a heck of a lot better than I do. Obviously, do what is best for your child. Regret over the loss of a friendship, if it comes to that, is a lot better than the regret of "I didn't stand up for my child when I should have." You have to do what you think is best.

Unless your heart, your soul, and your whole being are behind every decision you make, the words from your mouth will be empty, and each action will be meaningless. Truth and confidence are the roots of happiness -- Anonymous.

Telling her the truth in love is the best thing you can do for her and for everyone. She really can't be happy the way things are ... how did you teach and discipline your daughter? Did you follow a system? Is it a system that would work for her? Will she open up to you? Say things like, "Can I help you? Is there anything I can do?" Let her know that you are not abandoning her, but that your daughter and family come first in the decisions you make.

Oh, and have her watch Supernanny! There are some great, creative ideas on that show for dealing with children that seem too unmanageable. It takes commitment to raise a child the right way.

D.,

By splitting them up in different classrooms, your daughter will find new best friends and will gravitate away from the poorly behaved friend anyway. You do need to be honest with your friend so that she won't think it's her you are trying to avoid. You owe it to your daughter to keep them apart. Otherwise, you are teaching her to be submissive and to stay in an emotionally abusive situation. This could have a huge effect on her growing up that is likely to carry into relationships with men. Teach her to find friends that are kind, caring, and who build her up rather than tear her down. Then, she will require that of herself.

Good luck!

I have a very dear friend that has a daughter but she is years older than my daughter. My little girl looks up to her and takes her word as gospel. Luckily she is a great girl with great morals and is mostly very kind. However, if she were not I too would be facing a dilemma like yours. This is not a friend I would want to lose, she is very important to me. Our children are the first priority because it is our job to “teach them in the ways they should go” but we are people too and we need friends and support systems. I think it is totally worth your time to talk honestly and kindly to your friend and explain her daughter is hurting your daughter. Certainly she cares about you and your daughter and doesn’t want to cause pain to you. It may be just the thing to have her realize that her daughter needs a new direction and discipline. It also shows her you care enough about her and your friendship to not just let someone else arbitrate it. She may have not even realized there was a problem and may feel betrayed you didn’t come to her. Friendship is important for us as well as our kids. Don’t lose a good friend over something that may have been resolved. If you try and she rejects what you have to say then you can move on with peace knowing you did the right thing.

It's really too bad your friend couldn't figure this out herself and actually do something proactive about it. As mothers we all hope we will know when our child is "bad" but many seem not to (while others seem to almost will bad behavior by being so paranoid about it). Chances are she does know the truth but can't admit it to herself or you. It sounds like your only solution is to tell her the truth (you could always sugarcoat a little by saying something like "not only is your daughter really strong-headed but my daughter can be a push over and the school felt it was best they separate until they both mature"). Did the school tell her why they separated them or talked to her at all? If your friend can't accept the truth (esp if it's coming from you and the school) then you may just have to move on from this friendship because your child comes first. Your only other choice is just to wait it out. I had a friend like this when I was young and she is now a kind, generous person who shows none of those traits. There was no big intervention or anything, she just grew out of it. Our mothers are friends too but her mom was a bit more clued in especially b/c the school would write things on her report card like "bossy, bully, etc" and would write on mine "Is very sweet except when she plays with X"). As I said, if your friend can't see something so obvious, you may just have to move on and hope for everyone's sake that the child grows out of it. Good luck!

This is crazy! God gave you that beautiful 6 year old to love and take care of and protect. You should - at all cost - protect her from bully's like this. This is no friend for your little one. If you are a true friend you will be honest with your girl friend for her own good. (Just think what this child will be like as a teenager or adult) Sounds like that child is crying out for discipline from an adult. Don't ever put your precious child in a situation like this or any other. If you don't protect her, who will. Childhood should be full or happy memories, not this kind.

NEVER feel guilty or emabarrassed to be an advocate for your child. It is your responsibility to your dtr , not your friend or your friend's child, to do what's in the best interest for her. Unfortunately, friendships come and go, but you will be your dtr's mother for the rest of her life...that's the relationship you should nurture and protect.

Whether you will want to address your concerns with your friend is totally within your heart. If you feel that the friendship will grow from your honesty with her, it may be worth the effort. If not, know that not all friendships last a lifetime.

The school was doing their job! Stop blaming yourself. Good administrators do this. It is what is best for both children, not just yours.

When my youngest was not in school yet I would bring him to school with my when I volunteered. My best friend changed her volunteer date/time to the same as mine so our kids could see each other. Unfortunately then the 2 kids were unruley. So I asked the teacher, on the side, if she had a different time that I could switch to and somehow get it so that it would be just me and my son changing times. By himself he was quite content to volunteer quietly with me.

The teacher, who had over 30 years experience, was able to manipulate the bad situation into a workable one...with no one blaming anyone.

Good teachers and good administrators can do that for you too, even though your situation is different.

Both of my son's teachers have always appreciated requests to keep my son and their best friends seperated if they were in the same classroom to keep them from being disruptive. It is also common to keep kids apart that don't get along. It is called growing up with good teachers.

Don't blame yourself. You are responsible for your children. Be glad your daughter can concentrate on learning now instead of how to keep avoiding a bully everyday.

well, don't you become a victim. If your friend is offended, that is her choice to feel. Your actions should have her asking for help rather than throwing herself into defensiveness and denial. You were absolutely right to remove your child from this dysfunctional situation. If she does not get disciplined, her parents will pay heavily when she is a teenager. Do not allow feeling terrible to have you make decisions that are contrary to you and your family's best mental and physical health. If this all ends the relationship, so be it. Life happens. She betrayed herself (blaming you, of course) and any future relationships for her daughter with her denial. Stay strong and don't ever apologize to anyone for taking care of your family. Don't beat yourself up for taking a stand. Walk through feeling terrible and walk in pride that you handles the situation properly. Your friend has a problem that you cannot solve. Stay strong. You will find other parents/friends who raise their children properly. J. Gordon

You have done the right thing. The other girl is poison for your daughter. She will only teach her that abusive behavior is acceptable. I tend to be much more assertive than you, to the point where I have hurt other sensitive people with my honesty.

This is NOT your problem, however. I think you need to sit down with your friend who has let her child go wild and talk to her about discipline. There are plenty of good books about discipline that you could gift her. She's creating a monster. BUT there are spoiled children who do not develop the sociopathic tendencies of your daughters friend.

I'm ending that WHOLE association. I think your daughter doesn't need to see that child again. And your friend's friendship is costing your family WAY too high a price. It's sad, but you have done NOTHING wrong.

You cannot please this woman. She has no idea how to control her child. The fact that she blames others is not a good thing. I'm happy that your school stepped in. Offend your friend. Point out to her the things that are really wrong. If she is really a friend, she will know that you care about her and would only tell her the truth. If she denies it and blames you, sever the friendship, because it's not good for you, either. You don't need that little hellion in your home again.

D.,

You did the right thing. It is hard to be loyal to your friend without it costing your child. You had to remove your child from the toxic situation.

May I suggest you read the book call Boundaries for Children. This book has helped me so much. The author is Dr Townsend. You will get some good ideas on how to teach your child about boundaries and how to not people to cross. Your daughters friend crossed many boundaries.

Hi D., I know this is really difficult because as you said you want to be a loyal friend but you have to protect your daughter. This is just my opinion but I have even had to address a family member about the behavior of her child because of the way he was disrespecting both my child and my husband and I and we all live together! It makes it even harder, but here's the deal. 1. you said that you seethe silently rather than speak up and your friend blames everyone else for her daughter's behavior, so in a sense you both are enabling your children's behavior. Your daughter sees you "not" standing up for her or yourself when the other little girl behaves badly and the other mom enables her daughter's behavior by always blaming others. It's a vicious cycle and unless your daughter sees you set the example, she will not learn to stand up for herself or to stand up for others when someone is not treating them right.
I know you want to keep this friendship but honestly, your daughter and the good example you can set for her is more important and if this friend can't see that and how she is allowing her daughter to become a bully and treat others badly, she is setting her up for failure later in life, as employers, and peers will not allow her to get away with this as an adult. Be the parent and stand up to your friend in a nice way and explain to her what her daughter's behavior is doing to your daugher and that it is not always "others" fault. She will either be a grown up and accept this or she won't either way, if you lose the friendship, you teach your daughter a valuble lesson and she will appreciate you standing up for her.

Your intuition is correct. Obviously your first responsiblity is to meet your child's needs. Take all of this to prayer. Yes, it would have been best to have discussed this with your friend. However, we all know how sensitive we can be as moms about our own children.
The separation of your children and your friendship may produce fruit and help your friend to get her daughter on track so that she will be welcome in social circles.
This may be a hard lesson to learn. As human beings we all are in need of improvement in certain areas. None of us are perfect and sometimes change needs to be forced so that we can redirect ourselves and our lives to more effectively serve the kingdom of God.

God Bless.

Don't feel bad, you must always do what is in the best interest of your child. I don't see that there is anyway to continue the friendship without the children, so you should just try to move on and not to worry about it. Knowing that you did what was best for your child should help you feel better about it. But, you will never be able to separate your child from all others like this one, so you should still help her to figure out how to deal with them. Maybe then she won't have to deal with one that is so close to her again.