My Friend Hurt My Feelings About My Son's Head

The thing is, you are the mother and you have checked things out with the pediatrician so if you are no longer worried just say "Thank you" and understand that almost all people think they know how to raise your child better than you do - especially if they are friends.

That being said, I would also like to say this - you are the mother and even though you checked it out with the pediatrician once doesn't mean that something hasn't changed. I will use my son as an example. My son started saying something that sounded like words at about 8 months or so. Then something that sounded like sentences and then paragraphs. The thing was, it never sounded like English and we are an English only household. OK - maybe one word, or two. He never said Mama or kitty cat and when my friends' kids who were all about the same age were asking for "More cheese, please" or telling their moms what they did in junior preschool I was being urged by the pediatrician to wait and see. My friends, on the other hand were telling me to try sign language or Child Find or Omega 3 or...or...or. You get the idea.

The thing is - we are our children's advocates, so when he was 2.5 I started going to the pediatrician and saying "That's it - not waiting anymore. Where do I start?" and we now have my son in speech therapy and going through the Child Find process. Good thing too, he's over 3 and still not speaking but his receptive vocabulary is fantastic and he has begun to communicate with us - although mostly non-verbally.

So, with both pieces of my story here is what I would say - yes, your friend was out of line, but she may not have been wrong. That is up for you to decide. You are the mother, but the pediatrician is not infallible and only sees your child for about 15-20 minutes once every few months to a year. You are the only one who sees your child every day and don't forget they change almost every day. If you are concerned again, take your son back to the doctor - but do it because you are concerned not just because your friend told you to be concerned.

Good luck!

I understand you being upset, but I think she was probably only saying it out of concern for what she is going through and because she is your friend. At least I would give her that benefit of the doubt. You should have told her that you have already consulted your pediatrician regarding it and he/she said he was fine.

I think you should take the high ground and model good behavior for your friend. If she brings it up again, just say, I appreciate your concern, but we are comfortable following our pediatrician's advice. If she persists, you might need to say, I'd rather not discuss this again with you. But unless she brings it up again, let it go. I agree it was slightly rude to be so persistent. But considering her experience, she's probably oversensitive to the problem.

Aww... she was just trying to help. It doesn't really sound like she said anything mean or hurtful, especially not on purpose. Try to see it from her perspective; she has been through a lot with premature twins, one of which needs a helmet now... flat spots are probably an emotion-laden and slightly passionate subject for her, and one that she knows a lot about.

I think you did the right thing by not saying anything snappy to her; she was probably just genuinely concerned for your baby, or curious; not necessarily being critical of you and your parenting. I can be very sensitive when it comes to my son and my parenting style, but it has always been to my benefit to not say exactly what I wanted when I felt slighted in any way; most people don't realize they have hurt your feelings, and really are just trying to help.

It sounds like she had an extreme case and is reflecting on her own experiences, which is understandable on some level but she also needs to understand that not all cases turn out that way and probably won't. I would remind her if she says anything again that it is completely normal at that age to get a flat spot, it's from putting them on their backs all the time. I would take a little flatness then risk SIDS! If the pediatrician was worried s/he'd let you know. After the baby starts rolling over it'll probably even itself out!

K.,
I think you are lucky to have a friend who cares about you and your baby.
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I have an 11yr who from 18months to 2&1/2yrs had chronic ear infections. His ped said he was fine. Well, his ped was wrong and now after nearly 9yrs of hard work, my son is almost at grade level. My son was properly diagnosed when we moved and were assigned another ped. When a friend of mine had the misfortune of her son being assigned to the ped, she was told the same thing about her son. I pushed her hard to see a specialist and her son ended up having a similar problem. Only he was treated much earlier and had no long term problems.
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I'm not an expert but it frightened and saddened me that her son would end up in the same situation as my son.
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Perhaps your reaction of hurt is because you are not certain that your son's ped is correct. Find out what questions your friend would ask her twins' ped. Are they important questions to you and if so, do you have the answers?
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Love your friend and let go of your hurt feelings. Soon, all too soon, the babies will grow up and move to another stage.
Good luck.
K.

Hello K., Everybody is entitled to thier own opinion...What is bothering you? What she said, or what you believe? I wouldnt take her or what she says personal. If you believe the Dr. is wrong, and she is right, get a second opinion...Good luck ChelleH.

Sometimes when a Mom has a certain situation happening with her kids, she thinks she's some kind of expert and will try to offer her advice even when it's not wanted. I wouldn't worry about it unless she keeps it up. If she brings it up again, tell her your pediatrician says she's wrong and the next time she wants to offer an un-asked for medical opinion about someone else s child she should whip out her medical degree and license to practice medicine before she opens her mouth. If you want to be nicer about it, you could say "I already told you our doctor says he's fine. You should have a checkup yourself if you are forgetting things.". Maybe it's just me, but I have a hard time being nice to someone who thinks they know more about my child than I do.

In my opinion you need to develop a thicker skin. Parents give each other advice because they care and they want others to learn from thier experience. Sometimes the advice is helpful and sometimes it is not. Every child is different and it could, but probably wont, turn out that your friend is right. If you can't take advice(and ignore it when neccessary), getting together with parents of children the same age just isn't going to be possible for you because thats what mommy's usually talk about.

Your friends DR probably also told her at 2-3 months that she needed to wait and see if her childs head rounded out on its own before getting a helmet. So it is reasonable that she would think you should still be concerned too. What your ped told you is most likely correct. 90% of the time this is completely normal and does fix itself on its own. Sometimes a helmet is neccessary and your PED won't truely know until the 6 month checkup and wouldn't want to worry you until there is actually a problem since there isn't much you can do but wait.

It is obvious to me that BOTH of you are still very much concerned about this issue as regards your own respective children. However, I too would have found it off-putting to be "reminded" of the issue at a social get- together after having specifically discussed the fact that your pediatrician had evaluated your son's head as nothing to be concerned about. Such behavior is rarely for helpful purposes nor is done with true 'forgetting'...I am afraid I would have responded, "WHat? do you mean this small area here? Oh, we are lucky, there is nothing for us to be concerned about. I guess you forgot I just told you my pediatrician evaluated Johnny's head just the other day and keeps a close watch on things with me. I am so thankful he will not need a helmet; I am sure that is extremely difficult for you and your babies and I certainly can sympathize." THE END! But you'd better grow some thicker skin overall, because the early toddler and school ages among parents of other children is an era best known as an X-treme sport, and you will be amazed at what sorts of things you will need to dodge, manipulate, avoid or confront!! Good luck.

I honestly think she was genuinely offerign her interest and concern, and I don't think you have reason to be upset. Many of us have "expertise" with certain issues. For me it ranges from my daughter having had glasses since she was two all to my mom having had colon cancer. I know a lot on these issues, and very well informed, and I feel passionately bad when I think other people might not be informed (leading to bad consequences). Maybe she didn't handle it right, and for that you can be irritated, but I am sure she believes you are a good mom. Frankly, she probably values your friendship and is concerned over your child ENOUGH to say something. She might not have bothered with a stranger.

the truth is you wre concerned. shes only saying she would be because shes learned that it can be a concern. tell her you were and that you got it checked by your docter. there are obviouly different facters that determine weither a flat spot is bad or not. she was probably just concerned. we seem to take offense at others concen because it makes us feel inadiquit or that they think we arent a good enough parent. if she really meant harm which i dont think she did then let it go.

Sounds like you may be a little worried about it deep down and your feelings were hurt because of it. Have you thought about bringing your son to a chiropractor to have him adjusted. All 3 of my boys have needed to be adjusted after being born because going down the birth canal is much work for them. Also for the flatness do you have a good sling or other baby carrier where your baby wouldn't be spending so much time in a sling/carseat/bouncyseat and causing some flatness.

It saddens me that there are so many flat headed babies or even just babies with bald spots from not being held. I feel so much closer to my babies by wearing them (and not in a bjorn/snuggling those are just uncomfortable).

I wish you luck and hope I've offered you An out of the box side to this issue

I wouldn't worry about it - people say things without thinking, so she probably didn't mean it as bad as it sounded. She probably just wanted to make sure you had checked with your doctor because of what she went through. Instead of not saying anything, I would just say, "I had initial concerns, but after speaking with my pediatrician, he alleviated some of my initial fears, etc." Try not to hold it against her - you did what was necessary and checked with the ped., so if you feel comfortable with the way you are handling it, then it doesn't matter what advice she gives. She was probably trying to be helpful and doesn't even realize how rude it came across. If you have let time pass and still can't get past it, try mentioning the subject again and just let her know that you have checked with the ped., etc...I wouldn't tell her what not to say or that you were offended, but just that you took care of it and that should be that. Good luck!

my dr told me my sons head was fine and he was wrong. my son ended up getting a helmet and had to wear it longer then he would have had too because of the delay in my taking action due to my dr. it does not hurt to get it checked out. your friend is just concerned for your son. if you wait to long to correct it is too late as the skull stops growing at a fast rate.

I would have told her that the ped said he was just fine. It was inappropriate for her to say something like that in a social situation, but I'm thinking she meant no harm. You may want to talk to her about it. Maybe that would help. Just approach the subject on tip toe, so to speak. Just because she chose an inappropriate place to say something, doesn't mean you have to.

Hi K.,
I think your friend having gone through these concerns with her children, she was just concern about yours. Sometimes when you are aware of things that you think maybe others wouldn't be, you feel it is your duty to say something. If you said thanks for your concern, I had my child already checked out by the Dr. and they said he was fine. You see a lot of kids with stray eyes and wonder why the parents are not taking action to correct it. My husband says something to the parent every time because he feels maybe they are not aware that they can fix it before it gets worse. So don't take it personally, I am sure she has your child best interest at heart.

It sounds like she was showing concern for your child and since she is going through it she wanted to let you know that it could be an issue. It does not sound like she was being rude or mean. I think the fact that you already had it looked at showed that you were concerned about it and maybe instead of being mad at her you should have told her that you already had it looked at and your ped said it was fine and not to worry.

I wouldn't worry about it, and I wouldn't be too upset with your friend. She's just projecting a bit of her own anxieties onto you, and I doubt she meant any harm. You've checked with your doctor, everything's okay, and if she brings it up again just tell her this and let it drop.

Hi K.,
I would be upset about someone saying this to me too and it sounds like something my MIL would say, but it's really you wanting to protect your child from harsh words. You should have said something, but not too harsh like "well I've taken him to the ped and he says he's fine so I'm going to worry about it when he does." That's what I've said to my MIL when she makes her comments that make me angry.

It also sounds like your friend is either being a concerned friend or that she may be overly sensitive to what she's going through with her own child. I'd let it go and make sure she knows you've got everything under control.

Hi there,

Unless she is vindictive, or similar in the way she talked to you about your son, I wouldn't get hurt over it. You should have said that you already talked to your ped and it's fine.
I think that she was being a real friend and letting you know that she was concerned, she has no idea that you talked to the dr already. Maybe she feels that she has some experience in this area with her son's head, and trying to help you to avoid any complication for your son. I wouldn't be hurt, just thankful that you have a friend that cares, and would let you know a concern.
There are ppl that have friends that wouldn't say anything, when they should. I hope you inderstand where I am coming from.
I wouldn't let her know that she hurt your feelings, I would just let it go. Again, unless she had some sort of condescending way of saying it. The only thing she should have done differently is addressed the situation personally, instead of casually in front of the others.
Good luck and God bless!

Hi K.,
I am the mom of two little boys and both of them had to be checked to see if they needed a helmet. I wanted to start off first by saying that when people/friends say things about your own child, everyone gets offensive, it is a normal reaction. Maybe your friend could have done it differently or maybe if she had, you still would have gotten your feelings hurt, because it is your child she is talking about. So I understand your point of view.
I was a first time mom when my son's pediatrician mentioned I may want to go see a pediatric bone doctor for his head because she thought it was a bit flat in the back. I was hurt - even by a doctor telling me this! I wondered why I hadn't seen it first and was there something wrong with him? I did get an appointment with a well-known pediatric bone doctor in this county and she said I shouldn't worry about it, and she had never even heard of the helmet and it will round out on it's own. I started to really examine him and seen it for myself. I wasn't impressed with her answer so at that time I had switched to a different pediatrician and he recommended I go to a place in Annandale, VA called Cranial Technologies - they will give you a FREE consultation. So I made the appointment and they did measurements, pictures..etc. and said he was definitly a candidate for the helmet. My husband and I asked about prices and it was around $4,000.00, some insurances will pay for it, others consider it "cosmetic" and will not pay for it. Time is everything when talking about this helmet!! They went ahead and submitted it to my insurance while my husband and I debated on what to do. I also wrote a letter to my insurance company and sent in some photographs with it to help get it approved - and it worked, they approved it! I want to also say, right after going to Cranial Technologies we made an appointment at Children's Hospital to see a specialist there and we seen one of the actual makers of the helmet. I must also say while sitting in the waiting room I seen really bad cases of plagiocephaly (one type of flat-headedness - there are other names depending on where the child's flatness is)!! I felt very fortunate!! He told us our son was not a bad case and he thought it may round out, it was up to us on what to do and the only person who would notice would be if one day when he got older he needed glasses. Noone would have really noticed unless it was pointed out so don't think it is really noticable in all cases!!
You do need to consider that every doctor has their own opinion BUT because this helmet has it's benefits if done early, it has to be done as soon as possible you don't have time to waste on getting it checked out or getting a second opinion. I could have went with the first bone pediatric doctor who kind of laughed at the whole helmet idea, but I wanted to seek out every single option for my child.
To make a long story short, we got the helmet, insurance ended up paying for it, and I am SOOOOOOO happy we made that decision! I do not believe it would have rounded out on it's own. We found out he also had a condition where his neck was kind of stuck to one side and that is what was making his head flat because he was always leaning to one side! I actually went back and looked at pictures of him as an infant and in every picture his head is slightly tilted to one side - something we never seen!! The helmet we got, along with therapy for his neck fixed all of it. Early intervention is key for this!
Do not be offended by your friend, I really think she is looking out for you!! I see so many young children in the store who need (or needed) a helmet and I wish I could go up to them and tell them!!! You have to seek out all of your options and make a choice as a mother what you think is best. Go to www.cranialtech.com to look at their website, you can check out photos of other children and compare them to your own child as well. Dont' forget they have a free consultation, there number is ###-###-####. My youngest son ended up not needing the helmet! If you google "plagioceohaly" you will see research, newspaper stories..etc. that are very beneficial and will also help in your decision. I found out that it does tend to run in the family, they see lot's of siblings, it can also be caused by the infant not having enough room in the womb during pregnancy, and I also found out it can cause children to have SOME delays in learning. I have not had any learning problems in either of my children but it is very interesting to research this subject! Good luck with your decision, I hope I helped!!

Hi K.! I'm not saying this to upset you - but as an objective person who doesn't know anyone involved, I'm guessing you have a little insecurity about the issue. Your friend obviously does too. I think that's perfectly normal. I'm sure she meant no harm, she's probably so focused on the issue b/c she is going through it right now. I hope you did say that you've talked to the pediatrician - that would have been a perfectly fine reaction. Anyway, it's hard not to be sensitive about the *possibility* that something is less than perfect with one of your children. Hope it all works out :)