My Father Is Having Another Child

I am a 32 year old mother of a 4 month old baby girl. Talk about family issues. My real father abandoned me when I was a year old. He was an alcoholic. My mom divorced him and then remarried when I was 4. My step dad is an alcoholic/ workaholic who abused me and was not there for me either. My mom wasnt any help because she abused me also. My mom no longer speaks to me and my stepdad is always too busy. They live in California by the way and they sleep in seperate bedrooms. Anyways, So I feel abandoned by both my parents and my real father died when he was only 52, and my step mother always hated me. I didnt even get to know them. We just talked on the phone a few times which was really awkward but I guess better than nothing right? Ya my stepmom was wasted every time I talked to her and she would say really evil things to me. I feel depressed, anxious and afraid a lot of the time and all I can say is that unfortunately we can't change our family members so we have to find a way to make ourselves happy and accept things the way they are. It's definately not fair but their is not much else we can do. I really hope this helps. Now that we have our own familys we can try to break the cycle. Take care and good luck!

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N.,
I am so sorry that you are feeling this way! One of the first things that I had to learn is that life isn't fair!
It is hard! and I recommend that you get some counsiling. I did and it was the best thing. Especially when you want to be the best mom and wife you can be. The one thing that you can do is raise your family with your husband and take what you want and do not want into your next family.
Your dad isn't perfect. What parent is.

Focus on your family and getting some professional help where you can get some tools to add in your tool box to handle all of the lessons that your journey of life will offer you :)

You are not alone and are blessed with a husband and 2 children!

I am here for you,
T.
www.tesabartell.myarbonne.com

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Why must it be you to make all efforts to be a part of his life? It's not for you to do that but his. He's the one who left his children and seems to not put your feelings into consideration or establish a better relationship. You should focus your time and energy on your life now with your husband and your little ones. Hopefully it's not effecting your life with them especially if you are having panic attacks. You can't choose your parents but you can however, choose your spouse and make a better life for yourself and your little ones. Put that in perspective and start living your life as it is and enjoy what you do have. You have the love of your husband and two tiny individuals who love you more than anything in this world!! Be good to yourself N.. It's harder than we think I know, but in the long run-boy are you going to be happier you did. Remember, it's not you who created the family fallout but two adults and it should be them who work harder at making it better-even if you're an adult now.
This is sadly very common nowadays that people become desensitized to it and just view divorce as an everyday thing. Yet so many kids are so affected by this and it carries into adulthood.
Have you ever read or heard of Dr. Laura Schlessinger? She makes a lot of sense of all this and has lots of great points on issues related to this.
Good luck to you.

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There is so much here going on so I have to comment on a small thing: Your father did not really want his wife to get pregnant after all the trama in their own marriage. He (or they) are doing what a lot of crazy people do by getting pregnant to try to work it out. He is trying to do the right thing, he's got nothing left to give to you or your brother (since he thinks you turned out ok already), so he needs your support as well. It sucks that you will be the rock, but that is a role that will be FOREVER. Over the next several years as you age and get involved with your own life and children...you will look back at this and laugh at the whole fiasco...and say "thank god I turned out ok!".

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What I have to offer you is short and sweet...it's a quote that I've used to help my daughter deal with the disappointments she has experienced when she felt her dad wasn't there for her in the way she needed him to be.
"When your father of this world lets you down, let your father in heaven lift you up." You can't change your father or his choices or behaviors. You can only change how you respond to the situation. Take a deep breath, focus on what is working well in your family relationships, and if your dad comes around, then add a prayer of gratitude for that. If not, then leave this burden on your Heavenly Father's shoulders to bear and let it go. It's time to get on with the business of being the best parent you can be and not focusing on what a disappointment your own parent (your dad) is. Let him go, let him know the door will be open for him if he wants to come back into your life and your children's lives, and let him make his own choice as to whether or not he wants to enjoy a relationship with you and your family. This takes tons of patience, respect for his choices (even if they aren't in alignment with yours), forgiveness for the times he doesn't live up to your expectations, and most of all love. Love him enough to let him go. Turn your energy toward your husband and children and work on building strong relationships with them. Best of luck and God Bless you and your family.

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Hi N.,

I do not envy the position you are in. It is very difficult to accept a new step parent, even harder if that step parent is so close in age to you. When my Dad was looking for wife #5 he was searching the internet and was looking at these girls from all over the world. There was this one he was talking to from one of the European countries who was tall, blond and big chested and about ten years younger than me. I told him that I thought it was disgusting and that if he married someone younger than me I would never speak to him again. That was about two years ago, and while he did not marry younger than me, I realize that what I said was extremely selfish and childish. Even if I do not agree with the lifestyle it was wrong of me to try and make him choose between me and his future happiness. He is remarried to a woman around his age, and I realize that he is not as happy as he should be. His maturity level is not even on the same playing field. A much younger woman, I realize would be more compatable with his immiturity as they would also be closer to that level of maturity. While you are entitled to feel however you want, and you have a right to feel abandoned and neglected, you have a choice to make. This choice is yours and yours alone and it has everything to do with what direction you want your life to go. I had stopped speaking to my father for five years after his third wife had been cruel and hurtful to me while my Dad just stood there and did not defend me. My father was absent from my wedding even because I was too angry still to have him there. I realized that my anger and resentment were only hurting me and in turn my family. I do have my Dad in my life but it is on a very limited basis, I can only handle him in small doses. So no you are not wrong in the way you feel, and only you can decide what to do with it. Pray and ask God to take the pain from your heart and help you decide what to do. Have you talked to your Dad about your feelings?

Good Luck and God Bless
D.

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Dear N.,

It sounds to me like you are mixing up the feelings and the finances. You father has a new family and new responsibilities right now, and it is his choice that you have to respect. You are a grown up girl with your own family, and he does not have to buy a new car for you. He does have to buy a car for his new wife, period. To be honest with you, my parents are in a nice relationship, are not divorced and love me, but they never bought me a car or anything more expensive than a thousand dollars, and neither did I buy anything that expensive for them. You should try to build a relationship with his new family: have an outings together, invite their kids to your kid's birthdays. And if they do not respond, just let them go with their lives. The relationship only thrives if the both parties with to have that relationship.

Jen.

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I believe that if you are feeling this way that your feelings are valid. Your father's actions have not shown you the respect you deserve not only as his child, but also as a person in general. That being said he is a grown man and makes decisions just as you do. I am sure it has been very frustrating going through his rollercoaster of a life with him when he is acting more like the child than the father. My best friend was estranged from her mother for over 18 years because she could not reconcile all the things she had done to her and her brother, but the truth was she loved her mom despite all the idiotic choices she made. We don't pick our parents, so I think my best advice is to cherish the family you have created with your husband and realize that your father never really grew up. He was in the military organization for many years and it seems to me that that was a stabilizing influence in him and helped him make good choices and once it was gone he had a really hard time readjusting to making good decisions on his own (some people do). The way you write about it it seems that you love and value your father you just don't agree with the choices he has made and it hurts you that he did not make the choice to make you and your brother and your mother important. All of the things you feel are appropriate for the situation, but sometimes we have to let things go and realize that the father you want to have is not the one you have. I truly do not think you will have your dad in your life the way you want to have him, the way most dads should be, but maybe you can set the tone for how and what part he plays in your life. My best friend had to make this choice and she was the one that controlled the situation. This made it easier for her to emotionally deal with all the things that were wrong with the relationship with her mother. It is always hard to be let down by the person that was supposed to be your protector and guide throughout your life. I guess as parents we have to figure out that we can be better and do better than those before us. Be happy as you sit and watch your young children learn and grow and realize that you can't change your dad or make his choices for him. I know that this does not erase any of the heartache you feel, but maybe it will help you come to terms with the situation and maybe you will see your dad grow and become the kind of dad you wished you had while you make the life for your children as you wished it had been for you.

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Sounds like you need to devote all of your time and energy to fortifying the family you do have. Your husband and children need you to have your focus on them, not on a man who's behavior is such a bad example to your children. Let him go. He doesn't know what he is missing. I know that it hurts when our fathers are less than what we hoped, but you have an opportunity to remove your children from influences that will distort their ideas of who they need to be as an adult, do so.

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Hi N. - I agree with most of the advice you have been given - you have a full life right now with two little ones to raise and that should be your focus!! You definately have every right to feel the way you do and like you said, how do you figure out where to go from here?? Here is what I would advise...what I use in my life (we have had to do this with my husbands dad and his current wife #5 - they have very minimal role in my daughters lives)...

While I do believe in family loyalty and helping out where you can, there is a difference between helping out and being taken advantage of. I understand that your deepest desire is to have a healthy relationship with your father, but it doesn't sound like your father wants that with you - only when the situation benefits him (like you helping him for 2 months). Unfortunatly, it takes two to make a healthy relationship so if he doesn't see that your relationship is unhealthy or understand how you feel, there may not be a way to fix it. I think that you may need to grieve this(cry, scream, vent - whatever it takes) and let go of what may never be and accept what is. After that, I would set strict boundaries with your dad on how you will allow him to be involved in your life and your kids life. I know that Grandparents can be wonderful but as parents we have to guard our kids from the people who can hurt them - the last thing you want is your kids feeling the same way you do, like their grandpa doesn't care about them. It would be better for them not to have grandparents than to try to understand why - and kids will ALWAYS figure out how to put the blame on themselves.

My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best!

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I feel really bad for you and can't imagine how you feel but from another perspective I will share with you that my mother's parents broke up and basically left her with her grandmother, they were each horrible to her in their own way over the years and neither was there for her, they each grew up a bit and later, had other families of their own, and learned a lot I think from their original mistakes.. however.. they were both wonderful wonderful grandparents to me.. my mother somehow was able to set aside how they treated her and move on and carry on an adult relationship with them for years.. she still felt bad for what she missed but I'll tell ya it made her the worlds best mom! soooooo yes she had a ton of pain, things were awful and hard for her basically her whole life but she was able to set it aside, have a wonderful family of her own and allow me to have great grandparents, etc. never really understanding how cruddy they had been to her originally, I guess what I am saying is move on, be the adult in the relationship and be happy for him hope and pray he will be different and assume he wants to be, just forge a different more adult relationship with him trying your best to leave the past behind.. it will be best for you, for him and most certainly for your kids and his kids that hopefully can all be one big happy family :))

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Off the top of my head I would say perhaps it would be best to try and be positive and open to this new situation. This child will be a half-sibling of yours and if you involve yourself in that child's life and perhaps even babysit or whatever it may bring you closer to your father if you learn to love this child. I don't want it to sound like I'm telling you to earn your father's love, but that this new life may pose an opportunity for you and your father to be closer. I know that personally, when people love my kids I can't help but love them. If you are upset about his new child it will definitely distance you both which will leave you with further feelings of abandonment. Personally I would not share your distress over what to him is probably something joyful. If you are open and supportive I can't help but imagine it might bring you closer. Negativity always begets negativity. Best of luck!

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Honey, you can't make someone be there who doesn't want to be there. As painful as it is, you should pick up, move on, and focus on what family you do have. And I wholeheartedly agree with the woman who made the quote about letting your heavenly father lift you up. Sometimes, God brings people in your life that will help fill that void your dad left. Get solid counsel from someone be it a professional or spiritual to help you work through the hurt and anger. I can identify with some of what you are saying from circumstances in my own life. Hang in there and make sure you update everyone on your progress.

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Just prey and trust God....

Do you have a great husband and wonderful kids? Do you have friends? Other than this ordeal with your dad, are you happy? I would spend all my energy on the things that are blessings and stop trying to get more out of your dad than he is willing to give. Call him from time to time to say hi, but don't expect anything else. Just expect to have conversations from time to time, nothing else. Then there is no disappointment when he doesn't give you more. Hopefully his children will not suffer like you did. Hopefully he has learned from his mistakes and will do right by these kids. Be happy for them if they get to have a dad. In the meantime, your children and your husband need you to stop stressing about what you don't have and need to see a mom and wife who is so fulfilled that she doesn't need anthing else. Enjoy your blessings and let go of what you didn't get. It's in the past and should stay there. Don't let it stop you from enjoying your blessings. Teach your children how to handle disappointments by dwelling on the blessings. I'm sure you have many. Glad you get to be a stay at home mom! Enjoy! The years go by way too fast...

You have every right to feel what you're feeling. I hear some abandonment issues between you and your father in your story and I think it is very common. So many fathers don't "step up to the plate". Maybe in some way he's trying to make up for that in his "second chance".

That's still not fair to you. When I'm so upset with my parents that I have panick attacks (you're not alone), I try to write them a letter (especially my dad, why is it so hard for a daughter to talk to her dad?) Sometimes I send the letter and sometimes I don't, but just getting the thoughts all down (and out of me) seems to help. If you do send the letter, try not to have any major expectations on thier response...I did and it made me upset all over again because his response was less than appropriate. Now, I've learned that my father is emotionally immature (gee, do I still sound angry?).

I have no advise, but I can sympathize. We seem to expect our parents to "act like adults", but as we become parents ourselves, we realize that they have issues like anyone else. I, too am going through quite a lot with both of my parents and I miss them as parents now that I see them as regular people with issues and problems.

Let's make a pack to "hang in there" together. Honestly, I've withdrawn from my family (for now) and asked my husband to take up thier slack a little (to support me, help out,etc). He's responded well (with time) and we've become closer than ever. Perhaps that was the reason for going through this?!
B.

N.,
You write with such deep-felt pain.
I can relate. I have recently come to terms with how my responses to my father's emotional absence and inability to see me has kept me stuck.

You will never have the Dad you wanted in your life. You are no longer a small child, and he never was and never will be that Dad. The healthiest way is to look deeply at the beliefs you made in yourself about who you are. Most of these beliefs you created at a very young age. Such as: "If only I try harder then my Dad will love me." And, "I'm not worthy of existing since my Dad does not (want to) see me." And, "I feel horribly guilty when I think my Dad is a jerk and not nice." And, "I can't bear to see him giving attention to someone else, because that means there is something deeply wrong with me since he did not give it to me, (or) because that means I will never receive love in my life." And, "If I stay young and dependent, then he might someday love me the way I think I want him to."

All these deeply young beliefs and completely normal responses to your family life when you were growing up are keeping you from seeing the truths about your father. And not examining them will keep you stuck. YOU have the choices now. You have learned a lot in the world. You are an adult. Even if you're triggered into feeling a little kid again. Your adult side is the only source that can successfully help the hurt, young side of you. Your adult side can see, listen to, comfort, love and (gasp!) parent the hurt young part. And let the young part know it will not be left.

This may sound woowoo and hokey, but it worked for me. I got into my mature "adult" self and thought what my young self needed to hear. Then I spoke it out loud. Hard to keep in my adult self and not get overwhelmed with my young feelings, but in the end, so worth it, since it's one of the few times my young self has feet truly heard and loved. And it helped me understand more that it's my reaction to my father's actions that has caused me so much pain. And it's his pain that caused his actions.

Your time to leave your father (and grow from wounded girl) is now, for your children. Don't worry about his happiness--it has nothing to do with you. Put your attention on your own happiness, which has everything to do with you. The sooner you can, the sooner your children can learn healthy emotional responses. If not, they may repeat, to your anguish, some of the same responses as yours. Especially if you are so emotionally entangled with your daughter-pain that you are not available to them.

I wish you well. If you are not working with someone (counselor), now is a great time to start. Even if it's reading from the library.

I think you need to talk witha proffessional to get your lif straight. you cant beat yourself for what yoru father does or doesnt do. you have a family of your own and they should be the most improtant thing now. he's a big boy and has made his bed and needs to lie in it. you need to stop pushing yourself on him. if he is done with you then so be it. you obviously arent done with him and maybe part of yor recovery may be to let him know how you feel whter or not he thinks you are selfish. he is the one missing out not your children. your children should not be observing the kind of behaviour he and his wife are showing. you should only want loving and kind people around your children and it seems like your father and his family are pretty unstable. get some counsleing. you can only fix yourself. your father has to do it on his own anduntil he sees that he has a problem, you willnever be able to change things. he has to do it.