My Father-in-law Favors My Son over My Daughter, Pls Help!!

Hi Belen,
You already have quite a few suggestions here. I am hoping to share something a bit different however. When I was growing up, my sisters and I were in the same position as your son and daughter. My father's parents favored me and openly put down my twin sisters who were younger. My grandparents would visit from Oregon once a year and wreak havoc on our lives. I recall the tension in our house each time they visited yet no one would tell them they could not visit. I recall my parents hating their visits so it was not like my father wanted them there and my mother did not. Anyhow, I see my grandmother (the only one of the two who is surviving) doing the same thing to her great-grandchildren - my niece and nephew. If I may offer a word of advice...protect your children. Protect BOTH of them. Yes, your son is receiving preferential treatment but he needs the same attention from you as does your daughter. My parents, in an effort to balance out the treatment I was receiving from my grandparents, began favoring my sisters. I grew up feeling extremely slighted by my parents. This created HUGE issues between us that I am still delving into to try to heal.

But you asked how you can release it - not for advice. There are many ways you can work on releasing it. It sounds like you are taking responsibility for YOUR feelings regarding his treatment of your family. You know he is who he is and you may never affect him. That is key. You could write a letter. I suggest writing one with EVERYTHING - every feeling and thought - in it and burning it when you are done.

Another thing to do is to look closely at the judgments that you may be holding towards your FIL and maybe even your husband. Also look at any judgment you have toward yourself - for holding those other judgments, for not doing something, for not standing up to your FIL, etc. These are just suggestions and things I might have judgments about. I am in no way accusing you of anything or supposing anything!

I have done extensive work along these lines with amazing personal results. I am so grateful to the people who shared these ideas with me that I would feel remiss if I did not pass them on!

I wish you the best and hold your family in my thoughts!

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I did not read the other responses, I just wanted to say that my prayers are with you, your daughter and the entire family. I also wanted to add that my father favors all the other grand kids BUT mine ( I have one girl and two boys) for some reason my father finds my kids to be a bother and he never has anything nice ot say about any of them. I have learned to just remind myself that it is no longer a loss for me or my kids, but for my father. I have three of the most wonderful little blessing a mommy could ever ask for and thier grandpa is missing out on all the good stuff. So try to tell yourself that it is HIS loss and that he will someday regret it. Love your daughter so much that she never feels the loss of the grandpas love!! And as the kids grow and she will become aware of the favorites he does play ty to limit the amount of time that your kids are with the grandfather soa s not to have your daughters feeling get hurt. Its a tricky situation to be in, but you and the kids will all survive - again it is his loss and not your or your daughters...

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There is a great book called How to Hug A Porcupine, Dealing with Toxic and Difficult to Love Personalities by Dr. John Lewis Lund that is fantastic.

This book goes in depth of what to do. VERY FREEING!!! VERY VALIDATING!!! Favoritism is gone over in it. Also The Anatomy of Peace by The Arbinger Institute is invaluable.

These books help the readers move from the place of feeling oppressed by other people's obnoxious, dyfunctional personalities to feeling like they are dancing across the clouds in their relationships which is a much better, healthier mind frame to be in!

In the meantime, no pun intended, know that some of the old fashioned ways are shut down and counter productive, while other aspects of the old fashioned ways were very good and still are. Your own family can be pioneers in estabishing new family traditions of validation, mutual respect, and honor of all. This kind of mission can be very exciting for your children, especially if together you make a list of the pre-existing family traditions that are healthy and good that you want to keep.

There may be no way of knowing what kind of painful, emotional baggage and ugly beliefs people carry around inside themselves. Maybe grandpa has a bit too many inside of him. People who carry around oppressive boulders inside them such as females needing to be discounted and set at naught generally have more than their share of yucky baggage inside. I hope you will pray for him and bouy yourself up with some good books. Bless you and I hope your daughter recovers!

If you get these books and get their principles working well within your family, then your children will have better alternatives than just counter-rejecting people they do not get along with. The better skills will bless them over the long run. I hope you will consider getting these books.

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Hi Belen:
I'm sorry to hear of your daughters accident, and I hope that she has a quick recovery.In response to your request,I must be honest with you.Its not unusual for Grandparents or parents to have A favorite. Realizing you feel a special bond,can make you feel somewhat guilty.However, if you are a mature adult, who knows how to be tactful,understanding, and compassionate,there is no shame in experiencing these feelings. There should be plenty of love to spread around.In response to your request. You should release your hurt or angry feelings to a counselor,or on paper.Right now, your four year old daughter,most likely feels her Grandfather loves her equally. If you accidently allow her to hear your complaints,of his favortism,this could hurt her,and then , you would have only yourself to blame.Your father in-law is a grown man,and nothing you say is going to alter his personality or the way he thinks about life.You can pray about it, and ask god to touch his heart.I read many of your responses,and I never saw one,that allowed for an explaination as to why he didn't show up at the hospital.There are many people,that can't tolerate hospitals,emergencies,or what to say,when a friend loses a relative.It tends to make one think that these individuals don't care,when in actuality,they just don't know what to say,or how to help.Your father in-law may have even been experiencing alot of guilt feelings,because he hasn't been as close as he knew he should be,and he feared losing her,before he got the chance. I'm simply saying, that he wouldn't be the first as a no show at the hospital,for someone dear.I wish you and your darlin daughter the very best,and a speedy recovery.

If you think you can't tell him off in a way that doesn't end the relantionship then write to him this way you can think before you speak start the letter off by saying I want you to know I have not rushed into writing this letter, I have thought and choosen my words, in which I mean every word I write. although some people can handle hospitals some can't, my hubby faints at the sight of blood. One thing you should not point fingers at him, accusing him, make sure you address this as this is how we feel or I feel, he might not feel this way but you do. Saves alot arguments. I think its ok when a grand parent bonds a little more with a certain grand kid, but not in a way that the other grand kids feel less loved.
My mom did this with my son her first grand baby, but never made my daughter feel any less loved.

Good luck ,

What a horrible thing for your daughter and you all to have to go through. I hope all is well with her and she is or has recovered wonderfully. i will pray for you all.
as for your father in law...
I would write him a letter and put it all in there. It would help if your husband was a part of this letter and he signed his name also. It is so much easier to write things on paper, that way you can reread it and add to it and get it right so you don't leave anything out.
If it was my father in law i so would tell him that if he can't treat my kids like equals then he will not get to treat them at all. That he would not be permitted to see either one of them. But that is just me and i don't know your while situation.
If you write the letter he will read it and that way he can reread it if he wants and you don't have to sit there and fight with him to get your point across. If he wants to talk about it after he reads it then it is on him. If he disregards it then you and your husband need to talk about how you will handle this. Are you going to let him continue in this matter or not give him the chance to.
Good luck to all of you.
I really hope this all works out for the best. Some of my best childhood memories are with my grandparents. I would hate for anyone to miss out on that if they didn't have to.
God Bless
B.

How terrible. It is unbelievable that someone can blatantly display such misogynistic behavior toward your daughter. She's still a baby, what possible threat can she pose to him? The reason I say this, is because it seems to me some men (including your father-in-law) have some misled underlying feelings of superiority over women. As a result, they say things like 'carrying on the family name'.

Anyway, how does your husband respond to all this? Has he spoken to him? What was your father-in-law's response?

Even though your F-I-L may not ever change, it would be advised to tell him your observations. I say observations, versus feelings, because if it is approached in perhaps a more matter-of-fact way, he may realize his error with becoming defensive. Something like, 'Everyone noticed that you didn't come to see your granddaughter at the hospital. Why is that?'

I hope this helps. (By the way, my dad was the same way and things that I wanted to say, never got said).

I am so sorry to hear about your daughter! That must have been so scary for you! I'm sure it only made it worse to have your father-in-law react like that. I know someone who went through a similar situation with their mother-in-law. The husband finally had to talk to his mom about it being such a problem. That made things a little better, but it took the granddaughter coming up and showing affection repeatedly to make it sink in. This mother-in-law would bring gifts to the son and not the daughter, yet the girl still showed her affection. If you do talk to your father-in-law and things still don't get better, you may want to try threatening him a bit. Tell him that he can't spend time with your son unless he starts treating your daughter equally. If he loves your son that much, he might start to change so that he can continue to see him. Hopefully it would cause him to start having genuine affection for your daughter. Good luck with this!

Sometimes a Wife can influence a Husband, like others can't. What does his wife say about all this, or what does she do? Or, maybe she does not "count" either, being she is a "girl" too?

Well, at 4 years old, your daughter can at this age, certainly tell the difference in "favortism."

Kids can certainly tell when a grown up is "making up" excuses for other's behavior.... one day, your girl will need to know what "honesty" is... and what un-conditional love is etc. for which her Grandpa does not display.

Your daughter may turn out to be a very empathetic and understanding girl, who has to be mature for her age because of her Grandpa's behavior... this is either sad, or beneficial... it will teach her a "lesson" about life.

About your FIL.... his favortism toward the males in the family sounds pretty extreme? Is it normal? Does he only "favor" the grand-baby boys, or all boys and adult "men" too, or just the babies??? You need to ask yourself this. I mean, if he could NOT even get up the courage to see his Grand-daughter in the hospital...that I would say is VERY not-normal and way worse than rudeness.

It's sad that you, hubby and the whole family has "learned to deal with it to avoid problems..." But I know it's not easy either. BUT... this is not going to correct the FIL's problem...nor the damage he is doing to his family.

I don't know if something like this "can" be corrected...since he is that way and probably is allowed to be, and may not be able to "understand" his errant and biased ways. It will teach other children sexist and prejudiced attitudes that is made "okay" by Grandpa and the "silent permission" that others display for him, and that mis-treating "girls" & women is "okay."

I certainly hope... he can learn how to be loving. I don't have any answers...but will keep you in my thoughts. I don't blame your for feeling angry...I would be too. Since FIL is pretty dysfunctional and hurtful....I would stay away from him too... and Hubby certainly has to be supportive of HIS girl and family too....and the self-esteem of any young girl. Your children are the priority...and teaching them the values you value. Try to concentrate on your children...not what FIL is doing... yes, it's hard. But, having pent up anger is worse. Some people will never change. Knowing this, can perhaps allow you to go on with things, properly, within your own family. Teach your girl how to value herself, not what others think about her. Give her wings to soar with...

Later as any child gets older....they will indeed "see" that Grandpa is perhaps "not nice" in not loving his grand-daughters...and this will not be a good influence.

By the way, my own Dad did not have any boys...just me and my sister. He valued us and never displayed his "sadness" in not having boys. Now as a wife and Mom...I have still kept my Maiden name, in honor of my late Dad and to "carry on his family name." I am proud of that... and I also have my Husband's name too. In my Grandfather's generation & culture... the "male" often took their wife's last-name upon marriage- if there were no boys in the family...so that "she" could carry on the family name. My Grandfather did that... and I am proud of that fact in our family history. Although my Grandfather was a "macho man"...he still took his wife's last name as his upon marriage. I bet your FIL has no idea about other cultures and traditions...it is NOT only the "male" name that is valued in cultures.

All the best,
~Susan

Hi Belend,

I pray your daughter is doing well and progressing toward healing.

I know in order to let resentment go you have to forgive the indivdual wither they deserve it or not, you just have to forgive him and that true forgiveness releases you and allow you to go on and to see that he is losing out not your daughter. Protect both your son and daughter from feeling not love or a better treatment. Try to make sure your daughter does not hear you say anything bad about her grandfather or about the different treatment. When your daughter gets older and if the behavior has continued she will ask him about it and wouldn't you love to be a fly on the wall the hear his explaination. I will pray for family when thoughts of your situation come up.

That is awful. He should be ashamed. Sounds like he won't change...so just be prepared to validate your daughter's feelings when they come up and whenever possible, avoid him.

I'm sorry for him- he's missing out on a great relationship.

Your hubby needs to take this over and talk with his dad. He needs to stand up for his family and how his kids are being treated. You are too wrapped in emotions from everything you've been through. Chances are anything from you would be inefective but if it comes from his son, he's likely to listen more.
Have your husband lay it all on the table and explain the consequences should the favoratism continue. If it does continue, cut back on seeing him. When he's faced with not seeing his beloved grandson, he'll most likely change his attitude.
Did your FIL raise any daughters? Perhaps he just doesn't now how to relate to girls. As for the hospital, does he not handle tramautic events well? There could be more to why he didn't come. I know it's hard when you are hurt and angry but try to look for underlying reasons about this situation.
I hope your daughter is doing well now.

You have to talk to him! You have every right to do so because it is your children who will be untimately affect! The longer you let it go on the worse it will get. My husband has had conversations with my kids Grandpa when we have observed unfavorable behavior and the out come has mostly been positive as he was unaware that he was behaving that way.

I'm so sorry for the hurt and disappointment you must be feeling. I know how hard it can be to express such feelings with an in-law.

what does your husband think? does he agree with you? if so, is he willing to say something? and are you sure that the favoritism is for the reasons you've mentioned. does he have any girls of his own? does he have these feelings because of how he was raised? are you sure there is no chance that there is a misunderstanding of his feelings? i'm sure you'd feel bad if you jumped to an incorrect conclusion.

see if there's any way you can clear up any lines of communication before you act. once you are sure, let him know that you are hurt and that you've always pictured him to be a part of both of your children's lives no matter what gender they are.

if you are still left with a problem, raise your daughter to be above that. when she's old enough, explain to her all the things women of our past have gone through to get equal rights. teach her to be confident.

wow. That is truly a tough situation. For your own peace - put the problem where it belongs - on him. Your anger - resentment - etc only hurts you. Feel sad for him - for sad for what he is missing - and this is a much less destructive feeling. As for your daughter - also - make sure that she knows where it comes from - it's not her - it's him. Help her to understand that people view the world differently and we can't always understand or control the way tht they act.
Is this a cultural thing? My father was first generation Italian - and felt that my brothers education was much more important - that a girl was to get married and a boy to be educated. I use to carry so much anger - now I understand that his way of thinking was imbedded in his cultural upbringing and I wasn't going to change that. It didn't mean he didn't love me.
Just try to release it to where it belongs. Don't try to control it. There are great life lessons in this experience.

Hi Belen,
I went through the exact same situation when I was a child. My brother was favored from my grandpa because of the simple fact that he would carry on the family name. My mom also felt extremely angry and wrote him a letter expressing everything she was feeling towards the situation.

Because your daughter is young she probably doesnt realize it yet but one day she will be old enough and she will get it, it will probably hurt her feelings and leave her confused. That is exactly how I felt. If you are going to continue to have him around your daughter than when the time comes be prepared to explain to her that it has nothing to do with her, its something that grandpa has wrong with him.

Many years later I was the first grandchild to have a child, who took his fathers and then my last name. So oh how wrong those grandpas can be.

I don't think you'll ever get over it. My mother in law is very similar. She obviously favors my husband so from a previous relationship to all 3 of my kids. It is horrible when my daughter asks about her and why she never comes to visit but has her brother visit all the time. You need to try to resolve the issues for yourself a little bit. It's not right and you won't fully get over it, but you need to try to not show it to your daughter. It will be hard on her I'm sure, but seeing you upset and angry will only put those feelings onto her. If your father in law is anything like my mother in law he probably doesn't see what he is doing or believes he's doing nothing wrong. Try to ignore the ignorance and ust show your daughter how loved she is. Good luck

Hi Belen, First of all let me say, I pray your little girl is doing well. Grandparents have a tendecy to show favortisum for one grand child over another, I have 3 kids 2 son's and one daughter, and my second child (my son ) was my mothers favorite, he knew it and my other kids knew it as well. I told them it was becasue he is the middle child and being the middle child is hard, and you know they were not bother by it. Maybe your father in law didn't come tothe hospital for reasons other thsn what you think, I would find out why he was not there before you display anger towards him. If your daughter wonders one day, have her ask her grandpa, it may be the very thing that touches his heart, and causes a change in him. J.

Just recently picked up a book, "How to Forgive When You Don't Feel Like It." Goes over a lot of what you're feeling and how to deal. Hope this helps!