My Father

Easy!!!K., Return the coat, exchange it and buy something for the whole family.

It's your dad's money to spend as he sees fit. As long as he's not spending money he can't afford, you shouldn't try to tell him how to spend it.

As for the cost of the gifts, so what? I have always endeavored to give everyone on my list gifts that I think they will like. The things some peope like cost more than others. I don't worry about trying to spend the same amount on everyone.
My mom always makes sure she spends exactly the same amount on me and my sister, and on my daughter and my sister's kids. It often results in one kid getting a pile of gifts and the others getting a combination of gifts and the balance in cash if she couldn't make it come out equal any other way. Talk about awkward.

YOU ONLY HAVE ONE DAD!!!!! Let him spoil you a little. You and your husband KNOW that if you choose, you can be extravigant AND your Dad knows too. There may be years when he won't do it and just a few when he will. Some day he won't be there to do it.
For me, it was a gorgeous cashmere sweater with a mink collar. At the time, we had nothing -- husband in school, me working & pregnant. I still have the sweater 40+ yrs later along with the special gifts my husband gave me through years -- some very expensive and some very inexpensive. All are precious.

Dad also bought me one of the first polaroid cameras ever made and a really high fangled toaster that he saw at a buffet. He knew just how I would use them. Since Dad was not proned to spoiling me, I accepted the gifts as his way of saying that he approved of what I was doing and how I was living at that time. It didn't mean that he disliked, disrespected or wanted to be more magnanimous than my spouse. He just wanted to remember that old feeling of being my Dad. Once, on a business trip, he brought me a Dallas Original blouse, Mom something lovely, and brought my 4 siblings the latest airport trinket. The siblingss didn't fuss at all. I was in high school at the time & I knew it was Dad's way of recognizing that I was growing up. I wore it to shreads! Other times he did this for one of the others. We all normally understood the meaning of that special gift. It was okay.

Tell Hubby that he will understand when it's his teenage or grown daughter and he sees something that makes him think of her delight when the unexpected gift arrives.

As to equality among gifts, my parents always bought the same gift for sons & son-in-laws and daughters & daughter-in-laws. Since my sister-in-law's family didn't do the same(as most don't), SHE really was gifted a lot.

An $80 sweater is a wonderful gift. Much better than the nightgown from Sears my sister always got from her parents-in-law while her husband and daughters always got boxes of new clothes and the latest new gadget. Jane was always "put out" but I always reminded her that they were saving her scads of money on things she would not have to buy him and the girls. They all laugh about it now and the girls do remember feeling like princesses in the outfits. Since they were raised correctly at home by understanding parents, they are not spoiled or demanding of their parents or husbands today. They became wonderful, productive, members of the world, have good husbands, and are now great moms themselves. AND YES!!! Jane spoils the Grands like crazy!!!!

I recently had Grandchild #9 & Great Grand child #1 -- both girls. As I held them that first time, I said "Hello my darling. I'm your Grannie Annie. I'm the Grandma who buys JEWELRY! The Dad's laughed harder than the Mom's.

We are blessed that my business takes my husband & me to at least a few exotic places each year. I always save an afternoon or day to shop for children, Grands, & friends. Since I usually ship the loot home direct from the stores, the office staff thinks its Christmas even before I return. Many of the packages are saved for Christmas, birthdays, special events. These are not spoiling gifts, these are things that we wouldn't ever see except for my travels. The son-in-laws learned to undersstand, the daughter-in-laws get a kick out of it (& a few "special" treats too) and the Grands learn stories of worlds they now want to explore when they grow up. I always include lots of books and cultural toys that often go to school for show & tell. IT still ADDS UP to a lot of stuff that others might consider extravigant and of the spoiling nature. Staying grounded in the family, in their faith, in loving & in being loved will keep "that wolf" from the door.

As for your Dad, Some day you may be the one wanting to buy things for him. A special dessert to tempt him to eat, a special sausage you remember him bringing home years ago, a dish your Mom fixed, or even a very expensive coat that reminded you of how he loves beautiful, quality clothing.

Enjoy the love you are so blessed to be surrounded by. Tell Hubby to "cool it". One day Dad will surprise you all by coming in with something very special for HIM TOO (Dad just hasn't figured out what that is yet BUT he will)!

Your husband needs to grow up.

Remember that it is a gift from your father. While you nor your husband may understand, you may very well hurt your father by saying something. Remember, you are, & always will be, his little girl & he only wants the best for you. If you do talk to him, tread lightly.

i can't believe you would even consider talking to your father about this. that was a generous gift and you should just say thanks. your husband got a gift and the price of it shouldn't matter, he should also just say thanks. people have enough to worry about when picking out gifts, now they have to spend the exact same amount on everyone? sounds like you both got nice things, no use trying to start some drama over it.

I wonder would your husband have been as hurt if your dad would have bought you each a $400 gift? Your dad has been your dad for several decades now, but he has only been your husband's dad for a few years. It doesn't matter how much money a person has - my husband's family will spend more money on them than they will on me, and they don't spend more than $200 TOTAL for Christmas presents. I also think your hubby was out of line mentioning how his family would or would not have done the same thing to make you feel bad about what your dad did do.

But either way, to answer your question, thank him for the coat, and suggest that in the FUTURE, if he wants to be so extravagant at Christmas, you would all really love a group gift, or money to go into the college fund. But don't mention this gift or the diamonds at all other than a thank you and what a nice thought it was.

You know, I really agree with most of the posts saying that it's your dad's money and he can spend it the way he wants. I mean, I probably would never buy a $700 jacket, but I would certainly WEAR one if someone gave it to me! Also, in my opinion, $80 is alot just for a sweater. I wouldn't spend that much on a sweater. And how do you guys know how much the things cost? Did dad tell everyone how much they gifts cost or did someone ask him? Because neither of those things should have happened, they both would be wrong.

Sorry to say but gifts are gifts. You can't tell people the gifts you want them to buy for you. I mean, it's kind of rude to say "I only want you to buy me gifts that cost under $20" or something. Because that's like assuming he will buy you more gifts and assuming that you're going to get gifts is wrong. He might not buy you anything next time. It's his choice. I say tell him thank you for the gifts and just go on...and the next nice gift you receive, do the same...hopefully your husband said thank you for his gift as well. You just can't dictate to someone what they should spend their money on.

If you father can afford it & he wants to give these gifts, I think you should just say thank you & let it go. I truly don't think he thought 'hmmm I'll buy K. this $700 jacket but I'll only spend $80 on my SIL because I like her better'. I think he saw 2 items he thought both of you would like and he bought it for you. At some point if you happen to be talking about your jacket or something say 'dad you know I love this jacket, but you shouldn't spend so much money on me, save it for yourself.' something to that affect.

I have never been offended by gifts my mil purchased for my husband...that's her son! and he's never been offended by what I've received! Maybe your husband is a little jealous or upset that he feels he can't do that for you himself, men can be that way. But when someone gives a gift, I think it's rude to tell them what gift to give you or how they should've done it better.

I think your father did well. He had one gift for each of you. It doesn't matter what the gifts cost. He had a gift for each of you for Christmas. It is the thought that counts. Don't ever forget, your father loves you more than life itself. He tolerates your husband because YOU love him. This fact will become very clear to you when your children start dating. My prediction: As your father starts to like your husband more there will be less of a price difference between the Christmas gifts. Tell your husband to focus on getting to know your father and building a good relationship with him. If your husband doesn't let petty things like how much your father spent on his gift get in the way there may come a day when your father loves your husband ALMOST as much as he loves you.

Let me tell you a funny story. The first year my mom and dad were married, my grandmother gave my dad a MIXER for Christmas. She gave my mom a present for herself and my dad got the mixer. It became the family joke--"What do you think it is dad, a MIXER?" "Don't shake it to hard dad, it might be a MIXER!" Grandma's reaction--"I thought he would like it. His new wife will make him lots of cookies and cakes with his new mixer!" <laughing> Tell your hubby to put his big boy panties on and deal with it. At least he didn't get a gift for YOU from his father-in-law. It could have been worse, he could have gotten a MIXER!

K.,

You have to remember that you are your father's little girl, and he will want to spoil YOU on occasion. Gift's are not about a price tag, so your husband shouldn't really be hurt. He did after all get a very nice sweater. I'm sure your daughter also receieved a nice gift from him. I' don't know your father, but I imagine he just saw the coat and thought it would be something you would like.

Without knowing the family dynamics and history, as well as family politics, I think it's hard to say what to do in this situation. ON one hand, it's your father's money and you are his daughter. I don't know if the gift value inequity is the result of purposeful slighting, or if it's completely coincidental, and all your father saw were two gifts he thought you both would like. Whatever it is, if it's bothering both of you, I would bring it up to your father and explain how it's affecting the way your husband feels, or the safer route, how it affects the way you feel.

My parents are always very equitable in their gift giving with me and my husband. My MIL spends more on her son and her daughter than on me, and I'm pretty okay with that - they're her kids (I just sort of selfishly wish that the $30 or so she spends on me would be on something I actually WANT, instead of really randomly weird things that SHE likes :)

I am not sure if your husband is hurt because your father spent more money on you than on him, or if he is hurt because your father spent so much money on an adult child rather than on your daughter or what...

However, it is your father's money, and to try to suggest to him what he should do with it, I believe, is out of line. You would not like it if he tried to control what you do, and I am sure that he would not like it to have you try to control him, either.

Accept his gifts graciously. He WANTS to do this. Perhaps he feels he is making up for something he didn't do when you were young, or maybe he is just realistic and knows he can't take his money with him when he goes, so he might as well spend it on something nice for his daughter.

Either way, be happy that you have a father who is not only alive, but cares enough about you to want to do something nice for you.

Your husband doesn't have to understand it or approve of it. It simply isn't his money and is not his place to try to stop your father or even ask you to talk to your father about it. Just because HIS parents would never do that doesn't mean it is wrong for YOUR father to do it. His parents are totally different people, and he shouldn't ever try to compare them to your father or the other way around. It just doesn't work.

Good luck to you, and please don't stress over this. You should only worry if you know your father cannot afford to do this for you. If he seems to suddenly be doing odd things out of character for him, or starts spending lavishly when you know he can't afford it...then, you should worry about it and ask him to see his doctor for a complete physical.

If someone gives me a gift I say thank you and move on. If I don't like or won't use it then I find another way to use it (return it, give it to someone else who might want it or use it). But just because someone spent too much or too little? If your father has the money to spend then what's the problem? My parents spend way more on their children then their in-laws and this has never been a problem. Same with my husband's family and I am not surprised or hurt by this at all.

do you know for sure that he spent 700 on it or is it possible that it was a 700 jacket that he got on sale? i am a bargan shopper, esp at christmas and i buy my nieces nice stuff but never spend what they cost. on average i spend 2-3 dollars on clothing items that are regularly $20

Maybe your father just wants to be able to give you nice things that you wouldn't buy for yourself. If so, you could talk to him about it, but remember that he may feel good being able to indulge in nice things for his daughter. If it makes you uncomfortable, it would be better to let him know gently. You could tell him that since it is obvious your happiness is important to him, it would please you more to have a gift you feel comfortable about receiving and give him some examples of gift ideas that would make you happy.

I agree w/ the rest of the ladies that say.. a gift is a gift and to let it go. As for cost, one should not dwell or even consider the cost, its the thought that counts.

My MIL has always treated me as her own two children, but I have to tell you that I feel funny when she says that she bought her daughter something and she needs to get me something of equal value. I tell her it is NOT necessary and that she should buy who and what she wants and not feel that she should try to equal things. She has MORE than showed me how she feels about me in many other ways and has NEVER treated me anything other than thoughtful and loving!

I think the one lady was correct in that he saw something you guys would enjoy and as he most likely is not a 'shopper' he was proud of the gifts he bought you guys. Also I dont believe in the the Dad should have spent the money on his grandchild. YOU were his child first and you will always be his little girl, but that doesnt mean he doesnt love or care for your husband or family.

I would think long and hard about the rest of the year and how your Dad treats you and your family and not dwell on the one day a year where it is the gift that counts.

Best of luck in your decision.

Has your dad always been generous with you, or is this something new? You are, after all, "daddy's little girl". Does he have a good relationship with your husband otherwise? You may just want to chalk it up to your dad wanting to keep on spoiling you the only way he knows how, and let him do it! If this is his way of showing his love, then leave it alone. If, however, this is his way of competing with your husband, then you may want to say something. I still wouldn't get too upset over it though, unless he is treating your husband badly in any way. Speaking as someone who was a daddy's girl, who has now lost my dad to cancer, he won't be around forever, enjoy him while you can!

It sounds like your father loves you very much and is a generous gift giver. You and your husband should appreciate the gift. Your husband might do this for your daughter when she is grown and it would hurt his feelings for her to say something rude in return to him. My mother is always giving me and my family members things that I would not go out and spend the money on because she knows I wouldn't spend that much. It is just one of the many ways she expresses her love for us. The cost of the gifts do not have to be equal .. enjoy them and be polite. Just tell him thank you and that you love him.

What is truely the issue here, the amt of the gift or the fact that the same amt was not spent for both you and your husband. Would he have been hurt if that had been the situation. I am sure just as your father does for you he has and will do the same for your daughter as she grows older. Why must his gift giving be a family thing, after all he did get your husband a gift as well. Usually it is not the amt of money a gift cost but the spirit in which it was given. Is their a problem between your dad and your husband?

Even if it was a $700 coat and an $80 sweater, how do you know that that's what he paid for it? I'd be honest with him about it,but tell him right off how much you appreciate it. He probably didn't think anything about how slighted your husband might have felt for getting a, um, measley $80 sweater.

K.,
I think that you should be very careful about how you approach this topic with your father. While you and your spouse are conservative with your money and your spending habits that is your choice. What does it hurt for YOUR father to give you his child a gift? That is his choice and his right as your father. If your father can afford these gifts and they are not going to hurt your father financially what does it hurt? I think that maybe your spouse is feeling as if your father is overstepping the boundries,of an agreement that the two of you share as a couple in a sense your spouse might feel that others are judging him, looking at him as if he is cheap and can't or won't give these types of gifts to you. (I know this all to well, because my husband and I are very conservative with our money as well, and my dear husband would never give me a 700 dollar coat.) He has had the name tight wad since we married 25 years ago. If your father ever asks, you could mention that you would prefer a family gift as opposed to a large gift for yourself. However if he does not ask, then you should not say a thing, these are gifts and we do not get to have a say about how or what type of gifts your parent should give to you and you have no right to tell your parent how they should spend their money. Remember you will be in this situation one day when your children are older, and how much would you apperciate them telling you and your spouse how to spend your money. Think long and hard, do not be foolish. I think your spouse needs to just know that this is one situation that he can't control, and he needs to move on to bigger and much more important things in life that the cost of his wife's gift from her father. Hope this wasn't to harsh, good luck and God Bless
M.

K.- I understand your discomfort but not your husbands... you are your father's daughter and it's just not equitable. Say thank you and move on. $700 is a lot but you are his daughter. Obviously your father gains pleasure from treating his daughter. Take it from someone who doesn't have a father anymore- enjoy it and know that it brings great pleasure to him. This is a non-issue in the big scheme of things. Save your energy for things that matter.

I was always taught at Christmas time that it is the thought that counts, and not the gift. You are your dads daughter, and it should not matter how much he spends it is His money and not yours or your husbands. He did buy a gift for your husband and that is all that matters. You did not say what he bought for his granddaughter.

To talk to your father would hurt his feelings and show how unapprecative you and your husband are of the gifts. Let sleeping dogs lie and never look a gift horse in the mouth.

Your dad loves you, and it seems that he is trying to show you just how much. My parents are the same way, maybe not so extravagant, but still giving me often "more" than my dh (even after 21 years of marriage). We just go with the flow and count it a blessing. Dh says that he is just thankful to know that my parents love me so much, and also thankful that *he* doesn't have to buy me the things they do. LOL Be thankful, be blessed, and tell your dh not to take it personally. Some sons-in-law get a $10 sweater...an $80 sweater is a big blessing!

I'm not sure why your husband has a problem with how your dad is spending his money. My FIL gets my husband much more than he gets me, but I consider that to be normal--my husband is his child, I am his son's wife. Besides, my FIL is set in his ways, and I look at all the good sides of his behavior and try to overlook all the other quirks he's got (for instance, getting the oldest child in each of his sons' families a gift + money, while all of the other kids just got money). My MIL (they're divorced) doesn't have near the money my FIL has, so gets us a small family gift, and that's normal too.

I guess I can understand where your husband is coming from, but I think he needs to change his perspective, because it's your father's money and he gets to spend it how he wishes. He wants to spoil you a bit--perhaps he's trying to make up for what he wanted to do when you were younger and couldn't because he didn't have the money. Probably he thought you'd love it, *because* you and your husband wouldn't buy it for yourself.

If it's really a big problem, then sometime in the future you can casually bring up that you're uncomfortable receiving such lavish gifts....but perhaps you should just graciously receive them as his way of showing love to you. It's probable that he will be hurt by your rejection of the gift (he will feel personally rejected), so I'd proceed with caution if I were you.

That is so hard, K.. Could there be an underlying reason your parents are doing this?

I only ask because this may not be too uncommon. I have a FIL and step-MIL, and they are much more generous with her children and grandchildren than with his son (my dh) and family. I sense that is a common occurrence in families.

It's something we have chosen to smile, nod, ignore, and not make an issue of, no matter how bothersome it is for us.

Could it be possible that they found the cashmere or diamonds at an incredible bargain, and they aren't trying to make a statement?

I'm not sure I would bring it up with Father. I might quietly sell the article if I was that offended.

K.,
Talk about it openly with your father. Make sure he understands that you CHOOSE not to spend this extravagantly at this time in your lives/marriage. Tell him you know he loves you and wants to see you treated like a princess, but at this time you would feel most special if he would choose to help you build the college-fund.
Remember that it is hard to share your princess with a new prince - and it can be very challengiing to buy for in-laws (especially if they have your princess)
Hope this helps,
LG

Your father probably knows that you wouldn't buy it for yourself that is why he did it. If I were you, I would just talk to him and tell him that you don't go anywhere to wear it that much or that you would rather him not spend his money on you that you would rather he spend it on your daughter (his grand daughter) Maybe you could get to the point in the conversation that he could take that money and put it in her savings account for her.
You have to put yourself in his shoes. YOU are his daughter and he wants to give you the world. I am sure that he doesn't mean to slight your husband but when he has money he wants to spend it on your. Sometimes it is hard for a parent to NOT spend it on their children when they have it. Maybe when he was younger and it was just you and not your husband or child, he did't have the money to spend it on you like that so now he is wanting to make up for it. He probably figures that your husband is a big guy and it wouldn't hurt his feelings and he would understand.
Let your dad know that you understand and you are SOooooo appreciative and that you love him dearly but please don't spend his money on you. Tell him to take a cruise with his wife or your mother or do something for himself... then maybe you can get into saying that you understand that he wants to spend his money on his daughter that you feel the same way so therefore you would rather him spend it on your daughter.
I think that your father will understand if you say it right and lovingly.

You asked for advice, so here it is: It is YOUR dad......your are his little girl. Enjoy it. If it isn't financially straining on him, then let him be. Maybe your dad knew that you wouldn't buy that for yourself, so he bought it for you. Some people don't get any gifts from their parents let alone in-laws. If it bothers YOU...then talk to your dad about it, but not just because it bothers your husband. There are more important things in life to worry about, more important things to get upset about. Is monetary value that important? I thought that "it is the thought that counts", not how much you spend.

A PARENT should be able to give their child whatever they want for christmas. Your husband is the one who needs to be talked to. He seems self centered. He should be proud that you got something nice. He seems thoughless. It seems he didn't want you to have the expensive give (such as give it to your daugher or the family). You should show your husband these responses.
I wouldn't hurt my father's feelings just because your husband's feeling are mis-placed. Maybe you should tell your father that your husband is jealous of your gifts. That's all it is JEALOUSY. He needs to grow UP.

I have to agree with most everyone else on this one. This is a 'gift'. It is given from the heart regardless of the cost. If your dad wants to give you something nice and expensive, then let him. Don't take away the blessing he gets from giving it to you.

They are called gifts for a reason. The person giving gets to make that choice. I could see you being concerned if it was two grandchildren getting such different gifts, but it's not. It's two ADULTS. Once we become adults, we have to understand that it's about the thought, not the amount.

I understand how you feel that the $700 would benefit your family, but it's not a loan.... again it's a gift. Enjoy it!

I think I would definitely say something to dear old dad. Point out that while you do appreciate the coat, $700 for a coat is just excessive and that you feel that it could have been applied toward your daughter's college or a vacation for the whole family or something like that. You might also mention that while it's the thought that counts and you appreciate that he got your husband a gift, the price difference makes your husband feel that he is not a "valued" member of the family. I agree with your hubby, my family would never have done such to an "in law" either. I am 1 or 4 kids and only my youngest brother is not married but he got engaged right before Thanksgiving and my parents bought presents for her this Christmas just like they did for the rest of the "kids". As far as they are concerned I am now 1 of 8, not one of 4 because they count the husbands and wives as their children as well.

I'm 58 yrs. old , and I think you should thank your father very much. I think your husband is being immature about this situation. You could thank your father very much for remembering you'll. Then maybe talk to him about giving you'll stock or investments for later on in years to come.....Louisiana

Were the price tags on these items? Who care what a gift costs. It's a gift! What is it hurting? If your dad is happy with giving expensive gifts...let him. To me it sounded as if someone got upset that the other person got a better gift...and it sounds kind of childish. Sorry, I don't mean to be rude but after reading your concern...this was my first thought. If the jacket and/or sweater is ugly or you'll never wear it...take it back and spend the money on whatever you want but don't talk to your dad about how much a gift costs or that you got the better gift. It's the thought that counts, right?

Enjoy it. You may be grown with your own children, but you are still his child. There is a huge difference between what your husband buys you and what your dad buys you. Be thankful to have such a thoughtful dad. Love your dad while you can, he won't be around forever.

Hi K. R,

Well sounds like your husband is a bit jealous of your Dad. Not to insult either of you, but its your Dad's money and he can spend it on who he wants and how much he wants to spend. It was a Christmas gift. Accept it gladly. What part hurt him? No your Dad should NOT have done it that way, making one gift higher than the other one. Your husband shouldn't feel hurt by it either. It is your Dad's right to spend more of HIS money on you and your daughter. Just ask your Dad to try not to spend so much on you guys for gifts. That it makes you both uncomfortable. On the part where you said your husband wanted it to be a gift to your daughter or to the family, its really not a decision for him to make. Your Dad should not be told to do that either. Your Dad is just showing you that he loves you. Please talk to your husband and try not to let bad blood develop between them. Also talk to your Dad. Wish you luck on this situation. Sorry if I upset you with this opinion. I see where both of them are coming from and I am not trying to just take your Dad's side. He does have some good points, but I also see it from a parents point of view. I would love to be able to buy my children SOME expensive gifts. Not a $700.00 coat though.. lol... Good Luck again!!!!!
J.

Hey K.! I'm going to have to respond in the same way many others did, BE HAPPY! That is awesome that your father loves you so much and wanted to give you an extravagant gift. Let him treat you and his grandchild if he wants and enjoy it! An $80 sweater is a nice gift too and your husband needs to remember that his gift could be a pair of socks or nothing. Have fun with your dad!

I dunno just as your husband feels such and extravagant gift should be delt to his child. As does you father feel these same gifts to you.
It is only normal for a parent to do more spend more and want more for their children. Hubby actually should just be thankful for the fact that you dad even thought enought to spend $80 on him. It's not the price of a present that makes it special it's the thought behind it. Dad possibly saw that jacket and saw his baby girl in it and wanted to get it for you. There is NO NEED to talk with dad at all. Perhaps hubby needs to evaluate where he stands on things.
Good Luck
Jan

I lost my father 2 years ago due to lung cancer.Your dad just bought you a gift.How could you possibly say something about it.Don't do anything you may regret when he is gone..trust me,you will be amazed at the things you think about after the death of a parent.No matter how stupid it may seem now.Just be glad he is able to buy things for his little girl.

Hi. I think everyone else has said what I am thinking, but here goes: I think your dad was really sweet and I would be happy to receive the sweater or the jacket. You may be conservative, but your dad wanted to buy you something you would never buy for yourself. That said, I don't understand your husband's feelings. I would be glad to get an $8 sweater, much less an $80 sweater. It's not about the money anyway. It's really about the fact that your dad bought something for each of with his money and his love. I wouldn't say one word to my dad except maybe to say thanks and ask him if I look great in my new jacket...