My Ex May Be Ruining My Chance for a Proposal with My Current B/f

Don't listen to anyone. Listen to your heart. I think you are a terrific person to let your ex stay at your home and also feel you will regret it if you kick him out. After that I am going to say. If the guy you are dating of four years has not proposed he probably has no intentions of marrying you. Your ex isn't the prolbem. He has the problem. My little brother is on his fourth wife. He goes and stays in Nebraska with his ex and their daughter. He is close friends with all of his ex's. He even takes the kids on weekends from his last ex that aren't even his kids to give her a break, even the baby she has with her new husband. My husband didn't hesitate to marry me knowing that my ex and I were still friends. Actually he was great as my ex found out he had cancer right after the divorce and my super great husband had me help his Mom out. I booked her a motel and picked her up at the airport and took her to the motel. I took her to the hospital to see my ex and back to the airport when she needed to go back. So if your boyfriend hasn't proposed and has a problem with you remaining friends with your ex then I say it's his loss not yours. Move on. Enjoy life. Pray about it. You will find your answers in your own heart. One more thing, you are crazy if you bring up the custody issue as others are telling you. It could come back and bite you in the butt. It's best to leave the custody alone for now. I know for a fact someone that tried to change the custody over simular circumstances and the child was placed in foster care until the court hearing. Do you really want to take that risk? Quit listening to everyone and do what's best for you.

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I think you are making too much drama in your life and too many people here are making Assumptions as did you! I see nothing wrong with helping out your ex as he has helped you in the past and you did say you get along just fine. Before making a move based on your "assumption" wouldn't it be better to talk to your boyfriend about this first? I would think you should be able to openly have a conversation with this person you want to spend the rest of your life with. It may be that he is comfortable with the way things are or as the saying goes, just not that into you. I don't know, have a talk with him.

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Wouldn't it make more sense for the ex to stay w/ a family member or other friend, and your son to stay w/ you? You mentioned he has primary residence, but in situations like his, the child always goes w/ the mother(unless found unfit in court) or a family member. So don't worry about the DCF. It's more about finding an appropriate living arrangement for everyone involved, including the bf if the relationship is really that worthy. You are showing the bf that no matter what happens, you are still there for the ex(not good) the bf obviously cares about you, he's been around 4yrs, but probably not going to take it to the next level if you can't let go of the ex. You are doing the right thing in keeping your friendship w/ him for the sake of your son, but there has to be logical boundaries, or the bf won't be able to really call you his, and make you his wife, if the ex can always show up and grab your attention(even as just a "friend")Your ex should be understanding that you have a bf and it would be more appropriate for him to stay at someone else's house and your son w/ you until he gets everything back in order. If the bf is not saying anything verbally, well he's a very nice guy, but ultimately his actions(or lack of..)are louder than words.If you want the bf to take you seriously, then you have to be upfront w/ the ex. You definitly have your heart in the right place, but you also have to look out for you! Good luck! and take care! ps, if you were ever thinking about getting primary residence, the time would be now while he is unable to care for him on his own..

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Just an idea... maybe put a limit on the time you will help your ex and inform your current man of the date you plan to end your good will ( and stick to it). Communication is key. If your current man adores you too, you'll be able to talk freely about your concerns with him. That should make it clear in his mind where your heart lies.

Hi, C.. OMG, don't listen to your friend because she acts like she is a mind-reader and knows exactly what's going on in your BF's mind.

Absolutely, this is not an ideal situation with the ex-, but absolutely, do not ruin communication with him! You have to keep things civil and as cooperative as possible for the sake of your child.

Now...you need him to get the heck off your couch, whether or not it's a problem for your BF. Don't even worry about the BF at this point -- worry about your child receiving confusing messages about your relationship with his father.

Personally, I would make it clear to the ex- that there's a time limit on his use of the couch as a bed. It's nice that he has such a good friend in you to help him survive, but he needs to get another job and get the heck out of your house.

Another thing: you should probably talk to the ex about the fact that you have a stable and safe home to give your child, and YOU should have primary custody of the child at this time. You need to make that change, I think, because if things go bad between you and the Dad, Dad actually has the right to take off with the child and live with him in whatever flop house he can take shelter in...and you would have to fight to get the child into your primary custody. In the meantime, the child would suffer from a bad environment and a lack of basic needs.

I don't think that a man who truly loves you would let anything stop him from asking you to marry him, if he's so inclined. He might not want to get married, period, even though he cares for you. So I think you have two separate issues; don't kick the ex out just because you're scared he's in the way of your BF getting closer. Your BF will have to deal with the fact that you have a baby-daddy forever, so if he's got a problem now, he's out of luck no matter where the daddy is staying. You need to get daddy out for your own sake and the sake of your child, because he has no right to expect you to support him -- especially when he's supposed to be the primary support of the child.

Anyway, that's my thinking on the subject. I hope everything turns out very, very well for all 4 of you, and that it stops being a complex issue (kids don't do well in that kind of complexity).

Peace,
Syl

Ask your boyfriend what his intentions are.
If you cannot ask him that you have no business marrying him anyway- just ask him. After 4 years maybe he is the one you need to get rid of- can't he figure out what he is doing after 4 yrs?
For heaven sake- ask him- then you will know.
k

Yep, I agree...talk to your boyfriend. I would just ask him where he feels you two are at in your relationship and where or if it is going anywhere. He may not want to get married and it will have nothing to do with you, your ex or your child.

If you conclude he does want more, then be open and honest to finding out how he feels about you and your ex's relationship.

LOVE what you are doing with your book...WOW that is an incredibly amazing and life changing thing you are doing!! KUDOS to you!!

i understand that you love your child and thats good but you have to consider your life also and ask yourself where do you fit in the picture.you have to have a life i would talk with the boyfriend and see what he has to say about the ex living in your place without a doubr that is the problem.at least part of it.you dont owe your ex anthing you have to have a life or you wont be happy.he needs to get his own place.period.put yourself in your boyfriends place reverse the situation and ask yourself how would you feel if he had his ex living with him.treat others as you would want to be treated.ok.im not trying to be harsh but you do need to wake up or you wont have a life.im not trying to be mean just trying to get you to get the point.you do deserve better.people will use you and dont let that happen ive been there.so just do what is right regardless.C. s

Hmmm Put yourself in your boyfriends place. If he had an ex wife who was always in the picture, how comfortable would you feel in the picture? If he prefered to take in the ex wife to keep his child from being homeless to just taking the child, what would you think of him and your relationship? I get it.

What I don't understand is why you aren't just taking custody of your son while your ex is getting his life together? You say your ex won't let you, but given the circumstances I don't understand why a court would not give you your son at this time. Hopefully I have not been offensive, just don't understand.

Communication is the key asset of keeping ANY relationship together. You should sit down with your current boyfriend and see what's going on in his mind and see how he feels about everything. (kids, ex, life) Make sure your on the same page.

ON your ex, he's s big boy and there is a reason he's your ex. It was great that he helped you out, and you've helped him out. You can maintain a good relationship for your sons sake. BUt you've already helped him out enough and he's intruding in your life now. Truthfully your son needs to see that his father can take care of himself, or not take care of himself. It will help instill good values.

I hope everything works out..

C.,

I think you are doing a fantastic job! Your child has got to be your first priority. Communication is the key to a great relationship. Make sure that you are opening the lines of communication with your boyfriend. Make sure that he feels like his feelings are important to you. If the issue with the ex is just electricity it might be worth whatever it costs for you to get his electricity turned back on so he can sleep in his own house. Good Luck.

You need to talk to your b/f first. Until you hear those words from his mouth, you are really getting ahead of yourself. If that is the case, why would you want to marry a man who would be willing to put your child at risk like that?

I realize that I don't understand the complete situation, but if you have been dating this man for 4 years then you both should know each other well enough to discuss the situation, if it bothers him he should have spoken up a long time ago. I think by now his intentions would be evident to you. Maybe he likes things the way they are, and is not interested in marriage. This could be the perfect time to sit down with him, explain things, and find out if he has deep feelings for you, and your son, or if he is just passing time with you. Things may not be as you think they are. Good luck!

You do what you feel is the right thing to do. Son first. You're going to have your ex in your life as long as you share a child, so if you can have a good relationship, go for it! Too often it becomes strained and it ends up negatively for all involved. Your boyfriend has been around for 4 years... he should know all this by now. You can hide things for a while, but after that long, he knows what situation he's in.
Your friend that told you the ex may be the reason he hasn't asked you to marry him is speculating. That's one possible reason, but there are a myriad of other possible reasons. If you want to know why, don't beat around the bush and just ask him. If you want to remarry in the future, put your cards on the table. Tell him what you're looking for long term and see if that's something he may want as well. You may have to find that he wants to be in your life, but only as a loving boyfriend and not a husband. The truth is, only he can answer those questions. So ask! :o) Good luck!

Even if your current boyfriend is not moving forward because of your EX, that is no reason to stop being a family for your son's sake. Your personal happiness in a new relationship comes dead last when it comes to your obligation to your son.

Your son will grow up to respect you a lot more for keeping his family (meaning you, him and his dad) intact to some degree, than for deciding getting remarried was more important. He will know you were a kind and generous person to his dad and that will matter so much more than your new relationship and desire to create a new family.

And...if DCF gets into the picture (even if it's purely due to your Ex husband's problems) there will be requirements for you to complete and maintain in order for you to keep your son. Once DCF enters into your son's life, they will be in every aspect of his life, your life and his dad's life. EVERY aspect. They will require things like back ground checks on your boyfriend, day care of their choosing, proof of your paystubs, etc. All things that you might not mind too much, but it becomes VERY invasive and doesn't go away in a short period of time (average case is open close to a year.) (My husband is a juvenile dependency attorney and I run his office since becoming a SAHM, so I am very familiar with DCF and this issue.)

You will be far better off in the long run to continue to work things out and be nice to his dad. If this boyfriend is a good person, he would not want to mess up a functional divorced family anyway.

Wow!!! I'm so proud of you for putting your son first!! So many of these questions come from moms who don't....I applaud you for maintaining a solid and positive relationship with your son's dad--that is absolutely the very best thing you could possibly do for him! You have really helped your son in ways you cannot even imagine, that will shape the man he will become.

If your boyfriend's decision has been affected by your situation: good--it should be! Many people just want to swoop in and "start over," without realizing/acknowledging there's already a complex situation with their significant other's first family. My opinion is that it's better for you to wait to remarry until your son is 18 anyway. All you can do is talk to your boyfriend honestly about it. If he's really not wanting to stay with the decisions you have to make in order to be a responsible mother who puts her child first, then that tells a lot about his character.

In my opinion, the best way to deal with this is to ask your current boyfriend if he has a problem with you ex staying over, etc. Talk to him about it and see if there is a problem. Whether or not this is obstructing a proposal can only be fixed with communication. If it has nothing to do with it, and you kick your ex out and make it more difficult for your son, and never get a proposal, where will you be then? Good luck.

My advise is to sit down and determine what is best for your son. Maybe even talk to your son, it sounds like he is old enough to express his feelings.

Based on what you and your son decide, prepare a plan, then let the ex and the bf know. If everyone focuses on your son and what's best for him, and realizes that that is your priority when you make decisions (whether that be letting the ex stay or not), then all the adults may have a better plan and know what is or is not expected of them. Your ex will know what limitations are placed on him and how far he can push you. Your bf will know how far you are willing to go for the ex and may have more definition and confidence in what your relationship is with the ex and with him.

Focus on what's best for your son, and everything will work out.

Hi C.,

I don't mean to burst your bubble but your ex's constant hanging out and sleeping on the couch can very well be the reason the b/f is scared to propose. How confident would you feel about your relationship and exclusiveness if your boyfriend had his ex sleeping over? I know I'd be very suspicious and stressed out, more so than if you were just separated and living in separate homes but still legally married. He is probably concerned that you 2 can rekindle your feelings, as it happens all the time. You see divorced people having flings or even remarrying, so he probably fears this. Not only that, but he may be worried that if you 2 were to marry, he'd have to deal with your ex sleeping over and having to support 4 people instead of 3. If you feel you can get custody of your son, by all means try. Go to a judge, explain your situation and show him/her that you're ready to be a stable mom. I think you're scared of telling your ex that the freeloading days are over as he may blackmail you with your son and not allow you to have him/be around him; he cannot do that and if you feel he is capable of it, you should immediately bring this up to the judge. Don't let him manipulate you into staying on the couch or losing out on your son. By the way, I believe the fact he no longer has a residence would be enough to get the judge to turn over the boy's primary custody/residence over to you, since you're not homeless. You deserve to be happy and find love with a new person; don't risk losing this great guy over a guy with which you don't plan to rebuild a future. Good luck.

Never, ever compromise your child or his welfare. Period. With that said, talk to your current boyfriend. Tell him that you need to know how he feels about the subject and if your ex's presence makes him uncomfortable. Make sure you ask ALL the questions you want answers to and never assume your friend is right, without giving the guy a chance to answer for himself. My husband HATES when I read something, or see something, or hear something and assume it is his opinion before bringing the issue directly to him. So I urge you to find the truth first and go from there. If he does want you to stop helping the ex so much, explain that you'll do as best as you can without sacrificing the welfare of your son. He should understand that, having been around for 4 years. Also, if your son was taken from your ex, he would come to you - unless you've been found unfit by the court. Something you may want to look into... I would and I would act quickly while he has no place to stay.

C.,
Hi, I am A.. I am a 37 year old Jersey transplant That is a real, tough one. I am ending my marriage as well slowly since my husband has become someone I did not marry, bi-polor and un-employed, so I m mothering them both right now with smoke and mirrors. Our son is 8 and I want to make things as normal and healthy as I can without crossing boundaries that will lead to more disappointment. I went through hell; dozens of serious operations and my beloved mom died days before my wedding. Seth stuck by me and I owe him to be as helpful as I can, but I have not met a new fella yet.
After four years, has the topic of marriage come up? Does he know that is what you want. There are plenty of small apartments for your husband to occupy while you and your man and kid try to see if living together would be good for all of you.
Custody is tricky. If you can show the courts that while your ex is a loving, good parents he is not stable enough to take care of a child full time. Petition for physical custody, even temporary. Ask your ex, as sweet as you can muster, to think what is best for your child. Explain you will never seperate them, but with school, the divorce and the new bond he is forming with your amore, there needs to be some space for the new three of you to feel it out. You can always ask how he feels about marriage and fatherhood. He may be someone to love and spend private time with, but you need to know where everyone stands. There must be a friend, neighbor or family that can rotate if needed your ex's living arrangements.
I too am a writer. i do everything from novel, screenplay, bio's, articles and poetry. etc. journals back to puberty-how Judy Blume of me. I'd love to hook up with some on-line groups of suggestion and also I think we can relate. We should hang out, have some tea and chat. I live in Avalon Park and miss NYC. I grew up in Jersey and we moved after my husband lost his computer job on the 77th floor of tower one. We are probably going back towards the end of the school year. For me to be a single mom, I need lots of help. My parents are dead but my in-laws, who are good people, both our sisters and others near and dear are there to help. Gotta say I am terrified. I have had medical issues since I was a kid so it gets hard to keep up, but whatever is best for my son, the love of my life, I will always try my hardest.
Good luck. You sound like a bright woman, capable. You will figure this out. Let me know if you want to share or I can help. My closest gal here has three special needs kids, including a four year old daughter with cancer so I cannot vent to her. Cannot say how to get there but I do see a happy ending to all this. Be strong, faithful and the best mom possible, you will know what to say and do to whom when the time comes.
Feel free to contact me, I look forward to it. My private is ____@____.com have much in common, lets help eachother.

Proposal or not, you've got to send the ex to fend for himself. He is the reason everything seems so complicated. You need to raise your child, the one you gave birth to. The other one is an adult who has to face the world. You divorced him, remember?

If he won't marry you, there must be many reasons. None of which are about you. If you have a child, yes your ex will be involved in your life...maybe a bit more in your case. Ask him if he's into marriage at all. Remember you want to be with someone who ADORES you no matter what. Don't settle.

C., do what feels right. Lend a hand to your sons father, if there were more caring divorced parents out there, all these children wouldn't be so F%@$*d up! Your main focus is your child, and letting him see that you two care enough for him to stay friends and involved will really make a difference in his life.
Tell your ex that he has a set time limit, say 3 months or so to find a place, tell him your concerns about your current Bf and why you need to set the limit. Tell him that you would give him the same respect if the situation was reversed.
Also tell your current Bf, of the situation and the set limit, and maybe talk about after that time, maybe he could move in with you :) ((That may get him to realize that HE is TRULY the man for you!))
Good luck C., I hope that it all goes well for you and your bf, your son, your ex.

Just be open with the ex and your current boyfriend. I wouldn't put any pressure on either them or yourself. Let things evolve into a great situation for everyone, especially your teenager. You're going to need the fortitude to get through puberty....

People only do what you let them...If your ex is really a friend as you are to him, he will respect your situation and stop darkening your door all the time. If he gives you a hard time, time to get real...Consult an attorney and pursue full custody. I hate to say it but those who are down and out all the time are just a thorn that you need to get rid of. It gets real old. DON'T FEEL GUILTY. I'm sure you've done way more for him than he has for you anyway, you just don't want to deal w/it. Ya want to be a good person, but you don't want to be a doormat. Your happiness and your son's is #1, and ya have to dissapoint a few people along the way to get it sometimes. Trust me!! You really can be a great person and one that stands her ground all at the same time...:) I used to be just like you so I know.