September 27, 2006,
T.R. asks from Columbia, SC on September 20, 2006
My Ex Husband Is Having a Child with His New girlfriend...any Advice?
Hi I am a single mother of 2 year old twins and a 7 year old. Been divorced about a year now and I have just discovered that my ex husband is already having another child with his new girlfriend (same women he cheated on me with). So as you probably would assume me and his girlfriend are not exactly friends, in the past I have been close to getting a restraining order on her because she would raise hell at my house while my children were inside. I have a lot of emotions going on right now, I am angry with him that he allowed this to happen when he can barely support and be there for the children we have, its hurts a little that she will be sharing the same bond I had with him by having a child with him, and just frustrated because now my kids will have a half brother/sister with a mother that I have had many issues with in the past. Until now I have been able to just decide not to deal with her at all but her being the mother of my children's half brother/sister is going to change things a bit. I have told their father that I am not going to keep my children from spending time with his new child and I want to be on good terms with his girlfriend but I don't know if its gonna happen, and if she continues to be disrepectful I am tempted to just not let my children be a part of their childs life. I need to add a very important point, my ex has in the past denied my twins to her ( and only her, he is very much a part of their lives but not in front of her) and so she has no relationship with my twins and favors my oldest daughter. He says that he told her now they are his but that she needs to time to get use to the fact that they are before she can build a relationship with them as well. But my thing is if you are going to do for my oldest and take her places and not do for the twins, its not fair. So I guess my question is, would it be wrong for me to keep all my kids away from their child (when its born) if she is not willing to accept the twins as his and love them the same as my oldest? And should I try to build a friendly relationship with her for the sake of our kids or just let things be and see what happens. I'm not the type to hold grudges, I forgive and move on but I'm not sure that she would want that so I don't want to waste my time...Oh and me and their father are on pretty good terms, I could honestly say that we are friends for the sake of the children.
So What Happened?™
Well its been about 5 months since my ex-husband's daughter was born and things have definitely made a big turn around. We had a paternity test done for the twins and he finally told his girlfriend the twins are his and at first she refused to accept them and even would not bring her baby around the twins. After about 2 -3 months of that my ex mother in law had a talk with her and told her to stop holding grudges and to accept it for the sake of the kids. She broke up with my ex but they are now back together and all 3 of my kids go over there at least once a week sometimes twice and have stayed the night a few times. To my knowledge she helps a lot taking care of them when they are there and the kids love their new baby sister! So for now things are great. Thanks for everyone's advice!
J.D. answers from Greensboro on September 20, 2006
honey, me and you would get along great, once again this is J. with the 4 year old twins and the almost 9 year old and i am also a single working mom in guilford college. My sons father married the girl he cheated on me with, so I had no choice but to let my son spend the weekends over there at first. She and I did not get along at all but I bit the bullet and did all in my power to befriend her and it worked, we are not best friends but we now have mutual respect. 2 years ago she had a baby with him and I helped her out a great deal even brought her and the baby home from the hospital, I helped her care for him the first couple of months because she had post partum, depression really bad. when He (Robby) was 3 months old he died of crib death. It completely crushed her and she changed towards me and my son, she even went as far as to tell my son she wished it had been him. I dont speak with her anymore than I have to now and I even had to give my son a cell phone just in case hes ever there with her alone, we are now in a bitter custody battle all because hi father is afraid that if hunter lives with me all the time he may have to pay child support. so they went behind my back and got emergency custody until october 2nd, my son comes to me every weekend, but its tearing my heart out so I had to bite the bullet again and befriend her so I could go to their house during the week to him. I am the best at turning enemies to friends, if you want to talk to me ever you can feel free email me at ____@____.com and ask for my number if not just remember to pray for her she obviously needs it. good luck hun.
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S. answers from Spartanburg on September 20, 2006
My mom and dad divorced when I was 3 and he remarried when I was 6 and they had my two half brothers, who I adore. so i have lived the kid side of what you are going through. the only difference is that my parents were civil to each other and my mom and stepmom showed respect toward the other person, so I never heard either of them talk bad about the other. You two need to come to an agreement that your lives are now linked because your children share a father, and you will have to coexist. I would not deny your children their father and that is what would happen if you kept them from seeing her and their new child. You need to draw the line, it is all or none when it comes to the kids, and she may have a different bond with your oldest, maybe she feels more comfortable with the older one, because there is less care involved and she can related a little better, I am not sure, but just play it by ear. Don't go on feelings because they will lie to you just by the nature of the situation, and if all else fails, ask them to go to family counseling with you. There are trained family counselors who deal with split families all the time and helping the parents and the kids to all get along and to coexist with each other and that might be a good thing to look into. I do wish you the best.
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D.W. answers from Jacksonville on September 21, 2006
My husband has 2 half siblings he's NEVER met and another one he doesn't get to see at all because of a situation sort of like this. He hates it and wished he could have gotten to know them. You should let your kids be a part of the new babies life and try to make nice with her, even if it is just for the children, they won't get mad at you when they're older and want to know why they never got to know their brother or sister.
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T.A. answers from South Bend on September 27, 2006
I know that it may seem like there is no way for you to avoid the new girlfriend, but if you can, DO. Just ask your ex to make sure that the new woman understands that your children have a mother, and it isn't neccessary for her to 'step in'. Also, regardless of whether or not you and he are civil, your children still need their father in their lives to be supportive of their relationship. Help them to understand that just because he is having another child, that doesn't displace his love for them. You be sure to try and include their new brother/sister in any 'special' activity they children have planned and encourage them to develope a relationship with the new child. It will be difficult if the new mom isn't willing to help, but it can be done.
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N.S. answers from Myrtle Beach on September 20, 2006
We can't choose our family, and obviously we can't choose our children's family, either.
I understand how this makes you feel. It is just like finding out that an ex has found someone new and is ready to move on. I suggest that you talk with the girlfriend and let her know that you are willing to forgive and forget and want to be on pleasant speaking terms with her. Remind her that all of the children are siblings and should have the right to know and spend time with each other. If she doesn't want to be grown up enough to deal with all of the children, then you need to talk with your ex and let him know what's goin on. It is not healthy for any of the children to be in a situation where two are being shunned and the other two are getting loved.
Good Luck in this trying time.
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J.P. answers from Wheeling on September 20, 2006
WELL YOU CANT EXACTLY DO ALL OF THE THINGS TO THIS WOMAN THAT IM SURE YOU WANT TO AND YOU CANT EXACTLY TELL HER WHAT YOU REALLY THINK OF HER EITHER. SO WHY NOT BE THE BETTER PERSON AND KILL HER WITH KINDNESS. IT IS NOT ONLY HER FAULT THAT YOUR EX CHEATED ON YOU WITH HER, IF SHE EVEN KNEW? AS HARD AS IT MAY BE FOR YOU TO DO, WHY NOT INVITE HER TO LUNCH SOMETIME ..JUST THE 2 OF YOU. REGARDLESS OF HOW YOU HAVE FELT ABOUT HER IN THE PAST, SHE IS NOW AND WILL ALWAYS BE A PART OF YOUR LIFE....YOU DONT WANT TO MISS OUT ON YOUR KIDS LIVES, THE LITTLE DETAILS...BY PUSHING THIS PERSON AWAY. BUT PLEASE MAKE IT CLEAR TO HER THAT SHE HAS TO ACCEPT YOUR CHILDREN AS HER CHILD'S HALF SIBLING. IT SOUNDS AS IF THIS WOMAN WILL EVENTUALLY NEED A FRIEND AND MAYBE IT COULD BE YOU. IT SEEMS THAT YOUR EX HAS AN ISSUE WITH GROWING UP AND THAT SHE MAY NOT BE THE LAST PLACE HE SETTLES DOWN FOR A BIT TO PLAY HOUSE. BE HAPPY THAT YOU ARENT WITH HIM BUT CAN STILL BE FRIENDS FOR THE KIDDOS. GOOD LUCK WITH EVERYTHING.
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D.P. answers from Indianapolis on September 20, 2006
No matter what your relationship is with her, it would be wrong to deny the children a relationship with their new sibling. My ex has a child with his wife. It does not bother me that he is a father again. I know that he moved on, I moved on. It would be selfish of me to expect him not to have other kids. Good luck!