Background: my ex, relationship of 10 years-never married but have twin 9 year old boys, has been dating a girl for 1.5 years. We have been split for 2 years. She has been coming around our sons for 4 months consistently, although they have seen her off & on during the 1.5 year. I finally met her a month ago. It didn't go well because I am still in love w my ex (he cheated on her w me Oct 2012-to which I thought they had broke-up). Yesterday she came to our sons first communion. I do not feel she should've been there. I suspect the only reason she did is because his mother is in town & she is trying to impress his mom. The twins says she ignores them when she is around. They don't do anything kid related when she is around and usually he asks me to take them during his visitation in favor of taking her out of town. I blew-up at him yesterday after the service. I was livid. He said, "she wanted to come and support them". To my knowledge this is new as she hasn't done anything to show support (other than coming to their football game to meet me which she was 30 mins late to). So my question: how do I come to terms w her/him? How do I find a way to let go & get along w them? My children do not like her (largely because she shows no interest in them). She is a mother of 3 grown children & will be a grandma soon (all 3 children are social failures & this is a big reason I don't want her around my twins; her kids do drugs, have been arrested, etc). Just looking for some advice to help a very emotional situation for me. I am the tiger type mother & take it very seriously.
Thank you for your input and your time!!!!
I feel I have to defend myself here. First, thank you all for your time and input.
My ex never cheated on me. We did not get married because of me. I chose to have a longer relationship to get to know each other because I got pregnant w our twins after two months of meeting him. I wanted time. We did talk marriage but I put it off. In the end & what ended our relationship is that I found out I was stage 4 ovarian cancer. I pushed him away because I saw how much it was eating him up watching me hurt going through my treatments. It was crushing him & I felt I needed to let him go before he watched me die. I am going to die from this. Its been a long couple years & there is nothing more they can do for me. All last year even while dating her, he was pseudo dating me because he couldn't let go of me either. When he cheated on her, I thought they had broke-up. I told her he cheated on her & he has felt guilty towards her since for hurting her. He is a really great guy whom I would've never left w out the cancer. I felt I was helping him let go of me when I realized I couldn't let go of him. He has found her to help him cope.
As far as my kids, I have always put their needs above my own. I have told them to talk to her & get to know her. I have never spoke ill of her because I myself do not know her. I know all about her kids because I am a forensic scientist & when the name came across my desk, I searched her & the kids for connection. Then u found out about her 7 arrest (none of which during their relationship). Part of my not liking her is because I know I will leave this world. I want my kids in good hands. I see how she failed to raise 3 children & I do not want that for my children. Ultimately I will have no choices, but while I'm here, I am fighting to make sure everything is ok for them.
My children do not like her for these reasons: they are 9, they still want mom & dad together, they are watching their mom die, once he asked if they wanted to go for ice cream & she didn't want to so he didn't take them, they do not do kid things like go to playlands, ice skating etc. like we did when we were together. He takes her & them out to dinner to Bennihanas, red lobster, Gordon Birsche but never kids places. They know he brings them to me or lets them have a friend spend the night so he can be w her w out distraction (this they have seen & no one had said).
Him & I are outstanding parents as a team. We are the only seperated couple I know of that still go to Dr appts together. I am not Catholic but I was there every week to watch them & help them get to their communion. I savor every moment & he took this one from me by having her there. He said he didn't want her to come but she was complaining about not being involved-she has come to one football game in 3 seasons & only did she come to this because his family was in town. She did not get them a gift as he supports everything they do. He makes 6 figures & she makes $35,000 a year. She pretty much has him because of financial gain. She does not have our children's interest in mind because if she did I would welcome that & be happy to leave my children in good hands when I am no longer able.
There, now you know more than I wanted you to but do not tell me I don't have anyone's but my interest at hand. The question was only: should she have come to the communion after only being involved in my sons lives for 4 months. Not if I was caring more about myself.
Have you ever heard the expression, "If you give someone enough rope, they will hang themselves."?
Show your acceptance, push the relationship to your ex and to the children, they will begin to expect more of her-her time, her participation, her help, her energy-everything. She, of course, will not be able to live up to this-and the relationship will fail. Super simple-good luck.
First you should look at why you are still in love with a man who not only never married you after ten years and two kids, but also cheated on you and left you for another woman.
Once you figure that out you can begin to let go of this relationship and move on. Then it won't matter so much WHO he is dating, that's his cross to bear.
And for what it's worth your kids are probably picking up on your pain and disapproval of this woman so try not to let that show. If they end up staying together the boys will have to get used to it, just like you.
Concentrate on yourself and your family instead of obsessing over what your ex and his girlfriend are doing and why they are doing it. You are the strongest influence in your children's lives. You need to be centered and happy. His new girlfriend isn't around to parent your children; she's around because she loves your ex.
You spent a day that should have been a celebration livid because of a woman who really doesn't matter at all. Please take a step back and reset your priorities because being upset is taking away from your energy.
Michele:
Welcome to mamapedia!
You are still in love with a cheating jerk? Really. Wake up. Let her have him. If you are a tiger mom - tell him to relinquish his parental rights. Tell him that she is NOT the influence you want her your children's lives and this is the measure you need to take in order to protect your children from her horrible influence. If he can't think with his big head - then he needs a wake up call.
Let the jerk go. He got what he wanted from you - free sex - without a commitment. You were with him for 10 years yet NEVER married him? Had kids with him. And you still love a cheater? I say GOOD RIDDANCE!!
If you honestly believe he will come back to you? I'm sorry. I would NOT want him back. And if she's fool enough to believe that he won't cheat on her? PAHLEASE!!!
Keep taking the kids....it means you have more influence over them and their activities. He MIGHT one day wake up to realize he's lost his kids because he was thinking with his little head - but it's NOT for you to tell him or them that. YOU need to be the role model. YOU need to set the example. YOU need to show your kids that you love them - that they are not the burden their father seems to believe they are since taking the girlfriend out of town in more important than his kids...
When you see her in public with him? OOHHH!!! Isn't that wonderful! What did you guys do this weekend? BE nice. BE polite. Don't stoop to her level. Start poking holes in her veneer - you can do it subtly - like asking what John's favorite food is...favorite subject in school....blah blah blah...when she stutters and fumbles about how little she really knows about his kids - then he MIGHT see the light. But if he doesn't? It's not your problem.
Like I said - if you are a tiger mom - and she's really bad. Tell him to relinquish parental rights so you can keep the bad influence away from your children.
Good luck!
It's really hard but look at the facts. I am not trying to be mean, just give you some reality.
He chose her, not you.
He picked her, he cheated on you, he's not coming back.
He is with her, they will be together, she might even be their stepmother.
She is "his" new family so she has every right to go places with him.
Perhaps they have reconnected after a while where they had time to think things through and are in a committed relationship now. If she has been arrested in the last 2 years while being around your kids for committing a crime then I think you could ask your attorney about limiting interactions with your kids. BUT I don't think a judge would actually enforce any restrictions your attorney requested during a court hearing.
It sounds like you need to find some new activities and interests. This will take your mind off these things and help you develop new relationships. The best way to get over someone from your past is getting your mind off of them. Not starting a new relationship but maybe dating again.
Finding some new hobbies or groups to participate in help you feel better about yourself and they take your time that you'd be sitting at home thinking about that other person.
I am sorry that you are having to deal with a terminal illness and a family conflict at the same time. I think it would be a good idea for you all to go to family counseling and then for you to see a counselor on a one on one basis. There are so many issues here and if you have terminal cancer, you want to make sure that your kids understand, that they will have a loving stable home in the future and that you find some peace of mind and enjoy some special times with your kids to help them build some memories while you are with them. It it too late to go back and undo some decisions but a counselor may help you deal with them. When a new relationship starts, it is always best for the dating parent not to introduce the kids too early. It is better to wait (perhaps that is why it appears that she has ignored your kids) until there is a serious relationship instead of exposing kids to a revolving door of dating partners.
sorry. sounds awful.
First I would try my best not to blow up (you look bad). I would come here (or somewhere like this site to vent).
Second, I would be happy to keep the kids while ex and gf had fun if it meant less time with this lady. Is there a way to have the dad visit with them without her? The kids are getting old enough to request this. I'm all about picking your battles, but I would not want my kids around drug users especially while I am not present. I went to a family Easter gathering and we have some questionable relatives (2nd cousins). I would not leave my kids alone with these people but will be nice and pleasant for the reunion. It sucks that you do not have the same rights.
Third, have your kids call her grandma...okay, just kidding. I wanted to make you laugh.
edit: after reading your SWH, I think you need to discuss this with the father and the grandparents. What do you have to loss? The grandparents might not see the whole picture. Are your parents close by because somebody other than their father may end up taking care of them.
side note: The restaurants are fine. Pick your battles, because saying they went to Benihanas will make you look cray. Being arrested 7 times is not normal. Is she an alcoholic (DUI's)?
I am so sorry to hear about your cancer. That is such a fear of mine. Having to leave my kids while they are so young and worrying about who will help watch them.
This worry will not help you get the rest that you need. Does she know of your health issues? If so, she might lay back and let you have more peace. If she knows and is still a -itch, then just try to fill your time with leaving memories for the kids: beach outtings, video recordings together...
Bless you.
Hurtful as this may sound, you don't get to choose. Because you pushed your children's father away, he has now moved on and you don't get to choose. He gets to choose who he wants to be in relationship with and you get to deal with the fall out. It doesn't matter what you think, he had every right to have her there at their first communion.
If you really love him, stop playing the games. Love is precious and live your last days in love. Love takes care of those whom you love whether they are sick or well. Yes it would be tough on him and tough on you and tough on the boys but you will have each other. I agree with others who encourage you to get counseling.
Your kids probably don't like her because you don't like her. Even if you never say anything, body language speaks volumes too.
I'm sorry you are going through the battle of a life time and I'm sorry you don't have the man you love by your side but you did this to yourself, so don't blame him for moving on in a direction that doesn't meet your approval. You should be honest with him and try to spend your last days in harmony and at peace because you don't get to choose his life for him.
Ultimately wish him well in what every choices he makes and be positive instead of negative because this is best for your kids.
Also understand, kids that fail may or may not be the input of the parents, we all must take responsibility for our own actions. Her kids are responsible for their lot in life and the choices they have made. Perhaps she is a very good mother with very bad kids. It does happen. You don't know because you have drawn a conclusion from the facts on hand.
Have you ever considered the very real possibility that your kids simply tell you they don't like her because they can tell you do not like her and you have made it clear (whether intentional or not) that you love their father and view her as in the way of you all being a family?
Let go of him, he clearly does not love you, he loves her, so stop holding that against her and talk her up to the kids rather then down since it sounds like she is and is going to remain a very real part of their lives. Rather then blow up when she supports them, praise her for it. Kids can use all the love they can get in this world. Start putting your kids feelings first rather then your wounded pride.
Sorry if that was blunt, but too often I feel adults put their own issues in front of their kids needs and comfort level.
I got as far as the cancer and you pushing him away in your SWH. I want to recommend counseling. You really, really need it.
I'm so sorry about the cancer. I hope that now you are cancer-free. If you are not, please get grief counseling as well.
That being said, you cannot make this man love you. You need counseling to come to terms with your loss. His being with someone else IS a loss, too. Until you come to terms with this, you will be miserable. Get help doing it.
After you have help, deal with the issue of the girlfriend. Perhaps you can have a mediator from the court work on the issue.
Above all, remember that you cannot control the fact that your ex is moving on in his life with another woman and you cannot prevent her from seeing the children. You may be able to get the court to prevent overnight stays when your children are present, but that's probably the extent of it.
Good luck.
You and your ex need to come to terms regarding your kids now. Have a heart to heart about what you both want and need. If you are both still in love, you should be there for each other. If your concern is the care of your children when you are gone, talk to your ex now and go from there. As for this woman, if she is going to be in your children's lives, maybe you should get to know her better.
Watch the movie "Step Mom" with Julia Roberts.
Just be civil. I can't stand my DH's ex for many, many valid reasons, but at joint events I don't quibble. She is their MOTHER and she can't be bothered 90% of the time. She will contribute NOTHING to her daughter's college education (including transporting her to/from the university), just like with her son, but will she be there at the graduation? Probably. Will it hurt me or her more to be angry about it? Me.
Remember, too, that you are seeing things through a 9 yr old's eyes. I don't always take my own DD to "kid places". She is 4 and can sit through a dinner at a restaurant with cloth napkins. Is he taking them to other places to expand their horizons?
And you say you still love him...In reading your SWH, is this more that you were kind of dating/more than parenting partners and now you're not because of her? So is this jealousy talking or a real problem?
You are also facing a terminal illness, and for that I am very sorry. But you need to think about the legacy you will leave your sons - someone who was the bigger person or someone who was bitter. I cannot imagine knowing I won't see my kids have kids. But I would not want to focus on the negative with the time I had left.
And to answer the question at the end: Was there really any reason she shouldn't be at something to support her BF's children? If she were ANY body else, a relative, a friend, a teacher...would you feel the same?
I am part of a blended family. I am a step mom to my husbands 3 kids, and my 2 boys have a step mom at their dads house. So, I can relate on both sides. I attend all of my step kids events and have since the beginning. They are my family now and they need to know that their life is important to me. In addition, my kids step mom has come to some of their events as well. Not as much because they live far enough away that it's difficult. I'm sure it was difficult for my husbands ex wife to deal with me being there in the beginning, just as it was hard for me to deal with my kids step mom being there too. But this is your life now, or should I say your kids life now. If your ex is serious about her, she should be coming to events like this. And as one person stated below, you really don't get to decide.
