My Daugter and Step Kids Bickering Is Making My Family Break Up.

Hello,

I also have a blended family. All girls, and the range is now 3, 15,15, 16. The three yr old is ours together. We went through similar things, and there will always be problems. The girls get along like true sisters now, but it was not always like this. I can't believe your wife would say that your daughter has a "black heart". This baffles me because she is already determined that anything negative is your daughter's fault. Get help, talk it over with your wife because she is the first one that needs to understand that your daughter is not the only one at fault. You are all your daughter has, and never let her down. If she is better off with you than her own mom, make sure she stays with you. You will always be your daughter's hero, so be there for her. I hope your wife has an open mind and a better understanding of what a family is.

Good luck!

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It seems to be me that your current wife is unwilling to bend and believe her own kids are not perfect. She is not willing to open her arms and accept your daughter and part of "HER" family.... If you child from a previous relationship can not be treated equally as her own - and if you can not do the same - because it is a two way street... then maybe you should try at least a temporary separation. But I totally agree with you that ALL children should be treated equally - and that YOU are the protector of your flesh and blood from attacks - she should come first in this situation.
I wish you the best in being able to work it out - but if you and your wife can not find a common ground for ALL kids - then it wont work out....

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E.- Wow!
It seems like your wife needs a wake-up call. But you and your daughter cannot be the ones who give it to her. Maybe some hidden cameras around the house? I know, extreme, but it would tell you olnce and for all who is at fault.

I hate to hear of a family breaking up over petty stuff. You and your wife need to have a good heart to heart. You need to agree on disciple for all the kids. Your daughter is outnumbered and that is just plain not fair. While your daughter may be the one getting blamed and in trouble, I am positive the other 3 children in the house are not innocent little angels. You may need to be in the therapists office in order to have a neutral 3rd party so the discussion doesn't turn into a fight.

Then you need to sit all the kids down at the same time (maybe in the therapists office as well) and lay down the new ground rules for behavior. Tattling should NOT be allowed. especially for kids that age. They are specifically doing things to get your daughter in trouble and that is unacceptable.

I do think the entire family needs to be in therapy. I think this is a serious, core issue that is not going to go away with the usual family dynamics. Blending families is hard and I think you guys need some professional help.

I wish you the best of luck!

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Wow. This is hard. You have a hard choice. I wouldn't want my daughter to go back to an alcoholic mom. But, I wouldn't want this new marriage to break up either. This doesn't make sense. You're having to make a tough decision. So, first I would say to try to legally not allow her the right to live with her mom since she's an alcoholic. Second, I would sit down and have a heart to heart with your daughter about how that would not be a good choice. Third, I wouldn't put your kids above your spouse. In doing so, your marriage is doomed to start with. This needs to be discussed between you and your wife. You have to provide a united front. If the kids know they can separate you to and get their way, they will do everything they can to try. Kids naturally want their way and they don't see future consequences. We adults aren't much better, but we do have experience with consequences. Siblings will also fight and not get along. You need to try to teach them to get along, even when they have been "wronged". That's a hard task, but it is necessary. If in the end, your daughter stomps off like a spoiled brat to punish you and go live with her mom, then after dealing with her truthfully, you have to let her go and learn the hard way. If you leave your wife over this, you are only teaching her bad values and encouraging her selfish behavior. But, your wife has to agree to do the same, or it won't work. You will have another broken marriage and will become lonely eventually. Your daughter is going to leave you eventually, whether you like it or not. Your previous divorce has only allowed it to happen much sooner than you would like. But, that's the consequence of divorce, unfortunately. You have to teach your daughter right from wrong, good values, and how to handle life. That's your job. But, your job is not to stop your life in order to make her happy or to keep her from making a bad decision. You would be stopping your life and you wouldn't be helping her out at all. You'd actually be hurting her. Talk with your wife. Then, talk to your daughter firmly, lovingly, and truthfully. Consider bringing in your life coach to help the daughters get along. But, in the end, don't expect it. I never got along with my sister. I actually hated her until I became an adult and got over some things. My parents were awesome parents, but couldn't help us. It was our problem, our fight, our decisions. My parents stayed together and are very happy with each other. I can't imagine them separating just to make the house more peaceful. Your daughter is learning so many things by being in that house with your blended family. Invaluable things that will form her character, and can make her strong, if she's taught how to deal with it, that she has to deal with it, that sometimes we don't get our way, sometimes we are lied about, sometimes we suffer wrongfully. That's life. The sooner we learn how to deal with those things, while under a loving roof with lots of support, the better. If not, she can become a very angry and bitter person who suffers from manic depression and cannot handle anything stressful in her life. Don't shelter your daughter. Teach her. Making your marriage work and showing all your daughters what a good and loving relationship is like, that that relationship is the most important physical relationship on earth, is the best lesson you can give your kids. Your marriage should come first. But, I do understand your fear of her returning to her mother. Do everything in your power to hinder it, but don't compromise your life or your relationship with your wife. ** also, temporary cameras around the house might give a good wake-up call and open the air to communication and united front between you and your wife **

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Do not leave over tween kids bickering!! Your marriage is worth more than that and I persoanally think your marriage comes first. You and your wife need to talk things through and get on the same page and be a united front! You both came into the marriage with these kids, so you need to be able to deal with sibling mess! I would suggest that first you and your wife become a united front and get on the same page about the kids if you can,t go to counseling. Then I would suggest the kids go to counseling and then maybe you all go together. Marriage should not be based on tweens bickering....(Hat will chance like the wind! Hang in there and get some outside help! You are also right in that your daughter does not need to be around an alcholic but does need to be in a safe enviroment.

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I do not think you should leave. That will create more problems. Kids should not think that their inability to get a long will manipulate or change the parent's behavior.

Your family needs counseling. Everyone. There are inexpensive counselors at community centers and many churches. A pastor can help guide you in the right direction, too. You need someone to cousel you all who has experience with blended families.

Your counselor has to help you and your wife decide upon consequences foe these kids acting up like this! Fighting, lying, disrespect....has to have consequences to show for all kids.

Good luck.

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I am sending you all strength, patience and love...

Parents all love their kids the best.. Guess what? Your 3 children are your kids and your wife's kids. All equal.
You and your wife need to be a strong couple. You 2 need to go to counseling and get on the same page and stick to your rules about expectations and rules.

I also suggest you all go to some sort of family counseling if you cannot get these children to get along on their own.

Tattle telling should not be allowed unless someone's life is in danger. Tattle tellers are not "good kids" they are judges tending toward bullying and they do not have a right to do that.

If a child tattles to me, I have them tell me 3 good things about the person they are tattling on..

You all may need to find a time to sit down and tell your children why you 2 got married in the first place. Tell them your goals for your family. I was not keen on my dad or moms new spouses.. In my mind I kept wondering, why on earth would they marry this person?

Once I actually voiced my feelings and heard their reasons, it made more sense and I knew that they really wanted to stay together.

I wanted my parents to be happy, I was embarrased that I had hurt their feelings and the new spouses feeling. I was also given a "free and safe opportunity" to express my feelings to everyone.. It really helped clear the air and we cleared up some miscommunications and learned better ways to speak with each other..

The kids need to learn to get along and solve their differences. It sounds like your daughter is being bullied in her own house and this is not fair.

We all know that our children are the "good ones", but guess what? Everybody makes, mistakes, lies and is not perfect..

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Is your family recently blended? It can be sooo difficult.

First off, your kids do NOT come first. You and your wife come first to each other, period. The kids ALL need to know that. The sooner you all get that, the simpler this can be. (It won't be easy, but it will be simple.) You and your wife should each trust the other's intentions when it comes to the children, because you can't get it together if each of you is thinking that the other has it out for his/her stepkids.

Secondly, you have to let the kids work it out among themselves, let them figure out their own dynamic and rhythm. Just show them that the parents will not get caught up in their power struggles. Set the house rules (for everybody), including consequences for obeying and for breaking them. Then, let them go for it. It's not as easy to do, but you two will have to show that you are on the same team, regardless of what they might say or do. That message is a powerful one. Right now, they're counting on your taking sides.

I recommend that you parents get into couseling to help guide you through the process of blending your families. With four kids in that age range, your hands are undoubtedly full (attitudes, hormones, insecurities, competition, etc.). You can learn some practical tips for making it work and get some perspective so you don't take it too personally and get carried away with emotion.

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Hi,
Your question made me so sad. It is a very sad situation for you all to be in. You say you love your wife very much, but the children bickering is splitting you up.
You and your wife have handed a huge amount of power to 4 kids, the oldest only 12! You could choose to take that power back. Maybe try speaking calmly with your wife, without any kids around (have them looked after by someone for a couple of hours) and calmly discuss your marriage, just the relationship between you two. If you both want to stay married, then its a matter of setting rules and boundaries for not only the kids but you two. As hard as it is, neither of you can play favorites with kids. Lying, bickering, not sharing, being mean, cannot be tolerated and must always be dealt with, no matter who does it. An objective rational approach to trouble making works well.
I don't know about a 10yr old having a black heart, I think your wife needs to address this issue for herself because that sounds extreme.
I agree that you must look after your daughter, and not allow her to be with an alcoholic parent. One of my parents was an alcoholic, and I can tell you it is very unhealthy for kids to grow up with that.
If you and your wife cannot agree to be on the same team and stay together, maybe a short break to get your marriage in perspective would help.
If you do stay, you will need to address ALL the kids together, laying down firm rules and telling them clearly that their behavior in trying to break up the home is completely unacceptable and not be tolerated. Kids need firm boundaries to feel safe, and it sounds like the boundaries are currently blurred for them in this home.
Good luck!!

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E., I'm very worried about your daughter's emotional health in this situation. I, too, value the bond of marriage, but when your child's emotional health is at stake, you need to put that first! I was emotionally abused by siblings growing up, and later by a boyfriend, and I still have the scars 20-30 years later. I like the idea of marriage and family counseling. But your daughter may need separate counseling, too, if she begins to show signs of emotional bullying (bad self-image, feelings of confusion as to her importance in your life, etc.). That your wife would say she has a "black heart" is just unbelievable. I pray your daughter doesn't know she said that -- sometimes the things people say about children can turn into self-fulfilling prophecies if the children hear them and take them to heart. So, although in most cases I would agree that the marriage comes first, if your child is being emotionally abused, you stand the risk of her growing up into a broken, scarred woman with a twisted view of her self-worth, and that would be a terrible scenario. As dire as it sounds, with a good counselor she should be okay. I think you really need to pull your wife aside and confront her (lovingly) with the damage this is doing to your daughter. If she loves you, she should also love your daughter and want her to have the same good outcome in life she wants for her children. At any rate, just keep loving your daughter and letting her know how important she is to you. Not spoiling her, and not in such a way that you show favoritism. Just in a very affirming way. So -- that was a convoluted answer, but I hope some of it helps! I'll be praying for your family.

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i think many marriages put there kids first. thats not right. the spouse comes first then the kids. you need to be a team and on the same page. kids grow up move on with there own lives. you need to be building a stronger foundation with you wife she is the one you are going to grow old with. sure kids will be around but your wife comes first.

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I have never been in that situation but I know you are not alone. You have gotten a lot of advise from many however I disagree with your marriage comes first. I think it all comes first and if it doesn't work then what is your priority? Your child and your child should come first. I would however not just jump because you think your daughter is the better one and she thinks her kids are the better one because children will play you if they are unhappy in a step parent situation. So before you leave please make sure that is what you should do. You can't be in love with your wife if you are willing to just walk away like this. There are other issues however I would certainly let your wife know you are totally disappointed in her for saying your daughter had a black heart! and she owes you and your daughter an apology. That is a horrible thing to say about any child and she certainly wouldn't want someone to say that about her children. As for her children never lies she is in another world. All children will lie. Have you all thought of family therapy? Have you sat the children down and talked to them and told them the bickering back and forth is caused trouble in your marriage and has to stop? Do not make it the burden of the children but share with them the problems you all are having but never make them feel they are the total reason. It does take step children time to get a long but sometimes they just never do and decisions have to be made. Make sure if you do leave that you are leaving for the right reasons but remember if your daughter is playing you to get you to leave even though you don't think so, she may do it again should you remarry in the future. If that happens then you will need to put your foot down as she will now know that she can get you to do what she wants. It is a very hard thing to go through and I do wish you luck. Remember which ever decision you make it will be the right one for you and your child.

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Have you and your wife and children seen a family counselor? If not, then you should because you and your wife are acting just a juvenile as the children are. Of course the 7 year old irritates the 10 year old. That would happen if they were blood sisters. Look at what you're dealing with here...4 kids, and the three who are biologically related are naturally going to stick together. You ALL need some counseling to teach ALL of you what a real family acts like, and you and your wife joining in and siding with your own child is not going to make a family. You mentioned that your ex wife is alcoholic who neglects her children. That must mean that the two of you divided your family. How many of the children did she keep? Your 10 year old was swept away from her family and probably feels like an outsider. How long have you been married? How long did you date? Did you introduce you children before you got married and did they have a chance to get to know each other. If she is the great wife you say she is, then why leave when you could get some professional help (the county provided it). Do you belong to a church? Most ministers can point you to a good counselor. Do you ever do things as a family such as trips to the beach, bowling, having movie night at home with hotdogs and popcorn, playing board games? I understand that you love your little girl and your wife loves her three, but in just a few years those kids will be all grown up and out on their own, and where will you be, with this wonderful wife or with another one that just might not be as good. LOOK BEFORE YOU LEAP AGAIN.

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E.,
There is too much we don't know to answer your last question, but I would start with counseling and then go on to team building. All kids lie, tattle ("love me, I'm the good one") and try to win the parentn for themselves. I would think that would be even more pronounced in a blended family.
Are there other family members where the kids could go from time to time? Grandparents? Aunts? You all need a timeout from this.
You all need to agree on family rules: no hitting, no name calling, each picks up her stuff and there should be a chore list. After that, no tattling.These are attention seeking behaviors. If you and your wife cannot stay out of their altercations, then try a counselor to teach it.

Good luck, kids aren't easy under any circumstances, your situation is just more complicated.
K.

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Have you guys tried counseling yet? Your situation sounds difficult, but if there is the possibility that you & your wife can work through these issues, you owe it to yourselves (what drew you two to each other in the first place? remember those things about each other!) and to your children. While you are not each other's children's biological parents, you have formed a family together. Families have issues/problems/bickering amongst siblings, even when they are biologically-related. It would be better for all children involved to see a marital relationship be successful and see that two adults love each other/can work through their problems, than for all of them to go through another divorce/separation situation.

These situations are tense, difficult & trying. I'm part of a stepfamily, so I do understand that. And I have my moments of wanting to "get out" b/c it seems like the problems would just disappear/life would be easier - but that isn't necessarily the case.

Good luck to you. I sincerely hope it all works out for the best. I do suggest counseling for you & your wife and possibly for the kids involved. It never hurts & could be a huge help. But I think you & your wife ought to go together to counseling, not just separately. You have to come to some sort of compromise and try to see eye to eye or, at least, attempt to see each other's point of view.

Best wishes.

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I think that it is always extremely difficult in blended families to find that common place. I feel very strongly that you should protect your daughter as it seems everyone is ganging up on her. Kind of a cinderella effect. It's good you are aware and not sweeping it under the rug. Talk to your wife get her to understand your concerns don't leave anything out. Children are going to lie embelish to see what they can get away with even if they are "good". I too am in a similar situation with step son 12 and my son 9. The 12 yr old is having hard time adjusting to our blended family and taking much out on my 9 yr old, who can't seem to understand why the older doesn't like him. I only tell him that each of us are different and that it is our job to think of ourselves and not worry about what is going on with the other. I encourage my son with lots of loving affection making sure that he knows no matter what he is important. I also do the same for the 12 year when I have alone times with him, it's hard to do, but love is what conquers. I pray that God give you the wisdom and understanding as well as the patience to approach this with your wife in love.

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You've received a lot of great advice, but since I grew up in a blended family I wanted to add my 2 cents.

First if your instincts are telling you to leave for you and your daughters well being, then you should listen to them! Obviously you know the whole situation and all the underlying circumstances and only you can really make this decision.

However I would suggest to sit down and have a heart to heart talk with your wife. Obviously you love each other and she loves her kids, but she needs to put herself in your and your daughters shoes and be more sympathetic to your daughters needs. I would definitely suggest family and couples counseling. maybe some time apart and counseling and you can get through this difficult time. I'm sure it will make your family stronger in the end. If she is unwilling to work things out then you are probably making the right decision.

Hang in there, and you are doing the right thing putting your daughter first!

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I think you are very brave for leaving. No child should be told they have a "black heart", and no child should be labeled good or bad... nor is any child not worth saving.

My mother threatened to leave my stepday b/c he kept fighting my brother/ (his step son.) Regardless who's fault it was, dissention is the house is not good for anyone. They eventually worked out their differences but if that had not been the case, I really do think she would have left.

Your daughter is clearly outnumbered, or course she's going to act out. As far as the "tattling step-children" they will learn in school just how far that gets you. Knowone wants a tattle for a friend.
Remember to tell your child that she is very speacial to you. She may be feeling like she doesn;t have anyone but you, with her mother being an alcoholic, I bet you she dosn't really want to live with her...she just knows that's the easy way out of the current mess.

Talk to your wife when it's just you and her. Just talk, listen to each other. Maybe you can find a way to work together. Spend time with each kid individually, they might all be wanting attention, and fighting ()playing good/bad roles to get it)

I hope everything works out for all of you.
Good luck and God Bless!

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Have you spoken to your wife about family counseling? The marriage may be solid, but issues with blended families can often be a challenge and some therapists specialize in helping with those issues. If money is an issue the county offers services on a sliding scale.

Do you belong to a church? Many also offer counseling help for members, or even for relatives of members of their congregation

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If you really love your wife and family - try everything -family counseling can work miracles. Learning to love one another and communicate without casting blame is what your whole family needs. I know when I was a kid around 12, my mom and stepdad and I went to counseling for only a few sessions and it changed everything. I'll be praying for you - this is hard, I know! I've seen many marriages break up under the strain of stepkids, stepparents, etc. Even if they won't go to counseling, try going yourself and you will be amazed at the tools you learn for dealing with these situations.

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I think it is time for some family counseling with a counselor that specializes in blended families. Yes, your daughter is the most important thing for you. No, do not let her go live with her mom. That would be more detrimental than the current living situation. It is definitely time to sit down and have a talk with the entire family and insist on counseling.

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One thing that my husband and I did with our kids (they are ours been married 23 years), is if one called to tattle on the other, we would not listen and tell them goodbye and hang up the phone. If we aren't there to see the behavior I don't want to hear about it. If its life threatening that is one thing, but if little Susie isn't letting her brother watch the show he wants and he grabs the remote and little Susie calls, I don't want to hear about it. They need to learn to negotiate and get along. Now, that being said, you have other issues too. Your wife. That is a problem. If she can't look beyond the differences and blames everything on your daughter, you my friend have a real marriage problem. For your daughter to want to go live with her mother is very telling. She feels that environment is better than the one she is in now. If you daughter moves out, you will resent your wife and her children. They will be happy you will not and over time your marriage will not survive. Does your daughter do anything violent? If your wife has said several times that she is leaving to "protect" her kids from yours, why hasn't she? If I thought my kids were in danger, I would be out like a flash but she isn't. I believe she is trying to manipulate you into sending your daughter to her mother. Your family needs counseling ASAP. If you wife won't go, you and your daughter should. Your daughter needs coping skills that she is not getting in that household. At this point, you need to stand up for your daughter and yourself. Good luck!!

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I do not know how to say this tactfully but the woman you are living with is not the great wife or mother.
You MUST be there for your daughter and I would not leave her in that situation another day.
Anybody that would say that my child has a black heart and their child "never lies" would not in my book be a great person to have around my child.
It takes huge patience and diplomacy to work out the kid thing and this woman is not doing it. They are ganging up on your child and she has no where to go.
I know it is hard for people but believe me there are other fish in the sea and your daughter is being emotionally abused and she will become mean and defensive if she feels that no one sees her and hears her or values her. It will ruin her and break her spirit and you will have to live with that.
She deserves a childhood and should not have to constantly be made out to be the bad child. How awful would that be?

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Hi E.
You guys need to take charge of your home. You are letting the kids run the household and get the upper hand. Who are the adults here!! How long have you and your wife tried to "blend this family" these things do not happen like the "brady bunch" and it takes a lot of hard work and love and understanding. Blended families are difficult at the very best but can have a great outcome if the adults behave like adults and take charge.
You guys need to get these kids together and sit down and have a good ole fashioned family discussion and come to some sort of agreement with each other. Leaving the situation is not always the best if you truly love your wife and she loves you. Your children are playing each of you against the other and that can only lead to misery- so take charge- make the rules and work with the children to see they are in agreement with how the household is run- but above all- you guys take charge and stop pitting the kids against each other- it takes a long time but the results of a happy family can be reached if you all try together and stop argueing about things that can be resolved peaceably.
If you and your wife cannot work this out together then get some counseling before you break up your home again.
good luck and blessings

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YES YOU ARE.See a councilor not your life coash, also have her seen, she may be acting out because she is upset about not being with HER mother. She may need to talk this out with someone who will listen to HER.

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E....I wouldn't let your daughter move in with mom. I don't think that would be a good environment for her. Sounds like wife's kids are conspiring to come between the two of you and you both need to sit down together without the kids around and discuss this & get on the same page. You both need to present a united front towards the kids and lay down the rules as to what is acceptable/unacceptable behavior in your hh.

Best of luck!

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E., My heart goes out to you. You are in a very difficult situation but I KNOW you are making the right decision to put your daughter first. You are an incredibly strong individual and sound like a GREAT father! Everyone has a different opinion but I would probably move out of the house immediately but not divorce. Have a family meeting and tell all of the kids that if they cannot learn to respect each others differences, it will tear your family apart and hurt you and mom terribly. They are all old enough to hear the details of how a separation will impact ALL of their lives in a negative manner. I would highly recommend group counseling. I'm sure it will be tough to get everyone there at the same time but your family is at stake. Now, they did not choose this blended family, so I have to take their side to some extent. Blended families are not ideal; however, it's worth a try if you really want it to work. If it doesn't work, put your daughter first. I'm so sorry you are having to go through with this! Just don't put your wife before your daughter, it will destroy her and then you will have a lifelong problem on your hands. Good luck!

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You have a lot of good advice already, and I agree with those who have already said your daughter comes first.

What bothers me the most are the comments you say your wife makes. As adults, we are the ones who 'set the good example' for our kids. The very fact that your wife makes nasty comments about her stepdaughter tells me that she isn't doing anything to set an example for her children. Children feed off what they hear their parents say and how they see their parents behave. They see and hear far more than we realize. She should be teaching her children the very basic behavior - do unto others as you would want them to do unto you. Just this basic respect for others is lacking in this household. It is true that children will bicker amongst themselves. And parents should not get involved in these disagreements unless there is true concern that someone is going to be harmed. But if you believe it has gone beyond this, and emotional harm has to be considered, then you need to be your daughter's protector. You can start by making sure you are treating her children with the same respect you want her to show your daughter. Go from there by letting your wife know that you expect the same from her. If she is unwilling to cooperate with that request, then you need to put your daughter's welfare first. If it comes down to your daughter being harmed, the responsibility for her welfare falls on your shoulders.

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Hi E.,
Since you love your wife I suggest that you stay together and demonstrate to all the children that your love for each other is stronger than the discord between the kids. Learn by reading or seeing a counselor that you and your wife present a united front to the children. If you disagree about which child did what or how to discipline them, work that out privately. Support each others decisions in front of the children. Spouses should not override what the others action is. If there is disagreement about how a situation is handled, work that out together without the kids tattling influencing your decisions. There will be a lot of discord as the children see that you and your wife have decided to work together as a team and agree on all decisions before confronting kids. Sometimes you will have to compromise, other times one will have to yield to the other. As you learn techniques which work well, you will empower yourselves and your marriage will be stronger. Know that your children will act out worse as you start this united parenting. Take courage. As they see that you are happy to be working together, they will smooth out in time. It is all a learning process for you and your wife as well as the children. Be consistent in your efforts.
One last idea--one of my children had several friends who all got in some serious trouble together. Each of those kids parents told their child that they would send them to live with the other parent or grandparents because they were unmanageable. When we got in the car I told my daughter that she would not be sent to live with someone else, her dad and I would continue to work together as many years as required until she learned how to be a responsible, productive person and not pass her off to someone else to do it. She is now a college grad with a good job and is self sufficient.
I wish you peace and love in your home. HTH.

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Erique,
Your child should always always always come first, and it sounds to me like you are remembering that key item. You are the only one who can protect your child. I am horrified that someone that is supposed to be like a mother to your child would say that she has a "black heart". That is awful. I think you should always try to work out a marriage if you can, but maybe you need to seperate for a little while or as one person said, put some cameras up without the children knowing you are doing it. If after addressing the situation fully things are not working out, then I think you should leave. Honestly, this sounds like a bit of an abusive household for your daughter. Not you of course, but these other children and your wife as well. Maybe your wife isn't being physically abusive, but if she is telling you she thinks your daughter has a black heart, then she can't be giving your daughter anything very positive. This sounds like a mentally abusive situation for you and her as well. I feel for you, and I hope you do figure out the right thing to do. I have to say that you should go with your gut, and it sounds to me like it's already told you what to do. Good luck. Don't let your daughter go back to her real mom. I have been through that part of it myself. My ex husband was an alcoholic and was very mentally abusive. I personally left with my 3 children to keep them from going through that with him. He does see them now, but only very rarily and is set to go on supervised visitation if I see anything that worries me. I would never let my children go to live with him full time no matter how well he is doing. You never know when they will fall off the wagon again. Good luck. I hope this works out for you and your daughter.

Don't give in. You are supposed to be defending your daughter. In a relationship where two families merge, there are always issues. Don't assume it's always your daughter's fault. Poor child, I can only imagine what that's been like for her, having three step-siblings ganging up on her and always being the bad guy. If you already caught the other child in a lie, chances are there are plenty more where those came from. And one more thing, that child didn't learn to lie without her own life coach....hmmm...now who could that example have come from?

Remember, there is plenty of time for you to find a good relationship or to work on this one (not telling you to go yet) but do try to get some counseling for you and your daughter and you and your wife, and some family counseling as well. Sounds like your wife thinks you can't live without her. Try to fix this situation any way you can, but it takes ALL of you to participate and try hard. Otherwise, you will be faced with a choice, which you have always had...you can take it--or leave it.

You said your daughter comes first. I hope your right. Sounds like her mom isn't a good candidate and this child would be worse off than with your new family. I don't know though, forced with an unbearable situation, she may just choose to leave anyway. And what will happen to her as she grows up in that environment? Please, for the sake of your daughter, do something.

I will be praying for you and your family. All of you.

It sounds like you and your wife have lost control. Who runs the show around your home. You should definitely seek counseling for all parties involved. Running away is not going to help you or your daughter in the long haul. I was sent to live with my father when I was 15 because my mother and step-father weren't getting along due to me being a typical teenager. Which my step-father didn't really want a child anyhow. To this day, although my mother and I have a good relationship, I still have some resentment for the fact that she sent me away to better her marriage. Things need to be worked out for all parties to come out of this in a win/win situation.

Your daughter should always come first. If you made a mistake so be it. Be on your way. I was really selfish when my kids were younger and didn't always put them first and have huge regrets. The only way to avoid a problem like this in the future is to live your life with just you and your daughter until she is off to college. I know it sounds impossible but it can be done. I listen to Dr. Laura Shlesinger some times and that is what she suggests and being that I have allready gone through this and didn't do as she suggested I know she is right. Nobody will ever love your child like you, especially an older child. That's my two cents.

E.,
Blending families can be a very difficult thing to do especially when the kids are young.
I think putting your daughter first should be your priorty in life.In the long run you'll see the benefit in how it will affect your daughter.don't think your doing the wrong thing by leaving,you have to think of whats BEST for your daughter.Put yourself in her shoes in what she has to go through or how she must feel when the kids give her a hard time and its probably most of the time.Kids now a days have enough to deal w/ when there are seperations or divorce or a mother thats an acholic.
Take your daughter if thats what your sure you feel in your heart you need to do.Just don't go back and forth in your relationship w/your daughter.
Women can be very convinsing especially when they have what you may want{get my drift}.Your going to have to stick to your guns if you decide to leave and do whats best for your daughter. I think you know what that should be.
You have all the time later to date when you raise a healthy daughter.And youll have her respect too.
Good -Luck and God Bless!!!!

Unfortunately it sounds like you are at a big impasse. Putting your daughter first is a must. Don't let her go back to an unhealthy environment!! You standing up for her now will have a big impact on her. In her future, she will be dating, and you want all the men she dates to put her first. If she sees you doing that for her, she will accept nothing less from the other men in her life.

The only suggestion I would have is getting the whole blended family together for counseling. But - if everyone isn't willing, that tells you something too.

Good for you for trying to get help! Best of luck to you and your daughter.

You are all your daughter has. You are the only parent she has that is in a position to look out for her best interest. Her mother can't. Your wife wont because she has shown that she is very biased toward her own children and doesn't have a bond with your daughter and perhaps isn't willing to make one because it would be a betrayal in her heart to her own children. I think it is unlikely that your daughter is ever able to feel comfortable, at ease or at peace in her own home because it isn't her home it is your wife's home and your wife's own children's home and she is not permitted to feel at home. I have been in those shoes as a child and it is a dark, lonely, depressing place to be and at that age it seems like it will never end. She is being emotionally damaged every day she remains with them. She is being emotionally damaged every day that her Dad doesn't show that she is as valuable to him as her step siblings are to their mom. Leave. This is not about her trying to manipulate you or the family. You have seen the evidence yourself. Show her she is worthy of being put first by her Dad and she will have healthy relationships and personality in her future. Don't and she won't. It is that simple. She was in your life first. She has got to be your first priority.
Peace and Prayers

You and your wife need to get control of your family. The first thing I would do is make it a rule that unless there is fire, flood or blood the tattling needs to stop. Pound it into their heads that their best friends are the people that sit around the dinner table with them every night. You and your wife have got to get on the same page and the blame cannot be put on one child. When they start fighting tell them they have to work out the problems and I have found that if the parents will stay out of it, the children will normally work it out. You have a lot of hard work ahead of you, but it can be done. I took in 4 children 3 1/2 years ago and 2 of them ganged up on the oldest and excluded her from everything. They all tattled about everything and I finally told them unless there is fire, flood or blood you go work it out and now for the most part they do. They still require tight supervision most of the time, but they have gotten a lot better. I would also get them all in church and get them involved at church and quote scriptures to them. Our favorite is 'Your sin will find you out'. My prayers are with your family. You can turn this around, but only if you and your wife are willing to work very hard and not put the blame on one child. I have found it is never the fault of one child all the time.

As the grandmother of a grandaughter in the same situation as yours, I can only say, I've wished for a long time that my son would finally put his childs needs ahead of himself and leave his wife and make a family for his little girl, before its too late. His wife has threatened on many occasions to leave him, and she will, hopefully before they have children, too. His daughter is with his ex-wife, she is useless too, the child is 6 and has lived in 16 different places in her little life already. You have a responsibility to your child, to protect, provide and for her into adulthood, I am proud of the decisions you are making to give her a chance at a good life.

God Bless you and your daughter with a good heart,

Grandma D