My Daughters First Visit with Dad

Here are a few things that I have learned through trial and error. First of all, anticipate that following each visit with Dad will be behavioral changes. If you know and anticipate it, hopefully it will not be so irritating. Also, although it is not fair, you will likely be the stable environment for your children. I have had positive results by remaining as consistent as possible, not allowing my daughters to speak disrepectfully about their father, and by telling them, bit by bit as they have grown, the truth about their father. They don't need to know all of the details. "Your Daddy loves you very much, but he cannot honestly take care of himself, let alone a wife and children. He has an addiction that he will need to get under control before he is able to manage anything else." Of course, I explained what "addiction" means, etc. (This conversation did not occur at 19 months, though.) :) You sound like a wonderful, loving Mother. If you do not have an amazing support system, please look around you and take note of which people make you feel good and energized. Church groups can be great. Families can be a dream come true, but they can also be a nightmare come true. Whatever your situation is, make sure you have people around you (besides us) :) who are on your side, supporting you. May God Bless and Keep You and Yours.

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Get a lawyer. Do you have a custody order? If not, and you believe that your ex wants to take the baby, then you need to get one.

My sister-in-law left her husband while she was pregnant. She thought they had an amicable visitation schedule. (By the way, I would NEVER recommend the mother of an infant allow overnight visits with the biological father. This creates a logistical nightmare in a law suit over custody - because a court would NEVER order an infant or young child to be surrundered for overnight visits away from the primary custodian . . . unless overnight visits were already part of the routine.)

Anyway, she let the baby go for overnight visits so she could have a break for a couple of night per week . . . and he refused to return the baby to her. He had gotten a lawyer and filed for custody in court. The temporary order gave HIM physical custody of the baby - because he had actual physical custody of the baby at the time he filed. My SIL had to rush to hire a lawyer, scramble to the court house, get a new court order, and then we had to have a police escort to get the baby back. It was a nightmare.

But, no parent (regardless of whether or not they are the non-custodial parent) can kidnap their own child UNLESS they are in violation of a court order.

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Congratulations on the new baby and the beautiful girl too!

I would suggest having other people with you--and not just one--but a group. Make it a "party" with the help of someone that you really trust to help you fake it. Have some cupcakes or cake, blue for boy, etc. Have something for your daughter too. Like a new doll wrapped up. Or maybe your daughter can be at your mother's and just not present at a difficult time. Keep it short by saying you and the baby are tired.

Best of luck. W.

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i feel so bad to tell you that i have no idea. my son is 9 months today & i think we'll be in the same situation fairly soon... i wish you all the best.

on a more helpful note, may i suggest a place where i think you'll get a lot of help but also an amazing community base (not that this isn't --- love this group of gals!!!) --- but this is for single parents.

iheartsingleparents.com (i would suggest signing up NOW!)

good luck to you!!!

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Don't let him take the baby or your daughter out of the house.
Have another person present and set the rules unless you have a divorce agreement about visitation.

Get legal advice. He does not have the see the baby as soon as he/she is born. It sounds like he isn't much of a father if he has not been to see his child since November.

Laeh

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Wow, I can't believe he has not come to see his baby girl since November. I really don't know what to tell you but I want you to know that I'm saying a prayer for you all.
I also pray that you have a healthy delivery and baby.
Hugs,
D.

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first of all if he is going to come visit the new baby tight after he is born, let the doctor and nurses know. They will help with security. As long as he is not there when the child was born he can not take the child out of your room. I agree with everyone else. Have some family or friends over to help you, set ground rules before he can come over.
And most imporant for all. You are no-longer married he has no legal rights of the new baby until the judge says so.
good luck and congrats.

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Definitely speak with an attorney (try legal aid at www.lasoregon.org if cost is an issue) about your situation. From what I've read there are many different ideas about how the law works for folks who find themselves in your type of situation. I'm not sure which is correct but can say most certainly that the best way to ensure your children are taken care of in the manner you desire, is to draft a parenting plan and to obtain legal custody of the children.

Good luck!

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What a shmuck - why isn't he visiting his daughter who is here already? I could see that alone being a problem...even between the siblings. No matter what, sister, it's going to be hard. I don't have any experience with this other than to say I'm sorry.

Here, Here to April W!
It sounds like your afraid of some spiteful behaivor from your ex, or it's just your female emotions taking over. iether way your gut is telling you to be careful, I suggest you read April's responce over again.
from my own personal experiance I'll tell you this;
My daughter is now 11 1/2, my X and I split when I was still prenant with her and her twin. we were young and stupid, and he became a coke attic & was abusive the last 2 1/2 months that we were together. (the reason we split)when he quit the drugs I tried so hard to convince him to see the baby, his reasonings were simple I lived in WA he lived in TX. He hasn't seen her since, not a phone call, a picture, email, nothing. That is abandonment, and his behavior started before she and her brother were born. Our mutual friends said that he didn't even show concern when he learned that one of the twins didn't make it.
I know it is tough for you right now, but please listen to the hine-site of so many of us. don't go with your heart, go with your gut. on the birth papers give your new baby your maiden name. if he asks, tell him it's your turn to be selfish.
and I too will be praying for you.

C.,

I would have another family member supervise the visit. If it's in the hospital (I don't recommend) I would talk to the nurses and doctors about the situation. If it's at home I'd still have at least one other family member there to supervise.

Since he hasn't been around at all for 7 months I'd also be suspicious as to *WHY* he wants to reappear now. I don't know your situation, but I'm a little suspicious by nature.

Hope this helps,
M.