My Daughter's Competitive Friend!

Is this friend about the same age? It sounds to me that this girl has low self esteem and is 'one-uping' to make herself feel better. This is very common in children, and it really isn't about competition, it is rooted in self-esteem and jealousy. I know that the urge to correct when the friend makes these comments is strong and natural but it will not change the behavior because it is negative. Instead try turning it into a positive and teaching moment. Ie when she said the thing about your daughter's score, say something like 'a good friend is happy for their friends and asks for their help to get a good score too so they can be equal and have more fun.' Also, since you are close with her parents I would bring up with them that you have noticed that she seems to be feeling unsure of herself and is making demeaning comments to others to make herself feel better. The parents may have noticed this too and are working on it, and may enlist your help too. Remember it takes a village to raise a child!

This is tough! As a parent it's so hard to know how to approach other people's kids because you then think about how you would want another parent to address your own child in a moment of misbehaving. This little girl is an introduction to having to deal with all different types of personalities in this world, unfortunately some are much more bossy and pushy than others! Your daughter sounds like a very kind and gracious child. Maybe instead of trying to point this out to the girl or her parents, instead talk with your own daughter about how this girl's behavior is not the most gracious or becoming, and help your daughter come up with some ways to stand up for herself when she encounters this type of personality. This could be a teaching moment to reinforce to your daughter how to deal with all different types of people, but help her build her ability to also stand up to them. As the first of many encounters for her with people who have difficult personalities. Chances are, if you can help your daughter think of something to say next time that shows the little girl she is not going to let her talk to her that way I bet that other girl would back down. Maybe she could something general like "Well I don't really want to play right now if you're not going to be a nice friend to me."

On a side note, my son plays with a little girl who can be very bossy and has hurt his feelings from time to time. I have talked with him on the side about this and I think it has helped. However, I have also reminded her very swweetly to 'play nice' when she's over if I hear this type of behavior from her. I do feel I can address her directly because I have also overheard my son not minding her mom, and the other mother did remind my son to mind in a very nice way. This made me feel more comfortable addressing her, as I'm a very non-confrontational person myself! Good luck :)

There are a lot of grownups the same way! Remember someone has taught this to this little girl. Poor little thing doesn't know what else to say. Some people have nothing to talk about except their stuff and comparing their stuff to other people's stuff. I wouldn't say anything to her parents, but we all need to learn that there is more to life than things. Maybe tell them a Jesus story every time this happens. Just stop whatever you are doing and sit down and tell them one of those stories (like the rich young ruler; or calming the storm, the parable of the sower Mat. 13 (kids love that one)and the one about the mustard seed, feeding 5,000) have a plan ahead of time, which story you will use the next time it happens; use it to change the subject of their conversation.

I'm sorry W.! That must be tough.

I may say something to the little girl in the presence of her Mom next time she says something a little "Nah-Nah" in the presence of both of you. Affirm what she is saying with the reminder that we want to be kind to our friends. For example, with the Rock Star comment: "Oh, you're so right! She isn't on TV, but she'll always be MY favorite Rocker!" This way, you aren't scalding her, but you are also IMEDIATELY rebuilding your daughters self-esteem. I know myself as the parent, if DS was caught saying something of that nature, I'd probably tell him "that's not nice! Go say sorry!" At 8yr old, I would probably make him come up with 5 nice things to say about her too. (I used to work for an after school care, and did this OFTEN when kids would be unkind to each other.)

The hard part is not crossing the line of "Mom's friend" and "playing Mom". And- if you DO cross a line, appologize to the parent that you did. "Sorry! I am so used to being the Mom, I forget which 4 are mine!"

I think you are doing the right thing. I have a friend whose daughter is like that and is 10 years old. After talking to other moms I have found that this happens alot at this age. I would reinforce the idea that this is not how we act to your daughter and remind the friend when she says something snotty that this is not something we say to our friends. Keep up the good work
N.

Sit her down with your daughter and just explain to them how God blesses us in different ways. And God does'nt like us to look down at one another. He likes us to love one another no matter what we have. That nobody has the same things and everybody is different in Gods eyes. That God loves us no matter what we have and he likes us to be happy with one onother for what we do have. No matter if it's better or worse. That what we do have we are blessed from God in different ways and things. So we need to love one another no matter what we have and God does'nt like us to want for more than what we are blessed with.