36 answers

My Daughter Is Having Sex!

What does showing unconditional love look like when you have a hard time with your daughter having sex? What are your suggestions? What would it look like to you?

1 mom found this helpful

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

smother her with love the way you did when she was a little girl, have girl time keep her so busy with you she has no time for him then you have givin her time to think ,she will THEN be ready to listen with a renewed trust in you.

hope this helps. mom

Please be gentle and gracious with her...she is seeking value from somewhere. This is so difficult because she is more vulnerable than she will realize. No one had ever made me feel worth anything, I knew I was loved, but I thought it was only becasue my parents had to love me, but no one would ever chose to love me...so having sex with whoever was some sort of validation that I was attractive and wanted...but it wasn't until I was 20 that I realized I thrown away something special for my husband. Help her to understand the dangers...both physically and emotionally and comfort her as best as you can. I have a daughter and this is always my fear...it is not an easy topic. Thanks for asking for help!!

Hey, the one thing that I did not see the other parent's mention is oral sex. Apparently, oral sex is HUGE in teenagers these days and you need to explain to her that you can get STDs (AIDS) through oral sex too. Some people think you cannot.

I definitely think you should take her to the doctor and have her treat this as a responsibility. And, I like one parent's suggestion about talking to the boy as well. I know it is embarrassing, but it is part of the embarrassment factor. Even offer to provide condoms - ANYTHING to get them THINKING about what they are doing.

Plus, I highly recommend that you show her this column. A lot of them women have written in with their personal experiences - not all of them with happy outcomes.

More Answers

WOW! How old is she?
I am so glad I only have boys. When my mom confroted me about it, it was really awkward and I kind of blew her off. I guess, at least in my head, after school one day give her a box of condoms and talk to her about the consequences and make a dr appt for her to get birth control and the HPV vaccine. You can stress that you do not condone it but if she has made that choice then she needs to take precautions.
I know on tv and in school now they really push all that education, but it seems to mean more coming from someone that cares. I would try to take the safety road, physically and emotionally and not the "i thought you would make better choices" speech. Dont be on the defense, that will just start an argument. Not sure any of this helps, Good luck

2 moms found this helpful

First and foremost discuss sex with her in a concerning, loving way. Make sure you seem totally comfortable with it and be matter of fact. I would then talk to her about if she would want to see a male gyn or a female gyn and make her an appointment. Discuss the patch with the doctor and get them to prescribe it for her. Then, you fill it, you make sure she puts it on, and then discuss with her about requiring more of herself and that it is ok to wait. We did this with our daughter when we found out she was having sex. We put her on the patch right away...because we were teen parents and are 33 now and do not want grandkids, yet!!! I will casually go in her room after she has had a shower to "see what her plans are for the day". As she is changing I glance at her to make sure she is wearing her patch and I know exactly when it needs to be changed. I stand there and watch her take the old one off and put the new one on. She actually likes it not for the protection from getting pregnant, but it has made her horrible periods much more tolerable. She has since broke up with the guy she was having sex with -- we made it almost impossible for them to breathe without us knowing it...which in turn caused turmoil in the already rocky relationship and they split. She has since pulled herself out of this "slump" and talks about "mom, why did you let me go out with that loser?". They broke up in May and she is just now starting to talk to and consider going out with other guys. The "friends" she has been bringing around have been much better. So, talk to your daughter about protection -- even if you put her on the patch and take her to the doctor and discuss it on a clinical level with her and the doc. Also, if all of this makes her uncomforatble just lay it out there that if she wants to make grown up decisions she needs to be able to handle it like a grown up. If she can not handle it like a grown up then she is not ready for sex. Also, wrtie out a list of what a baby needs -- diapers, formula, clothes, car seats, food, day care, crib, medical bills, etc. and take her down to the store and make her call a doctor's office and child care providers. Make her write out next to it on the list how much things cost, let her add them up, and let her know that this is re-occuring every week. Then ask her how she planned on paying for all that because you aren't going to pay for anything because it would be her child. Continue to talk to her in daily conversations about all of this and let her know how you feel about her having sex. I have found that by the continual talks, my bluntness with my daughter, and me not seeming uncomfortable has gotten her to think aobut her actions. I hope this helps and I have not rambled on to much for you. The key has been I have stayed matter of fact and not squirmy in my seat or like I was embarrassed to discuss it with her.

2 moms found this helpful

Hi A.,
It looks like you have lots of good advice. One thing I didnt see is talking about her about sex the way God intended sex to be. There is a book series "Gods Design for Sex" The books range in ages from 3-5, 5-8, 8-11, 12-15 (i think, i dont have the last one yet). I have 3 daughers, 4, 6 and 10. I have already started talking to them to keep our communitation open and to let them know that they are suppose to talk to mom and dad...not friend or other people about this subject. If I didnt have these books to use as a guide I realy didnt know were to start. For example, they suggest the parent read the book with the child. Have you child read when the child in the book talk/ask questions and the parents read the parents part. This really works. It's questions and situations that the are afraid to ask or just dont know how.
For you since you daughter is no longer 3 and 5 years old to start off , can you and you daughter have a "get a way"? Get these books, go somewhere that you two can be alone and be able to freely read and have an open conversation. I know this sounds silly but I would even start with book #1.
Honestly I started having sex as a early age and I wish every that my parents talked to me about it. I wish I would have never even been in those situations to even have sex.
Good luck A.! I know this will be a tough time and please keep us informed.
God bless!

2 moms found this helpful

Ohh I had to do this...it's hard. The best way is to start a casual (private) conversation. Ask her point blank and give her the opportunity to tell you. Either way, no matter what she says, begin telling her the consequences of having sex. Recommend birth control and always always always reiterate SAFE SEX!
It does no good to preach abstainence at this point so it's really up to you to weigh YOUR options. Do you want to shame her and make it impossible for her to come to you? or open up a line of communication that is positive (this does not mean you want to hear about her sex life) where you can be the one giving advice?
I chose to take my daughter to the doctor and put her on birth control. I was a teenage mom and if my mother had told me to stop having sex I don't think it would have worked. I let my daughter know that I didn't really approve of her having sex and that with the responsibility came huge consequences but I wasn't going to let an unplanned pregnancy be one of them.
She's a smart girl and I just talk openly with her about her choices and remind her that even the most "monogamous" relationships aren't always. BE SAFE!
It's also a good idea to reach back into your own adolescence and remember how it was for you and your parents at this complicated time in your life. I tried not to make the same mistakes as my mother made with me. If you were someone that waited until marriage before sex, then tell her this too...and remind her how even though she's already had sex it's not to late to save herself for someone she really loves. Chances are she feels in love now (and may be) so I'm sure you might be past that, but either way I think it's important not to make her feel shame for feelings that are raging beyond her comprehension at this time.

2 moms found this helpful

My first questions would be how old is she? I am pretty liberal so I don't know if my advice will fit you or not. FIrst of all you can't stop her from having sex if she is going to unless you are with her 24/7. I would tell her that you think she is sexually active and see how she reacts. I would let her know that you wishes she would wait and explain to her the consequences of sex (many of them really don't think about what can happen). Talk to her about pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. I would also talk to her about using protection. I don't think that getting a child is birth control encourages sex, it just helps reduce the chances of pregnancy. Also, talk to her about condoms. Make sure she is using them. If possilbe I would even talk to the boy. My daugher is only 5 and I am not looking foward to this day. I hope she waits until marriage, but I know that statisticlly that is not going to happen. Be open and honest about your feelings about her being sexually active but also let her know that you are there for her.

2 moms found this helpful

Please try to consider an avenue other than "confronting" her - it is very negative. Think of it as educating her and keeping her safe. Talk to her about about EVERYTHING, not just the fact that she can catch diseases or get pregnant, but that men will use her for sex and sometimes just walk away, etc.. And even if she rolls her eyes and says "mom, I know that already!", tell her she's going to sit and listen anyway. Sex is a very powerful thing, and so many times children don't understand the power or emotions that having sex can bring with it. Am I advocating teenage sex? NO, but unfortunately she's already made that decision and apart from chaining her to the bed (which I'm sure you've thought of, however illegal) there's no way to really stop her. The best thing you can do is make sure she is protected (PUT HER ON THE PILL SO SHE DOESN'T RUIN HER LIFE!) and educated about the consequences. Whatever you do, don't go into the conversation mad or with a confrontational attitude, because 1- she will immediately shut down and not listen to anything you say, and 2- she'll probably head straight out and do it again without thinking JUST TO SPITE YOU.

Good luck and GOD BLESS you and your daughter.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi, I know that you received quite a few responses so far and I hope that you find something that will work for you and your daughter. As an office manager at an abortion clinic, we see way too many pregnant teenagers. For many of them, it is their first partner, and their parents had just found out the hard way that they were sexually active. The one thing that I would encourage you to do, is be there for your daughter. Don't attack her, don't make the issue about you ("How could you do this to me?" example). Just be the loving, supportive parent that I know that you are. You obviously care about your daughter. Let her know that while you don't support her decision and you are going to encourage her to stop or at least practice safe methods, you are there for her and will help her with the things that she needs to know, such as how to use a condom, pap smears, birth control, that sort of thing.

Best of luck!

1 mom found this helpful

Talk to her in a loving, accepting way so she knows she's not "in trouble". LISTEN more than you talk. Speak only to get her to say something - you know, open-ended questions. Like "Sweetheart, I've discovered you're sexually active and we need to talk about this. You're not going to be punished for anything you say and I won't judge you. But sex is a very grown up thing and it's very critical that we talk about it openly and that you're 100% honest with me." Find out WHY, then make sure she knows the dangers (they never think it will happen to them but tell her statistics anyway), make sure she's on the pill AND using a condom, and THEN convince that at any time she chooses to stop she can re-gain her virginity and begin fresh again (psychologically, of course). This is important b/c after they have sex once, they figure - "oh well, I've done it once so I might as well again". You know?

Good luck. You can get her through this.

1 mom found this helpful

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