My Daughter Is Having Anxiety and Socialization Issues

It sounds like she needs some coaching/counseling to help her learn to not take the behavior of her peers so personally and instead build a self-image and social skills that will lead her to connect with desirable friends. Usually kids in gifted classes are able to make friends with some gifted peers even when some other kids are mean to them. The key is for her to recognize that when other kids say things and she feels hurt by it then she is giving away her power to them. If she can laugh it off and maintain her focus on feeling positive about herself then the bullies naturally will shift their attention to other kids who are psychologically vulnerable.

Best wishes,
JS

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Hello C.,

I am a homeschooling mom and have been for the last two years. This is a personal choice to either homeschool or not. Not everyone is in favor of this decision even in my family, but my husband supports our decision 150% ~ which to me is the only thing that matters. My oldest daughter was in a local public school and when I decided to remove her from the school, she was doing wonderfully ~ I believe it was the best thing for her.

The best website/store that I have found that has the most reasonably priced homeschool materials is www.rocksolidinc.com this store is based out of Jacksonville, Florida. It carries all the named brand suppliers like: Saxon, Horizon and Alpha Omega just to name a few. I have personally used Horizons for both of my daughters. My oldest has also used Lifepac (which is okay) and Switched on Schoolhouse. I prefer Switched on Schoolhouse due to it being computer based, has more projects / more interesting reports, plus it grades about 98% of the assignments. From using my daughters older report cards from when she was in public school, the Switched on Schoolhouse grades a little harder ~ but still is a wonderful tool. This company also has sales and online discounts too.

We are also part of a local co-op group that meets in Winter Springs, FL called Willow Creek Home Educators their site is: http://www.wche.us/, they set up very interesting and educational fieldtrips, they also have Yearbook club, Music lesson with Covenant Arts Academy, Keepers club (like girl scouts) and Outdoors club. Plus twice a year they meet up for 8 weeks - one day per week during the 8 week span for classes. Each class is taught my a homeschooling parent & helper (another parent) and you have the choice of signing up your child for a class. An example of some choices of class are: volleyball, scapbooking, Ecosystems & Landforms, School yard games and poetry. They also have nursery care for children younger than 4 years old, usually has 2 to 4 moms in the room, depending on number of children. Classes are for ages 4 up to high school aged (I think).

Girl scouts is also a good self-esteem builder, helps you meet new friends and learn how to be a better person. Their website is http://www.citrus-gs.org/.

I hope some of the information above is helpful to you, if you have any questions feel free to ask anytime.

J.

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It sounds like your daughter could use an 'outlet' for her emotions. I was a heavy teenager myself and got picked on in school, but I had music (piano and violin) to express myself. (Even listening to music can be a great outlet...) I didn't become active until I got to college, and enjoyed picking up various activities that helped me lose the weight.

Anyway, maybe she might be interested in finding something to get some of those feelings out... music, art, poetry, journaling, physical activity, etc....

Good luck.

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Here is a list of homeschool groups in Florida:
http://www.home-school.com/groups/FL.html

We belong to one in our area and there is a middle school group that hangs out at the mall, goes to the movies together, etc. It is a very positive experience to homeschool when you can belong to a group so your daughter will have friends to connect with. Best of luck!

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Hi C.,
I'm sorry to hear that your daughter is having trouble making friends at school. Fitting in at that age is so difficult.
I just wanted to let you know of a class I teach at Coral Springs Medical Center. It is the L.E.A.N. Start Course developed by Dr Wiliam Sears. LEAN stands for lifestyle, exercise, attitude, and nutrition and I teach families how to be healthier through proper nutrition. It was developed to fight obesity, diabetes, CVD, as well as learning and behavior problems in school. I typically teach to parents,as a child's heath begins with the parent, but also offer the class to families if the child is between 7-13 years old. It is very reasonable and is being very well recieved by parents with adolescents.
There is a class coming up in August and you can contact me for more info or call the hosp directly (CSMC Community Ed Building)

Healthy Blessings,
C. Soave M.S.Ed
Certified L.E.A.N. Coach
Nutrition Educator
###-###-####

www.drsearslean.com

Building a wholesome world, one family at a time!

1 mom found this helpful

First off, I'm sorry to read your daughter has anxiety issues. I know how rough it can be in school. I hung out with the stoners and the kids that did bad things, even though I did not just to stay away from the bullies. Later, after I had my second child, I developed depression (I had quite a few life changes including that, separating from sevice and moving). I saw a physciatric doctor and he said to walk at least 30 minutes. I think that would be the best for your daughter. Take her to a running store. They will evaluate her and tell you the right shoe to buy. Both you and her should go over a good schedule for her to go walking. Then tell her that you will make her stick to the schedule. Then STICK TO IT. This isn't just for the weight, this is for her brain! Google depression and exercise.

From the Mayo Clinic if you need more info:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/depression-and-exercise/...

Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

Look into a 4-H program in your area. Youth are encouraged to develop their Hands, Heart, Health and Heads. Youth complete a project each year - many subjects to choose from. Helps with public speaking and developing trusting friendships. Have summer camps and activities throughout the year. The program year begins Sept. 1st, so this is the perfect time to contact your local 4-H agent. http://florida4h.org/

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Hi C.,

I was your daughter a few years ago: the chubby girl no one wanted as a friend (or a girlfriend!). I got picked on in school, which at first made me sad and depressed, but eventually, because of it, I grew a thick skin! I came to realize these kids were jealous of me for some other reason, maybe not my body, but my smile, my intelligence, and the fact that the teachers loved me (I was a teacher's pet). Because of this, they picked on me, they had their own insecurity and self-esteem issues and the only way for them to reassure themselves was to put others like myself down. I was always shy in school but made friends with other kids who were seen as outcasts, the goths, the nerds. I also made friends on the net I could chat to without being judged for my looks. I ignored all these negative people and have now grown up. Sure, I am still considered chubby for Miami's size 0 standard, but at least now I have my degrees to back me, a fun daughter, and I lead a successful life, and all those people who picked on me are either college dropouts or unsuccessful in life. Some have even put on weight and become ugly, so in the end, I am having the last laugh. Tell your daughter to suck it up, it may be hard but standing up to these people will only make her stronger. She needs to learn that when the going gets tough, the tough get going, and that everytime something doesn't work out she can't just avoid it and hide. By homeschooling and removing her from an uncomfortable situation, you're teaching her that any time someone is mean to her or something doesn't work out, all she has to do is get herself out of that situation. She won't be able to hold down a job if her boss yells at her and she runs home for cover or if a co-worker looks at her funny and she quits. This also will hold true in any relationships she gets involved in. She needs to learn to talk instead of walking away; she has to learn to confront situations like this. Maybe she needs to see a doctor to get evaluated for a thyroid condition if she is overweight yet eating healthy, which is what I have, and maybe she may need help from a psychologist to treat her depression and increase her self-esteem, but in the end, she'll be much stronger for this and will thank you for letting her handle things on her own. So tell her to keep her chin up and ignore those bitter people who have problems of their own! Remember, what goes around comes around!!

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As a former middle school teacher (with mostly gifted kids), I think you need to keep her in school. How will she find any friends if she's home with you and her younger siblings?

I know that school may be tough, but you can help to ease the stress by talking to her teachers and the guidance counselor(s). If the teachers are aware of it, they can strategically seat her/group her with a kinder group. Teachers are actually pretty keen on picking up on personalities, and usually figure out the more sympathetic types in the first couple of weeks, if not days. The teachers can also keep a closer eye on bullies, if that's also the case, if they have a head's up.

The guidance counselor can not only work with you on the anxiety issues, but can recommend some clubs or sports teams that might interest you daughter. They can be great ways to meet kids with similar interests and, therefore, make friends.

As far as the weight issue, there is information everywhere about diet, but the bottom line is: if she's gaining weight, then she's consuming more calories than she's burning off. Maybe a new bike would motivate her to ride it, or some cool new running shoes would inspire a walk. Buy her a gym membership and go with her. Ask her to take your two-year-old for a stroller ride, and pay her or reward her for babysitting (you can use the time to get stuff done that you can't when the little one is around).

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My daughter is a bit older and in high school (she's 15) but is a great girl with many friends with the same mindset - we live in the Palmetto Bay area and if you are relatively close I would love to plan a "mall date" with you and your daughter so she can hang out with some girls to give her a little motivational push....I can only imagine the agony she must be going through - it's such a tough transitional age componded with the move, I'm sure adjusting has been a challange. I'm offering personal help with my daughter and her friends - kinda like a teen play date. Email me if you are interested..?

C.,
Maybe you would seek out a martial arts america center in your area. This is really good, they teach so many things vital to children and teens in todays world, peer pressure, focus, concentration, health, etc., she would meet kids there that she would like and would like and accept her immediately it is along side the training the kids get while learning the martial arts. This has been wonderful for many kids, gifted or academically challenged. Give it a look see. This is a wonderful program, expensive but worth it. I have heard they will work with families who need a payment plan. check it out, you will be happy and you will see the change in your daughter. We swear by it.

Dear C.,

You have several issues going on here and I understand your daughter is at a very difficult age. While all of the issues you expressed feed into each other, they are in fact separate issues.

While I highly recomend counseling, I understand in this economy it can be next to impossible to get.

The first issue is your daughters weight. She apparently is not happy about it, and does not know what to do about it or how to handle it. Was the personal trainer her idea or yours? If it was hers, great, if it was yours, you are sending signals reenforcing that she is "not ok". Be supportive but not critical, and focus on building her self esteem in all areas, not just her appearance. One of my daughters went through this and was "chubby" until two years ago when she decided to make the change on her own terms.

Know that at this age, ALL KIDS go through teasing and heavy critisism. ALL kids have some self esteem issues. ALL kids have some anxiety, social fears, and roller coaster emotions. Some express it more than others. Your job as a parent is to be supportive and teach them how to weather these storms in life.

Please consider what taking your daughter out of school is teaching her about life. If you do keep her in school, she will find her niche of friends and activities with some guidance. After school activites are really important at this age, and a good place to find friends with the same interests.

Know that some of the most sucessful people in this world were the "geeks", "nerds", and social outcasts in school.

Hello C.. I know how you feel. Having a child who feels they don't fit in is just awful! On the plus side, the school administration is responsible for seeing that she is treated in a reasonable manner. That's the law! Press it. Take it from one obnovious parent, your child is worth it! Home schooling is a fulltime job and requires lots of work and study on your part. It's not to be entered into lightly. She will still have to pass tests etc. You can talk to the administration about having her treated better or offering you another school. Went through this with my son in middle school. Not the kids but a teachers who should NOT have been around children. Soooooo I marched in there with my note pad. Met with the principal and the teacher and went through my list of questions and during the meeting I made sure the principal inadvertently saw a note at the bottom of my paper that said, "call the lawyer after this meeting". Things got better! Not perfect, but better. The following year his counselor retired, what a jerk (yea!!!) and the teacher was transferred (yea!).
Since you are a stay-at-home mom why don't you start an exercise program with her. Early morning walks. She would probably love time alone with mommy. The internet is a great place for diet stuff; free, don't pay for it. There's much out there that's free. She will feel better as she loses weight. If the home school works for you great but she is owed an education. You have already paid for it. Gosh, I had forgotten how ticked off this situation had made me. My younger son had a number of poor teachers. And that was in a county that pays top dollar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Good luck. I certainly feel for you!

i would get her some couseling, too! and if you homeschool her I think this is a solution for middle school (which can just be plain horrendous no matter how good the school is), I think you should spend the time researching great MAGNET schools for her for HIGH SCHOOL.
this can even be a part of her homeschooling- researching schools for high school and even colleges, universities, careers...

My daughter sees a counseler for Anixety. She too is gifted. It was recommended that she has an outlet for the anxiety. She plays the keyboard as well as paints when she feels anxious. We also talk it out. Crazy as this sounds I have my daughter recite out loud to herself in the mirror twice a day "I'm beautiful,smart and I can do anything I put my mind to." It really helps build the self esteem. Our daughter is enrolled in private school, small class size and more advanced cirruclium. Look into youth groups, music and art clubs, perhaphs a girl scout troop too. I try to use these situations as teaching oportunites . ie, why not to bully and how are people going to remember this bully, how they have to put others down to make themselves feel good, ect... Journaling is a must. This is a phase and the world will soon see how special she is.

The best advice I can give you is go to start cooking healthier meals with less carbs. Take your daughter to the doctor and find out how many calories and carbs she should be getting in a day and stick to it. Also exercise is important. Get her into some sports or you yourself go outside and play with her. Anything to help get the weight off. It's not so much because others tease her but the fact that being overweight is very unhealthy. If you love your daughter you will help her get in shape now!

First, I know you do not need any advice on the weight issue...you have that covered....

On the homeschooling...Research show that home educated children are at an increased advantage over public schooled children in academics, socialization, and social skills....and yes, I do know this--I just did my thesis paper on this very subject! email me you addy and I will send you a copy of my socialization paper, and point you to other research studies that show academics is higher, as well.

The great thing about home schooling is these children are more tolerant, and better behaved because they DO have the parent to correct behaviors right away...unlike in public school, where the teachers are not allowed to punish a child, or have too many kids to single out each bad behavior of the whole class. (not teachers fault)

The other great thing is there are SOOOO many things available to you in Florida, as a home educated student. From home school days at Disney, the zoo, local museums, and more! There are so many great groups (check yahoo groups and meetup.com, as well as HERI, jax4kids.com and just google)

I think is a great thing and i wish you the best of luck!! :) Please let me know if I can help in any way...

--owner of local home schooling group, and currently getting a double degree in Elementary Education and Special Education

I belong to a great homeschool group full of sweet wonderful kids. If you are interested let me know. It's in the Fort Myers and Cape Coral Area. We have members who come from further away though.

You might want to check into Florida Virtual School. :-)

I am reading your post and I could not relate to it more! We moved to Miami from NYC in 2003 and when we got here we found out that the kids are very different from kids you find in a big city... unfortunately, they are a mirror of what they see in their own houses but you don't need to be discouraged. I asked my daughter, now 14 and going to 9th grade (HS) in September, what she thought about your solution to the problem as she too was in the same predicament as your daughter when we moved here. She said that, first, home schooling is bad because your daughter will never get to make any friends that way, and second, she said that your daughter should learn to stand up for herself.

My daughter was in third grade when we moved here and besides being overweight, she didn't speak any Spanish which made it a little more difficult to make friends nevertheless she managed to make a few friends. I learned when she left that school to go into middle school that a cheerleader had been bullying her for a whole year and that after I had a talk with her and she changed her attitude, the girl even became her "friend". not close but someoen that didn't bully her anymore. What I explained to her at the time was that sometimes kids bully others because they are insecure, or because they have problems at home and take it out on their schoolmates or their pets or anyone or anythign they can in order to vent or because they can even be envious of things that she had... of course this was in elementary school... you need to watch out for bullying from older kids but she took that in and life went on.

She is now 14 and going onto 9th grade, her first year in HS, she is taller than me, about 5'8 and weighs 250 lbs, the good thing is that she has a large frame so she is more on the stocky side which other kids find a bit intimidating but she is truly a pussycat... she does want to loose the weight but she doesn't let that make her an unhappy person; she has her circle of friends who enjoy the same hobbies (she likes to read, draw and attend anime shows) and we just tried to raise her with the attitude that intelligence is just as important - if not more important - than looks...you can always loose the weight and be smart but you can never be beautiful for life and be an empty head and expect to be liked by everyone.

Good luck with your daughter!

Y. from Miami

C. first I have to say Bless you for all you do for your family. Having 2 kids knocking on teen-hood is a full time job then to add a 2 year old - you are one busy women.

Does your daughter belong to any clubs? (YMCA, Babysitting, Scrapbooking, church youth group) Our church has lots of groups and even family events that might keep her busy while working through the teen years. They also have teens help with younger kids and the nursery. It's been great for a number of teens in our church.

I moved to Florida 11 months ago and became a new homeschooling mother. Go online and find a support group in your area. It is a great way meet other parents and find someone who most likely has been in your situation. All three groups that I belong to are wonderful and each serves a little different purpose.

Totally sounds like symptoms of bullying. I think homeschooling her and helping her get a handle on her weight will both be beneficial. Also, you may want to look into extracurricular activities that challenge her so that she can take pride in being smart. If she has other smart kids as friends, they are usually much more accepting and less mean.

Good luck! It must be very difficult to see your daughter struggle, but I am glad she will not be bullied any longer at school.