25 answers

My Daughter Heard Us Having S*E*X - Now What?

Where to begin? Last night, my husband and I were enjoying some "adult time" in my bedroom. My door was locked as it always is when we have sex. A little background - my husband and I have separate bedrooms because he sleeps with a forced air machine that's pretty loud. We all usually keep our bedroom doors closed. We enjoy a pretty active sex life and my 11 year old daughter is a heavy sleeper, so we've NEVER had a problem where we were even close to getting caught.

So we're in the middle of everything, and we hear a knock on the door. It was my daughter asking if I was OK (because she heard ME making some strange noises). I told her to wait a minute and then threw on a night gown before meeting her in the hallway. She saw that my husband was in my room (he had gone to bed in his own room much earlier in the night and she knew that). She asked if I was OK and I said yes and that Daddy and I were just talking. I have casually mentioned to her in the past that Daddy and I sometimes catch up on talking in the middle of the night if we both can't sleep - not true really, but just wanted to cover the basis in case she ever went to the bathroom and noticed that he was not in his room. Soooo, I went completely BLANK and couldn't come up with anything better to say. She seemed fine with it all and just went back to bed.

I have seriously lost 10 years off my life. I was JUST going to be having "the talk" with her in the next couple of weeks. She's up to speed with puberty info as she's very mature and has had her period regularly for a few months. So I want to have that talk but I absolutely don't want her connecting all the dots after last night. She is very innocent and we monitor what she watches VERY VERY carefully. I don't believe she has an idea what sex is at this point.

So, smart Mommies, where do I go from here so as not to ruin her psychologically for the rest of her life? PS - I'm already damaged from this beyond repair!

1 mom found this helpful

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Featured Answers

I would have the talk with her. I would also be shocked if she doesn't know what sex is by 11, at least if she's in school! (I was incredibly sheltered and grew up in the 80s, but even I knew what sex was by 11 :) She's at the age where she's going to start realizing her parents have sex. If you don't make a big deal of it, though, she probably won't either.

7 moms found this helpful

I'd lighten up and not make a big deal out of this.

She is 11 and by now she can put 2 and 2 together to know what you are doing. Don't be fooled by that. Kids as young as 11 are exploring and it is talked about in schools among the kids.

If you continue to make such a big deal out of it, you will imprint in her mind that sex is dirty and that is the last thinkg you want to do.

Be open and honest with her. Communicate with her... she needs to know you will be honest with her and talk... Many things will come up later on when she needs to talk to you. Let this be the start if you have not been communicating with her the past 11 yrs.

5 moms found this helpful

my 4 year old walked in on us and demanded that we 'STOP WRESTLING!!!'
relax, take a deep breath and don't rush to do damage control. it's no biggie.
:) khairete
S.

4 moms found this helpful

More Answers

Do you watch Modern Family? In one episode the parents were so busted.. The parents had a harder time than the kids. The kids knew what was going on but the parents were completely freaked out.

Go ahead and have the talk as planned. Eventually she is going to figure it out. Sex is natural and kids need to know we are not ashamed of it. You will be setting the tone for how she feels about it as she grows up.

I remember my husband telling me his parents bed was right above his bed upstairs and it drove him crazy when they were having sex.. I would love to tell his parents..

Anyway in a way I think kids feel reassured to know their parents are still attracted to each other even though tat the same time it repulses them.

7 moms found this helpful

I would have the talk with her. I would also be shocked if she doesn't know what sex is by 11, at least if she's in school! (I was incredibly sheltered and grew up in the 80s, but even I knew what sex was by 11 :) She's at the age where she's going to start realizing her parents have sex. If you don't make a big deal of it, though, she probably won't either.

7 moms found this helpful

My daughter learned at 8 what sex is. She totally busted us once and we do bondage. She didn't see anything b/c of our high bed posts, but she was worried about me. My hubby met her at the door and said "Your mom is fine. We're having sex." O.M.G.!!!!! I was so mad at him!!! She's 10!!
But.... she knows what sex is and that it's between mommies and daddies.
Before she knew what sex was, we told her that we were having a tickle fight.

7 moms found this helpful

I'd lighten up and not make a big deal out of this.

She is 11 and by now she can put 2 and 2 together to know what you are doing. Don't be fooled by that. Kids as young as 11 are exploring and it is talked about in schools among the kids.

If you continue to make such a big deal out of it, you will imprint in her mind that sex is dirty and that is the last thinkg you want to do.

Be open and honest with her. Communicate with her... she needs to know you will be honest with her and talk... Many things will come up later on when she needs to talk to you. Let this be the start if you have not been communicating with her the past 11 yrs.

5 moms found this helpful

LOL - funny story - I thought we were past the walking in moments until this weekend, and my 2 year old grandson walked in on us.... Hubby wasn't even aware until I said "um, honey, look over there".... Ha ha ha ha!

4 moms found this helpful

Well, a wonderful child psychologist told me that when these things happen, not to make too big a deal out of it and NEVER try to give too much information on adult terms.
I would hold off on having the talk or she will connect what happened with it.
Just my opinion.
She seemed fine with it and went back to bed.
I remember being a little kid and hearing my parents having sex. Our rooms were very close, they tried to be quiet, and although I didn't know all the mechanics of it, I had a pretty good idea what was going on. The difference between me and your daughter is that I NEVER would have knocked on the door. IF they were doing what I thought, I didn't want them to know I knew.
She's 11 and you've been careful, but I can pretty much guarantee that she knows hanky panky goes on.
Regardless, what happens in your bedroom when the door is locked isn't any of her business.
Have your husband give you a backrub in the living room while you're watching TV and let her hear you say that it feels good. Moan a little if it feels like it. My daughter used to come running if she heard me moaning. There I'd be sitting on the floor with my husband rubbing my shoulders.
Your daughter won't be traumatized by this. Don't make a bigger deal of it than you should or she will REALLY be listening at the door.
Adults go in their rooms and lock the door for many reasons, none of which are her concern.
You do not need to explain to her what you do when the door is closed and locked. That's too much adult information.
I would put the "talk" off for a while. Start with how her own body works first. She already knows about bodies changing, etc. Like I said, she already knows how babies are made whether you want her to or not.
I think you did the right thing by telling her you were okay. And so what if she saw your husband in your room. Most moms and dads sleep together every night.
Don't be embarrassed or act like you've done something wrong, because you haven't.
She'll be fine. Just don't feel the need to explain yourself. You did the right thing under the circumstances.
I'm sure there must be a good book about this, but in the meantime, what happens in your bedroom doesn't concern her and she doesn't need an explanation.
Explaining sex is one thing, but that doesn't mean she needs to know anything about what you do. Or when.

You'll all be okay. You really will.

4 moms found this helpful

I think you are making way too much out of this. My two oldest daugthers, 11 and 8, know that mommy and daddy do have alone time together. They know sometimes we take showers together (yes, they heard us and even were aware of us both in the shower at the same time...not a big deal ). They know that God designed mommies and daddies to come together in a special way only meant for married people. My oldest and I will be having more talks this summer as she will be entering middle school in the fall but they only know the basic of basics. They don't know about intercourse and specifics like that but they do know we lock the door sometimes and have special time only meant for mommy and daddy.

I agree that your daughter needs to be talked to but it sounds like she accepted what you told her for now. That should be enough...but as she is about to enter middle school very soon, you will need to discuss the mechanics of how our bodies work and come together, perhaps over the summer. She will likely hear all kinds of false information from her classmates and it's best to be honest and let her hear it from you.

Sex is a natural act. It's normal. I understand your embarrassment or your reluctance to talk openly to her...but it needs to be done. It will establish a foundation for her what sex really is, what it should not be about, and if you are a Christian, now is the best time to advocate abstinence before marriage, and begin instilling morals about her body and how it should be shared with others. Ask her school guidance counselor for the material that will be used for the sex education program. That might give a direction for you to take to introduce the topic. Also, check at your local book store for books on how to approach the topic. Good luck.

4 moms found this helpful

my 4 year old walked in on us and demanded that we 'STOP WRESTLING!!!'
relax, take a deep breath and don't rush to do damage control. it's no biggie.
:) khairete
S.

4 moms found this helpful

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