February 15, 2011,
T.S. asks from Ironton, OH on February 12, 2008
My Daughter Has Decided She Is Gay! Please No More Advice!
My daughter is 21 years old and she has always been a beautiful, modest, moral person who has never done drugs, smoked, or drank alcohol. She is very smart, beautiful (not just prejudice), and has always been very wise for her age. About 3 weeks ago I found out accidentally that a friend that she works with (a 43 year old lesbian) had brought a lesbian movie over for her to watch! I was furious! I began asking questions and much to my disbelief she told me she was very confused and she thought she was in love with this older woman. My daughter just broke off a 5 year relationship with her high school sweetheart and they became engaged about a year ago. He is extremely confused and very hurt (you can only imagine). He says the reason she ended it with him is because of the influence this older woman has had over my daughter. She has her confused about her identity because she has been attracted to my daughter since she began working with her 2 years ago. I just found out this week that they plan to live together! I am so hurt and so angry but I don't know what to do! I have tried talking to her, I have cried until I have no more tears and I have even threatened this "other" woman, but it has only driven me and my daughter apart. If anyone has any advice or knows of anyone in a similar situation, please help! I do not know of anyone who has experienced this and I have no idea what to do next. I am not only in fear of my daughter contracting who knows what from this woman, but I am also in fear of her losing her soul! PLEASE HELP!
2 moms found this helpful
So What Happened?™
I would first like to say that for those of you who are Christians, thank you for your heart felt advice. For the rest of you, YOU have no idea what we are talking about because you don't know God the way that we do. Someone suggested that I should accept this and that Jesus ate with the sinners. YES he did eat with the sinners, he didn't become one, he didn't tell them what they were doing was ok, he didn't tell them to continue, he PREACHED THE GOSPEL in hopes of saving their souls! He destroyed Sodom and Gamora (spelling?) because of this very thing. Yes there were many other reasons but this was spoken about in the bible and it is not and will NOT EVER be acceptable behavior in God's eyes. He didn't put Adam and Adam on this earth, nor did he put Eve and Eve, he put Adam and Eve on this earth in the beginning for one reason and one reason only, to procreate and we have completely destroyed and ignored his request. For those of you who said it sounds like my soul is in jeopardy, PLEASE, read the bible! For those of you who said it sounds like I'm not loving my daughter and being a mother to her by showing unconditional love, I have given her my home, all the furniture in it, and paying the rent on it so that both of them can live together in happiness and bliss, so PLEASE don't pretend to act like you know what is going on. I came to this website hoping for some kindness and understanding, instead, many of you have been rude, judgmental of me (like I've done something wrong) and given advice that was clearly not coming from a Christian heart, (Ms. Romance, I put the O in Romance, advice whoever you are!) Just so you know, I DO love my daughter unconditionally, if I didn't I wouldn't be giving her and this other woman my home. I have practically raised my daughter on my own and she and I have been there for each other when no one else has. I have given to her things when I couldn't afford to pay the bills. I have done without (just like now) so she can have what makes her happy. I KNOW who she is and this other woman has brain washed her into believing she is something she's not. This other woman is EVIL, manipulative, nasty, and repulsive. I will NEVER accept her, I NEVER want to see her face again, hear her voice again and the ONLY thing that will make me truly happy will be the day when my daughter calls me to tell me they are finished, and it will happen! I am unsubscribing to this website, so your comments will only be read amongst yourselves. Have at it lesbian lovers!
S.A. answers from Raleigh on February 12, 2008
First of all, your daughter's sexuality is nobody's business but her own - this includes you. It is great that she felt comfortable telling you... hopefully your reaction hasn't damaged your relationship with her.
I understand being worried about disease - but simply being a lesbian does not mean that the other woman carries disease. Anyone (male/female, straight/bi/gay) can carry an STD. Here is some info on STD's (INCLUDING STD's and lesbians) http://wso.williams.edu/orgs/peerh/sex/std/
Your daughter's soul is between her and her god. It has nothing to do with you - much as her sexuality has nothing to do with you. Both issues are hers alone to come to terms with.
Your efforts to thwart your daughter's relationship with the older woman are only going to push your daughter away. You have said that she said she was confused. If you keep trying to push your beliefs on her, you will surely push her into the arms of the older woman. Try supporting her - you can support her and accept her regardless of your personal beliefs. Give her time and space to figure out her sexuality. If she ends up deciding that she wants to be a lesbian - then accept and love your daughter - WHO she is does not change because she decides to be intimate with women instead of men.
There is a support group for Parents, Families and Friends of Gay and Lesbian people. I think this would be a good resource for you - they have a lot of information that will help correct your misconceptions about Lesbianism and can also help you cope with the bombshell your daughter dropped.
It's called PFLAG.
Here is their site: http://www.pflag.org/
They also have a page of Do's and Don't's for when a loved one "comes out" to you... you might find this useful....
May you find peace and love in your heart for your daughter - regardless of how she chooses to live HER life.
The information about the several affairs was provided AFTER I responded and would have been helpful to know up front. it does make your concerns a bit more understandable. Knowing that doesn't really change my response - except to say that perhaps you could pass along the STD info (and how to protect herself in a lesbian relationship) to your daughter. Just because you know about STD's doesn't mean your daughter knows everything there is to know - and being new to lesbianism - she may not realize some of the ways the diseases are contracted.
I don't understand how she is losing her identity - it seems to me she is actually asserting her identity and figuring out who she really is... not losing it. I went through something similar (though I wasn't a lesbian) and ended up figuring out that I preferred men - so I can somewhat relate to your daughter's experimentation.
3 moms found this helpful
T.B. answers from Chattanooga on February 13, 2008
You need to support your daughter, it is her choice and her life. The only thing that you can do is pray, and LOVE her for WHO she IS, not WHO she ISN'T.
2 moms found this helpful
L.N. answers from Nashville on February 12, 2008
Love her. Love her. Love her.
Hear from a woman who went through horrible turmoil with my father, which ultimately led to the fracturing of our relationship and many lost years. I desperately wanted a dad and he couldn't accept who I was (a young divorced mom). It was only recently, when my father had a terrible accident, that we have been able to reconcile. I can not tell you how much I wish I could have that lost time back and I can comfortably say that he feels the same.
We lost a lot of time.
Remember - it was Jesus who supped with the misfits of society. He did not reject them, he loved them.
Love her and let God be concerned with her soul. It is He who ultimately will reach her, when she is ready.
2 moms found this helpful
N.B. answers from Raleigh on February 13, 2008
whenever we are reacting strongly, it is about us....your daughter is an adult you need to love her and be there for her.
the more you anticipate that something bad is going to come of her choices the more toxic you are for her to be around.
strengthen your ability to love her, and try to examine your strong aversion to lesbianism....we are all made of goodness in the image of love. Practice loving everyone involved in this situation and it will become filled with Grace, not hurt.
2 moms found this helpful
C.C. answers from Knoxville on February 13, 2008
I understand your concern about your daughter's soul - but remember, God loves her even more than you do and He is not willing to loose her. I agree with the moms who say LOVE her - but I do NOT believe that she "can't help who she is" - homosexuality is a choice and yes, this older woman is taking advantage of your daughter. But just think how you would feel if it was an older man who was taking advantage, and being a bad influence on her - you would still be distraught. The thing to remember is that homosexuality is a sin like any other - no better, no worse. Somehow you must show you daughter that you love her no matter what, but you disapprove of this situation - then PRAY, PRAY, PRAY!!! Go to www.cbd.com and look for books on this subject. Talk to your pastor or other trusted Christian mentor, and have people help you intercede on her behalf. God CAN bring her through this!
2 moms found this helpful
B.B. answers from Lexington on February 12, 2008
Ok. First of all. Not all lesbians have a disease. You need to give her some time and LOVE. No more threats, no more demands. You need to let her figure out what she wants out of life. You need to support her on whatever she chooses also. My best friend of 18 years is a lesbian. She owns a house with her girlfriend and they recently had a baby. She is very unconventional and VERY spiritual. In no way do I see her going to hell, losing her soul or as any type of disease carrier. I on the other hand am married with 2 kids and they both know her and her girlfriend as 'aunt'. If she is confused and is having any type of identity crisis, you being unsupportive is only going to hurt the relationship you have with her. Give her time.
1 mom found this helpful
D.B. answers from San Antonio on February 12, 2008
I think you have reason to be concerned. I think this woman has incredible influence over her and may be confusing her. She may see her as a mother type for some reason as well. I think young people go through such a confusing time in there life and this woman has hit her at that right time. Unfortunately, she's an adult and there not much you can do to stop it. I know you are worried about her health but she could've gotten something from her boyfriend just as easily. I agree that it seems that certain lifestyles open one up to a higher risk of illnesses, and I can see your concern.
And if she is a born again Christian, this will not cost her her soul, she is off the path that God would have for her, but she will not lose her salvation. It's a gift given by her Father and one He doesn't take away when she sins or strays off the path, thank you Lord. How impossible would it be to live a sin free life, always worried that we broke a commandment or did something that would send us to hell forever. His salvation is permanent & forever and she has that assurance if she has accepted Christ as her Lord and Savior. He is not pleased with His daughter right now, but He loves her still and will not turn her away.
At this point, giving it over to God may be all you can do. I would try & keep lines of communication open with her, but put your limits on it. I know there will be people that will flame me for this, but if any of my children entered into this relationship, I would have to set limits based on my belief. I would love them as much as ever, but doesn't mean I have to approve of what they are doing...same as if they were having an affair in a heterosexual relationship. Sin is sin. And yes it will be hard but you could practice tough love, cut off communication until such and such (whatever you decide such and such is)...it's up to you.
This is hard T., I can feel your pain. I have not had to go through this so I'm just advising without experiencing. I have concerns of this older womans intentions. I have concerns over your daughter vulnerability especially after a breakup. Seems she was pretty young starting that relationship and this woman may be twisting words to confuse her by making her think she's this way because she never gave it a try. I don't know...I'm just babbling I know. Just love her, tell her you love her, but tell her how you feel as well, that you can't accept this relationship and take it from there.
Keep me updated on what's happening. You can email me privately if you want.
1 mom found this helpful
S.D. answers from Nashville on February 13, 2008
One of my life long best friends is a lesbian. She is in a relationship with a wonderful woman who adores her. They have had a happy healthy relationship for much longer than most of my straight friends. Don't forget that this is your daughter who you love more than life itself. Be very careful and choose your words wisely. You would not want to do anything to alienate her or destroy that wonderful mother daughter relationship. If this woman that she is involved with is not right for her you want to keep the lines of communication open with your daughter so that she will be able to come to you when she needs you. It is sometimes very tough as a parent to let our children make mistakes and find their own life path. You are in my prayers. Here is a website that you may find helpful. http://www.pflag.org/
1 mom found this helpful
E.W. answers from Greensboro on February 13, 2008
Has hard as it is for a parent to let their child learn life lessons on their own, I think this may be one of those times. Your daughter is 21 years old and she has grown up in a differnt time then when you grew up. Just because she is confused right now does not mean she will always be. She will grow and find herself and this is something she will do on her own. All of us go through phases. Just be there for her. If she does decide this is the life she wants then I am sure you will find a way to love and respect her for who she is.
1 mom found this helpful
J.H. answers from New York on February 15, 2011
When 12 year daughter had waist length hair She had lot of older boys coming to her for dates to stop boys asking for my daughter for dates I just forced my daughter to cut her waist length hair very short like a boy and got rid her dresses and girls clothes. I made her wear boys clothes .I transformed my daughter into a boy My daughter will only date girls from now on I made my daughter into a lesbian
L.C. answers from Charlotte on February 12, 2008
My only advice is to Love your daugther regardless of her sexuality.
Let her know you are their for her and that you are concerned for her well being but let her make her own choices and learn from her mistakes. She is after all 21.
L.N. answers from Wilmington on February 15, 2008
I have a 16 year old daughter and I had heard from a friend of hers that she was having sex with girls. I was upset and talked to my duaghter's councelor about it and she told me that most girls her age are curious and that I needed to tell her how I felt about it, but to also tell her that I love her and that I would stand behind her no matter what. It's been 6 months and now she has gotten it out of her system and she has a boyfriend. I hope everything works out for you.
L.P. answers from Louisville on February 14, 2008
What makes you think this woman has a disease- just the fact that she's gay? Were you this worried about your daughter with her high school sweetheart?
I can imagine that you are surprised and upset, but if your daughter really is gay and you continue to say things about her losing her soul and contracting dirty lesbian cooties, you are going to drive her away for good.
The fact of the matter is, your daughter is an adult. All you can do is tell her you love and support her no matter what. She has to live her own life and figure things out for herself. Stay out of it. Be there for her if things don't work out.
Would you feel the same way if it were an older man? Why don't you try to get to know this woman? Maybe she really does care for your daughter. Gay people are PEOPLE just like me and you.
M.S. answers from Rocky Mount on February 14, 2008
I am a romance specialist and becoming a lesbian is a fact of life. You need to be there and support her. If you support her decision she will love you for ever and talk to you about this. If your discusted by it you may lose the best relationship you have with your daughter. She is an adult. Do you feel this other women may have something because she is gay? Yes, I understand there is tons of stds and aids out there. You as a mother should support her and help her get recent checks, only if she wants the help. This is the 20th century not the old fashion school way. There is Gays in this world there is mmf,ffm,mmff, its all around and no one is going to stop just because their mothers do not approve. I may sound harsh but this is the TRUTH. They say truth does hurt. It's just not the standard missionary positions anymore. People are very curious and Love comes in all generations differently. Got to take into account that the men in this world today can be rude and cruel there is not alot of GREAT men left..and if they are they are probably already taken. But, Also have to look at women want pleasure, not just romance. Men are like microwaves and women are crockpots. To receive pleasure who would know better what a women wants and needs but A WOMEN! My Job is the help relationships spice it up. I put the O in Romance, I try to help couples stay together. It's just a fact of life if its not going to work, its not going to. She could just be bi-curious and really want to know what its like. If she does have a relationship with this women it may or may not work out.
BE THERE FOR HER, support her! and do not say I told you so, if it does not work out.
K.W. answers from Memphis on February 12, 2008
Weeping, yelling, and causing scenes will only drive your daughter further away from you. You won't solve anything that way. And really, there's nothing for you to solve. Your daughter has to figure out her sexuality, and it has absolutely nothing to do with you. I know that sounds harsh, but it's just the truth.
Why are you afraid of her contracting a disease from the older woman? Would you have those same fears if your daughter were seeing an older man? Were you afraid of your daughter catching something when she was with the high school boyfriend? There's really no greater risk in either situation, with today's sexuality being so "free".
It seems very clear that your fear of your daughter discovering she's a lesbian is so great that it is clouding your judgement. The best thing you can do, as hard as it will be, is to hold your tongue... unless you're telling your daughter you love her.
And if your daughter DOES turn out to be a lesbian, and your personal beliefs are so strong that you cannot accept her and her lifestyle, then you will have to handle it at that time. But don't make the mistake of driving her away while she's trying to figure things out. Words, once said, can never be unsaid.
A.R. answers from Chattanooga on February 14, 2008
You have received some excellent advice and I do not know that I can tell you anything more helpful than what you have already been told. You need to accept that maybe this IS who she is. As a Christian you are meant to teach your daughter about what you believe is right, not demand she adhere to it. She is a grown woman. It's her choice. It sounds to me like you have a wonderful daughter who is simply going through a rough time in her life. Trust her. You should not threaten the other woman. You never should have. That was perhaps the worst thing you could have done. I am not saying you should pretend to be okay with it. I think you should go in and talk to BOTH of them. Apologize. Tell them you do not understand and you do not know that you can, but you are willing to try and find a way to have a relationship with them. Yes, THEM. Your daughter will respect you immensely for being open minded but still honest. You can tell them both that you fear for THEIR souls, based on your beliefs, but that you are aware they have their own minds. You will pray for them. Do not tell them that you wish they weren't together. Just try to be as accepting as you can be, but remain open and honest.
I wish you the best of luck!
I.N. answers from Raleigh on February 12, 2008
Accept your daughter for who she is, no matter what. If she's a lesbian, or even if she doesn't believe in god (much to the dismay of Joy- see her opinion here, too), she's still our daughter. Your daughter is an adult and makes her own life choices now. Do you really want to make your relationship worse? It sounds like it's strained already.
A.S. answers from Chattanooga on February 14, 2008
Clearly you love your daughter with all of your heart. I am personally a live and let live type person and my only thought is that your daughter is at an age where she is trying to find her way. Any disapproval on your part may drive her away. This may be for life----or, it may just be a phase. I think that all you can do is tactfully give her advice and then just see what happens. This may play out over time. One thing is for certain, if you say the wrong thing and she stays with this woman then you can never take the words back. Man or woman love interest, this will be a lesson in keeping your opinions limited for the sake of keeping the peace. It is unclear to me why family will often listen to outsiders before the family that loves them the most, but for some reason "love" (ugh) always seems to win out over simple common sense.
G.C. answers from Asheville on February 16, 2008
I wonder what you are really worried about? I think what you need to look at is what makes her happy and then support her decision. I am not saying this is easy, but by pushing her away you are making her decision that much harder. She is going to have people's hate surround her. What she needs now is her mother love even if you don't agree.