19 answers

My Daughter Has Decided She Is Gay! Please No More Advice!

My daughter is 21 years old and she has always been a beautiful, modest, moral person who has never done drugs, smoked, or drank alcohol. She is very smart, beautiful (not just prejudice), and has always been very wise for her age. About 3 weeks ago I found out accidentally that a friend that she works with (a 43 year old lesbian) had brought a lesbian movie over for her to watch! I was furious! I began asking questions and much to my disbelief she told me she was very confused and she thought she was in love with this older woman. My daughter just broke off a 5 year relationship with her high school sweetheart and they became engaged about a year ago. He is extremely confused and very hurt (you can only imagine). He says the reason she ended it with him is because of the influence this older woman has had over my daughter. She has her confused about her identity because she has been attracted to my daughter since she began working with her 2 years ago. I just found out this week that they plan to live together! I am so hurt and so angry but I don't know what to do! I have tried talking to her, I have cried until I have no more tears and I have even threatened this "other" woman, but it has only driven me and my daughter apart. If anyone has any advice or knows of anyone in a similar situation, please help! I do not know of anyone who has experienced this and I have no idea what to do next. I am not only in fear of my daughter contracting who knows what from this woman, but I am also in fear of her losing her soul! PLEASE HELP!

2 moms found this helpful

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

I would first like to say that for those of you who are Christians, thank you for your heart felt advice. For the rest of you, YOU have no idea what we are talking about because you don't know God the way that we do. Someone suggested that I should accept this and that Jesus ate with the sinners. YES he did eat with the sinners, he didn't become one, he didn't tell them what they were doing was ok, he didn't tell them to continue, he PREACHED THE GOSPEL in hopes of saving their souls! He destroyed Sodom and Gamora (spelling?) because of this very thing. Yes there were many other reasons but this was spoken about in the bible and it is not and will NOT EVER be acceptable behavior in God's eyes. He didn't put Adam and Adam on this earth, nor did he put Eve and Eve, he put Adam and Eve on this earth in the beginning for one reason and one reason only, to procreate and we have completely destroyed and ignored his request. For those of you who said it sounds like my soul is in jeopardy, PLEASE, read the bible! For those of you who said it sounds like I'm not loving my daughter and being a mother to her by showing unconditional love, I have given her my home, all the furniture in it, and paying the rent on it so that both of them can live together in happiness and bliss, so PLEASE don't pretend to act like you know what is going on. I came to this website hoping for some kindness and understanding, instead, many of you have been rude, judgmental of me (like I've done something wrong) and given advice that was clearly not coming from a Christian heart, (Ms. Romance, I put the O in Romance, advice whoever you are!) Just so you know, I DO love my daughter unconditionally, if I didn't I wouldn't be giving her and this other woman my home. I have practically raised my daughter on my own and she and I have been there for each other when no one else has. I have given to her things when I couldn't afford to pay the bills. I have done without (just like now) so she can have what makes her happy. I KNOW who she is and this other woman has brain washed her into believing she is something she's not. This other woman is EVIL, manipulative, nasty, and repulsive. I will NEVER accept her, I NEVER want to see her face again, hear her voice again and the ONLY thing that will make me truly happy will be the day when my daughter calls me to tell me they are finished, and it will happen! I am unsubscribing to this website, so your comments will only be read amongst yourselves. Have at it lesbian lovers!

More Answers

First of all, your daughter's sexuality is nobody's business but her own - this includes you. It is great that she felt comfortable telling you... hopefully your reaction hasn't damaged your relationship with her.

I understand being worried about disease - but simply being a lesbian does not mean that the other woman carries disease. Anyone (male/female, straight/bi/gay) can carry an STD. Here is some info on STD's (INCLUDING STD's and lesbians) http://wso.williams.edu/orgs/peerh/sex/std/

Your daughter's soul is between her and her god. It has nothing to do with you - much as her sexuality has nothing to do with you. Both issues are hers alone to come to terms with.

Your efforts to thwart your daughter's relationship with the older woman are only going to push your daughter away. You have said that she said she was confused. If you keep trying to push your beliefs on her, you will surely push her into the arms of the older woman. Try supporting her - you can support her and accept her regardless of your personal beliefs. Give her time and space to figure out her sexuality. If she ends up deciding that she wants to be a lesbian - then accept and love your daughter - WHO she is does not change because she decides to be intimate with women instead of men.

There is a support group for Parents, Families and Friends of Gay and Lesbian people. I think this would be a good resource for you - they have a lot of information that will help correct your misconceptions about Lesbianism and can also help you cope with the bombshell your daughter dropped.
It's called PFLAG.

Here is their site: http://www.pflag.org/

They also have a page of Do's and Don't's for when a loved one "comes out" to you... you might find this useful....

http://www.pflag.org/Dos_and_Don_ts_For_Family_and_Friend...

May you find peace and love in your heart for your daughter - regardless of how she chooses to live HER life.

EDIT/ADDITION:
The information about the several affairs was provided AFTER I responded and would have been helpful to know up front. it does make your concerns a bit more understandable. Knowing that doesn't really change my response - except to say that perhaps you could pass along the STD info (and how to protect herself in a lesbian relationship) to your daughter. Just because you know about STD's doesn't mean your daughter knows everything there is to know - and being new to lesbianism - she may not realize some of the ways the diseases are contracted.

I don't understand how she is losing her identity - it seems to me she is actually asserting her identity and figuring out who she really is... not losing it. I went through something similar (though I wasn't a lesbian) and ended up figuring out that I preferred men - so I can somewhat relate to your daughter's experimentation.

3 moms found this helpful

You need to support your daughter, it is her choice and her life. The only thing that you can do is pray, and LOVE her for WHO she IS, not WHO she ISN'T.

2 moms found this helpful

Love her. Love her. Love her.

Hear from a woman who went through horrible turmoil with my father, which ultimately led to the fracturing of our relationship and many lost years. I desperately wanted a dad and he couldn't accept who I was (a young divorced mom). It was only recently, when my father had a terrible accident, that we have been able to reconcile. I can not tell you how much I wish I could have that lost time back and I can comfortably say that he feels the same.

We lost a lot of time.

Remember - it was Jesus who supped with the misfits of society. He did not reject them, he loved them.

Love her and let God be concerned with her soul. It is He who ultimately will reach her, when she is ready.

2 moms found this helpful

whenever we are reacting strongly, it is about us....your daughter is an adult you need to love her and be there for her.
the more you anticipate that something bad is going to come of her choices the more toxic you are for her to be around.
strengthen your ability to love her, and try to examine your strong aversion to lesbianism....we are all made of goodness in the image of love. Practice loving everyone involved in this situation and it will become filled with Grace, not hurt.

2 moms found this helpful

I understand your concern about your daughter's soul - but remember, God loves her even more than you do and He is not willing to loose her. I agree with the moms who say LOVE her - but I do NOT believe that she "can't help who she is" - homosexuality is a choice and yes, this older woman is taking advantage of your daughter. But just think how you would feel if it was an older man who was taking advantage, and being a bad influence on her - you would still be distraught. The thing to remember is that homosexuality is a sin like any other - no better, no worse. Somehow you must show you daughter that you love her no matter what, but you disapprove of this situation - then PRAY, PRAY, PRAY!!! Go to www.cbd.com and look for books on this subject. Talk to your pastor or other trusted Christian mentor, and have people help you intercede on her behalf. God CAN bring her through this!

2 moms found this helpful

Ok. First of all. Not all lesbians have a disease. You need to give her some time and LOVE. No more threats, no more demands. You need to let her figure out what she wants out of life. You need to support her on whatever she chooses also. My best friend of 18 years is a lesbian. She owns a house with her girlfriend and they recently had a baby. She is very unconventional and VERY spiritual. In no way do I see her going to hell, losing her soul or as any type of disease carrier. I on the other hand am married with 2 kids and they both know her and her girlfriend as 'aunt'. If she is confused and is having any type of identity crisis, you being unsupportive is only going to hurt the relationship you have with her. Give her time.

1 mom found this helpful

I think you have reason to be concerned. I think this woman has incredible influence over her and may be confusing her. She may see her as a mother type for some reason as well. I think young people go through such a confusing time in there life and this woman has hit her at that right time. Unfortunately, she's an adult and there not much you can do to stop it. I know you are worried about her health but she could've gotten something from her boyfriend just as easily. I agree that it seems that certain lifestyles open one up to a higher risk of illnesses, and I can see your concern.

And if she is a born again Christian, this will not cost her her soul, she is off the path that God would have for her, but she will not lose her salvation. It's a gift given by her Father and one He doesn't take away when she sins or strays off the path, thank you Lord. How impossible would it be to live a sin free life, always worried that we broke a commandment or did something that would send us to hell forever. His salvation is permanent & forever and she has that assurance if she has accepted Christ as her Lord and Savior. He is not pleased with His daughter right now, but He loves her still and will not turn her away.

At this point, giving it over to God may be all you can do. I would try & keep lines of communication open with her, but put your limits on it. I know there will be people that will flame me for this, but if any of my children entered into this relationship, I would have to set limits based on my belief. I would love them as much as ever, but doesn't mean I have to approve of what they are doing...same as if they were having an affair in a heterosexual relationship. Sin is sin. And yes it will be hard but you could practice tough love, cut off communication until such and such (whatever you decide such and such is)...it's up to you.

This is hard T., I can feel your pain. I have not had to go through this so I'm just advising without experiencing. I have concerns of this older womans intentions. I have concerns over your daughter vulnerability especially after a breakup. Seems she was pretty young starting that relationship and this woman may be twisting words to confuse her by making her think she's this way because she never gave it a try. I don't know...I'm just babbling I know. Just love her, tell her you love her, but tell her how you feel as well, that you can't accept this relationship and take it from there.

Keep me updated on what's happening. You can email me privately if you want.

1 mom found this helpful

One of my life long best friends is a lesbian. She is in a relationship with a wonderful woman who adores her. They have had a happy healthy relationship for much longer than most of my straight friends. Don't forget that this is your daughter who you love more than life itself. Be very careful and choose your words wisely. You would not want to do anything to alienate her or destroy that wonderful mother daughter relationship. If this woman that she is involved with is not right for her you want to keep the lines of communication open with your daughter so that she will be able to come to you when she needs you. It is sometimes very tough as a parent to let our children make mistakes and find their own life path. You are in my prayers. Here is a website that you may find helpful. http://www.pflag.org/

1 mom found this helpful

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