My Daughter Has a Fear of Failure

M.,

I have a seven year old son who has some of these same problems. He's frequently afraid to try new things partially because of an unfamiliar setting, new kids, new requirements and the feeling that he might not do things perfectly. We have had numerous talks about trying new things doesn't mean he should know how to do them and be perfect at them. That it is about learning new things and making mistakes was part of how he would learn these things. We have also tried to make him comfortable with a new setting by taking him there in advance, with new teachers/coaches etc. my introducing him in advance. Where possible, we try to sign him up with a buddy he already knows. Maybe you could even sign her up for a private lesson or two before the class starts to build her confidence in what is expected of her. Good Luck.

B.

If she wants to try gymnastics, take her to the class, walk her in and leave. Some kids wont do things if their parents are there watching. She may be afraid of what you might think of how she does it. After she gets the feel for things, then maybe you can watch. If you don't want to leave her, act like you are, and then peek around the corner but don't let her know. It may just be that she is uncomfortable because she doesn't know anyone. If you aren't there to be her support, she'll find someone to talk to to help fill that void while you are gone. They make friends much easier when we aren't watching. Hope this helps.

Ok, here's my advice, since you asked! ")

I have a 7 year old boy who is quite similar. But I disagree that she has to be involved in something active. She just may not be athletic. My son does NOT like sports. He has no interest or desire to play anything other than swinging and running in the yard. It was a little difficult for my overly athletic husband at first, but we realize that he likes other things.

Find out if she likes art, music, science, etc. There are TONS of really fabulous summercamps here in Birmingham that she could get involved in for one or two weeks this summer. Expose her to other things. She might not like soccer of gymnastics, but as long as you're feeding her healthy foods, living an active live, she won't get chubby. Allow her to express herself in something that might not be the standard fare. You might be surprised at how her confidence grows if you find the "right" fit for her.

We realized my son loves science and art. We encouraged that, and now he lists his "talents" as "reading, science, swinging, being kind, and art" and he wants to be a "mechanical engineer for a job and an artist for fun" when he grows up. Who knew?!?

My sons are 17 and 19...the 19 year old had the same problem. I finally made him go to Boy Scouts and he is now an Eagle Scout and in his sophomore year at the United States Naval Academy. The 17 year old would try anything...my only rule for him had to be "you can try it but if you don't like it you have to finish the season" At this point his problem is that he refuses to "suck up" and play politics to play High School sports...what can you say. I think he is going to run track this year as a senior, which is what we have tried to get him to do previously...less politics! The baby seems as though she will try anything, but she is only 2. Try to pick activities that go along with her personality. Good Luck!

The best advice I can give is to find out what your daughter actually likes and is interested in. Entirely too often, I have seen parents force children into activities they would have loved to be involved in when they were growing up, or otherwise try to get them to be something they just aren't.

Being concerned about her weight right now to me seems really horrible. I grew up with a mother who had a complex about her weight and then projected that onto me. There are much more important things parents need to worry about that what your child will weigh in 7 years.

Sometimes, parents are unaware of their over-achiever attitudes and being very high-pressure on children, who as a result of failure and criticism, shut down and become afraid of doing more because it won't be good enough to make mommy or daddy happy. Try to emphasize the fun aspect of things just for the sake of fun instead of being active so that she won't gain weight later on. Build her confidence with lots of enthusiastic reassurance, and get her friends involved in activities with her, too. She'll be much more inclined to feel comfortable doing things if she knows she has friends helping her along. Just make sure they're her real friends, and not some high-maintenance, the-world-revolves-around-me types, cause they may discourage her further.

My daughter, who is now 14, went through something simular. She became uncomfortable with being the center of attention and the competition associated with sports/dance. I encouraged her, but never forced her into a sport. After a couple years she got back into sports. I think both karate, and soccer helped her. She was able to be a part of a sport, but without having the competition associated within the team, if that makes sense? Now, today, she is totally active in sports. She loves softball, soccer, la cross, track, swimming. I think she is in a sport every season, even if its just going to the rec center with us working out. For my daugher, I think she just had to get through some insecurity with herself or due to some kind of peer pressure.

I agree with one of the other responses... that there are lots of other activities in which to be involved. I also have an almost 7 year old. She was involved in dance, etc in the past, but her interests have changed. She also shows no interest in participating in team sports, etc.
She now takes guitar lessons at the Y, and is doing quite well. She enjoys reading and writing short stories.
I have a feeling that she will be ready for sports in the next few years, as her confidence increases, but am not pushing her at this time. There is plenty of time for that down the road.
As for your concern about weight issues... just make sure that she is active, playing outside, taking family walks, etc. and explore the things that might interest her.
Hope this helps.

Try Tae Kwon Do. One of their rules is that quitting is not an option. They stress that you must try something new at least 100 times. The other good thing is that it is an individual sport and she can progress as she feels comfortable.