16 answers

My Daughter Doesn't Want to See Biological Father

I am married with three kids. My oldest is from another relationship. My husband has been raising my oldest since she was one. Her biological father has been in and out of her life for seven years and only comes around about ever two years. Well this year at Christmas time he wanted to see her. I have been fairly straight forward with her. Telling her that he just has never grown up and I don't know that he ever will. Of course it was in words that she would understand. We (my husband and I) asked her if she would want to see him and she told us no. Because of her decision, which I am extremly proud of, we have heard that he is seeking vistitations. he is not someone that needs her every other weekend. He is not responsible enough. His own family agrees with me. Does anyone have any suggestions or no any of the laws if a child doesn't want to see the father? Please help!

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

Does he know she doesn't want to see him? See if he will go to mediation, otherwise hope you get a judge who will listen to the child.

More Answers

I would sit down with the bio and discuss what he wants and try to come up with a reasonable compromise. I'm just afraid that the lawyers and court may take some of the comments that you say to be hostile towards the father and say that you turned her against him. I'm not saying that you did, but in this day in age, you have to be careful of what you say as anything can be used against you.

If your daughter doesn't want to see her, ask her why and then that that info to him in a calm manner and explain that you just want to respect your daughters wishes. Then tell him that maybe some time in the future, she may change her mind. She may want to get to know him.

Hope this helps.

1 mom found this helpful

If you think you need a lawyer, I actually am currently using one out of Olathe for my husband and I to get custody of his oldest daughter.
I think that if you can get his family on your side agreeing that he doesn't deserve visitation, you have it made. What more evidence would you need? If that doesn't work, maybe you should just agree to supervised visitation. That way, you and your husband could still be there for her while she's with her biological father.
Please doen't tell her anything negative about her father. It is her right to develop her own opinion.

In the state of Missouri if you were never married to the father, the mother has sole custody unless custody and visitation have been ordered through the court. My 7 yr old goes through spurts on seeing his biological father and I even had the school counselor talk to him about it. My ex only comes around and is consistent when it is football season b/c he is my son's coach. The other 9 months of the year we have to track him down like Magnum PI. The counselor said if the child has already determined in their mind that they don't want a relationship and they are ok with their life how it is, it's actually very healthy and adult of them. Alot of kids carry around unnecessary guilt about thier parents and if your daughter has come to this conclusion on her own then good for her! Maybe calling her school counselor and having a 3rd party involved may help...best of luck to you!

I do have a suggestion. I'm not an expert on this, but here lately I've been in family court for child support and have observed other cases. What I've heard the mothers do is make a case for why they feel visits should be supervised or why the father should not see the child at all. I understand that she may not want to see her father and I'd tell the judge as much. Who knows? The judge may deny visitation, grant him one supervised visit a month or whatever. Could you get him to sign off on his parental rights? That might be an option as well. Good luck!

It is going to depend on what state you live in and whether you and the father were ever married. In some states, Oklahoma for example, if the mother and father were never married, the mother assumes sole rights and sole custody. He is not intitled to anything. If he sues for visitation and presses the issue, you can always request supervised visitation. He is responsible for paying for the supervised part. Make sure it's someone with the court and not a family member. If you live in another state, you will definitely want to check with an attorney.
I am a single mom and am going through this with my daughter's biological father. I contacted my lawyers and that is exactly what they told me. Let me know if you have any more questions.

I would definitely talk to a lawyer. He may advise a child psychologist to talk to your daughter and on your behalf. I would also make it clear to him that I intended to fight this, and he may back off. Good luck, K..

The only thing I can think of is to seek a lawyer (for your daughter, not you) and have it legally documented and from your daughters own mouth that she does not wish to see her father. Hopefully that will stand up in court... I can't see why it wouldn't. She may even have to make her statement on the stand. However the legal system works, it is your daughters decision and not the biological fathers. My stepfather raised me from when I was 5. My biological father and your daughters biological father have a few things in common. When I got a lot older, I went to meet him and I wasn't missing too much. But you must make it stressed and noted that this is your daughters decision and not the biological fathers. Hope this helps and God Bless You and Your Family.

Does he know she doesn't want to see him? See if he will go to mediation, otherwise hope you get a judge who will listen to the child.

My real dad was in and out of my life from age 3 until 12. At 12 I told him I no longer wanted to see or talk to him. He accepted that and didn't come around. At 17 I contacted him and we started over in our relationship. We still aren't very close, but I make the effort to keep him in my life. I wish I would have had those years with my dad in some ways, but in other ways I am glad I didn't. I had to give up a lot of my time (friend's parties, social things) to go to my dad's. Maybe you could talk to your daughter and find out her true reasons and see if there is anything you can do to still allow them to maintain some sort of relationship. Best of luck. C.

I am not sure how old your daughter is, but both of my kids did the same thing when they were around 11 & 12. The difference for me was he did have visitation already, mine simply decided that they did not want to go there anymore. They were at an age where their friends were important, and they have school functions. He did not want any part of helping with that so they did not go at all. He got very pi--ed!! They have not seen him since, and they are 27 & 28. I also now have 2 grandchildren that he doesnt even know about. One more thing he did have to continue child support until each one turned 21; because they were in College. My advice is find a descent lawyer and fight the visitation! He is only doing it out of spite you know. I am assuming that you have sole custody of her. You can also try to get his family to go court or at least write a letter for you stating that he is unfit to have visitation. I do understand how you feel, at least you have your husband and your other children for support. Best of luck to you and your daughter. I will say a prayer for you both that he should have a change of heart and realize what is in her best interest is to stay with your family.
S.

I am a 27 year old mother of one nine year old daughter. I am also remarried. My ex is also very irresponsible, however because he lives 150 miles away, I do not have to worry about her seeing him all the time.
My ex does not press to see her often and phone conversations seem to suffice. My suggestion to you is only this: please be careful not to encourage her not to see her father. Make sure that decision is purely hers. Also, leave her out of all negotiations between you and your ex. Talk with her about her feelings and not about yours towards him.
Although he is immature, if she is not in danger around him, I would be careful not to completely eliminate him from her life. It could be something that haunts your family later on.

I wouldn't "pre-pain" on the visitation thing. I would be suprised if he went through all that trouble now. Even if he did assuming your daughter is a decent age the courts would take her opinion into consideration as well as his past history.

Good Luck

I am going through the same thing. Only my youngest of three children want to see their father. He is not consistent enough and he abandoned them. The way I understand it you are supposed to make the children see him. I am lucky to live in another state than him so visitations are very limited. Two of my children are also teenagers so in my opinion they are old enough to know whether they want to see someone or not. As far as I'm concerned he would have to take me to court and a judge tell my children they have to see him. But, one of my sons said that if I make him he'll run away.
I wish you the best of luck. In light of your husband raising your daughter for so long have you considered approaching her biological father to sign for adoption?
D.

I don't know about Kansas laws, but I believe that the basics are fairly similar. When the kids are old enough, they have a say in the visitation schedule. I believe it is around the age of 11 or 12 that they are considered old enough by the courts to have input. My parents divorced when I was 15, and I never went to see my dad after that. Your daughter may not be old enough to sway the decision, but her opinion may have some leverage to it. The fact that he is pretty much non-existant in her life, and that his family agrees with you, will probably be a very influencial bit in your favor. (By the way, this guy sounds exactly like my nephew's real dad, who gave up custody a few years ago. My nephew is now 8, and his dad hasn't wanted to see him since he was 3 months old.) A lawyer would be able to give you the best idea of legal standing with everything, but I hope everything works out for the best with you and for your daughter. Good luck!

You don't say where you are from, but if you are near the Peoria, IL area, I will recommend Dave Lynch as an attorney. He's rather blunt (F this and F that at times), but he's one of the best in the area and will do a good job for you.

Regardless of whatever advice you get here, you really need to seek the advice of a local attorney. He will know the bottom line, and can also advise you of the stance that the local courts will take.

I'm guessing that your daughter is about 8. Courts here will generally take into account a child's wishes once they are 12-13. However, in your circumstances, it will just be a judgement call from the judge. The judge will take your child into his chambers, without you or her Bio father. The attorneys may be allowed to witness, but they aren't allowed to say anything in there to sway her. Only the judge will be allowed to talk to her, and he will basically ask her questions to make sure that she understands what is going on, and that she doesn't want to see her bio dad. He will of course, have a statement from your attorney before the trial that will explain the history.

Dear M., It depends on her age, I think if she is 12 or older, she can make that decision. She probably would have to talk to the judge, and explain why she feels this way. Does your x pay child support? Contact a legal service for advice, they might be able to suggest some ideas.

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