My Daughter Doesn't Always Fit In

I have a 9 yo granddaughter. I also volunteer on the playground. My granddaughter is popular but yet she comes home at times crying because someone said something to her which hurt her feelings. These are young kids who haven't yet learned how to be polite. They are also approaching menses and their hormones are at work. I've seen an increase in tears over the last few months.

I was a shy girl who didn't fit in and spent my early years on into adulthood depressed off and on. In my 30's I learned that the way that I looked at things seriously affected the way I felt about what happened. I expected to not fit in and didn't make overtures to encourage friendships. I was still that way in college.

My mother was depressed and lacked self-confidence. When I cried she encouraged me to change what I was doing in ways that sound similar to what you're doing. I grew up feeling that I needed to change.

In reality that isn't true for most kids. Their are many girls like your daughter at school and some in her classroom. I suggest that instead of coaching her that you praise her. Help her to feel good about herself just the way she is. There is no "right" way to behave for these kids. Kids either have things in common and feel a connection or they don't. Your daughter can make friends if she's confident in herself.

By the way, my popular granddaughter also picks her nose. She can be very overbearing at times too. I've found that all the girls are on the outs with one or another one most of the time. This is just the nature of this age. I don't know of any girls this age who are focused on popular music or the latest fashions. My granddaughter has decided that she's a tom boy and declared that she won't wear "girly" clothes. She also wears mismatched shirts and pants. I was wanting to teach her some things about coordinating clothes until I was at the school. Hardly any girl wears anything that would be considered fashionable by adults. There are a few that I think must allow their mothers to dress them. I think it's better for kids to make their own choices.

Kids this age are beginning to try out new ways of doing things. They are socially unskilled. and many lack self-confidence. I suggest that the best thing that you can do for your daughter is to be sympathetic but to not make an attempt to change her. I would also stop thinking of her as not fitting in or of being different from the other girls. She is a wonderful girl just the way she is. She doesn't have to change herself to have friends. She does have to feel a certain amount of confidence and you can help her with that by focusing on praising her.

You might also be able to help by arranging play dates. Since your daughter is shy, she may not know of anyone that she wants to invite. If you can, spend some time, observing, at school. Being on the playground reveals a lot.

I also recommend that you talk with her teacher to get another person's observation and view point. The teacher sees many girls everyday and can give you an idea of what is going on from that view point.

As a mom you just have to tell her to keep her head up and im pretty sure its just a stage she is going through, everyone goes through it.. as a matter of fact she'll have several throughout her life. It is important for you to be there tho when she does get hurt but all you can really tell her that you would always be there for her and whatever she goes through life will make her a stronger person in the future.
hope it helps:)
<3 L.

I was like that as a kid. We did not move, so I was stuck with the same kids year after year. I remember crying at night about not having any friends. My parents comforted me by being there for me, and using the phrase 'different with a plus'. Yeah, I was different than the 'popular' kids, but that is not a bad thing.
In the long run, having that experience at a young age really set some things straight in my head. No matter what I did, I did not fit in. While at that age, that is 'the worst thing' - by the time I got to high school, I did not care to fit in. I was able to stand up to the peer pressure of 'what everyone else was doing'. That served me well.
From your note, it sounds like you are trying to make her fit in, and telling her that what the other people think is important. While your intentions are good, to me that sets the stage to encourage her to listen to what other people suggest, because they are popular. I don't think that is necessarily the message that you want to give her. Telling her that you love her, and listening when she is upset is more important. Helping her to try different things, and maybe come up with people who she shares interests with can be helpful, but only if you are not pushy about it. (I did not really have good friends until high school.) Encouraging her to be the person that she is, and not to worry about what others think is really important.
I think you are doing a good job since she is NOT obsessed with today's music or popular things. It sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders. Enjoying science and animals, and doing self directed creative activities should be celebrated! It sounds like she knows what is important in life.
Make sure that home is a safe place, where she can come and talk to you, and feel supported and loved. Not another place where she needs to be fixed to fit in.

she doesn't have the need to belong. i mean she wants to but not so badly that she will do the things others do to try fit it. i think you should tell her, and make it clear, homeschooling is not happening. she is looking at it as a way out, even though she may not really want it. make it clear it is not happening and that she should try harder to make friends.
i think when pushed towards it, she will try. talk to her in private about things that people will find embarrassing like nose picking. tell her that puts people off. she's old enough to put two and two together. no child is perfect, and eventually they all find their way into society, they just need a little push, not ways out of situations that have developed.
i didn't fit in. never had the 'in' clothes, or the 'in' parents, or the house. i was wayy bookish, but longed to have friends. then i discovered i was funny, and people thought i was funny. that made me friends, even popular ones :)
(then we all grow up and realize once popular, not always popular :))

I think all you can do is what you've been doing. It takes a while for certain kids to learn how to get along with others...or not to care what certain people think. Just keep making suggestions. She'll get there. Also, see if you can get her involved in activities where she will meet girls who have the same interests as her.

My stepdaughter had a lot of trouble in school making friends. She'd constantly be having one problem or another with girls! Now she's in a lot of different activities (gymnastics, soccer, swimming, art class, martial arts) and she's finding she fits in really well with certain kids.

Your daughter will find her "crowd" eventually. Until then you just have to be there for her while she learns...and offer gentle advice along the way.

It sounds like the nose picking is a nervous habit. Unfortunately girls can be cruel and I think your daughter being different is not a problem it is just going to cause her some uncomfortable times at school. I would not try to change her just foster her uniqueness. If she loves art, animals, and science, involve her in extra curricular activities outside of school so she can make friends like her. In my area they have these wonderful out of school activities for children just like your daughter. I actually hire them to come to my preschool. One is called Mad Science they have workshops that are very educational and interactive. Maybe find some cooking classes, or art classes, things that interest her so she has another outlet and is not seeking approval from the girls at school.

Because my two children are not at that age yet I can not really speak from experience but, here I go! I think that she's just trying to find out who she is. My older brother was and still is the same way and he is 25 now! He usually stayed to himself, never cared about what everyone else was wearing or listening to and was quite quiet. I think you could try and get her interested in some extracurricular activities or try to get her to open up to new things. I. not suggesting that you try and change who she is as a person, but experience is key and giving her more things to do will give her the opportunity to make new friends. Just reassure her that every individual is unique in his or her own way and that she is perfect the way that she is. Children her age are going to be mean and nasty, not that it is right, but it's something that we all have had to deal with and keep moving. I hope this helps because I'm sure she is a great kid! good luck..........

I think it might be time for you and her to find some things to do-like get her involved in activities-baton twirling/ athletics-sports/ dance class/ scouts (you could be a leader and see just what and why these things are happening) craft classes/ tumbling and so many more. Check out what is in your area and get involved. Most important is she can develop her own confidence and not rely on her "friends" to produce it. Have you looked closely to notice if she is shy around others her age? This might be the true case? All kids pick their noses and some do it when they feel out of place-after all it is part of her-others pick or shift in their clothes or grab where they should not-so look a bit closer and work on her own self esteme and confidence. Be there for her Mom as much as you can and get the whole family involved-it is worth it in the long run. There is always someone out there to make "you"/ "me"/ "us"-feel out of place! Remember your prom? Good luck and go for the gold!

It's hard to see. My son is naturally quiet and sometimes I could just scream "SPEAK UP!" to him as I see him get passed by, ignored, etc.
But kids do seem to like him...he's just not a dominant personality.
My husband always tells me, not everyone can be the same...he's fine. His quiet steady ways will be a blessing to him and others O. day... and I know he's right. It's just hard to watch.
Your daughter sounds like a bright, interesting kid and she WILL make her way in this world. She will find similar buddies. Not much advice but some support and reassurance. Good luck.

My 11 year old twin girls are very much like your girl. They march to the beat of their own drummer. They still play dolls and don't care about boys or music. One of my daughters asked one day why the popular girls didn't want to talk to her. I asked if she talked to them. Oh no she said. That hurt my heart to think that she thought because they had a popular label that they were too good for her to talk to.

We actually do homeschool now. I don't want them to try to do things to get so called "popular" kids to like them. I want them to be free to live life innocently until they are ready to explore it further. I don't want others to assist in them losing their innocence to soon. It's dog eat dog out there and other kids are mean and hurtful and awful.

I wasn't the popular kid either but unlike most girls because of it I learned to be independent and be my own person. Which I believe she will also. It seems sometimes like some girls are jealous of me because I don't need a man. I have been told this by other wemon who assess the situation. doesn't make sense to me but ok. I don't let people mold me into who they think I should be. being the outcast makes you more independent.
Tell her bill gates probably wasnt the coolest kid in class either but everybody wants to be him now. Everyone who picked on him in life probably regrets it now. Have her write a fantasy story about who she wishes she was and how she would like it to turn out. My kid is a writer also writing is a way of expressing themselves and she is young enough to still have an imagination. Tell her to write a story about how in 30 yrs everyone regrets picking on her and wants to be her and why. Use the animals as characters instead of people. You may find out shes more brillant than you thought all along. Tell her to be her own person find what makes her happy and when shes happy everyone will want to be her friend.
I like to wear rocky jeans and cowboy boots most wemon think I should wear dresses. Men I dated tried to make me in to who they wanted me to be. teach her now to be her own person and she will be happier as an adult. But also teach her she has to dress in a way that shows respect for herself. When shes dressed up people will tend to gravitate to her more. Its ok to wear jeans and boots if you have a nice shirt to go with it. teach her to come up with her own style but be classy also. she doesn't have to be a barbie to do it.
My oldest was the same way for reasons not to discuss its to long of a story we had to drop him out of high school and sent him to job corp. job corp is alot of outcast thrown into one enviroment.. Any way the outcast at job corp click off just like high school. HIs self esteem went up and he went from being the shy little kid to very confindent and outspoken. And extremely mature I don't know why he changed in this way there but i'm not going to complain. She will work it out in her own time and her own way.

Hey mom,
I've read all of the other M.'s posts and although I agree with the gist of them, they are all coming from the perspective of age and wisdom. Your daughter is 9 right now and how she is feeling right now is important- to her and to you. It will effect her self esteem if she is feeling singled out and ostracized - that is just a fact - doesn't mean that it's right or wrong, but it's a fact. I don't think that you are necessarily trying to 'make her fit in' as some of the posters have suggested. I think that you are legitimately feeling your daughter's pain and sadness and are genuinely concerned about her feelings. She sounds like a very sweet girl and it sounds like she does have some wonderful interests. I did like the suggestion of one of the posters regarding looking into some extracurricular activities involving her interests where she might meet some like-minded kids - that would be a fanstastic confidence booster. I am sure there are some wonderful art or music/singing programs, science, etc... Children, especially girls, can be cruel at this age. That is also a fact. But, they also think it's pretty neat when someone has a special talent, so foster her art, etc... Regarding the nose picking, sorry, but yes, that can be a turnoff and it is something that I think you should address. I liked the idea of a code word that you could use in public, but it's also a great idea to make a plan of action for those times, like school, where you can't be there. How about coming up with a wonderful reward to work towards - some kind of a special event that you two can share - a movie, a dinner, a play...something really special that would fit her interests. Accomplishing that goal would also make her feel proud and in turn be a boost to her self esteem. Helping her to stop picking her nose is not sending a message that she should be a conformist, it's addressing a legitimate issue and it doesn't have to be done in a negative way - you can do it in a positive way by setting a goal and encouraging her progress with the bonus of something special for the both of you to share together when she reaches her goal of stopping. The key to all of this is to foster and build her self esteem so that she can stay strong and grounded as she navigates through her life. Yes, life is bigger than 9 years old, but not when you are 9 years old. When you are 9, that IS life. It might make you feel better to seek some advice from the school counselor - even if they don't have one at her elementary school, visit the counselor at the middle school and pick their brain regarding ways to keep her self esteem intact. Hang in there, mom. How wonderful that she has a safe haven to come home to and a person to whom she can confide. That will make a world of difference. Good luck!!!

She sounds like a smart girl with a lot going for her, but she will probably never be "popular." And I don't think that's such a bad thing. Encourage her to develop her talents and also find groups of young writers or singers or animal lovers where she can find one or two special friends. I was never popular either, but I always had at least one special friend and that was all I needed. I'm sure you talk with her often. Help her to be comfortable in her own skin and not need the approval of the other girls. This is what my mom did for me.

I can empathize with both you and your daughter. I have Tourette Syndrome, so growing up, I was mercilessly picked on b/c of my tics and weird noises. I didn't have a lot of friends, and I definitely stuck out like a sore thumb. I was shy and wasn't interested in any of the things the other girls were. What helped for me was my mom. Honestly, if I didn't have her, I probably wouldn't have made it through high school. She was my rock. To her I was perfect and beautiful, and those other girls didn't know what they were missing by rejecting me. I finally did make a few really great friends (we were all "freaks") and I made it through high school by embracing my "weirdness." I decided to use my differences as strengths, and I created my own style, so that when I stuck out, it was on my terms. To this day I still follow the beat of my own drums. I don't look like the other moms - I have quite a few tattoos, and I dress a little eccentric. I would just encourage her to find what she likes, and friends will follow. There's got to be at least one other kid in her school that likes the same music, movies, or TV shows that she likes or that likes to do the same activities. She'll find her place. You sound like a very caring, loving mom, and that is the bes thing you can be for her.

It sounds like she is not a follower. This is a good thing! Encourage her to keep doing the things she enjoys. Talk to her about the bad habits and help her stop them. Work on one thing at a time. My nose has always been itchy, I would pick at it because it itched. After becoming an adult I found out that I have allergies and from the look of my nose and throat I had them for a long time. The dr. said my nose looked very irritated, it made his itch just looking at it! Also let her know as long as she has 1-2 real friends, that means more than having dozens of "friends" because you are popular. My sister-in-law had many "friends" because there house was party central, always a game on, pool and deck in the summer, beer in the frig...etc... When her husband lost his job and they had to cut out a lot of stuff the "friends" stopped coming around. These were people that they had known since school days. She had 2 girlfriends that continued to be there in her time of need. She appreciates those people more than anything. A true friend is someone who is there during the good and bad times, not just the good times. I know your daughter is to young for the party scene but help her to build lasting friendships, not just good time friends. My best friend and I have been friends for 30+ years, through good times and bad. There was even a period of time (2 years) that we did not speak because she did not approve of who I was marrying. I was so mad that I told her she did not even come to the wedding, she was to be my maid of honor, if she felt that way. She said fine and left. She could see something that I could not. 2 yrs. later we ended up divorced. My best friend and I started mending those fences and I am so glad that we did! She is truly the sister I never had! True friendships don't come along that often so you need to help her learn how to be a true friend and make lasting friendships.

Always make sure she has a tissue to wipe her nose with. If it's an unconscious nervous habit, come up with a code phrase you can use to alert her that she's doing it again that is harmless and come up with something that she can keep her hands busy with - a worry stone or something.
As for not fitting in or envying the popular girls - the grass always seems greener on the other side. It came as a surprise to me to learn popular girls did not always LIKE being popular. There's a constant social pressure and if they want to try to break out of the mold every once in awhile, they sometimes find they can't do it. They sometimes feel their popular persona is not who they really are and they are always wearing a mask.
In a sense, your girl is escaping a trap. She (and you) just need to see it that way. A part of growing up is about learning who you are and being comfortable with yourself and being happy that you are who you are. That she is beginning this at 9 yrs old means she is more mature than a lot of girls her age and she will hit her stride and find her niche before others even realize this is something everyone goes through.

Poor thing. I can totally understand your concern and can't imagine having to make her feel better. You are going to have to sit her down and explain how kids can be mean. How kids follow trends and how kids tend to be in cliques. Tell her how proud you are of her for being who she is and not conforming but that she has to conform to some things that society expects. Picking her nose in public is one of those things. Our son is 6 and when he does things that we know he could get teased for, we tell him. We explain that he will get teased, unfortunately it is a part of kids growing up and there is not much you can do except not do things that can cause you to get teased. The problem with these mean kids is that later in life, your daughter is the one who will be popular. The kid that does her own thing and wears what she wants, has her own style, she is the one that everyone will want to be around. It is not always best to be with the 'popular kids' b/c they sometimes tend to get in trouble or think they can get away with certain things. I would suggest to her to be her own person, be friendly, join clubs, play sports, anything to get her friends that are more like her....but she HAS to stop picking her nose in public. that should be natural for her at some point, to know better than to do that in public. As long as she is not being bullied I would not worry too much. Maybe you could help her, take her shopping, maybe have a party for some girls at school. Make it to where other kids see that she really is a great girl. Does she have any friends? You don't need a lot, just a really good friend.
good luck, just keep up on your end making her feel good about herself.

My son is a little too young for me to have experience with this firsthand, but I was wondering if you have a parenting or family center in your town? You can go to the library because I know they'll often have parenting center calendars and stuff at the desk there (in several towns/states, I know this is true). I've seen a free class offered on this subject, like a one night thing on helping your children navigate the social scene with their confidence/dignity intact. There are also classes on raising confident young women. I'd work on building her self esteem (ideas I've gotten from online and books from the library) to help with ideas there. One mom mentioned Mad Science: I love them!!! I used to do an in-home childcare and we'd go see them at the library or whatever, and it was a huge hit everytime. There's also zoo camps and all kinds of options. Keep her involved in what she's good at and what she finds naturally interesting and fun, and she'll enjoy life just fine. I don't think there's some magic way of avoiding the social pains of growing up altogether though. My friends from back home have memories of me being "famous", funny, super outgoing, and everyone at the 3 local highschools knowing me, blah blah, but I remember feeling extremely lonely and weird, and probably the shyest person in the world. Soccer, softball, track, and the debate team kept me "alive" I think.

you say every time she goes to a new school how many times have you switched schools? pick one and stick with it that way she can find a friend and really bond with them. try to get her in to see a therapist it sounds like her confidence is suffering