My Daughter (7) Is Resenting Her Sister (1) and Feeling Neglected

Just want to add two cents to the feed back... I had a student that was acting in a similar way. She would say no one loves her and was resentful about her baby sister too. I would say bottom line she is seeking for attention and if she doesn't get the positive ones then the negative ones is just as good. The dad needs to talk, listen, and validate her feelings. She need some one to one time on a daily bases (reading book together) and to to hear "I love you" or "you are such a big help to me" positive comments that makes her feel loved and and included which I can imagine is hard when taking care of a little that needs constant attention. It is quality vs quantity. I was stay away from gifts (a surprise once in awhile is always good) but more on the intrinsic rewards that she is seeking which is the gift of quality time and being needed and feel loved. Do have dad watch out if she starts to not only hurting her sister but also herself. But, hopefully dad is also setting boundaries and consequence for her actions (with love of course) Hugs and apologies wouldn't hurt either.

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How much longer do you have in your deployment? I would think that your daughters behavior is a result of the combination of her age, the new baby, and having her mother gone. Speaking as one who knows what it's like to be "left" by someone who is deployed (my husband was gone for a 20 month deployment to Iraq) it is truly taxing on a persons patience and even self-esteem. Especially for a 7 year old girl without her mother, whom she depends so much on at this age in her life, a deployment can be devastating.

My advice: According to the time you have left in your deployment, give her something to look forward to on a weekly basis. Things that will help the time go by faster. Things like a special outing with Dad, or a movie date with a special family member, or a new outfit, or a night of fun at home where she gets to choose what to do with her Dad and baby sister. Find things that will make her feel special and especially things that you know she will like! She definitely needs more love than discipline right now. Yes some discipline and guidance are certainly necessary as it is for all children, but she especially needs positive things in her life on a daily basis. The people who are with her and around her need to make a combined effort to show her love and do special things for her. Not so she will be spoiled, but so she will feel validated and cared for!

I hope this helps!

p.s. I also agree with the advice Suzanne gave. I think if she can receive packages from you, or even letters on a consistent basis, those would be great!

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T.,
I to want to thank you for serving our country. My Hubby is AF so I know what you are you family is going through. I have kids the same age as you (my boy is 7 and my girl is 1). -Whill your older daughters saying she wants to die is upseting I dnt know if taking her to a doc is the answer, I think is woundnt hurt and if it goes on for long the you should but lets see if we can think of trying some other thigs first!
If the girls are staying home with your hubby see if he can find someone to watch the little on and have a daddy daughter date jsut him and the 7 year old. Go out to eat or the the movies or to the park or whatever she liked doing with him befor the little one came along. maybe setting up a date once or twice a week just him and her will help, and when you came back home you could do it with her too.

Letters, postcard, pic of where your at and what your doin and of you so she can see that your ok, and little packages (my son loves getting packages for his dad when he is gone) jsut for her. Address them to her and put onley things for her in them.

Somthing else that I have fond helps is a quilt. If you and your hubby have any old clothing that you would get rid of ask around and see if you can find somone to make thim into a quilt. That way whenever she needs a hug from you since you cant be there to give her one she can wrap up in the quilt. Its the next best thing.

I know this is upsetting for you and her. I am sure she feels pushed aside, and it hurts to hear she so upset and being so far away its heard to help make things better. I think thank you and yours should try some things IN home first befor taking her to a doc as that might reinforce the "I am a bad girl, there is somthings wrong with me" fellings. I am not saying that you shoulndt take her if you fell you should or if it gets worse. I am jsut saying that it sounds to me like she just need a little more love and attion. if that dose not work THEn go see a doc.

I hope I ahve been able to help. I wish you luck! Best Wishes

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This is to add to the flat stanley type idea.

1. Better yet durring your web chat. show her the little specail gift. Give the gift a kiss (tell her your sending kisses with the gift.) then put it in the package and gett it ready for shipping in right in front of the camera.
Then she can see it is comming directly from you, to her.
In front of the camera make a big production showing how you are extra specially wraping it up to mail it to her.
(Look sweetheart, see I'm wrapping it in pink paper just for you; because I know you like pink.
OR I am wrapping an extra tissue paper around it just to make sure its protected during the shipping for you .etc.)
Reveiving the gift, but adding Being able to actually see the the extra care your taking to put together a specail gift for her, I would think can help reenforce in her mind how important she is to you.

2. Also for your web chat. Both of you decided and come up with a specail secret visual love greeting or chat ending that is just yours and hers. Like a tug on you ear, thumb kiss to on your cheek, 3 taps of your hand to your heart etc.
Since it would be something that is just the two of yours..
You might find it helps mom feel a little more loved and connected too.

3. start a paragraph story to send back and fourth.
You can make this a tradition for each time you get deployed or have to be away.
You start the story and write the first paragraph.
Then send it to your daugher to write the next paragraph.
Then have her send it back to you and start the process over. For your entire deployemnt send the story back and fourth expanding the story each time.
When you get back from deployment you can arrage a special one on one reading of the story together... or a joint theatical production reading of your story for the rest of the family. You reading your parts of the story, and your daughter reading hers.
If you can... make a back up of your writings each time to have just in case the first draft gets lost in the mail.

Thank you... to you, and your family, for the sacrifices you have made for us.
God bless

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First I want to thank you for serving our country. I think you are in a hard spot! Your daughter needs to see a specialist. Someone to talk to. Maybe on your end if you could send her a post card or a letter just for her so she knows how you feel about her. It is something she can hold in her hands and read over and over again. I've heard of some parents who are deployed making a video of themselves and sending to their children, to make it not seem like you are not so far away. Good Luck

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It never hurts to mention things to the pediatrician, and if therapy is something you were leaning toward anyway I think that is wonderful. But from what you said I think that may be a bit severe at this point (and I'm a therapist!). You don't mention how she is behaving and getting along in all areas of her life- is she eating and sleeping normally, doing well in school, playing with friends, etc. The total picture is what you would look at to consider something like depression. Again, never hurts to talk to the doc, but because you don't mention a concern for depression I am not even going there.

I think you have it right on. She is having a hard time adjusting to the baby and has found the right buttons to push to seek attention.

Ideas about making her special and connecting from a distance are all great. But what I would also do is ask her! I would suggest that you or you husband (preferably both to the extent that it is possible) need to be doing more listening than talking to her. Start by telling her that you understand she is having a hard time with her sister and ask her to tell you about it. If she doesn't open up right away, give her some leading questions- what is the hardest thing about having a baby sister? how do people treat her? how do people treat you? etc. You may get some interesting answers. A huge part of the problem with kids going through a transition is that they don't feel heard or understood. Really listening to her and acknowleding her position without judging or scolding will go very far. Then ask her what she would like to be different. Talk about compromising. If she says she would like the baby to go away, talk about why that's not possible, but a trip to get ice cream all by herself is possible. You get the idea. Making her feel understood and empowered is a great start. From there you move to expectations and consequences. And most importantly an understanding that when she is feeling upset and left out she is welcome to talk to you both about it. Once she knows she will be heard and validated, she should start to improve.

And again, if things get worse or she is having trouble in all areas mentioned above, seek professional help.

Good luck, and God bless you for the work you are doing.

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T., thank you for your sacrifice for the rest of us! I don't know how you do it.
I believe something has been overlooked here. Your daughter's fear for your safety.
I find it very rare for a girl that much older than her sibling to be so jealous. Usually they turn into little mothers.
Do you have a religious preference? I hope so because young children can be taught to pray. Even my 6 yr. old grandson can believe and support the power of prayer. I hope she prays, believing, that her mother will come home safely and all will be well with her family.
God bless you all!

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Is there anything special that your daughter likes to do that could be done on a regular basis such as piano lessons, dance class, swim class that arrangements could be made that during that time baby sister stays with a sitter and she gets to go to her activity and after have a simple treat (even if it's stopping at a park to have a muffin).

Allowing her to talk it out-though I am wondering if the resentment towards her sister is actually more of her being upset and worried about your being deployed at this time.

Encourage her to talk, draw pictures of things like how do you feel that mommy has to be away from us, how do you feel that daddy has to take care of sister too.

Give her a special product such as do you belong to a house of worship if so talk to the leadership and see if there isn't an elderly lady or couple who has no family that would love an adopted family (ideally would be a couple that never had children of their own, or a single lady that never married). This would give your daughter someone else to give her some attention while you are away and also give your husband someone who could help out in a pinch especially if you don't have family close by.

Thank you for your service to our country.

T.

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T. I want to add my thanks also for serving our country. I also want to suggest you contact relatives and friends and ask them to admire and talk to the 7 y/o BEFORE they goo goo ga ga over the adorable baby. Babies are cute and 7 y/o's aren't, so it natural for folks to say how cute, how big, how smart, etc. the baby is.
The other suggestions are right on target and we live in an awesome time where we can webcam and email our loved ones that are far from us.
Bless you

Land of the FREE...BECAUSE of the BRAVE

Proud of my Sailor son too

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Here is an idea: Tell your older daughter that you need her help. Tell her you are away and you need her to teach her younger sister everything right now for you. Tell her you are so proud of her and the young woman that she is becoming. That her you love her and that there is no better person to help the little one grow up then a strong and beautiful older sister. Make a big deal out of everything she does.

Thank you so much for fighting for this country. I am humbled by your sacrifice and hope you know how many people are supporting you. Be safe and goodluck with your daughter. I'm sure something will work out for you.

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The military covers therapy. Get here there NOW. Those words in a grownup would be a red flag of suicidal thoughts. Maybe she's just wanting attention, but get her help before she figures out how to act on it. Do you have a best friend stateside that you do things with? Maybe she can go on girl dates with her-just the two of them. Depending on the post too, Dad can get respite care for your girls. Have him put the younger one in childcare & take the older out to do things together.
My heart hurts for you. My boys go through that now & then & I hate to watch it from here-I can't imagine having to watch it on webcam & hearing about it in letters & by phone.
Last time hubby was deployed my older son was biting the younger-attention seeking, I'm sure. I ended up grounding him from his brother until the bite bruises healed-he had to sleep in the hall outside my room (they shared a room) until the last bruise was gone. He was biting him when I wasn't in the room, when they were supposed to be napping mostly.
Go to your chaplain there & have hubby go see the Rear D chaplain-maybe they'll have ideas for you too.
Good luck!

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Let me suggest one other thing, get a really good picture of her by herself that you can carry with you, while you're deployed take pictures of yourself holding up her picture, kind of a Flat Stanly thing (a project kids do to explore their world). She will feel like she's with you and will feel special because you always have her picture with you! Also explore whether there is a support group of children with parents deployed in your area or you're husband can explore the possibility of getting together with other parents and kids with a deployed parents for a play time at McDonald's or park, she would be able to talk with others in her shoes.
Finally, my granddaughter went to see a councilor, they would play games and talk for an hour every two weeks, this made her feel special and helped her immensely! She only needed this for a short time before things straightened out for her, another adult caring about what she does was comforting for her, think about it.

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Thank you so much for serving our country. My guess is that she is mad at her sister, but also at you. She doesn't want to blame you, because she loves you and your aren't there to "take it out on." Her little sister is small and can't hurt her, so she takes her feelings out on her.

She must also see everywhere around her mommies with their daughters. She misses you. Do you have a close friend/relative that can step in until you get home to mentor her?

Is there anything you need like soap, snacks, etc.

Take care of yourself

J.

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Hi there,
I didnt read all of the responses so if this is duplicated I apologize... My son is 8 and daughter is 1 1/2, he is amazing with her, however he also has a sister from his dads new wife who is 1 and is not so thrilled because he gets a ton of responsibility put on him. He is constantly having to watch her while his dad and step mom are doing "things around the house". Dont get me wrong I have him help out but I do my best to make sure he doesnt feel like he is the other parent and it seems to work well. I also am sure to give him one on one time which I am aware that you are unable to do at the present time but what about getting with your family and having a "special get togeather" just for her, maybe for being a "fantastic" big sister. I had everyone make a huge fuss over Devin becoming a big brother and he loved it. I know she is 1 but its never to late :) Almost like a birthday party except a big sister party. It will make her feel like being a sister is important and people will be making the fuss over her. Other little things that might work may be just letting her have special friends or cousins over to play with, letting her go to sleepovers just anything that is about her and not "them" Not to say you should never have anything about "them" but just getting her feeling like shes still an individual and a very important one. I hope you find this helpful, I know how hard it is to have a situation that you cant control... best wishes to you and if you need anything pleas feel free to message me.
E.!

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Hello T.,

I hope you're doing well and are safe. I feel for your situation and I've read all of the wonderful responses that you've gotten. I have to agree with one in particular, the advice of taking a picture with you holding a picture of your daughter only coupled with the suggestion of your wonderful husband having a consistent, & that is important a consistent father daughter time. Just them two where they can discuss anything and everything, no matter what it is. Just tell Daddy to try not to show her a negative reaction to when she express feelings that are disturbing. (This can be challenging, I know, I've had to work on this skill for a long time :) ) By listening without immediate reproof or judgement, in my experience has given me the skill of listening and has taught my kids that I respect their feelings. This by no means is always easy and I'm not suggesting that neither of you ever mold her thinking process, or even correct her, but just make her feel that her feelings are important. I wish you well and much love and family harmony.

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Thank you very much for serving the country and making this huge sacrifice of not being home with your family. It seems wrong for the gov't to take you away from your children.

I can relate to your 7-year-old daughter--not your family situation, which may be different. But here's my story. I had an older brother, and I was 1 1/2 when my sister was born, and 6 when my younger brother was born. I was actually abandoned emotionally when each baby was born because my mother couldn't cope with more than one child at a time. My poor mother didn't enjoy mothering except the baby years. She was meant for other things --she had many talents and many interest --artist, accountant, music etc.--but in those days (1940-1950s), women had to leave home totally to have a different life. My father was the "man" although he was a poor manager of money. So my mother had to operate under the radar screen or my dad would discourage her or make fun of her.

I resented both my brother and sister because I felt that they took my mother away. They were innocent. Just like me and your poor little girl. Your daughter didn't ask for the new baby. Now she's confused her feelings of childish anger and hate toward the baby, and toward you for leaving her with the reality that you're in a dangerous place and could get hurt and she might never see you again and it would be all her fault. The poor kid. Can you imagine the burden she's carrying around. It's good that your daughter can express what I felt but never dared say to my parents. She needs help from everyone in the family.

Pictures don't mean much to a young child. Instead I would make every effort to call her and each time, make an effort to put your modesty or shyness aside and tell her you love her and that she's done nothing wrong. Anyone would feel the same way toward their sister.

You don't say why you waited so many years to have a second child. Children hear and see a lot more than we think they do. If you were trying for a child for a long time, maybe she feels she isn't "enough."

But here's how you can help your daughter: DO YOU HAVE A GOOD FEMALE FRIEND OR COLLEAGUE WHO IS STEADY, SYMPATHETIC, KIND, HONEST, AND SINCERELY INTERESTED IN HELPING YOUR DAUGHTER TO STAY GROUNDED? Your young daughter needs to be mothered by someone who has time for her and takes her to fun places and buys her a thing here and there, takes her out to eat or to a movie. I had a wonderful aunt, one of my mother's older sisters, and she was such a help to all of us. She helped me to gain self-confidence, interests, and good judgment.

My aunt told me when I was 15 that if I ever felt like I needed help because I was depressed, that it was fine to seek help. I'm working on a project that will help young women discover their skills and interests and career interested. I'm paying if forward" like my aunt did with me.If you'd like to read the story I wrote about my aunt and mother's family, please let me know.

GOOD LUCK. LOVE, B.

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I think there's counseling availabe in the military, and this is probably a very common military problem -- kids and attachment issues. I'd go right to the experts on this, and not ask other moms who would be guessing, when there are professionals who deal with these families every single day.

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Thank you so much for your service.

I think that your daughter misses you and of course gets a rise out of you this way, even if it isn't the type of attention she is really looking for. Is there any way that you can talk to her more often, either on the phone or email (special calls just to her)? It sounds like she really needs to be heard and have her feelings validated. That it is okay to miss her special time before the baby. She should also be empowered more as a sister. Giver her special big sister tasks. Make sure that everyone is recognizing her for when she is behaving nicely to the 1 year old. Maybe a chart for all her big sister duties if she does them. Also, talk with everyone that interacts with her. She should always be greeted and acknowledged on her own before the baby. Maybe she could earn some big girl benefit, like a dance class, etc. Just pulling things from the top of my head. Good luck.

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First off, thank you for serving our country. I can imagine that is a huge sacrifice especially when you have a family at home. Hey I don't know if you have considered this but maybe have her go talk to a therapist just to see if they can get to the root of what is going on. There seems to be some more anger rooted than just resenting her sister. Has she always been like that towards her or is it a more recent thing? It is a little late for her to be dispaying sibling rivalry so that's why I think maybe it is something else. I would think some of her anger or frustration has to be with you being deployed and then some of it is displaced onto her sister. I would be a little concerned about her saying she is wishing she was dead. There seems to be a lot of hurt inside of her for some reason. I would really have her talk to someone. Good luck!

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The people that are with her right now need to look at their actions. Obviously, the attention is all on the baby and not on her, but that is not your fault. The people caring for your children need to spend more time with and give positive attention to your oldest daughter before the situation gets any worse. I don't know exactly what you are going through because I have never been away from my children, but I give you credit for attempting to care for them being so far away.

Thank you for serving our country! Make it a GREAT day & stay safe!

S.

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Gosh, I was going to volunteer to come and spend time with your daughter - - be that "auntie" who takes her to a "girls' only" haircut place, or tea luncheon. However, I just saw that you are from Colorado Springs. I live in Texas. So, here is my long-distance advice. Sign her up for something: ballet, karate, or even JUMP ROPE! My own daughter competed in Double-Dutch jump rope for 6 years. It was a great self-esteem builder!! There is a good jump rope team in Colorado Springs!! Ballet would be a good alternative. Anything that she can become good at (and baby can't do). Buy her a pink tutu to wear around the house outside of class - - then she can demonstrate what she is learning to visitors!

I would find an amazing child psychologist who does play therapy. It would help her in sorting our her feelings and give you really amazing tools to encourage her. It sounds like she is a little depressed and angry.. This is fixable I know from experience. We had some issues at home where we had huge changes that were hard on our girls my husband was having a really hard time and our oldest acted out. The play therapist was our life saver.

hello T., (I know this is a bit late)
Thanks soooo much for serving this country. You are making an incredible sacrifice that I cry just by reading your post. God Bless you & your family.
I have a 10yo boy & a 2yo boy -- the older ones acts up alot & is very jealous. Older children dont know yet how to express their feelings. I believe your daughter is very sad that YOU are not there. She's very upset YES! at the attention the baby gets, but in her mind: "if you were there, she would at least have YOU!" Mommy love & attention is almost unreplaceable. Maybe while you're away, Dad can have one nite at week where is just the two of them alone. When you talk to her, ask her to keep an eye out for YOU on Dad & Sis. Dont scold her on her behavior, so it's always positive talk & see if her feelings towards the baby change, b/c now she's doing something positive for you. Talk to a counselor & find out more suggestions.
Good Luck & God Bless!

Please have daughter see her pediatrician and ask for a referral! It is normal to feel some jealousy and resentment, but the talking about wanting to die is not ok!