January 11, 2010,
J.H. asks from Elk Grove, CA on January 06, 2010
My Child and Daycare Pick Up
Hi - my x wants to put his girlfriend on the pick up list at my child up at daycare. I am against this. I told him that if they were married or lived together we could discuss it but since they are only dating there is no reason for it. He told me that since he has 50/50 custody then during his time, he can have anyone who he disires pick up. I am not sure of this. I plan to talk to the daycare but I think they cant get involved since we only have a 50/50 court order and it does not specifiy anything about pick ups, etc. Does anyone have any experience with this? Thanks!
1 mom found this helpful
N.A. answers from San Francisco on January 07, 2010
Hi J. H,
I would look at the wellfare of your child and find ways to get along with your ex. It only makes things harder for your little one. If you find this women is harming your daughter in any way then it becomes a problem and I would do something about it then. This is not about you or your ex it is about your child.
Happy New Year.
K.F. answers from Salinas on January 07, 2010
Hi J.- It doesn't seem right to dictate who your husband has pick up his children during his custody time. Maybe you should figure out exactly why this bothers you. It's valid that you aren't crazy about the idea but that's as far as it should go. My kids go to a charter school without buses. Every feild trip is put together with parent drivers. The volunteers are screened for criminal & driving history, show their liscense & insurance. That's it, each parent must trust in eachother or volunteer to drive themselves. Knowing that someone else is picking up your kids isn't really the problem, it sounds like it's the fact that it's your husband's girlfirend. Maybe try to get to know her a little and let it go.
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D.S. answers from San Francisco on January 08, 2010
Welcome to the hard world of reality of children. I am a mother, and I have been a Day Care provider as have been several of my friends. So I asked them for some of their experiances as well to give you.
1. When you say x are we talking married or boyfriend? This can make a differance in some states.
2. What does the custody papers say? If you don't have them then get on the ball and get them -- again that can make all the differance as well for you-as this is your child and important. Who has the decision power on the regular basis for child care? Because this can make a differance.
3. As a Care Giver, I stayed out of the family dynamics as much as possible so the child was in a stress free place. The Caregivers job is the child. I do know of mothers that have it court ordered that only parents or grandparents can pick up the children. I also know of one mother who had it that her child was only able to be picked up 1 day a week by the child's father.
J., if you have concerns,or feel uncomfortable then you need to adress those things. To have someone do a life scan is not that expensive and you can ask for that to be done. In this day and age with so many things going on with children safety is a must. If this is about your x starting over and you aren't then maybe you need to address that as well.It's always best to have the new partner be friendly because they are in the child's life, even if only part time. I wish you lots of luck with your situation and really hope that it works out for you and your child.I am glad that you have MamaSource to turn to.
T.V. answers from San Francisco on January 07, 2010
Who ever you or your child’s father designate to pick up your child should have the following:
· A valid drivers license
· A good driving record
· Proof of insurance
· Properly installed child car seat
Hopefully you both can agree on the above.
It sounds like you are still stinging from the pain of divorce and it kind of urks you that another woman is going to be a part of your child’s life. I would be happy that they are NOT living together.
If you have a 50 – 50 custody order, your former husband must be a pretty good/loving/decent human being and dad??? Try to take the high road on this one unless you feel your child is in danger. The better you get along with dad, the happier your child will be.
K.M. answers from San Francisco on January 07, 2010
I feel for you! I have been there and done that! A few times. As hard as it is to let someone else do your and your ex's job, it is going to happen at some point. I thought it was only fair to meet my ex's new girlfriend first so we all met for pizza and talked while my daughter played on the play structure.
I think there should definitely be an agreed upon set of time and some rules for the both of you going forward. Like you can first ask him to put the shoe on the other foot and then ask him what he thinks a reasonable amount of time is before a significant other starts taking over some of the parents responsiblilities.
I know the situation is a bit different when it comes to daycare and babysitting. You both have to agree on the sitter if the child is going to be with that person for more than 3 hours, otherwise, you have first rights to watch your child if the other parent plans on being away for 3 or more hours.
Good luck! It does get easier with time, believe me.
K.H. answers from Sacramento on January 07, 2010
I'm pretty sure he is right. During his time of custody he can have any adult he thinks is responsible help him. Unless you stated this in your custody agreement. Sometimes you can request that BOTH parents approve childcare for all times. But unless you did that, I think it's his call during his time.
M.V. answers from San Francisco on January 07, 2010
We had this same dilemma in dealing with my stepson's mom, and we ended up spending money for court only for the judge to rule that it was OK for me to pick him up. I was the girlfriend and now I am the wife. Unless you know for sure and can PROVE that this woman is negligent or has harmed your child, I would say let it go. I know there are lots of emotions involved, but since he is your ex and you have moved on, he does have a right to make wise choices about pick-ups, babysitters, etc. If she were not a girlfriend but just a good friend that he can count on would you still have the same issue? As long as he has the best interest of making sure that your child is picked up from daycare in a timely manner by a responsible person, let him make those decisions. If it would make you more comfortable, ask him if you can talk to and meet the girlfriend...she may not be that bad! Having someone who loves and cares for your child is what is really important. Good luck with it all and may God bless you.
T.A. answers from Salinas on January 07, 2010
I think that is true if your ex and his girlfriend were married then maybe. But your the mom you dont have to put his girlfriend on the pick up list. what happens if they break up then you have to keep changing the pick up list. You & him have the shared custody so he needs to figure out how to pick up his child when its his time not his girlfriend. It is about your child and hopefully you bith can work something out. Is the girlfriend good to your child.
best of luck