82 answers

My Boyfriend Has All the Benefits of Being Married but NONE of the Responsibilit

Me and my boyfriend have been living together for 3 years. I have had numerous discussions with him about equally splitting the bills but that hasn't happened. We were friends for 14 years before we ever started dating. He is the most trustworthy man I have ever been with as far as being faithful is concerned. He is a workaholic but never seems to make time for us anymore. He doesn't want to do anything! I don't know how many get togethers and weddings I've been invited to and have gone by myself or with my girl friends. I spend more time with them than with him because he makes excuses. I understand there are going to be times that you can't always be together (I wouldn't want it like that any way) but he goes overboard. He gets home at about 9:00 p.m.every night. Doesn't show hardly any interest around the house. He has all of the benefits of being married but he has none of the resposibility. I have recently listed all of the household bills and split them equally and gave it to him but he is still not giving me half of the bills. He lives at my house, I wash his clothes and cook for him but his still don't pay half the bills. The amount he pays does not add up to half. When I ask him about it he says he is doing all he can. We do not have any children together.
How would you handle this situation?

1 mom found this helpful

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

Absolutely NOTHING has changed!
I typed everything out that I have had on my mind, printed it last Friday and left it on the counter for him to read. He has yet to comment on it. I am soo frustrated!

Featured Answers

Why would he marry you if he has all the benefits of being married without the legal aspects?
This man is a lazy,selfish person.
You need to kick him out.
Change the locks ,put his stuff in garbage bags outside and say GOOD RIDDANCE!

1 mom found this helpful

As long as you support him why should he change. You are getting the short end of the stick. I would ask him to move out or move out myself. He is using you.

Sorry to say this honey, but my granny would say, "After all those years, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free???" He's got it made, so why should he change??? I think you deserve better and I hope you get what you want eventually!! Good luck to you!!!

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Are you kidding me? You are sooooo in control of that situation! If you want things to be different, change it. Do you want to get married? It's your house. If you don't want him to live there with no financial responsibility, then give him the option of paying some bills or moving out. Or assign him other duties around the house that will make it all worth it to you. If he won't discuss it with you, put it on paper or say it directly to him, and include a timeline. If he doesn't follow through with an adequate response, kick him out! If you don't want to wash his clothes, then don't. Just stop doing it. And don't call that a marriage, 'cause mine is nothing like what you described. We both work, and we both pay bills, and my husband washes MY clothes. Also, he talks to me when I bring up issues that are important to me.

Your boyfriend does not have the benefits of a marriage; he has the benefits of a sugarmama sex-maid. In a marriage, there is accountability and respect. You have full control of this mess.

2 moms found this helpful

I agree with Laura - ultimatums are never a good solution. Make him want to be there. Give him no reason to want to be anywhere else. Tell him you want to be married to him and if that doesn't come about, you can be happy with your arrangement or move on. If you're too upset about the rent/bills, maybe you suggest taking a step back and get separate places and start dating again. You don't necessarily need to end the relationship, but if he's not being fair about it, we need to back it up to something that is fair. Good luck to you!

2 moms found this helpful

Hi T. :)

You know sometimes the best advice is to point out the obvious. Ever heard the saying why should he buy the cow when he gets the milk for free? Seems to apply nicely in this situation. Now I do not know your guy but if you love him and know him for so long I will think its safe to assume that he is just not getting it :) In other words I don't think he is doing these things on purpose. However in saying that here is what I would do. As I see it you have two options, the outright option, or the teach him a lesson option. You know this guy so seems that you will know what option to use, or in which order to try them.
#1 You have to stop doing everything for him if you are not fulfilled in return. Not to say that you do these things for payment, but if there is one thing i know about us girls, we do things out of love, but darn well expect our needs to be met as well! right ladies? lol. So for example. When he gets up one day for his long work day and asks why he has no clean clothes, just smile and say oh honey sorry but I have been so preoccipied with the bills i didnt have time... You may need to take them to a cleaner from now on.. same situation for all the things you do that he does not recognize! Either he will come out and ask you whats up and you can tell him, or he will start doing for himself, and at least then your load will be a bit lighter.. OR
#2 GUST TELL HIM outright!.. I would start out by saying all of the good things he does.. "You know honey, I really appriciate that you take your work ethic so seriously, I admire that in you.. and I think your very responsible.. thank you for that.. You know honey there are some things though that have been pestering me and I am hoping you can help me come to a conclusion on how to fix them...

I have learned one thing about men, especially stubborn men :) (being my husband is the most wonderfully stubborn and yet kind man in the world) Never use the " you do this and that" approach.. instead try " I FEEL LIKE I am paying alot of bills and doing alot of the chores, and I need some help" never ever say " you dont do this and that.. it will put anyone on the defensive.. in fact never use those terms in any argument.. never say you do or you make me feel.. If he loves and values you he will hear you even if it takes a bit for him to see it.. but the one thing that is true in any situation T. is this.. You MUST make sure your dreams and needs are met, otherwise all you do will turn to resentment in time.. and we all know where that leads.. If these things do not work, and nothing else does, take an inventory for yourself of what you are getting from this relationship.. and see if it is worth it to YOU :) your the only thing that matters... Good luck hun

1 mom found this helpful

He is liability not an asset. Your a woman--think--why would you or should you go thru the same issues married couples deal with on a day to day basis. Free yourself from this free loader--Thank him for your friendship and move on--trust me. There is a whole world out there waiting for you. He could not get away with this behaviour with any other woman. He is not valuing you as a person-- he is comfortable and you have allowed it.

You deserve better, God created you for greatness, find yourself someone worthy of your sharing your life.

1 mom found this helpful

People treat us the way we let them treat us. What are you getting out of this relationship? You don't have to get angry with him to lay down the law. If he is living there a portion of his pay needs to be going into a pool of money that pays the bills. That goes for any adult living in your house. It is THAT simple. I lived with my husband for 7 years before I married him. We both had jobs. Both of our entire paychecks went into a joint checking account. That builds responsibility and trust. We each got the same amount of spending money each week. Since I paid all the bills I was comfortable with this arrangement. He liked to spend money. I liked to save. We worked together to determine our future. He began to see the benifit of having something for a rainy day. I saw the benifit of enjoying the moment and spending a little. IF you really care about eachother you can work things out - but it starts with YOU putting your foot down and laying the ground work toward a future together - OR not together. If he isn't working with you - he is working against you.

about me: Been married three times now and I finally got it right. It starts with you.

1 mom found this helpful

He's a moocher. I bet he'll start helping when his clothes don't get washed or it's "help yourself" in the kitchen area. What you can do is start eliminating some "extras" like cable/satellite or such subscriptions or things like that which would cause him to really take notice, if he asks what's going one, just say, "well since you don't help w/the bills, I can't keep affording to pay for all these luxuries". If you want them turned back on, you'll have to start paying for them." Or else threaten to kick him out, I know he's a nice guy but you really need to find a real man who respects you & WANTS to help you, not help himself. I put up w/a moocher for about 6months & had enough. I finally was able to kick him out w/the help of friends but it was hard to do since he seemed like the nicest guy at the time plus he just kept getting into my house even when I was gone, he'd be there when I'd get home. I finally just moved out for about 6 MORE months & get a restraining order against him. He finally got the hint & I found a real man that actually HELPS me AND pays the bills too! Belive me, you will find a better man.

1 mom found this helpful

Do you have children and are they his? Yes, this matters. What are you willing to put up with? Is her really doing all that he can? Is he working 60hr work weeks and still getting paid less than you? If he works more hours for less money, I would personally let it slide. If he is blatenly taking advantage of you and disrespecting you then I would do something.
I have gone on strike before. I got my point accross many years ago. After about a week my DH asked me if I knew where all of his underwear was going. I told him that I had put them all in the bottom of his closet because I didn't want to see them laying around and I wasn't going to wash them if I wasn't getting the respect I needed from him. He has never made me feel taken advantage of again.
Decide where your line is and draw it clearly for him.

1 mom found this helpful

Does he help you with anything?? Groceries,etc? I think he just needs a wake-up call...maybe try leaving him to do his own laundry or go on cooking strike for a while. It sounds like he takes you for granted. Have you ever tried giving him an ultimatum? Surely if he thought he was going to lose you, or have to find a place to live other than with you things would change. I wish you the best!! Let me know if you ever want to talk!


1 mom found this helpful

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