82 answers

My Boyfriend Has All the Benefits of Being Married but NONE of the Responsibilit

Me and my boyfriend have been living together for 3 years. I have had numerous discussions with him about equally splitting the bills but that hasn't happened. We were friends for 14 years before we ever started dating. He is the most trustworthy man I have ever been with as far as being faithful is concerned. He is a workaholic but never seems to make time for us anymore. He doesn't want to do anything! I don't know how many get togethers and weddings I've been invited to and have gone by myself or with my girl friends. I spend more time with them than with him because he makes excuses. I understand there are going to be times that you can't always be together (I wouldn't want it like that any way) but he goes overboard. He gets home at about 9:00 p.m.every night. Doesn't show hardly any interest around the house. He has all of the benefits of being married but he has none of the resposibility. I have recently listed all of the household bills and split them equally and gave it to him but he is still not giving me half of the bills. He lives at my house, I wash his clothes and cook for him but his still don't pay half the bills. The amount he pays does not add up to half. When I ask him about it he says he is doing all he can. We do not have any children together.
How would you handle this situation?

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What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

Absolutely NOTHING has changed!
I typed everything out that I have had on my mind, printed it last Friday and left it on the counter for him to read. He has yet to comment on it. I am soo frustrated!

Featured Answers

Why would he marry you if he has all the benefits of being married without the legal aspects?
This man is a lazy,selfish person.
You need to kick him out.
Change the locks ,put his stuff in garbage bags outside and say GOOD RIDDANCE!

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As long as you support him why should he change. You are getting the short end of the stick. I would ask him to move out or move out myself. He is using you.

Sorry to say this honey, but my granny would say, "After all those years, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free???" He's got it made, so why should he change??? I think you deserve better and I hope you get what you want eventually!! Good luck to you!!!

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Are you kidding me? You are sooooo in control of that situation! If you want things to be different, change it. Do you want to get married? It's your house. If you don't want him to live there with no financial responsibility, then give him the option of paying some bills or moving out. Or assign him other duties around the house that will make it all worth it to you. If he won't discuss it with you, put it on paper or say it directly to him, and include a timeline. If he doesn't follow through with an adequate response, kick him out! If you don't want to wash his clothes, then don't. Just stop doing it. And don't call that a marriage, 'cause mine is nothing like what you described. We both work, and we both pay bills, and my husband washes MY clothes. Also, he talks to me when I bring up issues that are important to me.

Your boyfriend does not have the benefits of a marriage; he has the benefits of a sugarmama sex-maid. In a marriage, there is accountability and respect. You have full control of this mess.

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I agree with Laura - ultimatums are never a good solution. Make him want to be there. Give him no reason to want to be anywhere else. Tell him you want to be married to him and if that doesn't come about, you can be happy with your arrangement or move on. If you're too upset about the rent/bills, maybe you suggest taking a step back and get separate places and start dating again. You don't necessarily need to end the relationship, but if he's not being fair about it, we need to back it up to something that is fair. Good luck to you!

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Hi T. :)

You know sometimes the best advice is to point out the obvious. Ever heard the saying why should he buy the cow when he gets the milk for free? Seems to apply nicely in this situation. Now I do not know your guy but if you love him and know him for so long I will think its safe to assume that he is just not getting it :) In other words I don't think he is doing these things on purpose. However in saying that here is what I would do. As I see it you have two options, the outright option, or the teach him a lesson option. You know this guy so seems that you will know what option to use, or in which order to try them.
#1 You have to stop doing everything for him if you are not fulfilled in return. Not to say that you do these things for payment, but if there is one thing i know about us girls, we do things out of love, but darn well expect our needs to be met as well! right ladies? lol. So for example. When he gets up one day for his long work day and asks why he has no clean clothes, just smile and say oh honey sorry but I have been so preoccipied with the bills i didnt have time... You may need to take them to a cleaner from now on.. same situation for all the things you do that he does not recognize! Either he will come out and ask you whats up and you can tell him, or he will start doing for himself, and at least then your load will be a bit lighter.. OR
#2 GUST TELL HIM outright!.. I would start out by saying all of the good things he does.. "You know honey, I really appriciate that you take your work ethic so seriously, I admire that in you.. and I think your very responsible.. thank you for that.. You know honey there are some things though that have been pestering me and I am hoping you can help me come to a conclusion on how to fix them...

I have learned one thing about men, especially stubborn men :) (being my husband is the most wonderfully stubborn and yet kind man in the world) Never use the " you do this and that" approach.. instead try " I FEEL LIKE I am paying alot of bills and doing alot of the chores, and I need some help" never ever say " you dont do this and that.. it will put anyone on the defensive.. in fact never use those terms in any argument.. never say you do or you make me feel.. If he loves and values you he will hear you even if it takes a bit for him to see it.. but the one thing that is true in any situation T. is this.. You MUST make sure your dreams and needs are met, otherwise all you do will turn to resentment in time.. and we all know where that leads.. If these things do not work, and nothing else does, take an inventory for yourself of what you are getting from this relationship.. and see if it is worth it to YOU :) your the only thing that matters... Good luck hun

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He is liability not an asset. Your a woman--think--why would you or should you go thru the same issues married couples deal with on a day to day basis. Free yourself from this free loader--Thank him for your friendship and move on--trust me. There is a whole world out there waiting for you. He could not get away with this behaviour with any other woman. He is not valuing you as a person-- he is comfortable and you have allowed it.

You deserve better, God created you for greatness, find yourself someone worthy of your sharing your life.

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People treat us the way we let them treat us. What are you getting out of this relationship? You don't have to get angry with him to lay down the law. If he is living there a portion of his pay needs to be going into a pool of money that pays the bills. That goes for any adult living in your house. It is THAT simple. I lived with my husband for 7 years before I married him. We both had jobs. Both of our entire paychecks went into a joint checking account. That builds responsibility and trust. We each got the same amount of spending money each week. Since I paid all the bills I was comfortable with this arrangement. He liked to spend money. I liked to save. We worked together to determine our future. He began to see the benifit of having something for a rainy day. I saw the benifit of enjoying the moment and spending a little. IF you really care about eachother you can work things out - but it starts with YOU putting your foot down and laying the ground work toward a future together - OR not together. If he isn't working with you - he is working against you.

about me: Been married three times now and I finally got it right. It starts with you.

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He's a moocher. I bet he'll start helping when his clothes don't get washed or it's "help yourself" in the kitchen area. What you can do is start eliminating some "extras" like cable/satellite or such subscriptions or things like that which would cause him to really take notice, if he asks what's going one, just say, "well since you don't help w/the bills, I can't keep affording to pay for all these luxuries". If you want them turned back on, you'll have to start paying for them." Or else threaten to kick him out, I know he's a nice guy but you really need to find a real man who respects you & WANTS to help you, not help himself. I put up w/a moocher for about 6months & had enough. I finally was able to kick him out w/the help of friends but it was hard to do since he seemed like the nicest guy at the time plus he just kept getting into my house even when I was gone, he'd be there when I'd get home. I finally just moved out for about 6 MORE months & get a restraining order against him. He finally got the hint & I found a real man that actually HELPS me AND pays the bills too! Belive me, you will find a better man.

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Do you have children and are they his? Yes, this matters. What are you willing to put up with? Is her really doing all that he can? Is he working 60hr work weeks and still getting paid less than you? If he works more hours for less money, I would personally let it slide. If he is blatenly taking advantage of you and disrespecting you then I would do something.
I have gone on strike before. I got my point accross many years ago. After about a week my DH asked me if I knew where all of his underwear was going. I told him that I had put them all in the bottom of his closet because I didn't want to see them laying around and I wasn't going to wash them if I wasn't getting the respect I needed from him. He has never made me feel taken advantage of again.
Decide where your line is and draw it clearly for him.

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Does he help you with anything?? Groceries,etc? I think he just needs a wake-up call...maybe try leaving him to do his own laundry or go on cooking strike for a while. It sounds like he takes you for granted. Have you ever tried giving him an ultimatum? Surely if he thought he was going to lose you, or have to find a place to live other than with you things would change. I wish you the best!! Let me know if you ever want to talk!


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Dear T., AND, Why should he ? I mean why should he pay bills, etc. ? He has lived there for 3 years now ? AND, you think it will change ?

T., I do not believe you are an unintelligent person. You may be too good hearted; but, you know the answer to this problem.

It is time to fish or cut bait ! If him not paying one-half of the bills is truly a major issue, then he may have to move on. If you are not prepared for him to do this, then you gotta live with it the way it is !

Girl, I have been there, and I wish you and your family the best. Have a great weekend. Good luck ! God bless !

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He doesn't sound very "trustworthy" to me. He's taking advantage of you - living on your dime (your house, you're paying the bills, you're doing his laundry). He may be working a lot, but you're not getting anything from it!

If that's how he's treating you, I'd kick him out and move on.

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Dear Tracy,
I will be blunt though hopefully, not offensive.
If you ask him to leave what will you miss? You will still have the house. You will notice a drop in the utility bills, less laundry, lower food bill, less mess. You say he is trustworthy...in what way? You are meeting his every need in exchange for sex. Is it Really that Good? Seems like a high price to pay for so little return. Treat yourself like you are worth more than that because he's sure not. :( Do not put the bills in his name. When he doesn't pay, YOU won't have electricity. Why would he worry about his credit report? He's not worrying about You. Getting married will not FIX the problem. It is a license to continue said behavior.
Stop talking. He isn't listening. Get a locksmith to rekey the locks, much cheaper than replacing the locks. Place his goods in some nice hefty garbage bags on the porch. His hearing will improve when he hears the key not unlock the door. His vision will improve when he sees the garbage bags.

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I hate to say it; but either he needs to start helping out with bills and household chores or you need to kick him out. How exactly is he trustworthy? He may be hard at work but that doesn't excuse him from paying at least half of the bills! What would life be like if you were married to him and had children?! If this relationship is worth saving he needs to help out...and I'd go to marriage/couple's counseling. Why are you allowing this to happen in your home?

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Are you kidding me? Dump him!! Trust me...if he is this way now, you dont want to be married to him. Take responsibility for yourself. He has all the benefits of being married because you have given them to him...he has no responsibility because he doesnt have to. Take care of yourself...

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What kind of "trustworthy friend" would do this to a woman? Do you have so little self esteem that you can only be validated by having a man around? KICK him to the curb. NOW.
When he comes home tomorrow night, his things should be waiting for him in the yard and find the locks to the house have been changed. Respectability comes from within and must be learned.

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Dear T.,

It's time to say goodbye - sorry. He obviously doesn't take
this relationship as seriously as you do. He's a freeloader & has it made. Why should he do more - he's getting away without having to do anything. Thank God your not married or have kids. He won't be any better later. Your worth more than that & deserve to be alot happier. There's someone out there that will appreciate you more than he does. Good luck & start looking out for #1!


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Morning T.;

Please take the time to learn how to spell this phase!


Now that you've learn how to spell it, use it and show him
the door! He is simply a "Leach". There are a lot of men
like that! Your wasting your life with a jerk!
B. C

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This may be of NO help and probably what you don't want to hear - but I read a book recently by Dr. Laura on "The Proper Care and Feeding of Your Husband". In this book she is very clear that if a man is being who he is and you don't agree with it or like it then the best thing to do is to let him go and find another. In other words, don't try to change ANY human being to suit your needs - find someone who naturally does. That sucks doesn't it? I was dealing with something similar, and he actually left me for another woman after many years of marriage because he felt that I did not accept him for who he was. I didn't understand it at first - but now I do. I either had to love him in the package he came in, or let him go. It hurt like hell to let him go, but we are probably both better for it. He wanted to be who he was and I wanted a devoted, loving and attentive husband who was more of an adult than another child in the house.
The things he is doing are unfair - I agree - and I'm sure you didn't expect to get into this kind of situation, but now it's time to decide. He's letting you know that this is all he can do and he's obviously, for some reason, not willing to pull his weight. So now the choice is up to you. You cannot control another person's actions - you can only control your own. Decide what you want in your heart and what you are willing to live with and stick with it.
Hopefully someone else has better advice on how to make him comply.
Good luck to you - I hope it gets better.

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I would handle it by giving him an eviction notice. You have given him no reason to marry you, or even help you with household expenses. As long as he can keep using you, he will. He has no reason not to. Of course, if he truly loved you, he wouldn't want to use you; he'd want to share in your life. The fact that he's made no effort to do that proves that he doesn't truly love you, he's just using you. KICK HIM OUT!!!

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T., you have got to make a wise decision here. Ask yourself if you want to go on living like this? If your boyfriend isn't contributing now, what makes you think he will change if you decide to marry? I really think you already know what you need to do and you don't need us to tell you. Wish you well. V.

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Why would he marry you if he has all the benefits of being married without the legal aspects?
This man is a lazy,selfish person.
You need to kick him out.
Change the locks ,put his stuff in garbage bags outside and say GOOD RIDDANCE!

1 mom found this helpful

You have two choices.

1. You can continue to be his unpaid servant, his mother (since you're paying all his bills like she used to), and his...bedmate.

2. Or you can regain some self-respect and kick the jerk to the curb.

"Trustworthy" men do not take advantage of women they love. He's a user, plain and simple. You've already talked to him. You've drawn up a list. And he just continues to use you and you continue to let him.

Kick him out.

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reality check...if the man is not living up to his responsibilities (i.e. paying half the bills, caring for the house, etc) then he is not trustworthy...trust is about more than "is so and so going to cheat on me"...it's about knowing that this person is not going to leave you in the lurch somewhere along the road of life. There is no reason you should be cooking, cleaning, and feeding him if he is not helping out in any way...

I would say he is taking advantage of the situation in a big ways and KNOWS he can get away with it.

Now...If you are supporting yourself and one or more children, figure out what 1/3 or 1/4, etc of the bills are and charge him that...unless they are his kids he is not responsible for paying to care for them...but absolutly should be resonsible for his share of the money and chores around the house.

Plus if you have been living together for over a certain length of time he is considered part of any renters agreement you have and it will be hard to just kick him out, you willhave to give him 30 days notice. I would give him 1 paycheck's notice that he needs to supply his portion of the bills and household chores or he will be formally served with 30 day notice to find a new location to live...

I know this all sounds awfully harsh, and I really am not trying to hurt your feelings in any way, but you (and ANY person) do no deserve to be treated in this manner...it is disrespectful of you and your feelings and takes more of your energy to deal with than it is worth. That wasted time/energy can be spent focusing on your child(ren)...

Good Luck!!!! ;-)

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This is part of the biggest problem with being a "shack-up honey" as Dr. Laura calls it. He gets all the benefits with NONE of the commitment.

Tell him if he is going to act like a roomate he needs to pay X amount each month in rent. And if he is going to act like a husband he needs to put a ring on your finger. His decision. Give him a month. Tell him the rent, or the proposal, is due by the end of the month.

A. <><

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Hi T.,
First let me say that I'm sorry you are going through this. I know your heart is breaking & that this is easier said than done.
My advice is to tell boyfriend to hit the road! And it's time to reexamine your definition of trustworthy. Here's what Webster's says about the word "trustworthy": deserving of trust or confidence; dependable; reliable.
I don't think that all of those adjectives apply to your guy. Trust isn't just about being physically faithful in a relationship. The fact is that he's not trustworthy at all if he's not paying his portion of the bills. He's a workaholic, so what is he doing with his money? If my husband couldn't make ends meet then he would ask for a raise or look for a new job. He tells you he's doing all he can, but he's not. If you have a children, I know that you don't want this kind of example set for them. Frankly, you deserve better. Stand up for yourself & do what's best for you & your children & get rid of him.
I truly hope you are able to find the strength to do this. We are all here for you & behind you 100%!
A. W

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You say you have had many discussions with him and he tells you he's doing his best. If he wanted to participate, he would have done it by now, if he was interested in marriage, he would have brought it up by now.

He's known you for 14 year, obviously he's got you figured out and he is doing all he can to keep things going the way they are because HE CAN. Some people are like that, they will take advantage simply because they can. He may not even be aware of what he's doing but here is what transpires : you're enabling his behavior and he's taking you for granted.

Have you thought of how you want to handle the bills? Asking him for his share of the bills after the fact does not seem like a good idea. If I were you I would think over the details before approaching him, so you show you have thought about it and you even have a "plan".

You deserve better and if you truly want to resolve this, there is no point in giving him an ultimatum (it wont work). You can just let him know that the lifestyle arrangement HAS expired. If he sees you mean it, and you are willing to take steps to make a drastic change, he'll either adjust or get out (or you get him out).

Good luck,

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Kick the looser out. You're not even married. HELLO!!!!!

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Well girlfriend, this man is just not meeting your needs. As women one of our basic needs is security. From what you say he isn't pulling his weight and your aren't married. 0 for 2. I know he is probably a guy with a lot of redeeming qualities but when your heart and stability are on the line those other qualities go right out the window! I had a boyfriend for several years who was a decent guy but he just never put me first. By the time we broke up I was so burnt out with having to handle everything. Let me tell you people are in charge of how and when they change, you will not change that man girl. If you want your life to be different you will have to take authority of your own decisions. It really is hard when you are going through it, but so worth it in the end. A few years after ending that dead end relationship I met and married a wonderful man. So glad I did not end up married to someone that I would have to play mommy/wife to. Hang in there! You are a smart capable woman and you do deserve to be someone's object of desire and love.

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Is there a child involved? You need to get a clear picture...is he really doing "all he can?" What exactly is He doing? Is he paying for anything? I suggest you take a sheet of paper and write the pros and cons...list the things he does and the things he doesn't do that you believe he should...Where does he stand? Good, Bad, or indifferent? Is the situation something you're willing to live with indefinitely? If not, try to talking with him again. Let him know your expectations and that you're not someone he can "mooch" off of forever...

I'm assuming that since you're on a mama chat place that you have children together? I think that the problem is that living together does not necessarily mean that there is a committment to you or by you. To sit him down and tell him what you expect of him doesn't really work, because really the reason he's there is a matter of convenience, and you're right, there's no reason he should contribute...he's got it pretty easy.
I don't know if you've been married before this relationship, but when my husband works late and forgets that we need him around here. We find ways of enticing him home and making him feel special...that we appreciate him providing for us.
You might try reaching his heartstrings and making him realize that he can have so much better in life...with you (and kids?) and that you have his best interests in mind, not just your own.
Personally, I feel that marriage (the way God designed it) is the best kind of relationship to express this committment, but I also feel that a man has to come to this without feeling maniputated into it or he will resent you.
Make him crazy for you (and your kids?), and here's a wild recommendation, try going to church together...lift him up in prayer...God can work with both of your hearts...and change the dynamic of your relationship and your lives.

I hate to say it, but if he is not coming home till 9pm, he either is lieing about not having enough to pay half of the bills, or he is lieing about being at work so much and some other woman is getting some of those benefits you are missing out on! Either way, dump him! You have already put up with it for way too long! you have let him know how you feel, and showed him the bills! He should be trying to pay all or most of the bills, since he has the benefit of living in a house that you have already put a down payment on and paid xxx on the principle!. your idea of a good man is not reality. This is definitely "NOT" a good man! I wouldn't even give him another chance, I would just get him out of your house!

You say he is the most trustworthy man you've ever been with which tells me you need to move on. He's not trustworthy. He's taking advantage of you. Any man that lets his girl support him is a bad catch. You can do sooooo much better. Start looking. Best wishes.

I'm sure you've heard the saying
Why buy the milk when you have the cow??Hes comfy and doesn't care.He'll continue as long as YOU allow it.Think about it.Do something about it if YOU want results.

I can't imagine you actually need advise, you know what needs to be done... you don't need advise you need support to make the hard choice to sh** or get off the pot!

Put him out. Think with your head not your heart


Hi T...... I see you have 60 responses. What are you going to do?
We are ALL rooting for you!
T. S.

Please do not take this the wrong way, but you let this happen an only you can change it. Write up a lease agreement stating everything he would need to pay. Both sign and date, if he fails to pay then evict him. Sorry to say this but if he truly loved you in the way someone who wants to spend their life with you, he would pay more than his part and be there for you.

Personally he needs to contribute both financially as well as emotionally. My husband and I split our joint bills. I make less so my % is less. I think nothing wrong with this. There is NO reason for you to be bearing the financial burden with someone else. He's a roommate getting the milk for free! He should be ashamed of himself. Working and not helping around the house or with your child seems to make little of no sense.

Benefits of being married is having a PARTNER to share life with. NOT a roommate with benefits.

Make clear Boundaries with CLEAR consequences - like GET OUT or live with a freeloader. good luck

Kick him out. He's doing it because you're letting him!!

I would give him the boot. He is doing less that what the benefits of being married are, NOTHING. You know thats what needs to happen so stop letting him walk all over you and do what is right for you and your family. Good luck.

Kick him out. Stop letting him treat you as a doormat. I am wondering if your man has another woman that he spends the best part of the evenings with and then comes home too tired to you. The fact that he is "working" so hard and not paying anything leads me to wonder if he is really even working...my biological dad got fired and was laid off for several months before my Mother ever found out...he left the same time every day. Regardless, three years is enough time for him to make a committment. I am sorry you have not had more respect for yourself, but he clearly has no respect for you. Get him out of there honey and take care of yourself. You have us and God to love you, your worth does NOT come from the companionship of a man! Be alone for a while and set your standards higher before you jump back in the game.

Oh honey...you have a SPOILED "BOY" on your hands!!!! You need to stop doing everything for him IMMEDEATELY! You have spoiled him. People only do, or don't do in your case, what they know they can get away with. He doesn't respect you or he would give what you have to say, about the bills, consideration and an honest answer...yes or no. In a round about cowardly way he has told you no, you just don't seem to want to listen. It seems like he has been pushing your relationship boudaries for a while waiting for you to put your foot down. Demand the respect you deserve! I have been in a very similar, if not identical situation for 4 yrs.(aside from the bills thing). I eventually realized only I can make me happy, another person only adds to that happiness! If you dont respect yourself enough to put your foot down and flat out demand (in a civil, straight forward way) what you need from the relationship, he is not going to give it to you! Be strong! Love yourself above all others and that love will come back to you in numbers!!!! God bless, good luck.

Show the bf the door and dont look back.

You've received a slew of responses...and these are all women who know what they're talking about. Probably alot have been there...done that.
You sound like a very warm and giving person. I'm sure you love this person alot...but you know what.....You're settling. You think this is the best you're going to get and you're going to give it your all. As the other respondees have said...stop paying the bills...the washing, etc. I've been there too....and now I found the person who respects me and would never treat me like your man is treating you.
Please....do it for yourself...stop the madness and get your life in order. Not only is your life waiting to happen...but once you close this door...there will be windows of opportunity opening for you..You just have to do it.

I'd be packing or he'd be packing. That's not a friend. That's someone using you & I think you know it.

I would give him an ultimatum: either marry me and shape up, or get out. Give him a week, and then pack his clothes and set them out by the porch. he is taking advantage of you. and i wouldn't too excited about marrying him, frankly. is this what you want your life to be like>

You need to wake up, big time! "He lives at my house, I wash his clothes and cook for him but his still don't pay half the bills. When I ask him about it he says he is doing all he can." Unless you are an heiress or the recipient of some unlimited trust fund... By the way, you say "He never seems to make time for us anymore". Who's the us? Just the two of you? Or are there children? If there are children, that's a whole other situation. He absolutely has support obligations. Set a date for him to pay his share and if he doesn't, out he goes!

I think you should stop cooking for him and stop doing the laundry for him. If he doesn't want to contribute to your "family" then he needs to decide that and go on his way. One way to help him decide what he wants is to quit doing things for him. He will either realize what is going on and try to work things out with you or he will go on his way. You are giving him too much! You are not a door mat and should not be treated as such. You are a daughter of God who loves you and wants what is best for you.

What would I do?

I would immediately stop cooking his meals, washing his clothes, etc. I would stop paying any bills that do not directly affect me (maybe his car payment).

You could then give him an ultimatum if that is the way you want to go. Either you get married and have a joint bank account, or he move out. I would just jump straight to the kicking him out.

I'd tell him to start splittin the bills or find someone else to do his chores!
Obivously he thinks he's got the ideal situation---another MOM to look after him. And that's basically what you're doing.
Sometimes, guys just need ultimatums---cuz you can say different things or the same things as many times as you want as many WAYS as you want, and they're still not going to pay attention or care.
Break it down for him again. Put it in writing and get him to sign. And stipulate that should he neglect to follow these agreed upon "rules", there will be consequences and tell him the consequence is him findin a new girl.
If he's working "overtime" til 9pm, he can afford to help out.
Good luck!

stop doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundering, and bill paying. when his clothes aren't washed, it's his responsibility. if his half of the bills aren't paid, he'll suffer the consequenses. it's tough love, but he'll walk all over you forever if you let him

I would kick him out. "Trustworthy" people like that you don't need.

Hi T., I know you have a lot of responses here, but I haven't seen anyone adress this so I am going to. If he's working all the time...where is his money going? Someone touched close that he should either be making loads of overtime or he's not at work. If he's not paying bills is he saving up to move out? I ask because as hard as this is to hear I have seen it happen. If he's not married to you he can leave whenever he wants. I see people saying to kick him out, but could it be possible that he is simply using you to save up for his dream house? without you? As hard as this is I think you need to take a step back and really look at the situation, perhaps with a friend that is more familiar. This same thing happened to a friend of mine and she was nearly destroyed because she didn't see it coming. Please take care of yourself first.
I also am curious if there are children, if there are then you do need to think about them. His leaving does not neccesarily mean they don't see him again. But it does mean he has a very real legal responsibility to you and them. You may even have to talk to a lawyer before everything is said and done. I hope it does not come to that. But please take a look at what is going on and then take a look at what YOU need to happen. Is the worst thing really the worst thing?

1. He's NOT going to change - either accept it and shut your trap or end it - for good.
2. You need to ask yourself - EVEN IF your were married to him would this be the kind of relationship you want? You obviously know the answer and just need to get it over with.

If there is a child involved, you need to be especially sensitive and not damage the relationship between father and child.


I agree with the other ladies so I won't repeat what they said, but I have to point this out. First of all, when he moved in did the two of you agree to split the expenses? If so, how can you call him "trustworthy"--he obviously doesn't keep his word. Second, he says he's "doing all he can" -- if this is true and what he's doing is the best he can do, is that what you want for the rest of your life?

Let me just echo what one other mom said, don't think for one minute that what your boyfriend is doing is like being married. My husband would never think to treat me the way your boyfriend is treating you and I would never let him!

I know it seems hard now, but you can do sooooo much better!

Good Luck,

I am sorry to say this but I don'think he loves you. A man who loves a woman would not act like that. There are ways to show love to a person without saying the words, but being downright rude is a sign that he has no respect for you and probably himself. I think that you should ask him to move out and find yourself a decent man. One who acts like a man in love. I found true love at 39 years old and am still happy 10years later.
All the best. I hope you either shock him into reality or get a new man who loves you how you deserve to be loved.

Dear T.,
I know you care for this man, otherwise he would not be spending all your time caring for him with the prospect of making of home for the two of you. BUT... if you're doing all the work and him none (not even with bills), then it's time to send him home. You mentioned he spends more time at your house, sounds like he's got a home.

As harsh as it sounds, with your writing to us, it sounds like you want to give an ultimatium but are afraid of the outcome. You have to decide what to do and not be afraid. As the saying goes, “If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were.”

Good luck,

Find a new boyfriend.

Hi T.,
First off, I was in a similar situation when my now husband and I were much younger. He'd never lived on his own and I was a more independent person and had my own apartment, job (he had a job), etc. and he just spent so much time there that it became where he had a key and had full access. He would cook and buy groceries and so he thought this meant he was doing his part (I didn't do his laundry though and still don't). My own space, my respect for myself, and my independence was cramped and I eventually asked him to give me the key back and explained that this was MY place because I was paying all of the bills and he needed to just take the things that were his and get out. We didn't break up, but he, as a man needed to be communicated to about what was what, and how much things costs (i.e. GROCERIES don't pay for bills). He was mad, but got over it because he loved me and wanted to be with me. In the end, he respected me more because I supported myself and wouldn't accept that he wouldn't do the same. We only moved in with each other when we were much older and had definite plans to get married, which we did and now have 3 children and my husband is NOT one of those children. LOL.
A woman can only take so much. I can only give you my story and without all of the details, I can't give you solid advice. Just that YOU set the standards for how you should be treated and men make a lot of laid back assumptions. The house is in your name (?), the bills?, then YOU are in control. He has no legal recourse to be there. I believe that if you haven't presented yourselves and husband and wife(you'd need to double check this for sure), then in Texas you are not common law.
You can sit down and lay out a plan to change the bills into his name (turning off your name completely) then he has credit responsibility, (which this would require his cooperation) or you can just tell him to pay up or get out. The only other alternatie is for him to make a deposit into your account for the total half of the bills each month, but he has to have a consequence if this doesn't happen.

Let go of the fact that he is trustworthy. There are LOTS of men who are trustworthy, but without being coupled with respect, the trustworthiness means nothing.

Best of luck-

I personally think you should give hime an ultimatum of marriage(if that's what u want) or find another cook and maid. Let someone else be a slave to him and find someone who wants to help you and appreciate everthing you have to offer. If he stays and doesn't help, you will only resent him more everyday and you will have the same argument over and over.

You say he is "trustworthy." Has he ever agreed to paying half and then not paid? Something does not add up.

Since marriage is a legal contract and you do not have that I strongly strongly suggest that you draw up a legal contract of your own-- pay half or go find your own place.

Just because you do for someone does not mean they will do for you. Sometimes the more you do, the less you get (married or not.) It sounds like you are in a tough spot, and I think you know what you have to do-- hopefully you get validation from this group.


ps in response to those who say "marry me or" think twice (no, ten times ) before following this advice. A marriage license will NOT change the way the relationship is going. Fix it BEFORE marriage.

Think about having things put in his name (half of the bills) so if they do not get paid it effects his credit report, etc.

As long as you support him why should he change. You are getting the short end of the stick. I would ask him to move out or move out myself. He is using you.

What incentive does he have to do anything you ask? He can just keep on doing what he's doing and you'll let him.

He is taking you for granted though and using you and you are letting him do it. If I were you I'd just stop doing for him... don't wash his clothes, cook for him , etc. When he confronts you just tell him when he starts taking care of his share of the household bills and duties, then you'll start taking care of him....

Or just tell him to take care of his responsibilities there or find his own place to live...

kick the bum out, you are being screwed

I would go on strike! I wouldn't do a dang thing. If he doesn't have anything to wear, that's too bad, maybe he should wash his own clothes. I'd put a lock on the fridge, and only make enough food to feed myself and the kids. If he's hungry he needs to go and get his own food. Then let him try to cook it with no clean dishes. And if that doesn't bring about some change, then he's not worth your time or energy. I would also stop putting out. If he can't do anything for you then you shouldn't meet any of his "needs." I think everyone who has posted already agrees; the man may wear the pants, but the woman has got a hold of what's in them and that puts her in control!

Get rid of the freeloading mooch... If he hasn't stepped up to the plate by now, he won't.

Basically, "why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?"

Trust me I say this from experience.....

When you stop doing everything around the house, cooking, cleaning, ect. he will open his eyes and realize you need to be treated and respected more than just as a maid and a second mamma. Thank your lucky stars you are not married cause the next thing you need to do is have all his stuff packed and ready to go tonight at 9pm, when he returns home. You need a man, not a child...no matter how trustworthy he may appear. Also, someone who is trustworthy is someone who is responsible and pays bills on time and someone you don't have to remind to pay the bills or even ask to pay. Do some thinking about this one cause you will be better off without this hassle.

Just remember whatever you date is what you marry. Do not think that he is going to change after you marry. Most of the time that stay the same or get worst.

Sorry to say this honey, but my granny would say, "After all those years, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free???" He's got it made, so why should he change??? I think you deserve better and I hope you get what you want eventually!! Good luck to you!!!

Marry me and take care of me as a husband would - or leave! If he's working all of the time, I wouldn't worry about the chores - but a husband, a true man wants to take care of his wife - especially financially. Financially he needs to split everything. But I personally would demand a marriage and all that that includes financially or he can get his own place.

Ok, he is not giving you half on the bills, what is he doing with his money? You can do bad all by yourself. Kick him to the curve. You are not his built in house maid. Which is what he treats you like. Girl WAKE up.....

He's a grown man, I assume. You are not his momma either, stop acting like it. He needs to grow up, pay his own bills, do his own laundry. Quit being a doormat and show him the door. Don't let him back until he wants a partner not another mother and is willing to accept his part of the responsiblity. If it works out great, if not, better to find out now rather than in ten years.
Best of luck,

ever heard the expression, "Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?"
But remember...Milk expires, and gets sour when left out...
take care of yourself first and foremost, the rest will fall into place.
no man is worth, your self worth.
Good Luck,

Hi T.,
If he's like this now what do you think he will be like when you marry him. It seems that the only possative quality that he has is being trustworthy. Trustworthy people don't stiff other people for rent, food, bills, and doing their share around the house. Also being a workaholic is not a posative. I have never heard of a loving boyfriend coming home at 9:00 every night unless thats when he gets off work.
You need to have another little talk with this freeloader and very firmly give him a bill for past bills and present bills and a time frame to pay them and if they are not payed by that time ask (tell) him to leave!!!!!!
Come on T. do you really think this is what love is, the give and take of a relationship. If so you are living in lala land.
Because if you let them they will!! and you will spend your whole life being bitter.

Good luck W.

I agree with the majority here. It may be too late for him to change also. Take my word on this one. If u feel that u will be in the "market" again...it is much easier when u r young. Make your decision now so that u do not wake up 10 yrs from now saying to yourself "what have I got" or "it is time to start all over again." Good luck

I would say stop being his wife. Stop washing his clothes and cooking for him. Don't do anything that he has come to expect. Maybe he will stop and realize that he was taking advantage. At least then you might get his attention enough to talk to him about how you feel. If treating him like a roommate doesn't work, then I would evict him. If he really is having financial difficulties he should explain them and maybe you can work something out. But as long as he is getting the benefits and no responsibility he is unlikely to change.
Good Luck

You need to put him out. He is very immature and if he is doing these kinds of things before marriage things will never change.

I asked my hubby his opinion, partly for a guy perspective and partly because we were friends for a long time before marriage, just like your situation. He said, "Kick his butt out." I was surprised because my hubby is the sweetest person in the world and always sees the good in everyone. So that should tell you something!

Have him find his own place!
It sounds like your friends thinks he is doing you a favor

If you do not find someone for a while, enjoy living by yourself, and taking care of yourself. Take that time you spend working on his stuff and go volunteer for some organization that will appreciate you and maybe you will find that special one there.

You are worth it. Do not settle, it is great to have someone who is eager to spend time with you, help you grow and just enjoy you.

PUT HIM OUT!!!!!!!!! You are being used he is milking the cow and getting the milk free. Stop living together and find someone who respects you enough to marry you and assume responsibilty for you and show you love. He may not be working all those hours. Been there and heard that. Leave or put him out, you are being used.

Tell him to GET OUT!!!

Everyone is right . Start with not washing his clothes and then when your heart gets around to it have him evicted. It will get easier as your heart gets freer you may find that happiness is better than lonelyness and being a maid to a freeloader. Sorry there is no other term to use to describe him ...best of luck

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