My Baby Going to Funeral of an Infant???

Please don't take him. My son died a few years ago and it was so disturbing to hear little kids during my son's funeral. I wanted to scream at the parents for disrupting "my last moments" with my son. Plus, one of the girls from my daycare saw my son's body in the casket and had nightmares for months afterwards (he was her friend). I have personally been there and I think it is completely rude.

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DO NOT TAKE HIM!!! He is wayyyy to young to process this type of grief, nor should he have to. Let him be a happy little boy for as long as he can!!

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My dad died in May, 2 months ago. He had 11 grand-children from 10 months to 6 years. None attended the funerals. We asked the oldest ones (5 and 6) and they were scared to go so we organized daycare for all the kids that day. Here are some of the reasoning behind:
- For you: you will have to stay at the back/next to a door in case you need a quick exit (even if your son is normally an angel, the fact to see you and all the people cry may upset him a lot) so YOU will "miss" the cereony even if you are physically there
- For your son: He is not 3 yet so death is not a concept he can grasp yet. My son (38 months)is growing a bean tree and keep some to give to grandpa who is dead when he will visit us! He will have to be quiet but not able to understand what is happening. He will see everybody cry, especially you. It can be a traumatizing experience.
- For the other attendees, especially the suffering parents: they need silence and respect. A crying/whining/curious child could be a real disturbance for their last moments with their little one.

- For your husband, I agree with him that you should not shield your son fro what is going on in your lives. You can explain to him, in his words and according to your religious beliefs, that his baby cousin died and that you are going to the funerals. He doesn't need to experience the traumatizing part that funerals are. If he would ask where babies come from, you would explain him (the same way, his words, your values) you wouldn't show him an adult movie. So, don't shield him, but don't expose him to more than he can take at 32 months.

My condolences to the family

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He's not even three- does he sit with you and pay the bills, watch the nightly news, go to work?? Please shield him from what is going on in your lives. He is too young to understand and that's what parents do- shield their children from the evils of the world until they are old enough to process what is going on.
Condolences to your sister in law and the rest of the family.

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Have you spoken to your SIL? She may give you her blessing to let your son stay at home. I know this is such a difficult time for her right now but she may also want your father to watch her baby girl while the funeral is going on too! She probably isn't getting the chance to think about it while she's caring for her newborn, but dedicated grieving time is essential to the healing process.

If you decided to bring your cute, wild card 3 year old to the funeral, what's the worst that could happen? A) He could get emotionally overwhelmed and be impossible to console, which could mean you or your husband have to leave the funeral early... B) He could be oblivious to the emotional turmoil and want to be a cute rambungctious 3 year old, giggling and yelling and running around the place, which could mean you or your husband have to leave early.

Your husband has a great point with not wanting to shield your son from your lives and I encourage him to hold onto that idea the whole time your son is growing up. This is still an opportunity to teach your son compassion. At home, sit down and talk to your son calmly in little kid words about how sad everyone is and help him make a sympathy card for your SIL's family to help make them feel better. Bring the card with you and give it to your SIL. That way he does have the opportunity to support your family as well, without the potential to disrupt a solemn and tragic memorial.

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I went to a funeral for a baby boy who died of SIDS over four years ago and still remember it as one of the saddest things I had ever seen. My son was real young at the time and would have likely been tramatized by all the crying and seeing so many people upset who could not be helped. I would say that one day you will want to talk about his cousin with him but he is too young to be comfortable and included at this point in time

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I agree that he's not going to be a good sitter and/or listener and will probably be even more of a disruption than it's worth to have him there.

I also agree that he's just a little too young to go to something like this. Plenty of time to learn about death later when he can assimilate it better without internalizing it too much. You don't want to freak him out after all.

Take the safe course and leave him home.

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Your husband is wrong about this, B.. There is no reason in the world that is good enough to push this on a child this young. The only good thing that will happen is that he doesn't know what the heck is going on. The bad things that can happen are endless.

People are at that funeral to grieve with the parents. They don't need little children there who they feel that they cannot cry in front of. My children went to my father's funeral and one was a pallbearer. They are teenagers, strong and tall and bigger than me. It was hard on them, and my younger son cried. That's what your husband is talking about - not shielding from reality. A 32 month old can only have nightmares and weird feelings form something like this.

I hope you don't do this thing.
D.

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I can see your huband's point about shielding, but there is also your SIL to consider. Is it going to make her loss more painful to see her nephew, or is she close to him and would find him a comfort. It IS important that children learn that everyone dies someday, and sometimes that person is a child or baby, but if they ae too young to get what is going on, it will just be upsetting.
My sympathies to your family at this sorrowful time, and I wish you peace.

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Do not take him. He is too young and it isn't appropriate to scare him as all the adults around him are upset.

I ache for your SIL.

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You have gotten a lot of answers already but here is my 2 Cents:

A funeral is not something that a 3 year old can really understand - regardless of who it is for! It is more likely that him being there would 1. Distract you and your husband from really listening and participating in the service and grieving yourselves AND 2. It may make the Mother and Father and others think things like "my son/grandson/etc. will never be that age! If your son was older then I would agree with your husband about "shielding him" because adults are so uncomfortable with death that we have a hard time talking about it with our children!

Here are some options:
1. Have him attend the visitation if there is one
2. Have your Father bring him with you to the service so that family can see him and he can be a part of the gathering before the service starts - then he and your Father can head off to play or do something fun.
3. Same as above but have him come at the end or if there is a lunch or other family gathering AFTER the service.

Regardless of what you decide about his attendance - do talk with him about the loss your family is experiencing! Let him know that everyone is very happy because he has a new girl cousin but that there was also supposed to be a boy cousin who died and everyone is very sad. He needs to know this part of the family history since I am sure that the funeral will not be the final time when emotions will be raw and expressed.

Good luck and I am so sorry for this difficult yet joyous time your family is going through - it must be really hard for everyone.

blessings,
Stacy

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I wouldn't recommend bringing him. He's too young to understand what's going on and would probably be upset, scared and/or confused by the service and all the emotions. Plus, he might have trouble sitting still or acting appropriately and could be a disruption to you and to others. I think you will have a better experience if you leave him home and attend alone so you can grieve, help your SIL as needed, and not worry about taking care of a young child.

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A three yr old is way too young to go to a funeral and it could cause him a great deal of upset. I would get a sitter to watch your child during the service and anything afterwards. You may want to sit down with him to let him know in very simple words what happened to one of the babies after the funeral when you are composed. I would just say that one of Aunt... and uncle... babies was born very sick and has gone to heaven to be an angel for God. Then let him know Aunt... and Uncle will be ok and she is coming home from the hospital soon but tel him they ay just be sad about the baby boy but are happy to have a baby girl. Tell him the girl baby is not sick and he can meet her soon when Aunt... is home. I would also ask him if he has an questions and answer them simply too, 3 yr old does not need details and won't understand them. Hope this helps and hugs for your sis in law.

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I would leave him with your father. I don't think he would understand what was going on - does he even get the concept of death yet? I think if my 3 year old were in that position, he would get upset and ask a lot of questions loudly that I wouldn't want to answer at the time. I think it would be much better to have that conversation at home, if at all. That way he won't be shielded from what is going on but he will be spared witnessing a depth of sadness and emotion he isn't equipped to handle yet. If your husband is determined, talk about it with your son beforehand and see how he reacts to the subject and to how emotional you get while discussing it. It might give you an idea how he would react at the funeral.

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In our culture we always take all ages of children to all funerals. As family members we help each other care for all of the children..

But...One thing I will tell you, this sounds like a very emotional time for all of you. It may be best for your dad to watch him at home during the funeral itself, but if the family gathers for a meal after wards, maybe your dad could take your son to that gathering. Your son will bring comfort to you, your husband and the other adults, to help remind you that there are still a lot of great things going on in your lives..

I am so sorry for all of you and this terrible loss. I am sending you all peace.

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I think that it might be appropriate to take him to the visitation ( if there is one on the evening before the funeral services) but I would not take him to the funeral itself.
He is too young to really understand what is going on and I would think that he could be very disruptive during the services themselves. I do not think this is "shielding him from what is going on in your lives" I think this is just realizing the age of your son and what he is capable of dealing with. If you and your husband were having a disagreement about something else in your lives, would you want him there, in the middle of all of the emotion,just so you could say you weren't shielding him ? There are things that are appropriate for children and some things that aren't.
You need to be able to concentrate on your own emotions and on being supportive to your sister in law during this most difficult of times. You can explain to your son, at a 3 year old level, what has happened, and help him deal with his own questions and emotions about this loss.
Do you have a Pastor or Priest who could visit with you and your husband about whether this funeral is the place for such a young child?
I think this could be very traumatic for your son and flood his little head with so many emotions and fears, I think that your husband should reconsider and allow him to stay at home with his Grandpa.
Please extend my sympathy and prayers to your SIL and her family, I know that their hearts are broken.

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Again, my condolences on your loss.(I answered when you asked about how to celebrate the baby girl at the hospital). I think you need to leave your son out of the funeral. He is too young to understand death, and he will only be upset by all the emotions around him. Your focus would have to be entirely on him, not on your own grief and that of your family.
My mother passed away in May, and 4 great grandchildren came to the service. It was emotional, but not the same as a service for an infant. The 11 year old handled her own grief, aided by her parents. My 5 year old granddaughter asked lots of questions, answered by her mom and me and everyone else she asked. She is old enough to begin to understand death. The 3 year old (just had the birthday a week before, so a young 3) did not understand except that Mimi was gone and everyone was sad. He is not overly sensitive, and no one was sobbing around him. The 1 year old was oblivious to most of it except the mood. Each of these is an only child, and each one had the decision made by their own parents. The 3 year old, closest to yours in age, is a sturdy little guy who loved his Mimi and understood only a little about death. Your situation is different. Please spare your son the heavy emotions and explain to him what happened at his level. You aren't shielding him from anything he is prepared to deal with.

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We take our kids everywhere (always have.) This includes meetings, wakes, funerals, classes, etc. They are now 5 and just turned 3. We took them to a funeral about a month ago. But since they have been exposed to all these things SINCE babies, they sit quietly and listen well.

IF your son does not sit well or will get upset, then probably leave him at home for the funeral.

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I know your husband doesn't want to "shield" him from these family events, but your son won't get anything out of the funeral at 32 months, and, if he's anything like either of my kids, will be a disruption to others there. In our family, (we've had several funerals in the last few years), kids are welcome, but those of us who have childcare have not brought our kids, and those who were from out of town were envious of those of us who were in-town and therefore were able to leave our kids at daycare. It's hard to digest the meaning of the funeral when you're chasing children. You might end up missing the whole thing yourself while you're outside with your son.

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i think it really depends on your child. When my son was 7 months old and my daughter was 3.5 my husbands cousin's 12 week old baby died of SIDS. We took the kids to the funeral, but we did not take them to the coffin. they sat and did very well.

However, now that my son is 22 months old, i would NOT take him. he does not sit still well and he is a very loud child. I do not think that is appropriate or respectful of the situation at hand.

i really think it depends on your own child and how you think he would handle the situation.

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I have take my son to a funeral at around that age but we ended up outside the church for most of it. I'd say leave your son home. In my situation it was an older relative who was sick for a while and I was not very emotional about it. In your case it sounds like you and other close relatives will all be upset and not so able to focus on what your son needs. He did not know the baby so he doesn't need to be part of the funeral this time around.

By all means talk to him about what is going on and that the baby died and then expect to keep answering questions for a while. We are talking about this a lot recently with my 4 year old son because our cat died earlier this month. We had told him she was old and sick (21, a very old cat) and we let him see her briefly when she died. We are still hearing questions and comments and he is putting it together a little at a time. Today he talked about wishing no one had to die and wishing he could have met older relatives he has heard stories about. My point is that young kids don't understand or process death like adults. At just under 3 he will know people are upset and only get the very basic concepts.

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Leave him with your father, I think everyone else did a pretty good job of listing the reasons why.

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I would not take him, he is too young and the subject is too difficult and painful. Leave him with your father while you morn your families loss.

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IMHO, your son is far too young to understand what is going on and to be able to properly process it. I think children DO need some shielding from some things in life until they're old enough to handle them. I would get him a sitter and not take him to the funeral. He may still have some questions about why everyone is crying, etc., and you can address those in an age-appropriate way, but I agree with you that it could be traumatic for him to go to the funeral.

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We've taken children to funerals as young as 18 months, but stayed towards the back as to not disturb. That said, I believe your instincts are sensitive to the nature of the mourning that you are involved in, and I would leave my child with your father, if he doesn't plan on attending the funeral, or a sitter if he does.

If it was a grandparent or someone in the family that he would have known that is closely related who had passed then I might bring him so that he would understand and say good-bye.

It's ok for him to be sensitive and learn to cry with those who mourn, and know that he is a bright spot for those around him that are grieving, but it sounds like the grief is so powerful that this life lesson may be better for another time.

The funeral in this case wouldn't be providing him closure, I would agree that it may be overwhelming for a little guy. This kind of decision is best made case by case.

Will be praying for the family. I can't imagine the sadness over the death of their son, and the joy for the birth of their daughter at the same time....I'm so sorry.

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I wouldn't take him. Not only will all the emotion be overwhelming, what if he gets needy or whiny or is just over the whole thing. How are you going to handle caring for your little one when your emotions are so raw. You need time to say goodbye and grieve as well. Just tell hubby that you want to be there for the family without the worry of if your son is ok and being tended to. True story, I took my son to a wake when he was almost three and he darn near knocked the casket over!! There were people milling around and he just slipped up there. SO, I say leave him with grandpa and go and mourn and spend time with your family. I am so very sorry for your loss, I wish you and your family all the best.....hugs...

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Our next-door-neighbor and close friend passed away when my middle daughter was the same age your son is now. Our neighbor was only 33 and had a 5-year-old (same age as my oldest). I did not take my children to the funeral, but even without attending the funeral, my 2-year-old was very upset and asked a lot of questions, like 'who will take care of me if you and daddy die?' If I would've taken her to the funeral and she'd seen everyone she cared about, including me, crying their eyes out, I'm sure it would've been too much for her. She would've been even more traumatized than she already was. Your husband is correct in a sense, you are shielding your son, but there are certain things that a 2 year old is not ready for and SHOULD be shielded from, and I think this is one of them. My sincere condolences on your family's loss.

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I don't think he should attend. He's not even 3. He does not and will not understand. He won't remember either. I think it's best for all of the adults if a child was not present (distractions). I don't see it as shielding him from life. You can deal with that when he's older. For the time being, I would suggest leaving him at home. Not to mention, I feel very strongly that him being exposed to such an event could create a whole lot of anxiety for him that you may not even recognize. This happened with my son. He experienced some things, at the same age, that didn't seem like such a big deal to me. He was acting out horribly and this went on for many, many months. It was after the fact that it was clear to me. My thoughts are with you all, even if you are strangers to me. Maybe take him to any gatherings with the family, after funeral.

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As a daughter of a minister, infant and children funerals are the hardest for all parties, including family and friends. Your son is not of the age to understand what is going on and will only be a distraction to the family and others at the funeral if he begins to become upset. If this happens, one of you will need to go outside with him, leaving the funeral, which would be much worst than leaving your son at home.

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Do not take him. 3 is too young.
There are other occasions later in life where you will take your son.

I say "shielding him" until he is 5, 6, or 7 is just fine!

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Your child being there will only bring more pain, the parents of the child will see your child and think of the fact that their child is not there with them. No this is not a good idea. Children also do not need to be around people that are upset over the death of another child. When they are older that is time enough.

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Oh B., I am so sorry to hear of your families loss. When there are twins, it puts even more of a twist on the situation. Celebrating life while filled with grief. (((HUGS)))) and prayers to your family.
In regards to your post... If you are able, I do feel you should arrange daycare for your toddler. He is 2 years old and very BUSY. The funeral for babies are so different than Grandpa Bill. I have been to them and actually, many churches here will arrange for DayCare at the church during service. Yes, I do agree with your hubby in that you should not shield him, but the truth is you are already going through the emotional roller coaster so it will be no different than when you guys came home after meeting as a family. Yes he is closer to 3 than to 2, but even at his age, he will not make the connection with the funeral, death, dying and the funeral. Just something developmentally they can not comprehend. This is a 4 year old skill. So let your Toddler spend some special time with Grandpa and be there to support your brother/sister in-law. I do feel sometimes when these situations come up, that many people cling to their own children as they feel greatful to have them and feel the need to keep them closer.
Sorry again for the family loss. Help your "sister" get and keep many keepsakes from this baby. When I have worked with parents where this has happened, I have seen so many things that made memories... I have seen even ballon releases where they would tie a blue and pink balloon together and ties the "pink one in your case" higher and did a balloon release after the funeral with the "Pink living baby" carrying the "Blue spirited baby" to heaven. Many Blessings to you and the family.

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My husband and I discussed this. We both agree that because this is a funeral of a BABY/CHILD that this may open up some nightmare thoughts for your son. He is old enough for funerals of people older than himself, but not for a baby. It will raise all sorts of fears about himself dying that he isn't old enough to sort out or to know to ask you about.

Our 10 year old and 6 year old have been to several funerals. My daughter went to one for an infant, but she was only about 10 months old herself and didn't view the child. They have not been sheltered from death by any means: funerals for adult friends and family members and also for our beloved pets.

We recommend asking someone who is not planning to attend the funeral to watch your son. If your SIL has other children, they will probably be at the funeral, but that is something different because they were emotionally affected by this death and may wish to say good-bye. This does NOT mean that your son HAS to attend.

Go with your gut on this one, but remember - your husband only wants to what is right for your son, too, so don't make him feel like a big, bad monster. He has instincts about raising your son, too. He's right about not sheltering him from life but this situation is a bit different.

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I agree with your husband. Your son needs to be exposed to events, such as this one. This will prepare him for the other funerals, in the future. If you keep a child from funerals, they are going to have a very hard time dealing with death.

The first funeral our son attended, was when he was about to turn a year old. Then his grandmother passed away when he was a year and a half, and his grandfather passed away when he was 2. Whenever, we attend a funeral, we take him.

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If he gets upset watching YOU cry, then you should leave him with his granddad. But there is no other reason why he should not be included in the funeral. He will have no clue as to what is going on. There is no reason to shield him- he is clueless.

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I did not take my 2 yr old son to my dads funeral. I didn't take my oldest to my grandmas funeral and he was 5. a baby is way to young and could give them nightmares or fears of dying he is way to young to understand. my oldest did go to my grandfathers funeral at 7 but always give them the ooption of attending or not. My vote is no funerals are age appropriate like other things in life. like crossing the street with mom and without mom and etc. I VOTE NO WAY.

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I do believe that an older child, even by just a couple of years should go. But I don't think there is any reason for a child this young to go. In later years he'll remember nothing of today and in terms of understanding death, he won't for quite some time even staring it in the face. I don't think that he would be scarred or anything. But I don't think I would want to deal with the antics of a 2 and a half year old at such an emotional time. Your SIL might not want to deal with it either.

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My normal response would be to honor your husband's wishes. I think that is always a good way for a wife to go. So, regardless of what he decides based on the input here, respect him and submit to his wishes.
Now, having said that, if it were up to me, I wouldn't take my baby. It will be a hard time for everyone as it is, and having to take care of his needs during that time would add extra stress to you and your husband. You should be able to console your SIL and her family. It isn't shielding him from the realities of life. He is too young to really understand the funeral. You can talk to him about what is happening in a different environment (at home). We lost a twin very early in my last pregnancy. My youngest child at the time was about the age of your son. She still talks about it because she understood, but she didn't need to see everyone in deep grief over it to understand it.
I'm so sorry you are going through this very difficult trial. I pray that you and your husband can come to a decision that both of you are comfortable with.

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How much do you think you son can understand about what is going on? He does sound a little young. My daughter was 4 when her paternal grandmother died. Since we were divorced, she had just spent a week with her grandmother by herself. (Thank goodness the lady didn't die in her sleep a week earlier!) When I told her the news, she said that her grandmother could see her great-uncle in heaven .So my sister and I took her back to the town, and when we went to the funeral home, she said she did not want to go look at the casket. I was determined to let her lead and not to exceed her comfort level. After about 30 minutes or so, she decided she wanted to look. Her question, "Where are her legs?" So I think it was appropriate for her, but she was very verbal and had a relationship with the person who died. I'm afraid knowing about a baby who died would be very sad, if not traumatic, for your young son.

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Unless your son is a perfect angel, I would recommend against taking him. If he is is a "normal" 2.5 year old he will be a distraction to you and others who will need time to mourn this tragic loss. If there is a dinner afterward, maybe you could bring him to that.

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I have not taken my son to a funeral yet, but I can honestly say I will not until he is 5 yrs old...seeing a baby coffin will give him some fears so I would think it over..I was 5 yrs old when I went to my grandfathers and I can tell you that I remember it like it was yesterday--the only time I ever saw my father cry....it will forever make me think of death as a element of weakness that I am sure was so tough on my father, but really allowed me to see a softer side to him. My grandfather was a man that had lived a long life and had I seen a small coffin, dont think I would understand that life can end any time--keeping death a topic is important but not before they can understand a little more--good luck

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In my opinion your son should NOT attend the funeral. He is far too young to comprehend the whole concept of what is going on and why so many people are very upset. If your Father can care for him while you attend then I think that you should leave your son with his grandfather. Blessings to all . This is a very trying time for all involved. God has called another angel home early.

L.

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In my opinion it is not okay to take an infant to a Babies funeral. I agree with you that it will be to emotional for your son or any other baby.

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I am so sorry for the loss of this little princess, I prayed for the family.

A year ago my son was stillborn. My children had attended two funerals previously. We asked that those invited (it was a closed funeral) bring their children. Some did. We had several babies, and most of the women were pregnant. Some did not, such as my best friend and my sister, who wanted to bring their children but because they were pregnant they did not want their children to fear the loss of their siblings.

Well, those children who attended did very well and were thankful to be there. Those who did not were upset when they heard that there was a funeral and they were not allowed to attend. I think their parents underestimated them.

My children were 2,4,5,6. The only regret I have is that I didn't let them hold him and take pictures with them. They have lamented that every since.

It's entirely a personal choice, but I think it would be fine. A few months after he died a friend of mine had a stillbirth and also asked that families bring their children to the funeral. My children attended and although they cried and talked about their brother, it was not a negative experience.

You need to find out if your SIL is ok with having children at the funeral, before making a final decision.

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I agree with Rebecca, we can explain as well we can, things, our kids will certainly ask a lot of questions and like she said, I personally don't think a 32 mo. old is ready for that. When my grandpa died, my mom took my sister to the funeral, she was so confused at first then she got really sick, like throwing up and what not, and it was just that she felt all the presion of strong emotions like grieving, and like you said, your boy just like mine, is very sensitive. I think it might be a little much.

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I think if it was the funeral of an adult, then yes he should go to the funeral, but not a baby. At 2 1/2 they don't have the concept of death, If he was a little older maybe. It is ok to tell him you are sad, maybe even why (I'm on the fence there) but the funeral itself will be so intense I would not take them By the way, all 3 of mine (5, 3, and 9 months) have been to the funeral of their great-grandparent who died in February, but we opted for them to not attend the funeral of my husband's cousins baby (preemie) who died 2 weeks before the great-grandfather.

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I don't believe in taking children to funerals until they are old enough to understand the concept of death and dying; not to mention children can be disruptive when others are trying to grieve. I remember at my father's funeral, two of my cousin's brought their toddlers and I was annoyed the entire time with their behavior. It wasn't their fault, they are just toddlers and cannot be expected to sit quietly through a service. Also, one of the toddlers was completely traumatized by seeing my father in the open casket and could not sleep for weeks. In my opinion, it is not appropriate.