My Almost Three Is Swearing!!!

E.,

This is simple. He is getting attention for swearing. Stop giving it to him. Ignore it completely. You may be embarrassed a few times about what comes out of his mouth in public, but modeling good behavior is the best cure for this one. The doctor is right. Eventually the bad words will disappear from his vocabulary.

What we do with our kids who are 7, 10, and 12, is acknowledge that there are socially unacceptable words out there. We know what they are, and for the most part, the kids know what they are. We acknowledge that they have heard them out in the world, but we make it very clear that we choose to not make them part of our polite vocabulary. When I "slip", I apologize to the kids.

Our kids have never used words that I object to in my presence, and I have never had a complaint about one of them using objectionable language in the presence of another adult. The language they use amongst their peers is less in my control, but so far, I haven't had any parent complain that their child learned any colorful language from mine.

Sometimes they'll ask me what a certain word or hand gesture means and I will simply tell them that it's offensive, and they're sure to learn its meaning soon enough, but it won't be from me.

Best of luck,
D. T

I think your sister is more to blame than you think! When our daughter picked up what we considered a bad word for at then 3 year old ("stupid"), we explained to her that it was a really rude thing to say. We told her that from now on, that word was not allowed in our house. If she said it, she'd get in trouble, and if anyone else said it, they owed her a quarter. This has worked great for two reasons. One, she is motivated to "win" this game of making sure she never says it and catching us saying it. Two, any time a family member outside of our house says it, she yells "oooohhhhh, you said the bad word, you owe me a quarter". We often descreatly give them a quarter to give her, but the point is that she calls them on it everytime so I don't have to constantly ask them not to say it. This may work with your sister's mouth especially if you enlist her in helping you keep his mouth clean.
Also, if she comes up with a new word from TV or something, I pretend I have no idea what she is talking about. She assumes she heard it wrong and never says it again. This has also worked when she hears a word and asks what it means. I can't her what "damn" means if I can't understand what she is saying.
The more you focus on it and get on him, the more it becomes a game and a power struggle.
For exception cases, we have used a drop of tabasco sauce on her tongue (as a replacement to the soap we all got as kids). She has only gotten it a handful of times in the last 3 years, but she does not yell "I hate you" to her brother, and she never yells "no" when I tell her to do something.

Hi E.,

Have you thought about the motivation behind it?

I am wondering if it is part of him crying out to get some attention from you and your husband... and when he swears, even if it is negative attention (time out or whatever the punishment)-- he is still getting your full attention. At first I thought, wash his mouth out with soap-- as I heard growing up from my parents, but then after you tell him it is wrong, explain why it isn't good, give him punishment and discipline for it; then after all those things don't give him attention or make a big deal out of the swearing and it may just not be silly or a big deal and he may stop. And, give him lots of praise and attention when he is behaving well and whenever you can. He is probably feeling the stress with you being gone and now the third brother/sister on the way. Try to make sure that he isn't just crying out for attention. (I saw this on a British program called "Little Angels"-- with little ones lashing out swearing up a storm and being really aggressive with their parents. Getting separation and ignoring the child (as long as the child wasn't in danger)-- really brought them the welcomed results with lots of positive praise for wanted and accepted behavior, and not just negative praise when he acts out. Just an idea.

Hope you can get a handle on this somehow! You are their parents, and even though we make mistakes you are still super important to them! No one is perfect, and the world isn't perfect around us... so it's hard to protect what their little smart minds are soaking up! What goes in will come out!

Sasrah

Chill out and relax. This is SO normal it's not even funny. The problem is that you are rewarding him for using the words. Ah, but you say you are punishing him for saying bad things - but you are actually rewarding him with your undivided attention every time he says a shocking word. And, in the world of a preschooler, undivided attention is the biggest reward possible. Of COURSE he doesn't understand why it is bad. He's a little boy.

IGNORE him when he says the offending words. Completely. Pretend he said absolutely nothing. As soon as he stops getting such a great reaction to saying the words, he'll find something else to say.

Time outs are "punishment", so if he doesn't understand why the words are bad, they won't work.

My three-year-old picked up a couple of curse words - probably from me and her dad. :( We first had to tell her that we were wrong to use those words, and that they weren't nice. Then we moved into the "I can't hear you" phase, which has worked well.

Of course, it helped that she happened to pick out the Berenstein Bears "The Big Blooper" book right about the same time. She loves those bears! Check your library - they probably have a copy.

Hello E. -

Well, first thing is not to feel too guilty about this. Thay all encounter it sooner or later.

We have three sons and have been through this and what we have found is that the less we freak out about it, the more quickly they forget about it. Let me give you one example. One of our sons saw "Monty Python's Holy Grail" with dad and the older brothers. He latched onto the phrase "yellow bastard" from the duel between King Arthur and the Black Knight. His brothers laughed hysterically, so it stuck. When it was still going on a week later, we explained that this word is offensive to many people and that while we don't mind him OCCASIONALLY spewing it out at home, it is not acceptable to blurt it out around others whom might be offended or judge us based on his language choices. He was 2 1/2 at the time and he understood. He is now 5 and utters the phrase a couple of times a year, usually during a duel with a brother, but otherwise it is now a family fable about Leif yelling "you yellow bastard" one day at the local Co-op. We laugh about it and reiterate that while the process by which societies determine was is unacceptable language is in no way logical, it is, nonetheless, important that we respect others and not needlessly offend, and our boys don't.

Good luck!
D.

He may be a little young for this, and I'm sure there will be people here that think this is Barbaric, but when I was little, I got a bar of soap in my mouth. You'd have to use a sample size for his little mouth. I did this with my son, not at two and not for profanity but for mean things. I told him we were going to wash those words right out of his mouth. It worked when I was little and it worked for him. I only made him hold it for 30 seconds...enough for him to get a taste of it and a little drool to hit the floor. It is also a way to put a picture to what you are talking about...bad words are dirty, they don't look nice and they spoil what he is trying to say. Just like dirt on hands or clothes, we can wash them away and make it clean and pleasing again. Then give him new words to replace the old ones and praise him when he uses those.

If you feel he is just too young for that, you can also try by not hearing him when he uses that kind of language. If he is trying to get your attention and uses those words, just say, I'm sorry but Mommy and Daddy can't hear you when you talk like that or use those words. When you are ready to be polite and use nice words, we will hear you and give you an answer. At almost three, this logic should make sense to him...as long as you follow through and remain consistent, you and your husband and any other care providers.

My almost three is also swearing. It's normal. What we have been doing is saying "Eww, potty mouth" when he swears. He doesn't like that because he knows what the potty is. And we've explained that the words are icky and not nice. Of course, we have to constantly call ourselves potty mouths when we slip up ;) But he seems to be understanding why it's not okay and has been improving. But boy oh boy...he is a little echo! Good luck!

Hi E.,

What has worked for us with our girls (who can be quite the handful, don't let their gender fool you) is to casually but firmly tell them that's not a word kids or adults should say, even if they may have heard adults around them using it. Why? Because it makes people angry and think that mommy and daddy are bad parents, and it's just not the best word you could use. We try not to make a huge deal out of it, because as others have said, that would be counterproductive.

That's worked mostly, but there have been times when a word would just "stick" like "stupid." (I think another responder mentioned that one.) My eldest got on a roll of using the word often and in reference to other people, and we had to be 1) very clear with her that yes it was OK to call things and situations stupid, but never people, and 2) It was a mean thing to say, and if she was going to be mean, we'd remove her from the situation. She'd end up outside talking to daddy instead of playing with her friends, leaving preschool for the morning (we were in a coop) or going home early from the park. Her interest in having fun would usually trump her desire to say the bad word. That sounds very calm and rational when I type it out, but in reality of course there was lots of toddler screaming and not wanting to leave and difficult moments for mom and dad. Still, it worked and was worth it in the long run.

Maybe you've already tried that and it's not enough, but I strongly advice AGAINST extreme actions like washing mouths out with soap. My father used these tactics, and maybe I'm just a rebel but they absolutely did not work in the long run. He would go absolutely berzerk every time we swore and often resort to the soap. When I got to Junior High and had a little more autonomy I became a huge potty mouth and absolutely reveled in the ability to swear freely when my parents weren't around. Rather than stopping the behavior, he gave those words tremendous power.

I think I was in my early twenties when I finally realized there was no particular reason why swearing was cool, it took me that long to get over it. So, if your goal is to raise a polite young adult I'd really not go that route.

Hi E.. I feel for you. It is hard when the environment isn't the best that you would want for your child. I have 6 children and have found that ignoring and UNDER-reacting to the swear words worked best. You can still say a better sentence for him to say but don't push it into him. Punishing them is just a type of reward that they get and many kids like it...just because it is attention.

I know it sounds petty, but we don't allow shows that demean parents, government, or others as much as possible...not even in fun. The Simpsons is not allowed. The Family Guy is definitely not allowed. The Office isn't even allowed, even though it is ok sometimes. It is the other sometimes that you never know that will come out.

Oh, another thing one of my friends did as an experiment was turn off the t.v. sound during every single commercial. She was she was amazed at what the commercials were saying without the sweet songs and such. Sex, violence, etc...and it being ok. You'd be amazed at what our children pick up on. We, as adults, are just immune to it all as we have grown older. Sad, but true. I have decided that the world was a bad enough place for them to be influenced that at least my home would be a safe place for them to be.

I hope this helps a little. Good luck!
K.