My Almost 3 Year Old Son Is a Terror!

Hi J.,

I think Rebecca's response is great except I would also add to start praising him even more on the positive things you see him doing as well. He's starting to learn that he has a voice but doesn't quite know how to put it in to words yet, just actions. It does get better. :)

J.-

I am a Parent Coach and Certified Professional Nanny who specializes in toddlers. When I read your story, I knew I had some information that could help.

First, I’m not sure if you’re familiar with Erikson’s Stage of Development, but he was a brilliant psychologist who developed easy to understand information about each stage of development from infancy through adulthood. I have used his theories for the past 15 years when handling my toddlers, which is my favorite age group.

At the age of 2 ½ - 3 years old children are beginning to spread their wings, develop social relationships and trying to control their environment, while seeking the approval of those close to them, including day care providers.

I believe your son is having a lot of trouble with all the changes in his life, as I’m sure you’re aware of. The support network he is use to all of the sudden are gone, and I bet he doesn’t know why. He’s probably afraid that if these important people can leave, will Mommy & Daddy leave too?

Because he is feeling so out of sorts, he is unable to deal with his own feelings and control his behaviors as he once did. Right now, he feels he must control something, which he is trying to do through his poor behavior. He is controlling his environment in the only ways he knows how, saying No and refusing to comply with requests. I believe the hitting is a result of his inability to express his fear any other way.

My suggestion would be to enforce the boundaries, boundaries to children are security blanks which make them feel loved and safe. Next, talk to your child about the changes in his life. Help him understand his feelings, I like to tell parents to give your child the words he doesn’t have.

“I bet you felt really sad when Teacher Amy went away. When I was in school and a teacher went away I was very sad. You’re sure luck though because Teacher Pam is really nice. I think she’s as nice as Teacher Amy. I do want you to know that teachers may enter and leave our lives, but Mommy and Daddy will always be here. Do you know who else will always be here…” and use this as an opportunity to talk about the difference between family & friends.
Your child will need a lot more love in the next few weeks while he works through this change. Give him a lot of hugs, kisses and support. Spend a little more quality time with him, like snuggle time in bed, to reassure him you’re here.

Lastly, when you see inappropriate behavior, take a moment and analyze why he did it before you react. Next, provide alternative behaviors which would appropriately release the energy he needed to release. One example, if your son throws a toy at another child, analyze the situation, did the other child grab the toy first. Redirect your son by saying, “We throw balls outside. Do you want to throw a ball outside?” Offering him a better alternative to his behavior will teach more than a time-out ever will.
I believe you will see changes in your son soon with the limits you currently have in place and a little extra support to him. While we understand life changes like this occur, this is probably the first time he remembers anything like this, and he’s overwhelmed by what he’s feeling.

If you have any questions about my suggestions, please feel free to contact me.

Sincerely-

R.
R. Magby
Parent Coach
Everything Baby, LLC
www.everythignbabyllc.com

Hi, J.-- yes children can give us indigestion, can't they? - Here are my suggestions ( and if they don't fit you-- don't worry--- but DO find ways to show him that you know times are tough for him, you care and you ARE the grownups-- he will need to make your rules and reactions work for him.

I would strongly urge you tell him twice - ie ''' Jack, your coat needs to be hung up'' --- then- if he ignores you- ''Jack, hang up your coat- do you need help?""" -- if he still ignores- or refuses - you pick him up--- take one of his hands - wrap it around his coat- carry him to where the coat should be- and use your hand to ( gently but firmly) have his hand hang it up. Directions are directions - and will be done. And in my opinion -- if he has refused to attend to your direction- then perhaps he can't go back to the toy he was playing with- he needs to do something else---. That's just me -. Now, a question is something you really want to know ''' Jack, do you want pancakes or cereal for breakfast?" -- -so there really is a question. I'd encourage you not to ask ''do you want to hang up your--- do you want to clean up ?--- do you want your bath- nap- bedtime?""" -- those shouldn't be questions- as they are part of your schedule.

I'm no expeert on childeren but I have raised 6 well educated and very respectful childeren and all have at one point in time made me want to pull my hair out. To answer your question is it just a phase? YES all childeren at one point or another try and show their independence.
I should add that structure is good for childeren but too much isn't chideren need to childeren and learn from independence. Being a paerent is finding the balance in between. You sound like you are doing all you can by providing love and support good luck with your boy>

Oh my - I hope it is a phase! Because my just turned 3 year old son is doing the same exact thing. It is really hard to make the transition from asking him to do something 20 times to following up and enforcing every little request. I feel like all I am spending my time doing is taking things away from him or cutting fun activities short which is no fun for anyone! I hope that he starts to understand the connection between listening and following through soon! Good Luck!

To me this sounds like he is unhappy with the changes that have ercently occured. I know he is only 3 but have you sat down with him and talked about how he is feeling? Is there another kid in daycare that is taking time from the teacher? Does he feel uneasy about change?I am a strong believer that kids tell us how they feel through actions. My daughter was with a family member for about 3 months (4 months to 7 months old) and she eventually stopped taking naps and refused to be put down. We tried really hard to keep her there but I decided to change and now she naps, plays by self and is a much happier child. SHe just needed someone to realize that she needed to be held more at the beginning of the day. Listen to your son and your gut. I wish you the best!

i hate to say it, but he's 3 yrs old. this is normal behavior for a 3 yr old. this is the year of testing boundaries and he will test them over and over again. you have to stay firm and consistant. i'm impressed you had him napping this long. i would stop fighting him on his nap and just keep putting him to bed a little earlier than you did before when he was napping consistantly. also a word of advice on the potty training- don't push it too hard. he has to decide he wants to do it. don't make it a power struggle because you will lose that one. good luck and hang in there. i hear they get better at 5. i'm sure hoping so for myself!

Welcome to the terrible twos. It hits around two and a half and then is supposed to disappear shortly before three. Maybe your son is a little late in hitting this stage. God, I hope it disappears (my son turns three in February).

You've gotten some great advice so far, which will really help me too! But, I just wanted to share with you that my son is 4 and when he got a new primary teacher at church he really pushed the limits to see what he could get away with. Since she was young and didn't do anything to stop him he quickly developed a bad habit of being disruptive in class. My son goes to pre-school for his speech delay, and so I know he knows how to act at school. My husband and I tried talking to our son's church teacher, and asked her to give him boundaries, such as him needing to stay sitting in his chair while she gives her short lesson. But, the bottom line is that she didn't. We peeked in the class window a couple times and saw him misbehaving. So, now my husband had talk with him about how ne needed to behave at church with the threat that if he wasn't good that he couldn't watch any movies after church. Our son has been doing better, but he has also experienced the punishment.

Good Luck, hopefully things will get better soon!

I taught preschool for many, many years. It sounds to me like he is simply responding to all the new changes in his classroom: new kids, new teacher, and probably new rules and routines. This usually sorts itself out in a few weeks after everyone settles in. Give him some extra support and reassurance during this transistion time. That includes keeping your rules at home stable. While your little guy is developing his own opinions, he still needs you to guide him and to provide the anchor that he needs to grow.
Think of it as if you got a new boss and a whole bunch of new coworkers all at once, and all the turmoil it would cause. Your friends at work would be essential to help you cope, yes? Be that support for your son.

You are in the twos (hooray!). He is also in with more boys, as a former teacher, that does make a difference with in the class.

My best suggestion is to physically wear him out so he is too tired to be difficult. Swimming, after school running in the yard (try to avoid playing with the older boys), catch with dad on the weekends.

Also give him only two choices that you can live with to choose from when ever possible. That will limit temper tantrums.

You are doing a lot of good things, you just need to live through the twos that for you happened a bit late.

This will pass, but it does take patience and time.

Hi J.,

It is a phase, more or less. As frustrating as it is, this is a healthy stage. His brain has developed to the point where he fully realizes that he is his own individual person and he's testing his boundaries with everything, at the same time of experimenting with his emotions and how to handle them. This slowly begins in the later 2 year old stage and really peaks in the 3 year old stage. Change definitely triggers the emotional testing too, so I'm sure that's playing a part of it. I definitely agree that staying consistent and following through EVERY time is key. This will help him learn about absolute consequences and make your future MUCH easier; however, it is undeniably difficult and tiresome to keep up with every time, every day. (But worth it!)

Please keep in mind that although kids are often smarter than we give them credit for (though I believe that some people expect too much from little ones sometimes), they're perspective on things is dramatically different than what ours are as adults. They're life experience is just beginning, and therefore, their perspective is VERY simple and without most of the factors that we consider in each situation. I've also found with my boys, especially my oldest, that it's always been very helpful to set the expectation for things ahead of time. Keep it simple, but make it clear. This has helped both my boys tremendously, in understanding a broader version of their surroundings. It's also really helpful to be sure to make as much fuss about positive actions, as negative actions.

This "testing" of his boundaries will actually continue throughout his childhood into his teenage years (which is why I say it's a phase more or less), but if you set down the foundation for your expectations right off the bat, it will not only decrease the behavior in the future, but it will make handling it much easier and smoother when it does occur.

Just know that this is all very normal and it does get easier. I wish you all the best of luck! :o)

3 is impossible. You seem like you are doing all you can. Stick to your guns about naps. My daughter is 3.5 it has been very difficult. good luck