My 9Yr Old Son Is Crying in School and Cutting Himself Down!

I'd talk to the teachers some more, or even sit in classes to see what he's learning and most importantly how lessons are being presented or taught.

I'm certain his teachers are great and that he's a smart boy (mom's know!) but perhaps the environment is all wrong for the type of learner he is. Class sizes, the way the day or lessons are structured, the actual curriculum used, even teaching methods can cause even the brightest children to feel overwhelmed.

Even the most well-intentioned teachers may not be able to adequately meet a child's needs or understand how to motivate them to succeed. Unfortunately, in traditional school settings, it's a one size fits all approach, and that means someone is always going to lose out.

Maybe your son needs something more tailored to him. We as parents must be watchful not to sit back and put our total trust in our teachers and schools to the point that we believe they can provide everything our children need to develop a good foundation, let alone self-esteem or a good outlook on life. Sometimes we have to be proactive. Afterall, parents know their children and their needs more than anyone.

Perhaps if your present school can't provide what he needs, you should consider a private school, or even homeschooling which you can totally tailor to his needs.

One more thing...talk to him and see if he can articulate why he feels that way. He may or may not be able to tell you, but it's worth a try. Especially if it will mean his confidence in himself and his abilities will improve. Ask him if he knows what will help him to feel better or enjoy school more. Maybe he does know what's bothering him, but feels he can't tell you. Maybe he doesn't like something or someone. Maybe the subjects are too hard and he's afraid you'll think he's a failure so he's having outbursts instead.

Undiagnosed learning disabilities, physical limitations such as a hearing or visual problem should not be discounted. Juvenile depression is another issue that is overlooked. If there has been unusual circumstances such a death or big move, this could be a possiblility. Perhaps have your pediatrician recommend tests or an evaluation just to be sure if you think this may be an issue.

Don't be afraid to be critical of teachers or the school. Being critical of methods and circumstances doesn't mean the school or teachers are bad, it just means you're looking out for your child's needs and best interests. Sometimes what's available isn't always best.

I guess the bottomline is, no matter what you're hearing from the folks at school, there is something wrong and it's probably not on your son's part. Especially, if this is suddenly a new behavior for him. Just some food for thought.

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Maybe he is dyslexic, or has some kind of learning disability that makes him think he's stupid, because all the other kids seem to know everything, and he doesn't. I think you can get kids tested for learning disablities. Maybe you should consider it.

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Who is putting this child down? Someone is either setting the bar way to high for him or telling his he is stupid. Yes you should always encourage your child to do well in school but there is a difference between encouragement and bullying. And while he may be very smart he may also have a learning disability and therefore not do well in some subjects. My son is very smart I knew by the time he was 5 that he is dyslexic and possiblly has Assberger's (sp) Syndrom. He was in 5th grade before the school determined that he was in fact dyslexic. The Assberger's has never been diagnosed. Both Bill Gates and Donald Trump have Assberger's it is a form of Autisim and has nothing to do with intellgence but the way they process information. See if you can get him tested for a learning disability. I would also get him counseling to see if maybe you can get to the bottom of the low self esteem.

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Try visiting- www.momslikeme.com/twincities
A great group of moms that can really offer some sound advice!

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K.--

Whenever I was younger I had similar problems at school. I would not call myself stupid but I would cry alot at school. My mom helped me find something I am passionate about. In my case it was singing, ballet, and writing poetry. To this day if I feel like I am not good enough for something I will write a short poem or sing a song that makes me smile. If you son has something that he is passionate about such as karate, sports, or doing something creative. This may help boost his self esteem and show him that he is good at something, and this may filter into his everyday life. I still where my heart on my shoulder, so I wish I could tell you he might get over that but I never have been able to. It sounds like you have a wonderful little boy that just needs a pick me up. Hope this helps!!

J.

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My oldest son was this way for a couple of years in school and I handled by telling him that no one expects him to be perfect. I would praise him for a good job done but don't make it a life/death situation if he doesn't comprehend a particular subject. If he is having problems get him additional help on that subject. Make it a fun learning experience and explain that no one expects him to know everything right away and that is why we have school to help him learn the things he doesn't know. The teacher might take additional time with him when he is struggling. Unfortunately I learned this lesson the hard way and it took alot of years for him to understand that it is okay to fail and that we learn from our failures. Is he in an age appropriate class? Maybe he is too young to be in the grade which would cause him to have the feeling of not living up to his peers. Talk to the school counselor they may be able to give him additional help in the subjects that he is having difficulty with.

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I'm glad you're addressing this. He needs to know that you love and care for him.

I don't know exactly how to advise you here. I like the suggestion to engage him in an outside school activity that he can be passionate about (not computer games). Or perhaps his dad and he can go for regular bike rides or walks outside to bond? An outdoor environment seems to relax most kids.

However, I read some new research lately: When we praise our kids, we should try NOT to say things like "wow-nice job-you must be really smart!" Instead, we should say, "wow-nice job-I can see you worked really hard at this!" The researchers recommend that we should praise a kid's efforts and not some intrinsic quality within him (like being smart, beautiful, athletic, etc.) Praising the characteristic instead of the effort produces kids who are so worried about failing that they become afraid to try new things, and when they do fail at something, their world is crushed.

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What's your best guess as to what he gets from this behavior? Is he wanting attention? Reassurance? Maybe you can help him find other ways to get what he wants. Also, you could gently ask him why he's saying he's stupid, or why he's crying. Don't tell him he's wrong to see it that way--just be loving and curious. Maybe even ask him what he thinks would make it better. And let him know you love him, no matter what! (Sometimes it's so obvious to us that we forget to make it clear to them.) Wishing you the best!

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Awww how sad, no child should have to feel bad about themselves and yet so many do. Does he do this only when he gets a bad paper or test score or does he do this on everything from missing the ball in baseball or failing at a video game? What are the reactions he gets when he does this? Do you and the teacher tell him it is ok and that that he is very smart and wonderful? Do you point out positive things about him? I am sure you do and while nessessary, it could also add to the problem. He gets a bad grade, belittles himself and cries, reward... attention with loads of complements. While you should never ignore the bad feelings you need to turn it around so he can complement himself or look at it as next time I better try more. When this happens,instead of going on and on say "You are smart, you just need to practice more and it will come to you" then drop it. If he is crying have the teacher ask if he would like to go to the restroom and compose himself. Do it all matter of fact and honestly. Then also make sure you catch the great things he does. "Oh wow, look how fast you picked up on that new game" or "wow, what a good friend you are for sharing your favorite toy" Make sure you have more catching how good he is then how many failures he catches on himself. This will build his confidence and let him know that while he might have not got a 100 on his spelling, he can still learn those words he missed. My son was in piano lessons and we went through this with him and a certain song called Indian drums. He struggled and struggled with that song and would cry and want to quit piano lessons. I would tell him he just needs to practice it one line at a time until he had it down, look how fast he picked up on some of the other songs. He would struggle with that song less and less until he had it down and by then he had it memorized and it turned out to be his favorite song which he proudly played anytime he seen a piano somewhere.

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