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My 7-Year Old Son Too Shy to Ask Questions and Join Group Activities in School

Hi moms,

My 7-year old son who's in 2nd grade has always been a cautious child ever since he was a baby. I always knew he has an introverted personality but thought he'd come out of his shell as he ages. He was actually doing better in first grade, making friends and asking questions in school.

2 months into 2nd grade, I noticed that he's gone back to his shell again. He would not ask his teacher any questions because he's afraid his teacher would give him a yellow card or refuse his request. He would not ask his classmates if he can join their game during recess because he was told "no" once before, so instead, he spends his whole recess time pacing by himself (and he hates it). He would not initiate a conversation with anyone (even boys his own age) nor talk to kids at our bus stop because he's too shy. We had an hour conversation last night about him asking his teacher if he can read his own book (rather than book from his class library) during reading time, and he absolutely would not. He said the teacher will tell him no and give him a yellow card for asking the question.

I want to do something to help him to overcome his shyness. He's played soccer at our local club for the past year, and he loves it. But I noticed that he never really interacts with his teammates. I thought to sign him up for boy scouts but don't know if that would help.

Can anyone share similar experiences or offer some advices? Thank you so much!!

What can I do next?

More Answers

awww.. I can't imagine how hard this is for you J.. It hurts so incredibly much to see your kid hurting. I have a couple pieces of advice:

First off-I wouldn't make an issue about him asking the teacher to read a different book. My son is also in second grade and I know that he wouldn't do that either and he is pretty outgoing. They have a strong sense of "rules" at that age which are black and white. In their mind that would be bucking authority.

Second-Talk to his teacher ASAP about his fear of a yellow card. She needs to discuss her process with him and why or why not a child will receive one and then she needs to reassure him that he will most likely never get one.

Third-get him involved with Scouts. My son is in this program and I have seen first hand how it brings the quieter kids out. Speak with the leader beforehand about your son's shyness so they realize they need to make and extra effort to inlcude him.

Fourth-Talk with your schools guidance counselor. Ours does lunchs with groups of kids in her office each day. They are guided as kind of an ice-breaker so kids can get to know eachother or conflicts can be resolved. Chances are good that yours can find something similiar to do.

Fifth-don't belittle him about this in ANY WAY. Really watch what you say because you may not be realizing that you are doing it. He needs to feel great about himself at home. Also-you may make things worse by making it a huge deal.

And finally I would really try to evaluate what has caused this backslide in his socialability. He may not be able to or want to explain to you what he is feeling in his new class. Are there bullies? Sometimes bulllying can be very subtle. ARe the kids already friends and in a clique that excludes others? These are just a few possible reasons. I would also address this with his teacher. Also-and this is what I do with my son-take time to talk with him one on one. Every night before bed I lie down next to him and we have our "talk time". Here he tells me everything that is going on. Before this he would never tell me anything.... Now he tells me everything because I think it is such a relaxed environment that he feels totally safe and realizes that I am not there to judge or to yell...just to listen.

Good luck to you-be sure to let us know how it works out.

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My girls are both pretty outgoing and I attribute it to taking drama classes. By nature they were both pretty quiet and shy. I also make sure they always speak for themselves (when we were in a restaurant when they were 2 yrs old if they wanted something they had to speak-up and ask the waitress themselves. I also had them answer the phone, tell the reception who they were at doctors/dentist appointments etc) I grew up being very shy and I did not want this for my daughters since I now know this can be a learned skill.
Best of luck to your son!

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hi,
My daughter has been introverted as well, difference is that honestly she was not always that way. She became that way after going threw some trauma. She now suffers from post traumatic stress disorder. I thought her social anxiety was never going to get better. I really thought she would become a "shut in" until last week. She has been to psychiatrists as well as therapists since she had that trauma. Her Dr. had put her on different medications and I saw her becoming a "zombie" I couldn't stand it. I'd rather work harder with her then watch her be like that. I kept refusing to put her on any meds until last week when I realized just how bad the social anxiety was. I allowed the Dr. to give her Zoloft and he said that it will probably start to work after about two weeks... I was surprised that not only has my daughter told me that she sees a difference (actually starting conversations with others on her own) but I got a call from one of her teachers today and he has noticed also!! PLEASE do not think I suggest a pill to make your sons "issues" go away. not all medication is right for everyone. Also, it took me a long time to give into this. My daughter is now 13 she has been going through this since she was about 3 and it has been getting worse. What I DO suggest though is therapy of some kind. I had to FORCE myself NOT to talk to others for her... it becomes second nature to just help your child out when you know they are just so uncomfortable, but in the long run I was doing more damage but not having her speak up for herself. I hope this helps you in some way.
TJ

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Dear J.,

All the way thru your post I was thinking just what you said at the bottom of your letter.

I think that Boy Scouts will be GREAT! They build self confidence & self esteem. My middle son was the same way and I enrolled him in Tae Kwon Do classes. This too builds self confidence & self esteem not so much discipline as Karate but very much a confidence builder.

At your sons age he will be in cub scouts. I am the leader of my sons Tiger Cubs that is at least age 6 or 1st grade. Just google cub scouts of america and you will get several links. You can find the closest meeting place for you.
I am also my daughter's Daisy Troop leader. That is kindergarten & 1st grade. They love it and I'm certain your son would too.

I hope this helps.

I. B. - Mom of 4 Grandma of 1.

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I would sit and figure out what is different from this years class compared to last year. Maybe he's intimidated by the class rules and the yellow cards etc from the teacher seem to make him very uneasy where they didn't have them last year.? Also playdates with one child at a time would allow him to ease into playing/asking for friends on playground. I know as a teacher I'd want to know about this from patent so I could facilitate play and help your son become more conforatble with class including clarifying rules etc. Sometimes just sitting with child to review the rules and giving him extra encouragement helps situations like that but his teacher might not be aware of it!

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My child is a few years younger, but I can still relate to your experience. My daughter is naturally introverted, and at her first preschool she barely made a peep. The teachers even came to me telling me she had a problem, which I knew to be ridiculous and found another school. I cannot tell you what a difference this made! It is a Friends school, which emphasizes community and respect and having every child have a successful classroom experience, and after one year my daughter is a different child in group settings. She has many friends, enormous amount of confidence, and I was shocked when my child's teacher told me she raises her hand and asks questions and participates in discussions all the time in the classroom. I never would have believed it! I know that it is not an option for everyone due to many reasons, but I would strongly suggest just looking into a Friends school or other independent school. Most if not all offer aid if that was a necessity, and mine provides transportation. That said, I would pay any amount of money to ensure my child's first foundational years are positive ones. It has been worth every penny! Good luck!

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great advice, I just want to emphasize that you really need to develop a relationship with the teacher and Make sure the teacher knows what is going on and why. That might make all the diffrence in the world.

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My son is 5 and is timid around others. In fact at the beginning of this school year he wouldn't say hello to his friends from last year when they would say hello to him. It might sound silly but I made a rule that requires him to say hello to someone he knows who says hello to him. I told him he didn't need to carry on a conversation but to remember his manners and say hello. I explained that if he doesn't his friends might think he is mad at them or that he doesn't like them. He agreed that he doesn't want that to happen, so our rule has been working well so far. I've even seen him engage (though not initiate) in conversations with others.

Another thing that has helped is planning one-on-one playdates with friends he does interact with at school. This seems to have given him confidence and the ability to be himself with someone he likes and trusts and have that friendship returned.

I signed my son up for karate classes. I thought a team sport would be too much pressure for him and I didn't think he would enjoy it. He loves karate, however. He can develop his skills at his own pace, he has exposure to other kids and adults, and he is learning a lot. He loves to show off his skills to anyone interested. I think has been good for him.

Since your son is older, maybe try explaining the reasons/situations where you think his teacher would give yellow cards or deny his requests. Explain to him why his request (to read a book from home, for example) probably wouldn't fall into those categories. Role play with him how you think the conversation would play out. Let him know that if his teacher denies a request or does give him a yellow card that you will work it out together. If it seems the teacher is being unreasonable you can decide how you want to handle that.

Best wishes.

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