My 6 Year Old Wont Share with Her Sister!

I think it is totally normal that your oldest doesn't want to share - especially with a demanding three year old who only understands "I WANT" and has no clue about sharing or taking turns.

Does your 6 year old have her own stuff that she's not required to share? Does she have her own room (or own space) where her sister is not allowed into?

I am personally not a fan of forcing children to share all of their stuff. (I mean, if my sister came over to my house today and demanded to be allowed to "share" my car or something that meant alot to me I'd tell her to hit the road!)

In my house, my oldest is not required to share any of "his" toys unless he brings the toys out of his bedroom. When he brings the toys into the livingroom and sets them down anywhere, he cannot snatch them away from his brothers when they grab it. (This rule really cut down on toys being left scattered around the house!) If he is in his room, he does not have to let his brothers into the room. (And his brothers are NOT allowed in his bedroom if he's not home or around.) But if he lets his brothers play in his room, he has to let them play with his stuff. (And he is allowed to disinvite them from his room by calling for me to help him.)

By giving him some power and control over his environment, my oldest stopped finding it necessary to be so possessive over EVERYTHING.

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I'm glad you said "encourage." Some parents would say "make" (as in "force").

I'm convinced that children need to BE respected in order to really understand the value of respecting others' needs and desires. If they haven't experienced that great pleasure, they will probably never get beyond "respect" as an annoying concept held up by a lot of (rather arbitrary sounding) rules. Nobody really wants to go there, adult or child!

Children will internalize the Golden Rule (treat others as you wish to be treated) much more quickly if adults are consistently modeling this principle themselves. I'll bet your daughter's teacher has learned a few things over the years about fostering this process.

What this always meant to me is that I treated my daughter as a whole person, complete with her own needs and wishes that might be different from mine. If her needs were to keep her toys to herself, I did not insist that she share (although I love Julie's suggestion that toys left in shared space are available to whomever wants to play with them). How can a child understand a rule that frustrates her basic instincts?

What I did, though, as she became old enough to reason, was to help her notice when someone would share with her, and ask her a question or two about it, such as:
Why do you think xxx shared with you?
How does that make you feel? How do you think you would feel if xxx didn't share?
Do you like xxx for sharing? Do you feel she likes you when she shares with you?
Do you feel grateful? Did you tell xxx thank you?
Do you think you might like to share with xxx next time? Why (or why not)?
I noticed that you shared with xxx today. I'm proud that you did that! How does that make you feel about yourself?

There are lots more questions that can be asked, and I never made a big deal (a heavy life lesson) out of this process. Childhood is long, and there are dozens of opportunities every day to make your points and do your teaching gently, a tiny bit at a time. It all adds up, especially if you are consistent and clear in your intentions.

I do NOT agree that parents should lay lavish praise on their kids every time they do something that the parent wants. Children are quick to sense manipulation and insincerity. A touch of praise now and then is appropriate - kids want to know they are pleasing you.

But consider – to grow in maturity, children really need to learn to feel pride in themselves. They need uncluttered emotional space in which this can happen. Plus, if parents lay it on too thick for some things and then fail to notice or praise the subtler signs of maturity, it will be confusing to children who have learned to look to you for all their approval.

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I might try talking to her before an incident arises. I would make her part of the plan explaining to her that sharing is hard! However, it is part of being in a family. Let her talk. Come up with ideas of her own and you add a few of your own. Make a list. Let her help with the list. This can include rules too. Tell her that if there are toys in her room that she does not want to share that is okay. But if she is playing in a "family" part of the house then she may need to share with her sister. Let her pick some toys to share. Let her know that you all share some things. List those! TV, table, car etc... Some things you don't. List your things you don't share. Let her put some things out for sharing and put somethings away that she does not want to share. Maybe having some control will help! Help you with words that are okay to use when she is not sharing something. Words deemed exceptable by you! Refer to the list! The list is boss. And the list can be modified once a week when you have your family meeting.

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Have her sort through her toys and decide on which ones she is willing to share/play together with her sister. Put the other ones in her room/closet or somewhere where only she has access to them so she feels control over her special things. Have her practice playing nicely with those toys with her sister, even if there are only one or two things. Hopefully she will choose more and more to share with her sister as time goes on if she gets to choose what she shares.

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We have just implemented the 123 Magic plan at our house. Its so simple, I thought it would not work. We had results the first day!! I have a 8yr old with ADHD and Aspergers Syndrome and a WILD 2 yr old so I was skeptical something so simple could work.
Here is the website. http://www.parentmagic.com/
If you want me to break it down for you, just let me know. Its great..As parents we sometimes over do it and I am able to enjoy these years more now that the fighting is dwindling!

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I have 2 daughters also. People will give you a thousand advice, everyone wants to help and be nice. But I always say that whatever works for "your family" is what it is. When my girls were going through a "though stage", which included many things: sharing, wining, not sleeping in their beds, etc. I implemented a "rewards" method. I went to the $1 store and filled a clear see-through shoe box with all kinds of inexpensive trinkets. I called it the "good behavior box". I hung a calendar by the fridge, and stamped "little starts" (different color per girl) every time they did a good deed or behaved nicely towards eachother. Every 3days we checked the calendar and if they each had 3 consecutive stars, they got to pick from the good behavior box. THIS WORKED WONDERS!!!! make sure you sit down with them and explain the entire process. Some people will differ from rewarding kids with something, but everyone loves to be rewarded. I highly believe in "bribery". It works with kids. A year later, my girls have forgotten the good behavior box and its many trinkets left inside, but they remember to behave nicely and respectfully towards eachother. That worked for me. Good luck for you; but also remember this shall too pass, and before you know it they'll be grown up and gone. Enjoy your children.

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G.,
There's nothing unusual about this. Your oldest is the oldest and anyone after her is an 'intruder'. She likes her stuff and doesn't want to share. My sisters didn't want to share their dolls with me. I sure as heck didn't want to share my dolls with others. Some things are just extremely personal.
As far as sharing clothes, one idea would be to tell your oldest how precious SHE looked in (her now outgrown) clothes and let's see them around a little more because they're so cute and wouldn't little sibling look ALMOST as cute in them. You don't REALLY have to be playing favorites, but the oldest child feels intruded on by younger sibs. There's often resentment. They just want to know they haven't lost status or seniority just because anothe baby comes along.
Good luck!

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Not that i dont' want to give you any hope but my sister and I are three years apart. As teens our sharing issues were so bad we had key locks for our own bedrooms. We fought mostly around clothes, and although I don't recall having a sharing issue with her as children, we are now the best of friends and there isn't anything we wouldn't do for eachother. Hopefully your girls are just going through a phase. Now that I have twin 6 year old boys and a 3 year old diva, her brothers share...she's the one with the problem. I really just try to reward good behavior and help them understand that sharing feels good. just give it some time.

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Hi! Six year olds are just learning what sharing is. First they must feel secure in their place in the family and in who they are! How long did it take us grownups to feel secure?

Their toys, their stuff gives them a sense of security. When they are forced to give their security away, it shakes their confidence to its core.

What we did with our now grown kids when they were little instead of taking their toys away and giving them to someone else, we let them have their own toys and we also had Mama's toys!

Mom would get them out on special occasions or about once a week. Mom said they all had to share. They each got some to play with. They were not allowed to take those toys from anyone. If they did then Mom took them away. Thus they first saw Mom sharing her toys then they knew they had no control and had to take turns with the toys.

This takes some monotoring but it works! Also if you have an insecure child instead of pushing them away when they cling to you and cry...scoop them into your arms and give them extra love, hugs and attention. After a few weeks of this they usually come out of it feeling more secure than ever!

Just some thoughts from a mother of 6 + 8 grandkids. K.

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When my 7 yo granddaughter wants her 4 yo brother to share with her she finds a toy that she knows he likes and asks to trade. Sometimes it doesn't work but frequently it does.

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Hi - So I have a 4 year old boy that has an 11 month old brother, who of course wants to see everything that his older brother has. He has had a hard time sharing as well and we have told him that if there is something that he does not want his brother to have, that he can pick a couple of toys that he does not have to share but the other ones, he needs to share. IF he cant share those then they get a toy "time out" and he cant play with them either.
Hope this helps!

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My mother had a fool proof plan. My sister and I were in a constant struggle over her's and mine. My mother said that the first day with our new toy was ours. After that you must share. It had always been like that and the rule applied to everything we owned. Try being consistant with this rule and it wont fail you.

Hi G.. I have a 6 and a 4 year old. Overall, they play so nicely together. They argue over little things and they fight and complain just as much as the rest of them. I usually let them work it out and I tell them if they cannot work it out between themselves then I will take whatever it might be. That may not be the best idea for you being that her sister is a little younger. I try and treat them as if they are on the same level with one another and I make it a point to not say,"your sister is younger so please share with her". I tell them often that they need to find their sisterhood so they've caught on to that idea and now come and tell when they have found their sisterhood. It's pretty darn cute!! They, quite often, tell me that their things are too special and they don't want to share and I try to instill in them that nothing is too special to share. If it's so special then that's more of a reason to share and it might feel good to let your loved ones enjoy that special something just as much as you. If they are coming to you and tattling on one another and that is an issue, I use another approach. The only thing you need to bring to my attention is if in someone is in danger, otherwise, it is not my issue and I expect they will work it out without me. I understand some parents may disagree with my approach but I find that's what works best for me. I wish you luck in your adventure with your amazing children. Be well ~K.~

will the three year old share HER things? or does the 6 year old want to play with the 3 year old's toys? Try telling her if she won't share her toys.. then she is absolutely forbidden to play with anything that is not hers in the house... and enforce the rule.

You can't force her to share... but you can help her learn what it means to be on the other end of not sharing.

I did this with a couple of my kids and it helped.

Every time she shares, praise her up and down. Praise them when they play nicely together. This positive attention is addictive to kids, and they will keep doing what you like to get more of it.

One of the most helpful things I've heard with respect to "sharing" has to do with the language that we use with children. "Taking turns" is usually what we want them to do, and is truly more likely to elicit compliance. Why? When we say "share the crackers" the children eat the crackers and they are gone. The one who is doing the sharing doesn't get the crackers back, because they have been eaten. Why would they want to share one of their prized possessions if they might risk not getting it back? Their minds do not see a difference. It's subtle, but true!

The one thing I did when my older child would not share with her younger sister was remove the object causing grief and let them know that if they could not play together with it then on one would play with it. I made sure it was gone until they finally began sharing. I did this maybe two or three times, and I have not had to remove any toys from them in over five years.