My 5 Yr Old Will Not Clean His Room or Pick up Messes

I also have a very headstrong daughter and this is what worked with her....Giving her choices. Many times children feel like they have no contorl over their lives, mom or dad tell them what to wear, when to eat, what to eat, etc. By giving the child choices, they feel like they are in control (when actually, you still are!). The key is to give 2 choices with each question (and ask as many as possible to give them more choices), either choice you are happy with.

Example:
When your son tells you he is thirsty, you say:
Would you like the red cup or the orange one?
Would you like juice or milk?
Would you like a lid or a straw?
Would you like to drink it in the kitchen or at the dining room table?

This works with discipline too...
When your son shows inappropriate behaviour, or won't do what you ask him to, you say:
That behaviour is not acceptable in our home (or at church, or at the supermarket, etc.), would you like to spend 5 minutes time out in on your bed or in the dining room chair? If the child refuses to choose, you just up the time and repeat the same question. Again, if they refuse to choose, you just up the time and repeat the same question. Eventually they will see that the time is getting longer and longer and will choose.

You could also give him choices like:
You will stay in your room until it is clean, if that means you miss dinner or a tv show or play time then that's your choice. But, stick with it. It really doesn't hurt a child to miss a meal and trust me, they miss one and they will remember the next time.

The tough part is sticking with it in the beginning. When they refuse to choose (when it's not discipline) or try to give another option, you choose for them and STICK TO IT. This teaches them that if they won't choose from your options that you will take control back and choose for them. It won't take very long until they will choose because they will learn that if they don't you will choose for them and take the control away. If they refuse to choose (when it is discipline) you just keep upping the time and at some point you just stick with it so they will remember the next time that the punishment is worse if they don't choose.

My daughter is now 17 and a wonderful young lady, however, at 2 she was driving me crazy because she was so stubborn and strong willed. This method worked wonders on her, even in her potty training. These children won't do what you want them to do just because you want them to do it, they won't do it until they decide to do it and that can be quite frustrating!

Good luck!!!

1 mom found this helpful

Cleaning up does not come naturally for most people. A five-year-old who won't pick up after himself isn't unusual. In fact, it would be amazing if he did! You have to teach him. Perhaps he is overwhelmed by a big mess and doesn't know where to start. (I know some grown-up adults who have that problem!). Give him small, bite-sized tasks -- like, pick up all the Lincoln logs in your room. A five-year-old can handle that. If possible, make it a game. (I'll pick up all the Legos and you pick up the Lincoln Logs. Let's see who can finish first. Ready? Set. Go!) Give him a time frame so he won't put it off or dawdle. At first, do it with him and make it quality time and fun. Make sure your attitude isn't that you hate cleaning so he has to help. (I made that mistake and my kids hate cleaning, too.) Give lots of praise and rewards for work well done. If, however, this is about who is in charge -- that's another whole problem. You want to establish that you are the parent and he will obey. Otherwise, imagine this behavior magnified three times and your son larger than you are. That's what will happen when he turns 15. You want to fix it now!
By the way, I'm launching my new Web site tomorrow. I'll be addressing parenting issues, winning the housework war, and will also have short devotions for Moms. You are all invited! Visit www.susanjordanbrown.com and click on "Successful Moms at Home."
S. B.

1 mom found this helpful

I have this exact same problem! I have a 4yr old son, 7yr old son and my hubby. I get so frustrated! I recently heard a speaker on "Organizing a Household" and she had some good tips - I haven't put them into motion in my house yet, but I am planning on getting around to it :o)....eventually (I am a procrastinator). Okay one tip she called "The 60-second Clean Up" where every family member (including dad) gets one empty laundry basket. Pick a room, set the timer and it is a race to see who can put the most in their basket. Run around and pick up as much as each person can in 60-seconds. When the timer rings, each person takes their basket and puts whatever is in it away. You could easily offer rewards for the fullest basket or quickest to put it all away. It just makes it a game which hopefully makes it more fun. You can also play this where each person only picks up their OWN stuff, and you can set the timer for any amount of time you want.
Another one was the "Job Jar". Fill a large empty fishbowl or jar with pieces of paper that have a "job" on it, like "pick up red toys in bedroom" or whatever, make the jobs small & easy. (You can also let the boys brainstorm with you to come up with the jobs) Have each family member, including you & dad, pick a piece of paper and that is their job to do, go do it and then throw the paper away when your done. Maybe if you all participate with your 5 year old he will respond, everybody do a "job jar" job before dessert or something like that.
Hope the suggestions help....and good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

One thing I have is a basket. Every now and then, I go around the house and put anything "stray" in it I find. My kids then have a certain amount of time to put the things in the basket away or I will get rid of what I have in the basket. (Some people do it for a temporary time out; I offer to donate to charity or put in the next garage sale)The important thing is to follow through. Trust me, it only takes a time or two of losing a toy or a book before they remember to clean up. :) You can still do a chore chart, using pictures. Also, I would really reinforce "One thing out at a time". If your son gets something out, then he cannot play with anything else until it is put away. No questions.

Good luck!
R.

1 mom found this helpful

not to be negative, but he is probably just imitating your husband. i am reading a really good book right now called "Discipline Without Distress" i just picked it up at B&N. it is all about getting to the root causes and emotions for their behaviours, then helping them to change them. it is working WONDERS for my two year old and her tantrums, in one day, have gone from 15-20 minutes to 2 or 3.

My daughters (6 and 3) sometimes won't pick up when told. If I sit in their rooms and talk to them while they pick up it helps. With my three year old I sometimes have to take her hands in mine and physically make her pick them up and put in toy box. Eventually he will get the picture and do it. But of course children learn by example and if dad is being a slob and making you clean up after him then there is your problem. The biggest influence in a childs life is the same sex parent. He just wants to be like dad. Good luck

Well, the first step is to get your husband on board to help. If dad doesn't pitch in, don't expect the 5 year old to do any better...what about the 10 year old? You can use a modified chore chart...we did this over the summer when the kids were home more. Every task was worth a point and performing without being told was worth 2. If the task was not completed in some part of the day (time frame set by you) then a point was taken away. We did ours on a weekly basis although you could do a daily system. So many points had to be earned to keep certain privledges... the possibilities are endless!!!

It sounds as though you've become little more than an indentured servant in your own home. It appears as though your son's taking his cues from his father. Your self esteem must be pretty low to put up with this treatment at all. Since they are not responding to you, to get their attention, stop responding to them. You can do so in several different ways--two of which I'll mention here. First, if you must pickup after them, put their stuff where they will really need to look for it. If they ask, where something is, let them know that you're far too busy to keep up with their things and if you happen to "stumble" across it you'll let them know. Second, you can declare a strike in protest and stop cooking for them, etc.. If you can't manage this while staying home, leave for a few days or weeks. Turn off your cellphone, and only turn it on when you want to use it. If you escape to friends or relatives, inform them that you're only responding to messages declaring illness or death. By all means let someone know where you are incase of a real emergency.

It sound like your family could use some serious Christian counseling. Have you talked to your pastor? Or asked your church family for prayer? I trust that you are praying about this, too. Prayer changes things...trust me I know.

If you implement this - I bet it works. It did for me and my sister's children. You calmly sit him down and show him an empty garbage bag. Tell him that if he likes his toys and wants to keep them then HE must pick them up and put them where they belong or you will go through his room and throw them away because you will see that they are not important to him. I love our kids dearly and they are spoiled but they keep their rooms nice and picked up. Now don't get me wrong, the rooms can look like a tornado hit them when they have friends over or they've been playing in them for the day. However, when it's time to pick up, I tell them to go hit the room and I'll be in to check on it in about 30 minutes. I definitely help them from time to time, but not often because it's not hard for them (or mistreating them) to put their toys away. It also helps them to take care of their things (something many adults never learned and never keep things for very long in a good condition). When the time is up for the toys to be picked up, simply walk in and start putting them in the garbage bag. If he thinks you won't do it, you'll have to make a stand and stick to it because he's testing you. This is a respect issue and he needs to respect that you are his mother and you can demand certain actions from him that he will have to do. If he doesn't learn this now, I'm afraid you are in for some very difficult times as he gets older and bigger. You can truly toss the toys in the garbage can or toss them in the trunk for safe keeping and a lesson. If he insists on not minding, he should not be rewarded with having good toys. If he minds, after a period has passed (SURPRISE! but DON'T tell him this!) he can have the toys back, but not too soon and make sure he knows this is the ONLY time he'll get them back. Donate them next time. It's not being mean, just gaining respect that you deserve as his mother and an elder. He must mind when necessary or it will become a pattern that won't benefit him or anyone in your family for your future. Good luck!

I noticed you said "threatening". Don't make a threat, make a promise. It sounds to me like your stubborn boy is calling your bluff; you have "taught" him that you will say these things and not follow through. Next time you say it, MEAN IT. Your son is right---you are the mom, and he is going to dowhat you say. I agree with the no yelling--it is actually been proven in studies that if you yell, you are more likely to be ignored. I am fully behind "no spanking"..it usually happens when the parent is at witt's end, and can get out of control!!

I agree with all the other mothers on here who say to bag up whatever is left on his floor--make him earn his things back one at a time, by keeping his room clean, etc.

when it comes to time out, ENFORCE IT!! Do not let your 5 year old get the better of you!! I have always heard 1 minute per year. When you go for time out, get down on his level and explain why you are doing it. Put him in his time out spot, set the timer and walk off. If he gets up, put him back and start over---i have actually seen this take over an hour the first time the parent tries this!!--DO NOT GIVE UP!! Since he is smart, he will figure it out---YOU are in charge, not him! When time out is over, explain again why you put him in timeout ask for an apology, hugs and kissies, and he can go. The main thing is to never give up, and hold your position as mom! Good luck, and be sure to keep us posted!!

Hi J.!

First of all, GOOD LUCK making the hubby clean up after himself! If you didn't push for that from the beginning of the relationship you are likely not to get it now. I know cause I'm in the same boat. lol...

As for the children, you cannot make threats that you will not carry out? Once a threat is voiced, you must be prepared to follow through on your words. Kids are not stupid. If you threaten to take away toys, but then don't remove those toys from his possession, he'll know it was only words. You set up a mistrust with your child. He will never believe what you tell him even if what you say has nothing to do with toys, punishments or the like. YOu must speak only the truth with your kids.

My suggestion is one I used with my first born who had a tendency to take out a toy, play with it, then put it aside in order to reach for another toy. Before he knew it, the entire room was mess and it was overwhelming for him to even imagine having to clean it up. It took some time but I stood in the room with him and pointed to one toy at a time. He was given the instruction as to where to place that toy, either on a shelf or in the toy box, wherever it belonged. Then after putting it in its place, I'd point out another one and give the same command. One by one he picked up each and every toy with me standing there supporting his efforts with praise now and again in between giving the next order.

It took some time as I've said, but it was well worth it! My son was only 2.5 yrs old at that time. He was smart, advanced in many ways but nonetheless a baby boy who could be easily overwhelmed and easily distracted. Every now and then he'd pick up a toy and begin to talk about it, how much he liked it, etc. I'd have to remind him that we were cleaning up not playing. And at the end of the clean-up process, he was given permission to take out ONE toy to play a few minutes longer before his bathtime. It was all still fresh in his mind how hard he'd just worked to clean the room. He chose not to play but to go to the bath and then to read (look at a book). One more important factor that took place, my son took a look around his freshly cleaned bedroom with all toys in their proper places and felt very proud of himself! I pointed out how beautiful was his room and what a great job he'd just done. I was impressed as was he. That moment of praise made all the difference in the world. After that day, he didn't make a mess like that one ever again! Lesson well learned.

Now I know that all children are not alike. Each learns in his own way. It's worth a shot, though, because you've got nothing to lose! Good LUCK AND GOD BLESS you both!

When my daughter, who is 29 now, was around 5 I finally decided I had had enough. I realized she was overwhelmed with the task because it was really too much for her. I took everything out of her room and put it in the garage, I left her bed, empty chest of drawers, and empty shelves. She came home from school to this nearly empty room and had a fit. I told her we were going to go through her things and pick out what was truly important to her and we would give away/throw away the rest. We took several days with lots of play breaks and got rid of clothes she didn't like, toys that were too young for her, toys she had received and didn't like, etc.... Once her room was thinned out she was much more able to maintain it.

With my grand kids I am raising now it is hard. K is 5, J is 23 months, and Kar is 12 months, my daughter is pregnant with #6 and it is REALLY hard to decide what to store or get rid of. When K was 2 1/2 I had a yard sale and got rid of the baby bed, toddler bed, baby clothes, baby toys, bottles, everything. Then about 2 weeks later my daughter told me she was pregnant with J. So all those things had to be purchased again. Now I can't seem to get rid of anything.

Our local Fire Dept. and Police Dept. are having a competition for books. I called and they can be gently used so we are going to go through the 4 shelves of books that seem to find their way to the floor every day and thin it out to maybe 2 shelves. My hubby is tired of putting them up every evening so he agrees. He does a better job with K and J about getting them to help clean. I am a dictator and he gets them to help by asking them to help him. I also thinks things should have a home and go there every time they are put up. Such as trucks go on this shelf, Barbie stuff goes in this tub, dress up/pretend stuff goes in this drawer, etc.... This comes from my years of Child Care experience. Every Child Care Center has pictures on the toy shelves and the toys go where their picture is. I think it teaches organization. He thinks toys out of sight are put up. The kids like that better.

Hope this helps.

G.

I can completely feel you on the non cleaning 5 year old..see the problem is you threatening but not going through with the threat right? been there :D...its very frustrating..what i did with my son is I made threats i would keep if he didn't clean his room he sat in it accept to eat, he coulden't play and if we took the other kids out he had to sit with us and miss out. He eventually got tired of having to sit out for not helping the other kids and started helping...until you follow through with what you say he will do..he wont listen to you. Because he knows he wont get into trouble..good luck :D

C.

It sounds like his attitude may be coming from the top down. If his dad believes women should take care of the house adn pick up after everyone, then you will have a battle teaching him any different. Does your 10 yr old help out?

You can make a chore chart with pictures. A picture of a made bed, a picture of toys in the toy box or on the shelf, a picture of the dog if he feeds the dog. You can draw a simple pic or these days it easy to use a digital camera.

But unless his dad agrees that he needs some responsibility and needs to talk respectfully to you - it will be tough.

Jaime, I noticed only one person mentioned this, so I will as well. Go to www.flylady.net; she can help. It will take time, but eventually things will get better.

She has a new CD on her site called "Up Kind of Day" that was designed for children. It's top-notch in quality and designed to be super fun for kids (and us adults too).

You can find her as well, on Blogtalk Radio. (Just type it in your search engine.) Those radio shows can be downloaded to an iPod or MP3 player or you can just listen on your computer. Listen especially to the show "Give your Children Wings". Kelly will absolutely inspire you.

Flylady does make the same suggestion that most of the other mothers gave, about the garbage bag. Truthfully, He may have too many toys! It may be overwhelming to him. There have been plenty of times that when a mother has tried this, she has written back to Flylady that their child was so much happier in a room with less chaos.

Anyways... Try it. Some of the suggestions will sound incredibly stupid or useless at first. Just do it. If you are frustrated enough to ask for advice, than be ready to take it. Flylady does work for over 500,000 members!

If you have any questions, feel free to e-mail me, or the Flycrew. I will answer ASAP, and they will definitely answer any questions that you have within 24 hours (or even sooner!).

Flybaby Val in South Arkansas

quit threatening do it like taking away the television computer games you would be suprised my grandson is stubborn too and has both but when his grades fell off from a and b to c and d's he lost his television and computer boy did he start studying don't threaten just do it couse his room is a different story I have so sit in the room and tell him what to pick a up and where to put it go figure good luck might also try taking something away from hubby to get him to clean after himself like football I couldn't get my hubby to put his dirty close in the laundry so I quit doing it the next week he complained he didn't have and clean underware or socks and I said that's funny there wasn't any in the dirty close cured him

Hi J.,
My Daughter isn't at that stage yet (not old enough) but it's coming.
I suggest you use a Timer (see teaching your kids to "Fly" on Flylady.net), set the timer for 5 mintues and tell your son "when this timer goes off we clean for 5 minutes, whatever you don't pick up in that time goes in a bin and you have to earn it back by cleaning up after yourself".
Then once the timer goes off "Time to Clean up" Start out picking up WITH him (Not FOR him) and whatever he leaves (and he WILL leave stuff to test you and see if you are serious) you put in a bin and put the bin somewhere he knows where it is but can't get to it. After he's missed some of his favs for about a week (however long you think he will be sure to miss it) he will start to come around.
I've been doing this with my daughter (she's 2yrs almost 8 mos) some days it's like pulling hen's teeth, but other days (THANKFULLY they are getting more frequent) things just click along.
Another thing that helps at our house-I have a set schedule (not Time-wise, sequentially). We eat lunch and clean for 3 minutes (she's almost 3...) then go upstairs clean up there for 3 minutes then have nap/quiet time.
Before bed we have some one-on-one time downstairs, clean for 3 minutes and then read a book (or 2) then we go upstairs and pick up in her room for 3 minutes change into Jammies/night routine and songs/prayers and bed...
It will be difficult, he's had about 4 years to "train you". Honestly it's in HIS best interest to be sure he learns to clean up after himself. My Mom (who is a LOVELY woman) felt it was her job as Mom to do it for me and now it's that much harder to learn to be a positive example for my little girl ( I don't want her cleaning up after anyone but herself and later when they are small-Her kids).
I hope this helps-it has helped with my strong willed, very smart almost 3 yr old...Hope it is useful to you.

I told my hubby after our daughter was born that I would wash anything in the clothes hamper, NOT clothes on the bed/floor/or socks in the family room. It took me a while to train him, but he's learning ;-). Now he will not only put his clothes in the hamper, he will tell me when his "levels are low" for shirts/socks/underwear, etc...
You are the one doing the laundry (exclusively i'll bet) so you tell Your WHOLE FAMILY you have "rules" and if they want clean clothes they will follow them(if your hamper(s) are in the bathrooms/Laundry room, tell them how laundry will be done from now on). It's YOUR game, YOU MAKE YOUR OWN RULES. The least they can do for clean, dry laundry is put the dirty away in the way that you find easiest (if you have seperate sorting bins for lights/darks/towels for example and it's in the Laundry room, tell them you will wash clothes when a bin is full and if something "special" needs to be clean for school/work if it's not in the bin AND you are not notified beforehand, Sorry, they will just have to wear something else). Stick to whatever you decide your "guns" are going to be and don't back down (at the same time-be reasonable :-). I believe this will bring about lasting change in your house. It's working for us and we are all over the place.
Good Luck!!
:-) C.

Well, J., even tho we hate to admit it we tend to bring these things on ourselves. If your husband won't pick up after himself then the kids are going to learn what they see. Has he ever made any comment like "you're the mom/wife" if so then your 5 years old is doing exactly what your husband does...BUT the big difference is that your 5 year old is a child, not your husband. He has to know that he doesnt' have the same rights/authority as your husband does. Even tho i think your husband is wrong. My youngest was very strong willed..he is now at 21 an amazing leader but we had to make a believer out of him over and over and over and over again. Dont' just threaten, if you threaten, you HAVE to follow thru or it means nothing. Take everything away, let him sit on his bed in his room doing nothing if it comes to that...you have to establish your authority as his mother, he obviously doesn't know what that means and if you don't teach him now, you're really going to have issues when he is older. i don't know how your 10 year old responds to you but my suggestion is to get tough now so maybe when he's a teenager you won't have those issues. good luck...R.

Something I know works with strong willed teenagers that could possible be adapted to a 5 year old is, take everything out of his room.....just leave his bed and blankets. Let him earn back his toys one or two at a time by doing chores so he learns you have to do something to get something. Once he has to earn his toys, he will appreciate them more because they are not just a given and mommy means business!!! I plan on using this method with my boys, but so far, my almost 3 year old enjoys helping me clean up and cleans up his toys every night before bed time.

Hi J.,

When you have to pick up after him he is not learning. I am 49 and my kids are grown, but let me tell you what I did. When I asked them to pick up there mess and they did not, then I just got a black trash bag and put everything I picked up and put it in the bag. Then I put the bag were they could not get to it. I said when you pick up everything for three days I will give the bag back. If I remember right I put about four bags away. Well when there is not much to play with they start putting what they do have away. Now you have to be supper consistant about it or it won't work.

A.

J.-- Hi! I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I have a 7 year old son and a 3 year old daughter. I created a checklist for both of them for their morning and afternoon chores. I tie it to an allowance, so if they get EVERYTHING checked off of their list for the day, they get $1.00 for that day. IT WORKS and they both get involved with it.

I can e-mail you a copy of the checklist which is in a WORD document if that will help, but it really helps me get the responsibilty of their chores on them and not me. It makes our world a lot easier and it helps them get involved. They are learning to take the initiative and my days go a lot smoother.

Good luck!

L.
www.stcmemoriesfriends.ning.com

i went through this with my son. And i decided one day that i was going to clean his room. I am going to suppose that he has stuff he really likes.. such as toys tv etc... Get a big trash bag start filling it with everything that he likes and everything that is in his room. Preferable to have a place to put it and tell him that you are throwing it away.. and then let it disappear for a week or so and then let him deal with the fact he has nothing. to play with. let him know that once he starts to learn to keep things up then you will let him have stuff again. worked for my kid...

I have a 5 year old boy, a 3 year old boy and an eight month old little girl. I have also threatened things with my boys on cleaning up. I use to tell my 3 year old if he did not clean up he would have to sit in time out. He would say "okay" and go sit down with the 5 year old and I cleaned up. That did not work for me! I have learned to try to do the positive approach which is not always easy. IF the boys clean up the family room (which is where the toys are usually the worst) the each earn a nickel. If they clean their room a nickel as well. I also have other simple tasks too like letting out the dogs. The 5 year old also brings in the trash barrel from the street when empty. Then when they have 20 nickels or 40 or 60 + we go to the dollar store and pick out a reward. Just a thought. I know boys can be VERY stubborn. Oh and if my boys hit or refuse to help they can also LOOSE their nickels!!

I must ask - what response does your husband give you when you ask him for help? If you is giving you "the your mom, you do it" attitude, that is why you are getting it from your son. If that it the case, nothing will change with your son's attitude until your husband's attitude changes. And being a stay at home mom, isn't a reason for you to have to pick up after everybody else.

When my kids were little and told pick things up, if they were left out at bedtime, I picked them up and kept them. It didn't matter if it was toys, shoes or whatever - they had to earn the items back from me by helping out.

Good luck...

The next time you ask him to clean up and he doesn't do it, get a trash bag and start picking up all of the toys & things that he did not clean up. Tell him he can't have them unless he learns how to clean up and take care of his things! Put them away where he can't get to them. The next time he needs to clean up, remind him that the toys will be taken away if he doesn't put things up where they belong. Again, take any toys away that he doesn't clean up. Once he catches on and cleans up after himself, reward him with some or all of the toys you took away.

Not sure if that will work for your husband, but you could try! :)

If your husband won't clean up after himself, then your son won't either. He is following his father's example. You need to talk to your husband about the problem and tell your son that if he doesn't start to pick up his toys, clothes, etc that you will be picking them up and donating them to children that want the items and will take care of them. That worked with my daughter, especially when items started disappearing for a while. It is not a matter of not following through with the donation, it is a matter of teaching your son responsibility.

Hi

I know exactly how you feel. I'm constantly cleaning up after everyone w/no help. My husband is quick to jump on our daughter about helping ME clean up, but he doesn't do anything. Kids pick up on it fast. My husband saw that our oldest daughter wasn't helping cleaning up and he told her that was fine - she could sit and watch her TV shows and he'd clean up for her. She was shocked, but said ok. He went and got a trash bag and started putting all her toys in it. She jumped up screaming NO WHAT ARE YOU DOING. He didn't throw anything away, but it was a nice wake up call. She helps me out now.
I think a chore chart is a great idea. They can't read, but they know when they've done a good job and get a sticker for it.
Good Luck!!

take a black trash bag into his room and start throwing toys into the bag when he starts crying say clean your room or I will. With a strong will child you have to be strong will and the toys in the bag take out of the room for a time out but tell him they are gone. Give him fair warning first a day is enough. I did this once with my children and to this day all I have to say is black trash bag and their rooms gets clean. They are 18 and 15. I did this when they where 6 and 3. And some of the toys I took never did come back they had to many and they did not take care of them so I give them to a local daycare that could use them.

Good Morning, J.. So sorry to hear about your situation! Not only with the 5 year old, but also with all of the other males in your home! I can definitely sympathize with you, as my husband and I have 4 kids; 23, 19, 18 & 15 (only one of which is a girl-18). Anyway, I have ALWAYS been the one that cleans up after everyone and it doesn't help that I'm VERY OCD when it comes to a clean house!

Refelecting back, I know that I made a horrible mistake by cleaning up after the kids, cleaning their rooms for them, etc. I had a mindset that it was just easier to do it myself than to go through the fight/stuggle/hassle/stress of making them do it! Because, I still have to clean up after them now that they are all adults (and this includes my husband!)

However, I did make them help with the house and just had to realize that, no, whatever I requested them to do would not be done as good if I had done it myself (still the case), but rather, just be happy that had DONE SOMETHING and that my "touch up" would not take me as long as if I had done ALL of it myself.

So, with all of that being said, the very best advice that I can give you is whatever it takes, no matter the stress or the struggles (or even if your son thinks you the meanest mom in the world!) MAKE HIM CLEAN UP AFTER HIMSELF, KEEP HIS ROOM CLEAN, HELP YOU WITH THE KITCHEN AFTER DINNER; AND DO NOT WAIVER! Give your boys the responsibility of taking out the trash and they have to clean the kitchen every night after dinner! Especially with him making the comment "you are the mom"....he already has the mentality that "women should do certain things that men don't have to"...does he get that from his dad? How well is your 10 year old about cleaning up after himself or does he have the same "that's a woman's job" ideology?

I see that you've tried spanking, time-outs, etc....this is what we did with the kids; they knew that they had to clean the kitchen every night after dinner. When they were younger, we made them do it together, but as they got older, they took turns.

It only took one time of us (on an evening that they did a very poor job in the kitchen, put dirty dishes in the cabinets, etc...) making them PULL OUT EVERY DISH IN THE CABINETS AND WASH THEM ALL BY HAND. No diswasher allowed! :) LOL..it worked! They always made sure the dishes were clean and the kitchen was properly cleaned from that point forward.

We also gave them an "allowance" and had a chore list, (you can help him read the chore list and use stars to put beside the ones he completed and several stars if he does a good job!) breaking up the chores between the 4 of them. So, we set an amount of allowance for the week. For every thing marked on the chore list as "not done" or "not done correctly" we would take $1 away from their allowance. Also, you can give him "little treats" when he gets to a certain number of stars. Something he likes. Let him know that you will buy him something special at the grocery store (that you normally tell him no about) or take him to the park, or something of that nature, if he does what you ask him to. AND DOES IT CONSISTENTLY AND PROPERLY!

In your particular situation, I would take him in his room, make hm help you clean it and let him know this is the way you want it done and he is to do it on a specific day each week, just the same as you have shown him. Also, explain to him how much easier it will be on the "designated room cleaning day" if he will keep it "cleaned up and pick up after himself during the week". (Before we started making them do chores, I took them to each room, bathroom, kitchen, etc..and made them help & watch until we were done so that they would know exactly what was expected of them. For instance, you DO NOT CLEAN THE KITCHEN WITHOUT WIPING DOWN ALL COUNTERS, THE STOVE, THE DINING ROOM TABLE, SWEEPING (MOPPING ONCE A WEEK) AND CLEANING THE SINK OUT!) In other words, (excuse my language) "half-assed cleaning was not acceptable!" And, it was considered sheer laziness. I had to say over, over and over--why not just do it right the first time so you don't have to start over? LOL

I promise you sweety, it is SO IMPORTANT that you get them started helping you in the house and simply cleaning up after themselves NOW while they are still young! It so much harder to make them start doing it when they get older; expecting them to do something they have never had to do before (just like everything else with teenagers!)

If none of this works and he still refuses to clean, then just make him go to bed! Kids can't stand to be put in bed whil everyone else is out playing! Don't let him do ANYTHING until his daily chores are done! Once he realizes that you mean business and he's not going to get his way until he does what you ask of him, it will eventually just become habit; part of his every day life and he will understand that in order to get what he wants--he first has to give you what you request of him!

Remember, your husband plays a huge role in this, as the boys will watch what their dad does and they will immitate his behavior. So, it's best if you have your husbands support and he helps you in being consistent with rewards and with discipline!

I hope all of this helps! I know how very frustrating it is! Good luck and let me know when the little guy starts cleaning away! :) Remember, your 10 year old should have daily chores as well, and even if you can't get the hubby to help you by actually cleaning (the "you can't teach an old dog new tricks" saying is particularly correct when it comes to our husbands! :))he should stand firmly behind you with the rules you are setting!

God Bless,

S. Woodall

Personally, I would tell the kid(s) that whatever you find out of place or on the floor at the end of the day or by a certain time (say 5pm) then it is going into the trash. Or, if you feel that is too harsh then take the toy away for a week punishment. Even if you end up cleaning out everything in his room!!! Tell him whatever he takes out must be put back or he's NOT GETTING IT BACK. I think that should work nicely. Try and see :) Good luck.