My 5 Yr Old Grandson Starts Kindergarden in 2 Wks and Refuses to Poop in Potty

If it is a control issue, I would say the adults need to reclaim the home. Is he made to follow other rules. is there any consistent discipline? This could very well be an adult problem, more then a child problem. Establish rules, follow through EVERY time. If he has to go sit him on the toilet until he goes. It may take forever, but he needs to do it. Where I live, he would not be able to attend public school with this problem.

Stop talking about it, period. Keep making him clean himself, remove his soiled underwear himself, shake them out himself, and flush it into the toilet himself. No charts, no rewards, no punishments. Keep your tone all matter of fact during accidents, and no discussion at other times. Send him to school. Talk him up about how exciting school will be, but don't bring up the pooping subject. Kids tend to see things as a big issue if they see the adults making it a big issue. He'll relax himself if you aren't all tense about it. Since it is a control issue, let him have control. I'll bet anything once he gets to school, peer pressure will rule, and he will behave in the bathroom just like all the other boys.

I would worry about his withholding of his poop... it can lead to REAL medical problems.
I know, because my daughter when a toddler, got constipated, held in her poop, and it can lead to internal blockage... and Encopresis.
So, you best get him checked out by a Specialist.
We had to see a Pediatric Gastroenterologist, for our daughter.
Control issues or not... a medical problem can develop. And it then needs to be treated. Otherwise, complications, internally can develop.

Kids, will often "regress" when stressed or are anxious, or cannot cope with something. For him, going to Kindergarten, is affecting him.

But, you best have him medically looked at... because, if the Doctor is just letting him get all blocked up internally and he is not releasing his bowels.. .he can get real medical problems. Health is more important, right now.

all the best,
Susan

He would not be allowed to attend public school kindergarten here if he is not totally potty trained.

The kinder kids can have a few accidents (pee is the main problem, but is a rarity), but if he cannot go 2 weeks without an accident, he is not ready for school. There are too many kids ready to learn and teachers do not have the time to stop and assist a child that is not able to go on their own..

Maybe you need to consider holding him back the extra year for maturity
Or look into private Kinder if you can find one willing to take him with not being totally potty trained.

He won't be able to go to school like this. Is it possible he is holding back because he is anxious about attending school?? If he is excited and happy about school, maybe making a point about having to use poop in the potty in order to attend school would help.

Good luck!

If he's not regular, I saw this in Parents magazine -- it was written from a fellow parent/dr's real experience, has to do with comfort factors inside and outside the body and how to help the child.

www.darshaksanghavi.com/columns/ConstipationParents2010.pdf

If he is regular, was there some incident that caused the "backwards" cycle? He's old enough -- maybe talk with you or someone he's comfortable with and come up with his own "big boy" solution -- be an active part of that solution to feel more "in control and in charge"?

RE school, speak with the Principal prior to start, and perhaps family and school can be aware and make arrangements for a buffer time frame until it becomes "an issue"?

Good luck! Would be horrible to wait a year for a behavioral transition!!

I don't have the answer, but I can tell you that we have had the same issue with my son who will be six this year. He is a twin, a preemie, and has always had constipation issues, so his pediatrician put him on miralax. We feared that it hurt when he went so that would take the fear away from going. The miralax helped, but didn't solve the problem... neither did the multiple Dr. appt's, screaming, crying (and I'm talking me - not him!) making him clean himself up, making him stay on the potty, rewards... just don't do it. In our situation, the more we brought attention to it (good or bad) the worse the problem became. My son is also not delayed developmentally but does have some sensory issues.

We thought we had conquered the problem, when his pedi suggested that we give him miralax at dinner, and then before he left for school he had to go potty or wear a pull up. We were floored when it started working, but he would not go to the bathroom for me, my husband had to make a game out of racing to the bathroom. You can only begin to imagine my frustration! But, bc it was working, I began to wean him off the miralax, and the problem came back again. After another trip to the pedi, she told me to NOT take him off again, that it is natural so it won't hurt him, and this is a time issue... "he won't be going off to college with this problem". NOT comforting I know!

For the last 2 years, J has been attending a private pre-school which required him to be potty trained as well. However, J would hold it in until the end of the day, and it was never a full accident so most of the time no one even knew. BUT, because he is a boy, has a late birthday and was a micro-preemie, we decided it would be best to hold him back a year. He will be six in 3 weeks, and although we haven't conquered this problem completely, it is slowly getting better. He will start kindergarten this fall at the same private school. It is not our expectation of the teacher to solve this, but as far as maturity is concerned, he is ready to start school.

At our last appt, the pedi suggested "play therapy" as did my son's neurologist for this same issue. We have not tried it, as financially it is not an option for us, but may be for you.

The craziest part of this is that we never had to work at getting him to pee in the potty. He pretty much did that himself. Never has accidents, and never wets the bed. His twin doesn't have any of these issues, but does soak the bed at night (that's another post)

Sorry, that I can't solve the problem, but hopefully shed a little light on the situation. Best of luck!

I agree with Annette. Do what she suggested and send him to school with a change of clothes in his backpack every day. Teach him to clean himself up and change so that he can do it at school and the teacher won't have to. If it's too big of a mess, drive up there, change him, and take him back to his classroom. Do not pick him up from school and bring him home. Hopefully he will model after the other children who potty normally and maybe the peer pressure to not go in his pants will help him.

It may NOT be a control issue at all.

We had a similar issue with my older son (he's 16 now - no, he doesn't have this problem anymore LOL!).

What happens, after enough time, is that part of the digestive tract gets very stretched out and loses its elacticisity - makes it very hard to push out the poop. When the poop gets compacted, it gets hard. When it's hard it hurts. The more withholding, the more pain. The more pain the less likely the child is to want to go. When it finally does come out it will clog toilets and be massive.

We were told (by our regular ped) to do a weekend enema protocol to get the colon working again. We did it once when my child was about 4 but after the child gets older - gets awkward.

Later on we realized that he is gluten intolerant, which makes his poop hard. Too bad we didn't know it sooner. We have also had good luck with a digestive enzyme called "Trienza" made by Houston Nutraceuticals. Digestive enzymes help break down the food and tend to make the poop softer. We also like "No-Fenol" by the same company.

Whatever you do don't make him feel like it's his fault or he is doing something "bad." He's probably embarrassed enough as it is. Little boys sometimes have a hard time expressing those kinds of feelings and it comes out in other ways (what looks like stubborness). You do want to get it resolved because it may cause him to be very gassy (a problem in school) not to mention it's just not healthy to have all those toxins residing in your body.

Good luck - praying for your little grandson.

PS: Boy - I am really in the minority here! Just my own experience . . .

I know of SO many of my friends kids that had this issue. I did not have this issue per say. My kids just trained their bodies to go in the evening where they are at home and can relax enough to do the job. I would have Mom talk to the pediatrician when she can to get recommendations.

My nephew had similar issues. He suffered from constipation since he was an infant, and has been on miralax most of his life. Even if this started out as a control issue, your grandson probably doesn't have the control anymore. Holding poop in can lead to impacted poop and lots of stomach issues! As a previous poster mentioned, the colon gets loose and it is harder to push the poop out. You might want to see if he can get a referral to a specialist (there are actually physical therapists who make sure kids have the right muscle tone etc). In addition, he might need an enema now to get himself cleaned out to start with a clean slate. I know this isn't a pleasant proposition, but it might be required. I know the dr. wanted my nephew to have a daily enema to help with his problems. Yikes! A 5 year old might be willing to do anything to prevent that from happening.

Is his kindergarten full day or half day? If it is only for a few hours it might not be as big an issue as you think. If it is full day it might be a little more problematic. You should talk to the school. Although teachers cannot change a kid during the day, he may be able to go to the nurse when he either has to use the potty (maybe some extra privacy and less stress would help?) or needs help getting cleaned up. He might need a guardian to come pick him up/get him changed if he has a full fledged accident but if he is outside the classroom some of the embarrassment should be lessened.

When did he start going backwards with his potty training? Was there an issue that triggered it or is it a recent thing that is caused by the stress of school? It might be helpful to try to figure out what the cause of the issue is.

Although easier said than done, try not to stress too much. He will feed off your stress and everyone will be more miserable. Try to push the liquids (drink drink drink) and see if you can get him regular now. Try not to give him attention when he has accidents. Just make sure he cleans himself up and move on with your day. If he is doing this for attention, you need to make sure he isn't getting it!

Make sure you stay on top of the dr if he gets worse of complains more about stomach aches.

I wish you the best of luck!

If he is not able to use the toilet he will not be able to go to school. He is probably just being stubborn. Does he rule the house? Don't give in. Its going to a long hard battle for the next weeks but if your determined at the end you will have victory.
My kids were much younger. My oldest was 3 1/2yr when he was potty trained, the middle was 2 yrs 2 mo. My youngest was 20 mo. With them I went to the dollar store and bought a bunch of prizes. With him since he is older you might need a cooler prize to lure him. Maybe a DSI?? Or some DSI games if he already has a DSI. Good luck.
Also next time he poops make him stay in it. I would get out the crib and tell him from now on he will have to sleep in the crib and starting now. Follow thru dont just say it. Do it. Get the crib out NOW and make him sleep it in tonight. This might just be enough pressure. I would take away some of his special things he enjoys doing. Dont give him so much control you and your daughter are the grown ups.
There is nothing wrong with a little of letting him feel ashamed if he has to sleep in the crib. Ask him if he would like it if his friends found out he was sleeping a crib??

M.:
Your grandson can go to kindergarten but when he poops in his underwear the school will call for someone to come pick him up. That is the way Heritage Elementary handles that situation. That might be what he is counting on: being able to come home and not be at kindergarten.

Take him to the doctor. It is possible that this is a medical issue that requires treament and he can be helped.

He should go to kindergarten, and the school cannot keep him out for this. He may need some help, and if this is a medical issue he could actually qualify for an IEP to accomodate this issue such that he has full access to general education. Holding children back has lifetime concequences, bad ones, dispite the trend right now to wait, it is not a good educational strategy. The data is so very clear. Do not hold him back.

M.

It does sound like a control issue and he has all the control. Poor guy must be so backed up that his stomach hurts. :) Where does he go? Underwear? If my daughter pooped in her pants while training I made a big deal of how sad it was that I was throwing away the nice underwear. That made her so sad. A boy may not care about that and for you guys that could get expensive. It worked for us. If he is going in his underwear at 5 and positive reinforcement isn't working (verbal praise, sticker charts, rewards) it is time for clear punishment. You need a firm solid punishment such as loosing a reward or time out for going in his pants. Rule of thumb is one minute of time out for every year= he is 5 so 5 minutes of time out. You can up it if you have to but you need a chair or place that is very boring for him to sit in. I hate to punish but it is what I would do. If positive isn't working then you will have to do something and quickly. I would continue to push the miralax just so that when he does go it is quick and painless. Up the dose if it isn't working. Kids spend years and years on that stuff. You can get a prescription that is much cheaper than over the counter if you have insurance. Finally, talk to him. Let him go to Kinder meet the teacher etc and tell him that he will not be able to go unless he can master this. Pick out a way cool backpack that he can't use unless he starts school etc...That may make him feel like he is back in control.