My 5 Year Old Is Out of Controll

Dear L.,
I have to say that I think Mary Elizabeth C had the best advice. My son, who is now 10, has trouble dealing with change. Any change. He gets that from his mother :-)
Unfortunately, unlike his mother, he deals with the frustration through anger (I get sullen).
One thing that I've found to be remarkably helpful is a journal. I know at 5 years old that may sound unlikely, but truly, you may just give it a try. My son loves to draw - always has. So, at the age of 5, though he couldn't write his feelings, he could draw them. Your son may be angry about the baby, but conflicted because he loves the baby and also know he isn't SUPPOSED to be angry about it. How frustrating! Try giving him a blank notebook of his own, and some crayons, markers or colored pencils. Maybe during story time at night, or even instead of story time for a while, he can draw. Tell him he can draw ANYTHING he wants to in there. For a while, don't even look in his notebook. Give him some time to feel safe about what he's drawing - that every little image won't spark a "talk" or "lecture" or uncomfortabale conversation from Mom and Dad. After a little while, look at the drawings. NEVER ASSUME YOU KNOW WHAT THEY ARE OR WHAT THEY MEAN. You'd be surprised how sometimes they have a totally different meaning than you think. Once in a while, gently ask about them. Never tell them you think you know what they are. Ask - "What's this drawing about." You may find he's shy at first. Or even angry that you looked, or refuses to talk. But, after a while, he'll get more comfortable with it and you may begin to learn what's really going on. And, he may begin to see just how much you care. And, he may begin to let out some of those confusing, frustrating, conflicting feelings. He may begin to unscramble it all.
It still works for my son, now 10.
Oh, one last thing. He may draw some really scary stuff now and then. It's just drawings. Remember that. Let it go. Ask about it, but don't get upset or say, "you can't draw things like that." Likely if it's something you don't want him to draw, it's something you don't want him to talk about either. What's he supposed to do? He has to get it all out somehow.
I hope you get some relief from this. Believe me, I know what it's like. Unfortunately, we deal with this every time my son or our family go through some big change. It can last weeks or months. Just depends on how long it takes his brain, and his heart, to sort it out. best wishes. Katrine

1 mom found this helpful

L. -
This is my first day on this site. Do you live in Exeter, RI?
Are you children in DayCare? Which one?

Well let me tell you, I went through this and still go thru it occasionally with my 6 yr old daughter. She would get so angry and I could not figure out why. We took away things and sent her to her room but that did not work. She started hitting, kicking and even biting her teachers at DayCare.
No one could figure our what caused the outbreaks. We finally took her to Hasbro Development Ctr on the advise of our dr to see if there was anything going on with her.
She was tested for IQ, congnitive, etc.. The findings were that she gets upset or shuts you down when things seem to much for her. It was suggested we start with two step directions and put a definite structure to her day.
This seems to help but she occasionally will have a bad day.

1 mom found this helpful

I can sympathize with your situation. My oldest son just turned 3 and we had our second son six weeks ago. A month before #2 son was born, son #1 started to be out of control. He wouldn't listen, got in trouble at school, was out of control with my husband and I, and just became a child I no longer knew.
Son #1 is also very loving and affectionate to #2 son, but he continues to have these moments of being a complete terror!
Like you, we try to spend quality time with son #1 and try to explain his 'new' role as the older brother. I'm sorry I don't have answer for you because we are still working things out ourselves. Everyone I have spoken to says it just takes time for son #1 stop seeking attention in a destructive way. Best of luck. If anything, I love having two sons!

1 mom found this helpful

Hi my name is Mary and I am a 36 year old mom of 2 boys now age 8 and 6. I taught special needs preschool for 13 years and am now a stay at home mom. What it sounds like to me is your oldest is trying to gain control in a situation that feels out of control to him. My children were just 2 years apart at the time and the first 6 months sucked for lack of a better word because my oldest had to share time and affection and everything for the first time. It wasn't pretty and having run a classroom of 15 students twice a day for 8 years at that time to have me fall apart over 1 child and his temper was big blow to me personally. And the reason he is better at school is nothing has changed there. He has consistency and a routine with no adjustments based on the whim of a newborn. It is normal. I had to really take a step back and deal with it like I would in the classroom. Ignore the outburst and tell him when he used a talking voice I would listen, I would make a schedule and used more warnings like I would tell Nick when Alex was getting fussy and that we would need to going soon rather then just getting up and tearing him away from things. And yes Alex had to do some waiting too at the ripe old age of 4 months. I was breast feeder so we carried all the time but diapers sometimes had to wait an extra few minutes at the park and corners were cut for both boys to get that happy medium. Spending some time with him during Alex's naps or having him choose dinner was another thing he could control. Now don't get me wrong everything I had him choose or make a choice about was ultimately something I wanted to happen anyway so it is more the illusion of control. I worked full time through this adjustment period and its hard because schedules are everything what we try to cram in between pick up and bed time is crazy just take a minute to know what you want to get done and be flexible when it can happen and try to include him in what ever is going on as much as possible hope this helps and know I am still learning after all this time and it is just a matter of reevaluating and looking at each situation as it happens. Mary in MA

Something else that just came to mind you have been dealing with his issues neg or pos now for sometime so when you try to not react to his behavior you will see a huge spike in his inappropriate behaviors because good or bad you still paid attention to him if you can hold out no matter how bad it gets and stick to your neutral response and blow him away with your recognition of good things he does no matter how small and I am talking saying hi to you when you pick him up if it even close to civil he will get that in the end good behavior gets your attention and bad behavior get him nothing. Trust me outside of a classroom this is harder and requires everyone to be on board. Good luck. Mention it to your doctor but if your child can control himself at school and it seems to be a house issue then I don't feel based on my experience I would seek evaluations until I gave the behavior management techniques a try for a good 2 weeks.

1 mom found this helpful

I myself work full time, and have 2 girls, 6 & 2 1/2. It is tough juggling everything that needs to be done. Have you spoken to your pediatrician? I wouldnt say this is normal, yet every child is so different. Have you tried putting him in time out? Every negative/bad behavior he does, he needs to know is not acceptable.When he acts out, send him to his room, tell him if he wants to behave that way, he needs to go to his room. When he has an outburst leave the room yourself, don't speak to him, just sat "when your done, i'll talk to you" , then tell him this is not good behavior. Find a reward system, tell him if he's good he can have/ do something he likes. Tell him when he is being good, praise his good behavior. Sometime when he is calm, and theres been no outburst, try talking to him alone. Maybe go in his room, shut the door, and start out w/ a hug, sit on the floor/bed and just talk. Ask him why he gets angry, what makes him mad and let him know you love him. Try doing more things alone. Take him to the movies, out for pizza, or to friendlys. Take a walk. I would definately talk to your pediatrician, ask about his behavior issues. He could have an anxiety disoder of some type. My friends son did. He takes medicine for it, yet as he has aged, its gotten better.You could also look in the library for books to help. Choose one thing at a time to try, he could feel overwhelmed. Good luck!

L. W. -- mom of 2 girls, my husband & I work full time

1 mom found this helpful

Hi,
I have a 6 month old baby so I know how busy you must be tending to two children. My sister is dealing with a similiar situation with her 5 year old. My suggestion would be to check his diet, sometimes simply removing sweets or something else could change the mood they are in. Also, have you tried asking him what he is feeling and give him opportunity to try to tell you why he is angry? It is very difficult not to react to his behavior but your calm demeanor and the extra TLC you give may show a different response from him. Hang in there!!

1 mom found this helpful

L.,
i have haerd that if you start just takeing an hour or so a day just to be with him with no one eles he will get attention he is carveing just take him to the park or sit down and play a game with him what it sounds like to me is he just wants your time he feels like the only way he can get your time is to act up so just him some fun time just the two of you

1 mom found this helpful

Hello, the best thing I ever did was having my 7 yr old go to counseling. She was attending a weekly behavior therapy group when i found out i was pregnant. She has ADHD and she was very angry and thought we were going to sell her once the baby came!They helped her work thru the issues she had with me being pregnant and now she is the best big sister me and my husband ever thought she would be! My daughters doctor recommended the doctor, they are referal only and are absolutely wonderful in helping me learn different tools to deal with her bahaviors. It is also a group setting for the adults and children which may be intimidating for both at first but becomes comfortable immediately. J.

1 mom found this helpful

I think I would call his pediatrician now. Adjusting to having a sibling can take some time, but his behavior seems too much to just be caused by being upset over the new baby. Make a list of all of the behaviors that concern you while you wait for the appointment so that you don't forget to mention something.
Best of luck.

1 mom found this helpful

Boy can I relate L. !

My son was the same age when I gave birth to my twins and talk about pissed off ! He even ran away, at 5 mind you, took his backpack filled it with his blanket and stuffed dog and walked out the door !

It does get better but I had to put a major stop to reacting to his demands and "fighting" with him.

The rule in our house now is if you miss behave you go into timeout in your room until you are ready to talk. We tlak about it afterwards and then there is a consequence. For a 5 year old maybe the consequence would be that he has to empty the dishwasher with you or help fold a load of clothes or help pickup a room all the while your talking about anything that relates to him, school, friends ect. For my twins I had a safe area I could put them in where they would get hurt if I had to leave them for mins at a time.

I don't justify the time I spend with any of my children to any of them. But in away when doing the "consequence" I am (a) getting some part of housework done that needs it, (b) I'm getting help (well sort of) and (c) I'm spending time indirectly talking with one of my children.

If you are really concerned, call the school and ask for a counsoler assistance (like a play group) One on my twins (now in 3rd grade) goes to a group like that once a week. It help.

Remember to get plently of sleep, eat right, take timeout for yourself and the most important ask for help, even if the only resource you have for help is the school. And of course write here and we'll try to help all we can.

God bless and hang in there, it goes by so fast. My son is now almost 15 and he's talking about driving ! Ahhhhhhhh.

Smiles-
W.

1 mom found this helpful

Call his Pediatrician ASAP. Don't let it go. It sounds like you've been doing all that you can for him, I think it's time to get help. Espcecially if he's hurting himself. I was a Preschool teacher for over 15 yrs and I've dealt with kids who acted out just like your son, and we suggested the same thing. Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

I think this is completely normal from what you have described. My daughter will be 5 next month and it seemed like everything was an uphill battle. I made her a large sticker chart which had pictures of everything she needs to do in the day and she earns a sticker for doing all of the daily things like brush teeth, comb hair, clean up room. And it is working very well. your son is prob. mad he is getting less attention because of the baby and you working. This is normal and if you can find a positive reinforcer that he really will behave for this may work. With my daughter she can earn 10 min, of computer time with a sticker or if she saves her stickers 10 stickers can earn a book or small toy. Another thing that may be effecting your son is sleep or diet? Does he get enough sleep? Kids should have between 10 and 12 hours a day and I know my daughter does not take a nap, but she is in bed by 7.

1 mom found this helpful

Did anything happen to trigger this behavior in the two months before the baby? That could be it. Does he tell you if anything is bothering him? To me it does sound like jealousy. Does he help with the baby? Maybe you could have him be more involved with changing, feeding, etc. Or, if taking toys away and time outs don't work try rewarding him for a week of good behavior. With my son (he's 6) he was starting to get a lot of "thinking chairs" at school. So I tell him that if he doesn't get any chairs for the week, I will treat him to something. It could even be going to a birthday party (which he had to miss because he got a thinking chair). A trip to the candy store, pick out a DVD, etc. But, if he doesn't make the entire timeframe, stick to your guns and don't give him anything. It took my son a couple of weeks for it to sink in (not going to the birthday party helped) and he has been three weeks now without a thinking chair at school. I hope this helps you out.

1 mom found this helpful

It is hard to devote the same quality time to each with the age differences. However, I believe if you can structure "time" with your five year old it may be much more helpful. Let him know he is a big helper and you just love when he helps out. (Remember, he is still a male. They NEED that ego stroke. lol. Tis true.) As soon as he wakes up in the morning, give him choices as to what he may like for breakfast the night before to help with the morning "arguments". It will also make him feel important and involved and things will be easier for you. Teach him how to set the table in anticipation for morning. A little bribe here and there is fine, too. A simple "Guess what? If you help mommy this morning so that I can get everything cleaned up and done, we can go to the Park today!"........if he is having a tantrum, remind him CALMLY....(no yelling)......."Uh ohhhhh. I guess you don't want to go to the park today?"........and purposely whisper it to him. He'll stop in his tracks. If he becomes very unruly, with hitting for example, make his time out be something not so fun...but physical. Such as...."ok, now you have to dust the tables. Take everything off the tables and set on the floor and mommy is going to teach you how". Believe me, working their adrenaline in a "fit" works much better then a "time out" when they are wound up. (Advice from a mom of an autistic child who has occasional meltdowns.)

Try it and see. If he still acts out, by all means have him tested for ASD or ADHD. Also, maybe he is having too much sugar in his diet or prepackaged quickie foods? Try more healthy foods and dinners. It would astound you to know what is in the foods that are on the shelves in boxes and cans and frozen. Try to stay away from those.

It's hard on mom and sometimes to tv or computer seems like an ideal "keep him occupied" but it really is not the best solution. It is only short term. Believe it or not, children need to be taught how to control their anger and frustrations. Come up with something together that he can do when he is really frustrated. A simple thing. Such as, hug a pillow, when upset. Hope this helps.

I think you are wise to make an appointment to see your pediatrician about this. I also highly recommend the book, "Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary Kurcinka, I've seen her approach work wonders with kids who behave similarly to your son, and I think it could still be helpful if he is diagnosed with ODD. Your local library should have a copy.