My 5 Y/o Son Is Mad Saying We Lied to Him! HELP!

Hi L.,

Yes. You say. "You are right. You were not given the truth. I am sorry that it was handled that way and it is really really complicated sometimes when you are an adult, but that doesn't excuse what happened. I will talk to the Dr about how it was handled and we won't handle it that way ever again".

Just my $0.02.
B.

13 moms found this helpful

I think that you should explain to him that he is right - lying is not good and it is not acceptable. I would tell him that you didn't know the dr. was lying right away and that by the time you realized it, you thought it was too late to say anything. You also need to tell him that you understand why he feels that way and that in the future, you will pay more attention and be sure that you all know what is going on. He is actually correct, you lied by ommission. You need to take accountability for that and explain to him that you are sorry and that you will not do it again if you want him to get over this. Seems that you must really have put some great importance on lying in your household several times before this experience for him to be holding on to it for so long. I can understand why you would be upset about this too, I never want my kids to think/feel that I have lied to them. I want them to know that they can come to me about anything and know that I will be honest with them.

11 moms found this helpful

You tell him:
Yes, we lied.
I am sorry.
We didn't choose the best idea. But we were worried you would not want to get your shots. But you need it for school.
I am sorry. Mommy and Daddy made a mistake. We realize that."

THAT is what you tell him.
As a parent, WE have to admit mistakes too. AND Apologize.
I do with my kids.
It matters. To them.
It is important when parents own up to their mistakes, too.

To a child, this was a "lie."

all the best,
Susan

11 moms found this helpful

I think you're already out of the hole.

The next time you have a drs appt where you KNOW you're son is going to need shots just prep him in advance. Explain that you know it's important to be honest with him, so you need to trust him to not kick and scream.

Also, there's research that shows that if you give a child a sucker 30 mins BEFORE shots they fuss less in duration and intensity. The belief is that the sugar helps the endorphins kick in. We've always done this with my kids, and it's worked out great.

Try not to worry about it too much. We all go through similar things and the kids get over it fast.

9 moms found this helpful

Tell him, that you thought at the time you were doing the best thing for him, but now you realize you should have told him the Dr had the needle coming. Tell him that you were suprised as well and didn't expect the Dr to say that and it caught you off guard.

Let him know it won't happen again, and that he has to also do his part to remain calm and reasonable. Remind him, it wouldn't have happened in the first place had he not been freaking out. Then give him a big hug and go get some ice cream.

8 moms found this helpful

I think you did the right thing. You apologized. Now it's time for him to move on.

Next time he brings it up, you say "You're right, you were lied too. I understand that you are angry, and I'm sorry. But it's time to move on now. I don't make you say sorry again and again for the things that you do wrong." (Might even be helpful to give a specific example if he's had to apologize recently).

Good luck.

7 moms found this helpful

Have the conversation with the doctor in front of your son. Tell her exactly that you feel she made a mistake and violated your trust and your son's. Let him see that you stand up for him. Honestly, you should have said tha tin the moment... but I am sure you were too appalled to talk. She should apologize to him for lying to him or you need to find a new doctor. I would be furious.

7 moms found this helpful

You can firmly say that you did NOT lie to him, without even mentioning that the doctor actually DID.
This is what I would say, "I did not lie to you. I didn't say anything at all that would make you think you were not getting a shot. Now, you are not hurting anymore over the shot, so you need to stop hurting mom and dad's feelings by calling us liars."

Your integrity is still intact, and your son can learn to not hold a grudge, and that other things hurt feelings just as much as lies do.

Good luck!

7 moms found this helpful

I think you need to call the doctor and tell her she needs to apoligise to your son. You have taught him well and he is hurt that he was lied too. I don't blame him, I would be too. He trusted this doctor, she lied and his trust is a little shacky now. No matter what happens now this doctor needs to start over to re-build his trust. If she won't take responsibility for her mistake, I would be calling her supervisor or looking for a new doctor.

6 moms found this helpful

You did lie to him (not intentionally but sorry, that doesn't count). Tell him you did and apologize - model the behavior you would want him to do. Then tell him why it won't happen again - you will tell the nurse/doctor that you do not want them to surprise your son. And follow through - it is good for your son to see you advocate for him.

If you try saying you did not lie, the doctor did, you will be demonstrating that it is ok to assign blame to other people, especially people who are not present. You don't want DS to start doing that too.

6 moms found this helpful

Let it go- you didn't lie to him, but in his little kid mind you did. If you keep revisiting the topic, then you are giving the whole episode more weight than it's worth.

What would I do? I would say, you're right. Mommy should have told you that the doctor was going to give you the shot and I'm sorry. Then leave it at that. If he brings it up again, "we've already talked about that and I will not discuss it any more".

You're not in a hole... he's milking it!

5 moms found this helpful

I would start by changing doctors. What they did was not acceptable. My daughter's ped was always honest with her and if she was upset, took the time to calm her down, and would never blindside her with something like an injection.

5 moms found this helpful

You should straighten this out. First, YOU and Dad did NOT lie to him. The doctor did. (And frankly, I think that is a HORRIBLE thing for a doctor to do to a child -- a patient, that they should be trying to build trust with). You need to correct your son on that point, that you didn't know the doctor was doing that before it happened. (A split second of knowing doesn't count, dear. He didn't tell you that was his plan. Once in motion it would have been counterproductive - if not downright impossible to have stopped it).

But, I do think that you need to contact the doctor privately (as in, when your son can't hear your discussion) and explain that you are unhappy with the method she used and that you don't want things done that way in the future with your child(ren). That to foster trust with your son, she now needs to apologize and explain her behavior to him.

Just my 2¢

4 moms found this helpful

A few other responders have said you apologized. The story you report does NOT include any words of apology for the part you played in the sequence of events, only an explanation. Your son needs an apology, and you can do this without saying that YOU lied to him. He felt tricked, and you and his dad were right there allowing it (from his point of view) to happen.

I'd apologize to him sincerely so your family can move on and the trust that was shaken can be restored. The art of apology is seldom modeled by parents, even those who demand apologies from their children (not saying this is necessarily you), and so actual situations in which a meaningful apology can happen are like gold.

If this were my child, I'd say "Sweetie, you felt tricked and that was disturbing to you. It left you wondering whether you can trust us again. I want you to know that I am so, so sorry the way everything came together, and that you got a shot when you were expecting a thermometer. That would upset me, too. If I could go back and do it all over again, I promise you I would make sure you knew what was going to happen, even if that would have been scary for you. I trust that you're getting grown up enough now to hear the truth. Will you please forgive us? I learned a lot from this."

A child who receives heartfelt apologies is much more likely to be able to give heartfelt apologies in the future. And when bad things happen, it's okay to acknowledge that you wish they had happened differently.

4 moms found this helpful

I would ask him when you lied to him and then tell him that "We told you that you were getting shots, you saw the doctor come in with the needle and got upset. Once you were calm and the doctor came back in, she wasn't honest with you because she didn't want you worked up but daddy and I did NOT lie to you. As long as you don't act like that in the future, the doctor will not need to be dishonest".

I always try to be direct whenever possible.

4 moms found this helpful

If I were you I would switch doctors if possible. And I would definitely pin it on the doctor-it was the doctor's fault. Not sure why you are taking the blame-or talking yourself into taking the blame like it sounds like you are doing. I would side with my son on this one 100%. My son once had a doctor tell him he was not going to swab for strep-and then did when my son opened his mouth. I have never taken an appointment with that doc since and made clear to my son it was wrong of the doc to deceive him.

And your son senses your guilt and is playing it up-that is why he keeps saying that you lied to him. He likes that he has something on you. Don't let him do it again.

4 moms found this helpful

he is five he will get over it. If it makes you feel any better you are not the only mom to ever be in this spot. But the more you try to explain it away the longer he will hold on to it. Tell him you are sorry that he needed shots and it is over by the end of the week he will have forgotten about it

4 moms found this helpful

Maybe this is a good lesson for him about how bad it is to lie and how important it is to know the truth. you can use it as an example for the future : "Remember that time at the doctor's when you felt that we lied to you? How did that make you feel? Wouldn't you want us to trust you and not feel that way?" etc...

3 moms found this helpful

Apologize to your to your son. He is right, it shouldn't have been handled that way. It's OK to tell him you don't like how the doctor handled it, and you will find a new doctor to go to from now on who will not use any of these kinds of tricks. It's important that he can trust his doctor, and I cannot blame him for being upset. He will have a hard time trusting anything that this doctor says from now on, and I'm surprised that doctor doesn't seem to care that what she did damaged his trust in her. Switching doctors is a pain (we had to switch dentists because our old dentist treated my 7 year old awfully) but it is worth it to back up your kids when you know they deserve much better.

3 moms found this helpful

I think you've apologized and now need to teach him about accepting an apology.

I also like how Brenna suggested you talk to him the next time it comes up.

2 moms found this helpful

Luv my Wonderful Life answered this perfectly =-) It's what I would have written.

2 moms found this helpful

The doctor did what needed to be done. Would you rather she try and inject a struggling child and have the needle break off? I wish my Ped was that clever.....

2 moms found this helpful

L., I understand what you are saying, and it's a shame your doctor did this. I am sure that the doc didn't actually mean to throw you under the bus, but that's what happened.

That said, you cannot let your son call the shots with this. He will use this against you in order to get what he wants if you allow it. Just because he doesn't want a shot, doesn't mean he gets to keep from having one. There will be times he will need blood drawn and that involves a needle too.

Rather than allow him tocontinue to push you around with the "lie" conversation, start talking to him about what shots are for. If there is a book in the library that talks about it, that would help. Prep him every time you take him to the doctor, that though you don't know if he will get a shot, if the doctor says he needs one, then he will get one. Tell him point blank how he needs to act, and that you expect him to behave.

Never let you child control his own healthcare. That's your job.

D.

2 moms found this helpful

You did not lie to him. The doctor sort of "tricked" him. I would explain to him that Mommy did not lie, but the Dr did in a way. Explain why she did it and explain that you did not know she was going to do that or else you would have told her not to do it. When my son was 5 he really hated shots and would freak out. I took him with me when I had to give blood a couple times and let him watch...with me smiling the whole time. I explained that it's just a tiny prick and the pain just lasts for a second. Not like breaking a bone or something where the pain lasts a long while. And of course we explained why it is so important to get your shots. He has been great about getting his shots ever since! (He's 7)

2 moms found this helpful

I think you did good, if he talk about it again tell him you are sorry he got scare, it everything happen so fast you didn't have enough time to explain but you will try next time.
Smart of you don't put your son against the doctor.

2 moms found this helpful

Okay, this is just my opinion, but I would consider finding a different doctor. Your son needs to know that he can trust his doctor, and lying to a patient is NOT okay... ever. I understand that the doctor was just trying to get the shot over with, but with patience and understanding, your son could have been coaxed to go through with it without the doctor lying to him.

2 moms found this helpful

Just tell him that was messed up the doctor did that, it was wrong, you apologize, it won't happen again. Remind him he's going to need shots for the rest of forever and he better start practicing his brave and strong face!

1 mom found this helpful

My son was right around that age when he learned what a fun time he could play with mind games and guilt trips. I would just explain that I did not lie to him. He never got much of a reaction like he wanted so he quit saying that. I would just explain that the doctor knew that he was a big boy and could handle the shots but she just wanted him to lay still so it would not make a big, ugly bruise.

1 mom found this helpful

Your not the worst parent in the world. I have had to do way worse things to my kids for blood tests, EEGs, enemas, suppositories ---- and the list goes on.

The best things is to own it appologize, and move on. But plan for this next time. That's the fun part. Try walking your kid into the operating room, and having him flip out as soon as he sees where he is going -- the hospital personnel we surprised he figured it out so fast. I was ready, scooped him right up, pinned and said gas NOW please! They wanted him to calm down first. I said: "won't happen and every minute you wait increases the chance of a seizure." They moved real fast then.

Good Luck!

1 mom found this helpful

I wouldn't change pediatricians over just this. I would mention your concerns to her at the next visit, and ask kindly that she be more forthcoming with your child. In many practices, physicians see patients every 15-20 minutes. Although this may sound harsh, I think we all need to remember that each parent or child is not the center of the universe. Your child's doctor has limited time and in her judgment at that time she chose to take a particular route to give your child the shot (in his best health interests). OK, so she chose to tell your child something that you would have preferred she not say to get him to do something. However, under the specific conditions of that particular day (and who knows how many issues were occurring for HER at that time) that may have been the only/best thing she could come up with. So she made a mistake. If you really like your pediatrician in most other ways, this mistake is not irreparable or unredeemable. Just let her know next time about how bothered your son was and get over it. I also like Peg M's response below.

1 mom found this helpful

Wow. Sorry about this. I'm a bit confused? Did you know that the doctor was going to give your son the shot when she asked him to lie down to get his temperature taken? If so, you, your husband, and the doctor all lied to your son. It may have been her words, but you did not stop her. Personally, I don't believe your son should have been tricked and I think it was wrong for this to have happened. If you did not give permission for this "trick shot" to occur, I think you should think about a new doctor. Or, at least, talk the the doctor about not doing this type of thing again. You should also have your son with you when you and the doctor, together, apologize and say you will never do this again. Granted, you needed him to get his shot, but maybe there was a better solution than this trickery. I can totally understand why your son is upset. So, if it was me, I would make sure your son knows you all made a mistake and it will never happen again. Also, be sure to emphasize that it was your son's crying behavior that lead to the issue in the first place. So, in the future, he needs to be able to control himself. So, essentially, everyone was to blame. Make sure your son realizes his role in this situation.

Hi L.,
I have no advice here plus you've gotten a lot already. I just wanted to say kudos for the way you are bringing up your son. I think it is pretty amazing that he was able to articulate his feelings so well and not have a problem telling you. I also think it was great that you apologized. It is important that parents remember to say sorry as well. It is great modeling.