My 4Yr Old Is Behind the Other 4 Year Olds in Her Pre K Class!! HELP!

Hi M., I would back way off. She is only 4 and school should be nothing but fun at this stage. Both my girls had two years of pre-school but we purposely didn't do "pre-K" classes as we wanted to avoid anything academic at such a young age. They are in first & fifth now at an excellent school and doing great. Lots of people think we Americans push our kids way too hard to read and do school work at a young age. Why is it we accept huge development differences in toddlers (ie. walking, talking etc.) but as soon as they are preschoolers they are all supposed to learn at the same rate. You seem like you are taking way too much responsibility for this, I would just stop "working with her" at all. Keep reading everyday, chapter books and stuff that requires her concentration, she won't even know how good it is for her. Count or do phonics when you are out or in the car, rhyming songs and letter sounds. If she doesn't want to do something don't try to make her it'll just turn her off. She has a whole year before Kinder and if she still isn't ready what's wrong with waiting another year? Try not to be so hard on yourself it looks like your raising your daughter on your own, under tough circumstances. As for your question about reading/writing my older daughter went to a alternative charter school where they never really "taught" her to read. By first grade she just started on her own and is now at a very academic school getting straight A's and LOVES to read constantly. My first grader went only to the academic school that they attend now. They pushed academics pretty hard so she was reading in Kinder. I will say now in first that although she is doing very well she doesn't seem to enjoy it as much and I hope she doesn't get burned out as the years pass. Whatever you do don't let your relationship suffer, your love and spending quality time with your daughter is way more important then some arbitrary deadline for learning. You sound like a great Mom, hang in there!

1 mom found this helpful

Wow! Lots of good advice from other moms, similar to what I'm about to say.

1) PreK is not Kindergarten--it is just for learning to follow directions, socialize with others, and sit at "circle."

2) Kindergarten is an optional grade--children can enter at first grade if they have developed the skills at home that they might have developed in kindergarten. These skills are things like learning to write your name, counting to 30, reading, writing and recognizing those numbers, reciting the alphabet and the sounds the letters represent, and writing the letters, writing simple sentences such as "I like milk."(no emphasis on capital letters and punctuation), and reading a small number of sight words. This information can be obtained from the California Department of Education website link to state standards for mathematics and language arts. Remember that these are skills the child has obtained in Kindergarten and needs to have to be successful in FIRST grade.

3) Children can start kindergarten at age 6, and some should. School is not daycare, and some children are not ready. This reason is why so many children are retained at the kindergarten level.

I've been teaching kindergarten through third grade and often times it is the early start children that struggle in these primary grades and who are retained in these grades.

That's my input; therefore, I suggest you find an alternative preschool for your daughter.

Warmly, J.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi,
My son went through a phase right before he turned 4. He would tell me "I don't know how to write that letter or what shape that is." The frustrating thing was that I knew that he knew the answer. I can relate with the frustration. I noticed that when I would show even a little bit of frustration, he would clam up and not want to do any kind of learning.
I got a dry erase board, and we started by playing with it, and drawing things and he would try to draw the same things, and then we slowly moved back to the letters shapes and numbers. I found that by making the learning fun at home, he did better at school and with me.
Another thing that I did is took a picture of something for every letter of the alphabet, such as a picture of an apple for "A" or a cat for "C", then I cut out a letter every other day and had him glue it on a peice of construction paper and then we search through the pictures to find the one that we could glue next to the letter. It takes hardly any time and gives them a fun learning experience.
Hang in there. It sounds like you just have a strong willed child. Praise her alot for the things that she does good.
Good luck
K.

1 mom found this helpful

Children live by example and in a positive atmosphere. What are you doing while she's doing homework? Watching your favorite show on TV while she sits writing over and over? While cooking dinner, are you involving her? Count spoonful the beans, cut the cupcake in half or quarters (teaches measurements and numbers)My kids use to love their sanwiches cut into as many bite-size pieces I could make! Reward Charts are excellent also. Kids love to earn stars, happy stickers etc. I use to tape a nickel for each day and a quarter to Friday (use a calander- teach days of the week, how many weeks in a month and month name) The sticker reward was for good school report from the teacher that day and money after home work done for the day. The amount of stickers earned equalled a reward at the end of the month. I'd find "free" places of intrest and plan to go. Or take her money and buy an icecream. Pack up sandwiches (cut into pieces!)and a blanket and eat at the park under a tree. But the money earned it went in their piggy bank and were allowed to use it that week end or as they learned, save it longer, you can buy more! Teaches earning, discipline, money, counting etc. But all the ideas given by anyone will only work IF YOU stick to the rules and not give in to the "PLEASE MOMMY" or the tears/tantrum.

It's not always easy being the one to say no or make rules stick. In the long run, you were given the responcibility for this wonderful blessing of a child. You are her example, good or bad. She watches you. But no matter what avenues you take to help her, mix in plenty of hugs and kisses!

A Little about me:
I have raised two. My daughter is a Child Behavior Specalist with Autism. My son teaches chemistry/physics and Leadership at High School Level. I was a mom at 18 years old, I am a mammography tech, volunteer with the American Cancer Society. My most rewarding job, yes, you guessed it, raising my children!

1 mom found this helpful

M.,
Don't stress out about this and stop giving yourself such a hard time! I taught preschool (pre-k) for years and I can tell you that the fact that she is enrolled at all will help give her an educational boost for kindergarten. Some things to consider:

Kids learn through play so making learning games will produce more results than worksheets will.

Preschool is not mandatory and last I checked Kindergarten is not required either. Some kids start school with absolutely no school experience at all and do fine. You can still put your daughter in kindergarten without the endorsement of you preschool teacher if you think she is smart enough. She may need more than preschool can offer.

If your daughter is stubborn and is getting a rise out of you she will continue to give you a hard time. Try not to engage in a power struggle with her. If she doesn't want to write her name don't make her. Just say okay and go do something else without her. She wants your attention and she will be more likely to comply this way. Negative attention is still attention so give her positive attention (by her working with you) or no attention.

Good preschool teachers know how to engage children of all learning styles and personalities. If they are complaining that she is behind ask them what their plan is to get her on track. If there is no progress in a reasonable amount of time (say within 2 months), switch preschools. Ask around for referrals from your friends and other moms in your community. Some preschools are better than others and you kinda get what you pay for too.

Well, I hope you will be able to relax and stop blaming yourself for what is going on. Kids are resilient and you seem like a great mom.

E.

1 mom found this helpful

My dear, you have so much on your plate.Believe me, I can relate...I even was a fashion designer (childrens' wear) many years ago. Step back and take a breath. Your daughter is only 4-years-old. Still a baby in my book.Perhaps you are expecting too much. Or maybe that teacher is playing off your own fears. Sad to say, some people get a certain satisfaction in making another feel badly or insecure or not good enough or....well, you get the picture. While reading is wonderful, not all children take an interest or start doing it at the same time. That's what we have school for--in theory. But remember that schools have a vested interest in seeing to it that all students do things at the same time. They like an homoginized approach because it is orderly and let's face it, they're dealing with a bunch of kids. In reality, each child is different and comes with a unique set of interests and possibilities. You say your child can write her name? Great! But she won't write it at school? Maybe she's uncomfortable in the situation. Maybe somebody told her she was doing it wrong, or not well enough or who knows what? Take a moment to really examine what is and isn't going on at her pre-K. Don't immediately think that it's your child who's the problem. Remember, perception creates reality. This is not a paradigm you want to create with your child. And relax. If it's any consolation, my youngest. who I home schooled, didn't start reading until she was eight, though of course, I read to her A LOT. She's now a junior in a very top drawer college back east, with an almost full scholarship. Best of all, she loves learning. That's what we want, isn't it? For them to love learning? Never stop trying with your child. If she's not into what you're showing her, try a different tact. Keep your sense of humor and don't be intimidated by teachers who don't really know your child and will never care about her the way you do.

1 mom found this helpful

Let me first say, wow, that sounds like a lot on your plate, and second off I hear a LOT of guilt from you which I'm sure is NOT helping with the frustration level.

Have you tried setting aside a time once a night where you spend 30 minutes or so with her going over certain things like numbers/colors/name etc. That maybe has some sort of reward at the end of the week. If she does all of the "work" in that 30 minutes than she gets a star, if she gets 7 stars she gets an ice cream on Friday type of deal?? or she gets to make cookies with you on Saturday, etc.

Another idea to help you with your frustration and to maybe get some more ideas of how to help her want to learn, there are parenting classes thru a few different county resources, you'd have to check thru your local parks and recs, or maybe even the licensing board in your community. I also noticed at this very fun place in Berkeley we went to a B-day party at (very fun/hands on educational place) that they have parenting classes as well not sure if there is a fee, but I think the museum is free so the classes may be too. It's called Habitot (habitot.org is the website).

I hope that helps, and my last thought is she really might be acting out a little because of all the changes (don't take it personal, I trust you did the best you could with what you were going thru), so she may just need a little more love and attention to help stear her through this.....you might need some yourself.

My heart goes out to you, it's hard when your child isn't doing everything you thought they should.....don't beat yourself up, it will get better and she's so young that this is the BEST time to get her caught up.

Good luck to you
K.

PreK is mostly for the socialization and following rules and order imposed by a teacher as opposed to in the home environment. If you are getting into shouting matches and arguments, there is too much pressure, in my opinion, and it'd be better to back off and see what happens. Encourage her to name letters and draw, and look at books with you, but don't force it. Good luck!

Hi M.,
You've had a great response to your request. I don't know that I have anything else to add. Just want to lend you my support. It will turn out fine. There does not seem to be an ability issue. Just a power struggle. It sounds like your family has been through a lot. Just focus on enjoying each other and providing love and limits. The academics will come. Even if she starts kindergarten late, it's not as important as feeling safe and secure and accepted at home.
Good luck.

It is very possible that your daughter has food allergies or intolerances. Read about both on the internet. Research especially dairy and gluten. Artificial colors can often cause behavior problems in kids. A change in her diet might be a good start! Hang in there! You are a good mom and you are doing the best you can!!! You have been through a lot. Take care.

Hi Michelle ~
I know that it can be overwhelming at times; but hang in there. Have you thought about having your daughter's vision checked? My son was so far behind the other kids and I did the same as you; praying evernight (still do) and I read to him since the day he was born. It was in the first grade where I asked him "Can't you see that this word is 'green'?" (Or whatever word it was). He looked at me in frustration and said, "Mom, my words dance!" Can you imagine how I felt? I had him tested and it turned out that his eye muscles had not developed properly. As a result, I took him to "eye therapy" on a weekly basis and it was like a miracle. His vision improved to that of an 8 1/2 year old in one year. (He was six at the time and his vision was that of a 2 year old).
As for the bratty behavior; let her know that it is not acceptable in your home and take something away from her (favorite toy, etc) ~ and DO NOT GIVE IT BACK until she apologizes to you! (Even if she says it will never happen again.) Good luck to you both! ~ Lucy B.

Dear M.,
First of all, I would like to say that it sounds like you need to give yourself a break. You've been through an awful lot. The other thing I want to say is that being too hard on yourself is counterproductive. Your daughter is only 4. If you don't have all this perfected and figured out and dialed in by the time she is 5, she will not turn into a pumpkin. Kids, under even the best of circumstances, are a process when it comes to finding what works.
The other thing you need to know is that intelligence has nothing to do with whether or not a child is ready for the structure of school, especially kindergarten. There were several kids in my son's K class that were held back because they simply lacked the maturity to flow from one activity to another or remain seated or be able to work in a group. I don't want to get any hate mail, it's just an observation, but it was kids who were only children that seemed to have the most trouble. My daughter was an only child for 10 years and started kindergarted at 4. She was so intelligent that it was frightening. But, she was also very stubborn. Apparently she thought she could pick and choose what she wanted to do at school, or not, and when. I just flat told her that she could stay in kindergarten for however many years it would take her to figure out that being stubborn wasn't going to get her anywhere. And you know....I went through it with her every single year. Didn't matter what grade it was. She wanted to test me and the teacher. I'd get called for a conference and right in front of her just say, "Hey...if you don't do the work and listen just like everyone else has to do, that's fine. But you will not have friends over, you will not ride your bike or get to go skating. You can be old enough to get your driver's license and still be sitting here in the 3rd grade. It's up to you." Then she'd settle down and get with the program. Until the next year. She was never rude or impolite. Her teachers adored her. But, if she didn't feel like doing something, she just wasn't going to do it. She REALLY screwed off in her Junior year of high school. She told me she had no homework or she hated this subject or that class. She wasn't doing a damn thing. I guess she thought she could just skate on being very pretty and very popular and didn't need to worry about anything else. Talk about stubborn! She didn't care if she got detention for not turning in assignments. She'd rather spend a couple hours in detention than spend a week researching something that she had absolutely no interest in. BUT, at the same time, she wanted to be a cheerleader. And she was asked right in front of everyone to please leave because she knew her grades were not good enough for her to be there. She was so embarrassed. And it was the best thing that could have happened to her. She completely knuckled down after that and quit goofing off.
Sorry for telling you all that, but I guess my point is there is no magic age when kids just "get it" and all goes smoothly after that. It's really a process.
I hope you have a strong support system. And, you might want to get some counselling because it really can help with finding ways to communicate effectively with our kids. Your daughter may be stubborn, like mine. She may want the security of a firm structured routine. But if you haven't had one before, it could be scary to her.
If she's not ready to start kindergarten, don't sweat it.
If it takes a little time to figure out a way around the stubborn struggle, that's okay too.
Please remember to be good to yourself.
You are doing a great job!

I'll keep you in my thoughts.

I put my daughter in K when she was 4, turning 5 and was amazed that she was the youngest in the class, so ofcourse she was behind most of the other kids, because she was a year younger. Almost every kid in that class was 5 turing 6 and I found out later they wait because then their child has a good grasp on school be then and isn't struggling as much. So if you can, wait another year, let her enjoy her childhood and no responsibilities, because it will all change once school starts! (FYI - our Kindergarten class had about 10 pages front and back of homework due each week, so if she is not ready, don't push her.)

Good Luck!

M.:

You are making learning a chore rather than fun. I am the mother of 6 year old who was in daycare with a great preschool program until he went to kindergarten. He program focused on writing fundamentals like playing with playdoh to build up his fine motor skills and lots of art that built his sense of mastery.

I would ask why you are so intent on teaching her to write her name, reading, etc? Flash cards for 4 year olds? It is all too much and if you continue to make it a battle of wills, it will only get worse.

I would suggest taking a holiday from the "learning" and do something else with your child that is not "academic" per se. It could be cooking (teaches math, and fine motor), planting a garden (teaches sustainability, math- count the seeds,etc,), or playing a card game like war.

My son entered kindergarten without the ability to write his name in a clear manner and within two weeks of school, he could write it with no problem. He also learned to read a tiny bit in preschool and then was reading well by the end of kindergarten.

Good luck.
N.

I am definitely not an expert, but I thought I would suggest that you really try to capitalize on the learning that is fun for your daughter. I am guessing that she is experiencing some performance anxiety and is shutting down as a result. Celebrate the learning that she does and help her to feel really proud, rather than to feel like she's not doing enough or should be doing more. Show her how much fun you have learning. Help her to see how much more she knows now than she did when she was little. I think all children have an innate love of learning, but fears and other issues get in the way. Maybe make some games. If you're trying to get her to write her name and it starts with an R, see how many R's you can find as you go for a walk, for example. See how many different ways there are to write the letter R and ask her which one she likes best. When you get home, you can give her pretty markers and ask her to draw the prettiest R she can draw. I'm just brainstorming, but I think trying to find the joy in it is the key. (And making sure that she knows that your love for her is not dependent on how well or quickly she learns to write or read.) Good luck to you both.

Oh my goodness! You are dealing with alot right now. I'm so sorry for your and your daughter's loss. I wish I knew who put that notion in your head that you have somehow failed your daughter by not 'keeping up with preschool fundamentas'. Whomever it was, you should stop listening to them. All parents, single or not, working or not, have enough pressures without others somehow trying to make them feel like failures.

As for 4 year old learning expectations, they are all over the map. Some 4 year olds are reading simple books, while others may only know a few letters and can not yet write their names. Both are still within the norm, just learning at their own speed. Studies have shown over and over again that kids who learn to read in preschool and kids who don't learn until 2nd grade are all reading at the same level by 4th grade. There are many well respected private schools that don't even begin to teach reading until 1st grade.

My girls went to non-academic preschool. They did have the 'letter of the week' and activities were connected to that letter. (Dinosaurs on D week, etc.), but the kids were never expected to string these letters into words or even begin writing their own names. Just to recognize the letters and their names written on their cubbies etc. This school did much more exploratory learning. What happens if you mix paint with shaving cream on metal tray? What happens if you dig up some dirt and put it into a jar of water and shake it? What will that water/dirt look like the next morning if you just leave it there? Do sticks float? Both of my girls came home dirty and happy everyday and bursting with things to tell me about!

I read to them each night (like you are doing) and just talked to them throughout our everyday activities (When we get to the corner we are going to turn right to get to the store), and tried to include them in whatever I was doing (We need four potatoes, can you help me pick them out?). That's it. No workbooks. Just life's learning opportunities.

Now they are in 9th grade and 6th grade with mostly A's (sometimes all A's!) and taking advanced classes. My youngest didn't learn to read until very late in first grade, but now reads at an 8th grade level in 6th.

All this to say, please, please relax and give yourself and your daughter a break. :0) You are both doing a great job! I know there can be extra pressure put on single moms to prove they can do everything perfectly. Contantly comparing yourself, and your daughter to others to see how you are measuring up is a losing game. There really is no such thing as a perfect mom. Or child. You will both benefit far more in the long run from learning how to relax and enjoy life together, than you will from learning to do school work together at such an early age.

You sound like a great mom. Your daughter is lucky to have you in her life always looking out for her best interests!

I commend you for making this a priority even with your hands already so full. It sounds like you're close to a breaking point. And it sounds like that stress is affecting your interactions with your daughter. I would seriously suggest you work on your own patience level before you try to work with her academically. She is probably reponding to your short temper, and that won't get you guys anywhere. Try to take care of yourself, and see if you can find a few minutes a day to just take a deep breath and relax, and focus your energy and mood. Meditation, or just a ten minute period alone with your coffee? Is there a neighbor who can come and keep an eye on your girl for half an hour while you just breath and prepare for the day? She'll respond much better to a happy mom, I bet. I also agree with other mom's here, many kids aren't reading or writing until 5 or 6, and then they do just fine. One day at a time, and the more fun those days are for both of you, the better able she'll be to learn the new material. All the best.

My Son is four and he can't do any of the things that you describe, and I am not stressed about it. Reading your post made me a bit anxious....I think that your daughter will be fine with time. If she attends a private school she may struggle, but I would think in the public system there would be a lot of children entering the program at her level and she will eventually catch up.

Sounds like you are doing a wonderful job of providing your daughter with all the things she needs and in the Valley, that is not easy. I think your daughter will be find, as she has a caring Mom who will work with her to succeed! Just don't worry so much.

Hi Michelle,

It's amazing how much she will change in only one year in terms of her interest in learning new things. Take away tv during the week..that is a definite distraction and will only make teaching her more difficult. Make learning more fun...ie., get marbles to count, play learning games and choose books with topics that interest her. My son is 5 and daughter 6. They learn at different paces. My son was not doing well in pre-K last year..bottom of his class and we weren't sure whether or not to put him in Kindergarten. Over the summer he blossomed and he loves Kindergarten and learning things at a much faster rate. I think I stressed to much, like you over how many letters he could write or read. It will all fall into place in Kindergarten. Wait until mid summer before you make a decision to hold her back..you may be pleasantly surprised at the changes that occur in that short time.

Why push her? It's only preschool. It's meant to be fun and to learn cooperation. Try switching schools to a Waldorf or Emillio Reggio format. Kids have a natural curiosity to learn. Pressure at school and homework kill that curiosity. It sounds like it's been killed for her. I read that in Finland kids don't even start any school until they are 7 and they have the best grades in the world.
Don't pressure her. You'll make her insecure. Encourage learning to be FUN! Good Luck

WOW, you are one busy mommy! You are doing a great job, but for some reason you are down on yourself. All kids learn at their own pace. Could your daughter be depressed? Remember that our kids feed off of our emotions. If she senses stress in you, she will become stressed. It's okay for kids to learn some things from other sources than mom. My son learned his letters from blues clues. his shapes and colors from baby einstein, and sign language without my help (sometimes I still dont know what he's signing). I dont think it's lazy to take advantage of modern day resources for the added benefit of our children. Furthermore, she is probably far advanced of many children her age. Mine just turned four and he cant write anything yet. Could she be bored by lower levels of learning?

Anyway, you are doing great, and dont be so hard on yourself. Pre-K is designed to teach children HOW to learn, so make sure to support those efforts by encouraging her to participate without it being about showing what she already knows, but more about how to learn new things.

Hi M.,
As a family therapist, my first guess is that your daughter is asking for more attention-- all she has to do is refuse to do her homework and she gets your undivided attention for the evening! Try putting it back on her. 'Honey, this homework is for you-- I already know how to read. When you're ready to practice, come get me.' Then walk away. I know it won't be easy, but I can guarantee that if you pick up a book and leave her on her own, she'll find that studying cooperatively with mom is much more fun than being a pill. Don't try this unless you're sure you can do it, though! If you say 'I'm leaving it up to you' and then nag her, you've lost all credibility!
Also, don't underestimate the power of her emotions. Have you tried talking to her about how she feels about school, her father (i'm assuming) dying, and the tough times you all went through?
Best of luck!

First of all, take a deep breath, and relax. Your daughter is only 4 years old! I think sometimes we push them to grow up too fast, and don't let them just be kids. Sounds like your daughter will be ready for kindergarden, but she just enjoys giving you a hard time for the moment. You are the only one who can decide if she is ready or not. I have 4 kids, and one of them, who is 7, also gives me a hard time about doing homework. I have tried everything, but in the end, the best thing is just to let him either do it, or suffer the consequences of not doing it. (staying in at recess to do it the next day) He almost always comes around. It sounds like you are doing your best, and she will be fine. There is nothing to feel guilty about. Good luck!

Is she one of the youngest, oldest or average age in her class?? I wouldn't be so hard on yourslef, being a mom is a really hard job, I can imagine even harder on you being that your husband is no longer with you(sorry for your loss). I am sure it is hard on both of you. Some kids take a little longer to catch on than others. My son had a hard time and ended up repeating Kindergarten, I knew that might of happened and I kick myslef for not just letting him anther year of preschool. I was a young Kindergartener, his b-day is 5/31. I agree with the first response to not try so much at home, do FUN learning activites at home, things she doesn't even realize are learning activites like Candyland, Chutes and Ladders ect. I used the LeapFrog videos for my kids, they thought they were just watching cartoons! My Daughter started trying to read in preschool, and now if Kindergarten is doing a little more. My son had problems and now in 1st grade is really catching on more. I know with him the more I tried at home the more frusterated we both got and the less receptive he was. Keep your head up I am sure you are a great mom!!!!!!!!!!!! And I am sure your daughter will be fine and catch on soon!! GOOD LUCK!!!

HI,
First remember she is only 4. Maybe because things have been hard she needs time to re-group and would benefit by starting kindergarten when she is 6 rather then 5, she will be more mature and it will take the stress off both of you. 4 is really young and it sounds like she has been through a lot and so have you. I think maybe you should take the pressure off, stop studying and enjoy your daughter. Good luck
J.

First of all, I am glad that you are recognizing this early. As a fifth grade teacher, I meet so many parents who do not want to see things in their children, because after all, we love them and think that they are amazing. It is so easy to do things for our children that they should do themselves and to make our lives easier by not pushing issues, however, I don't think in the long run that will produce the independent, responsible children we want to raise.
It seems like right now you are doing a lot of things right...reading and praying, trying flash cards and songs to learn...VERY important. My suggestion is to keep doing those things but don't give up and try not to "label" your daughter. We all have a level that we can work at and I am sure you would agree that your daughter is not working to her personal best. It probably isn't because she is lazy or doesn't get it, my best guess would be that she doesn't want to put in the hard work and effort because she knows that you will not make her. Put in the work now and don't let her quit. There will be some crying and torture filled nights, but wouldn't you rather fight this fight now rather than when she is 15? You know what drives your daughter. Use that to motivate (not bribe) her. Good luck! It sounds like you are a wonderful mother and your daughter is lucky to have you!

STOP WORRYING! All children develop their reading skills at different ages (it can take some until 2nd grade to be ready). You cannot force the brain to develop any faster than it is ready to and drilling it into your child can actually burn up brain cells. I know it's hard, but try not to compare your 4 yr old to the other children. There is plenty of time for her to learn to read and once it clicks in... you won't believe how quickly she will pick it up. If your preschool is telling you she is "behind" the other children, look elsewhere. The worst thing you could do is make learning a chore for your child at this early stage. Keep it fun, low pressure, introduce concepts, but DO NOT stress her (or yourself) out about "getting it" yet.

Hi M.,

First of all, stop worrying. My daughter is now in 1st grade, and we went through the same thing. Even in kindergarten I would do flash cards, read with her, etc., and she would not retain any of the information. Her teacher told me it was normal for her age. I remember how frustrated my husband would get when she was in preschool because he would try to do flashcards with her and try to get her to read her Bob Books and she just wanted nothing of it. She is now in 1st grade and is doing just fine. She is showing interest now in reading and is retaining information much better. We use a lot of positive feedback, like I get REALLY excited when she gets things right and she gets little treats (small toys) when she progresses from one section to the next. That really seemed to help. But for now I really would not worry about it. She is still so young. And when she gets to kindergarted there will be a mix of children, some who have had years of preschool and teaching and some who stayed home and had none. They all seemed to do just fine and were at the same level by the end of the year. Don't worry!!!

Hi M.,

First of all, give yourself a break :o) It sounds like you're being really hard on yourself. LIFE HAPPENS and kids adjust according to how WE respond as parents. Your daughter will be just fine, you're just working through the "aftermath" of your little household whirlwind :o)

There are sooooooo many families that don't read and write with their children AT ALL, and those kids do just fine :o) Your daughter has all the academics "tools" she seems to need~thanks to her wonderful mother :o) She is taking advantage of your guilt right now which is why you're having trouble with her. You need to stop acting guilty about the whole thing. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT, and you are just doing the best that you can. That's real life.....

Pre-K helped my boys for sure. They learned wonderful things, and grew "very smart", but mostly, Pre-School helped them with their social skills. Socially, most kids are still adjusting to school when it starts, and what's expected of them. Pre-school can help alot with that, and getting along well with others your own age. If preschool is not affordable, then she will be fine in Daycare until it's time to start her in Kindergarten :o) So many kids enter K this way.

Some things that help make learning more fun in my house were:
***A big white board to write things down. I would be the "student" to ask questions about how to write a W. And my "teacher" would show me on the white board :o) We could do this while I made dinner or something.
***We have Transparencies in our home with markers. Have your daughter put it on a glass table with a desk lamp, and she'll have an "overhead" to teach with :o)
***Also, we have an Alphabet Bingo Game. That REALLY helped with learning sounds of letters.

Well, that's all I can think of M.. Everything will work out just fine. And by the way, I am so sorry that you have been going through a rough time lately. Alot of us have shared your emotions and struggles, however, I am fortunate enough to still have my husband to "vent all over" during those times.....I am sorry.

:o) N.

M.,
RELAX!!!...and quit blaming yourself! It sounds like you've had a rough road for a few years. So too, has your daughter. Every child learns at his or her own pace--it's referred to as "readiness". When she is ready, she will do it. Your child is only four, no harm in sending her to K a year later if necessary, especially given her rough start. Try to make learning fun and part of the routine in your home... Mommy needs a helper (cooking, shopping, cleaning...etc.). Work the basics into these things--counting items, searching for specific letters on boxes, colors. Give her lots of praise. There are also board/card games you can get or make to help learn the basics. Above all, keep reading to her every night! It's important to start developing social skills at her age, so continue to surround her with opportunities to socialize with others her own age. You'll be surprised how much she'll learn from them.

Relax and enjoy this wonderful age.
N. A...Mom and retired teacher

Sweetheart, I would relax if I were you. I am a mother of four children. I try not to have expectations in the academic department because I know eventually they will get all the information and skills they need. My three year old is extremely bright, but she doesn't say her ABC's in the right order. No big deal!!! She will learn them in Kindergarten. I have always been relaxed with my kids and taken a more play based approach with their learning and they are extremely bright children. My seven year old is reading and doing math at a third grade level now. To each their own. I would try not to stress and remember to remind yourself that your daughter is only a little girl once and will have the rest of her life to do work. She may love it or hate it, but she will hate it more if it is pushed too soon. Kindergarten will be ready for her whether she's ready or not and as far as writing her name , I wouldn't be concerned at all unless she still won't write it in the first grade.

M.-
I am a preschool teacher who teaches three year old and pre-k. Preschool is not about "desk" work. Children learn best through play. Sitting at circle is teaching listening, patience, concepts, etc. While a child going to kindergarten should recognize letters and possibly know how to write their name, the teachers really want to see that they have the attention span to listen, sit and absorb what is being taught. can your daughter follow a routine? Does she know her shapes, can she show courtesy to her classmates? These are the things that preschool is meant to teach. Recognition of colors, shapes, letters, sounds, etc. Don't underestimate the socialization experience she is learning. Also, DON'T STRESS!!! Your STRESS = HER STRESS. Make learning fun! Be patient, workbooks are not necessary. I never use them. Art is a wonderful outlet that I am sure she would love, get messy, ask her questions about size, shape, color, living/non living, etc.. engage in conversation w/ her..Good luck!

Hi M.,

There is a book by Mel Levine called "The Myth of Laziness" - his point is that kids aren't lazy - something else is going on.

Sounds like 1) you have had a lot going on -- that you have managed to continue to read to your daughter will do more for her than you can imagine. 2) This pre-k doesn't sound like it's developmentally based. Kids don't really benefit in the long run from doing desk work at this age. What would it do to your life if this just wasn't a good fit for your daughter and you moved her to a different program? Is there any way you can go see the teacher in action?

I would look at what your daughter is telling you by her unwillingness to do the work and talk to the teacher.

So sorry to hear about your situation. Its rough going it alone! I did from the time my son was six months to 7 years old. It ain't easy!

I am concerned that you think your daughter is lazy. I have never heard of a four year old being called that.

If you respect her teacher, please get some advice from her. I have also never heard of anyone pushing a four year old to do homework. I think with all that you have been thru, your first concern should be loving her, healing yourself and your relationship with your daughter. Forget homework for now!

If you think she has leaning challenges, we like Educational Strategies in San Jose. But, you guys have been thru a lot, take it easy on her! I like Stanley I. Greenspans books that talk about "Floor Time".

Hope this helps! Hang in there!

Don't be so hard on yourself. We as moms can only do the best than we can do for the moment that we were in. No regrets. Everything is a learning experiance, for us and them. I parent my kids a little different than a lot of moms I know. I am stay at home mom to 4 daughters with one more on the way in Feb. My husband is the only one working, so we cannot nor have we ever been able to afford preschool for our children. Our eldest was in day care until 5 years old, we both had to work at that time. My middle daughter did preschool 1-2 days a week 6 months before kindergarten started. Both of my daughters are very smart and way above average on all their testing. I made sure to read to them, and went to the library once a week with them for storytime and checking out books. We made it into a really fun outing to the park with a picnic. I also did arts and crafts with them, played games, and sang songs. We did play dates as well. I did the best that I could do. Now with my 3 year old twins, I am starting the same with them. I will not put them in preschool until they are almost ready for kindergarten. There is no way we could swing $150 a week times two. The best thing you can do for your children is to show them love and raise them up with do values and morales. And by you praying with your daughter, you are giving her even more of a great start. Children need a spiritual relationship, even more so than academics. Her faith will help her get through the many difficult situations that come her way in life. Great job. Her faith will get her through life with a different understanding, something that academics alone could not do. The academics is important, don't get me wrong, but at 4 years old you cannot put so much stress on it. Every child is different, and no one should expect the same out of every child at the same age. You have had your hands full, and you are doing the best you can do on a day to day basis. Take care of yourself and don't force anything. She will not learn anything when there is stress involved, it will be as if a wall comes up. Try it and if she doesn't want to do it, let it go, before tempers rise. She has also gone through a transition in her life and she needs to deal with it as well. Keep praying for yourself and for her and God will take care of you.

Well, Mom, I lovingly say to you, "No, no, no." Do not take responsibility for (what you see as) failures in your child. Can you imagine what will happen with that habit as she grows into a large and scary teen? Adult? Yikes. Kill it before it gets big! That attitude, that is. Yes, what we do affects our kids. But I staunchly believe they are who they are when they are born, and then as they have-and learn-from experiences, they grow and change and become more of who they are meant to be. So we have a lot to do with it, but in the end who they are depends on choices they make. Now, I have young adult kids, and I have worked at a school that teaches 4 year olds through 8th grade for 15 years, and also home schooled for 4. I have observed that some kids are not ready at 3 (Good grief!) or 4 or 5. Some start at 6 to really grasp school structure, ideas, academics, etc. Some are never studious. They just have to get through until they find their place in work they are good at. I think there may be more personal satisfaction doing that then remaining the eternal student who excels in school, college, graduate school, but doesn't know what to do after that! If you and she aren't finding school subjects doable together, apologize, and say you will start again in (your time frame here...) Or find another situation for her to learn in. In all my years working at the school, I never saw early learning like that give a child a boost. I just saw that if they were interested, they enjoyed it. If not, they didn't enjoy it. I did see children benefit from taking a year over. My son used to cry from not being able to read himself, at age 3. He learned at age 4. My daughter learned to read at age 5 and 6. She now has greater reading comprehension and retention than he does. But he just loves it a little more. So just love your child how she is and don't worry. You are working so hard at being a good mom that you don't even see how well you really are doing! Have fun with her!

Hi M.,

My first advice is don't stress. My daughter had the same issues, I didn't do those things with her & she went to preschool and never talked to her teachers. They were concerned and I was frustrated. It wasn't about me forcing her to do her work, I learned that she's praise oriented. Meaning that some kids are consequence oriented, they only get it when they don't like the consequence, vs praise meaning if they get the praise, they have no need to experience the consequence of not doing it. After trying the consequence first and realizing that she was okay with me taking her dolls/toys away, time out didn't work. I said, Ok, you know how to do it. Let me know when you're ready and then I'll pay attention and help. It took about 5 minutes, no joke, before she came around. Now, she's 6, in 1st grade and doing wonderfully! It took her a couple of months to talk to her Kindergarten teacher, but once she realized it was okay and safe then she began to be more outgoing. One thing I learned with her is that power struggles, in some way, don't work with her. Yes, she knows that I'm the parent and I make the rules, not her, but at the same time, if she wants a good grade & wants to go to the next grade etc, then she'll apply herself.
I should say that if this were my boys, I wouldn't do it this way. It's strictly based on what works for each child. This approach doesn't work with my boys. I have 5 kids, 3 boys, 2 girls.
Also, whatever trauma that she encountered, (I noticed it said widowed, and for that I'm truly sorry for your loss) she may just need extra time to feel safe & comfortable with her teachers. This will lessen with time, but she's only 4 and will come around. Encourage her and flatter her. It'll do wonders!

Good luck and I'll be praying for you & your family.
B.

Don't make learning a power struggle, or once she starts real school your life is going to be so difficult. Everything at this age should be about having fun. There are a lot of games out there that teach letters and numbers. If she can write her name at this time, then she is doing well. I have a 4 year old who is in his second year of preschool. The first year was totally socially based and basically they worked on getting along, waiting your turn, and self control. This year is more academically based and they are working on letters and numbers and basic math concepts. My son can recognize all of his letters and knows what sounds they make, but isn't close to reading yet. He can count to about 50, but doesn't write his numbers well and sometimes has trouble recognizing numbers greater than 10. We play a lot of games with numbers and anytime he wants to practice writing I always encourage it. We make it fun so he likes to write letters to his best friend (I tell him how to spell every word). It is a long process and sometimes frustrating for me, but he then mails the letter and then the friend writes back. They think it is so exciting to get mail and open and read their letters that they don't even realize they are learning when they do it. We sing that leapfrog song a lot that tells you what the letter is and then what sound it makes. Somehow turning it into a song makes it easier to remember. The problem sounds like your daughter's teacher isn't very good at getting her to engage. Some of it may just be some basic behavior problems on her part also. It sounds like you have both had a rough couple of years, so you have to take that into consideration too since that will effect her behavior. Make your expectations clear to her, that she needs to cooperate at school etc. and what the consequences will be if she does not. Then follow through. If she is used to being around babies, the adjustment to actual preschool could just be tough on her. It's definitely different being surrounded by her peers as opposed to babies. She is used to being one of the oldest kids, so she may be feeling a little insecure at her new school. I would give it some time for her to adjust and you have quite a bit of time before kindergarten registration, so you can reevaluate in the spring to see if the problems still exist. Again though, I think if you back off on the pressure at home she may be more cooperative at school. Good luck and let us know how things turn out.

Okay... don't panic. The first thing you should know is that all kids develop pre-k skills at different ages. Some are developmentally ready to do things much younger than others, but don't make that your barometer for where she should be... at least not at this age. You should for sure set some time aside, maybe 15 minutes a day or an hour once a week. This time should be fun. Set your expectations not at a place where you think she should achieve a certain skill, but rather where you just want to complete it and have fun. Make sure you sit down at a table with a booster, keep the TV off, no music, no toys or stuffed animals or blankets at the table, and be sure to give her your full attention - that means have the craft/activity ready ahead of time and don't get distracted by the phone or chores. Totally devote that short amount of time to your daughter and expect that she do the same. Then while you complete the craft make sure you don't expect her to master any certain skill, but gently guide her. And you may have to actually do more of the craft with her in the beginning, but then she'll get better and better at it and eventually will hardly need your help for things a few months ago seemed impossible to master.

So, you make it fun. Don't let her make the rules or you'll be back at square one. Keep an even, gentle voice to say "Sweetie, this is a fun project and we're going to do it together. As soon as your finished you can hop down and go play, but right now this craft is what we're going to do, so let's have fun. Do you want to glue by yourself or would you like some help?" That's why I like booster chairs with a tray... they can't escape!!

As for her kindergarten readiness...pre-k is a huge help for that, but they do so much in kindergarten and the teachers (at least ours) were fantastic. Some kids really struggled at the beginning of the year and by the end of the year you'd never even know kindergarten was ever difficult for them. I say keep up with pre-k, and if you feel like her particular school isn't going to be effective at teaching (let's face it, some are great and some are not so hot), then maybe look into another school. But, keep her in... she's the right age for it and I bet she'll come around, just a little slower than you would have expected. With proper guidance and lots of love...she'll get it.

I wrote a book called Kitchen Table Play and Learn (Amazon). It's got over 300 crafts and activities for parents to do with their preschool-aged children. It was written with parents in mind because it has a list of preschool skills kids should be developing as well as tips for doing these types of crafts with your own children. The themed chapters have 7-10 activities and each activity has a list of skills the kids will work on, a simple materials list and step-by-step instructions for completing and getting the most out of the craft. Give that a whirl.

Then let the kindergarten teachers do their job... and they are good at it!

Hang in there. She'll be fine.

A.

Forcing your child to learn is not going to help at all. I strongly suggest you back off significantly. Let her hours in school be her formal learning time. Read to her nightly. But as for the rest... keep it more casual, rather than a formal lesson. E.g., if you are at the park, have her count the number of steps up onto the play structure, or the number of times you push her on the swing. If you are out in a store, ask her to find things of certain colors, or if you are driving, ask her to look for signs that have certain letters on them.

And please, try to adjust your attitude that your daughter is lazy and bratty. Your profile says you are widowed, and that means that your daughter lost her father when she was very, very young. She's been through a great trauma, and children's emotional issues often surface in indirect ways. Further, what kid who is in school several hours a day wants to then sit down and have more school at home? She's probably tired. And shouting at her until she learns is a perfect way to make her hate school and learning.

To answer your second question, my older son started trying to write some letters when he was around 3.5 or 4. Then again, he has a great deal of artistic talent and I think he saw it similar to drawing. He didn't go to any kind of formal preschool at all, and didn't read at all until kindergarten. He went to reading remediation in second grade and I freaked out. He is now a 4.0 student.

My younger son went to academically enriched family day care, and Montessori preschool, started kindergarten when he was 4, was reading and writing before kindergarten. He also has spent his life trying to keep up with his brother.

So you see there is lots of individual variation even in the same family, and an early struggle doesn't necessarily mean academic failure later in life. However, I do think pushing it can possibly cause your daughter to develop a bad attitude about learning, so please try to relax. Good luck.

Well my heart goes out to you as you have gone through so much. I don't know what kind of school your child is in, but this is entirely too much pressure on and unrealistic expectations of a 4 year old. Your daughter is not lazy, she is dealing with an impossible situation. At this age children can be expected to be focusing at "school" on social skills, listening to and being respectful of others, etc--all of which are big and huge and require a lot of intellectual concentration...they are also developing and refining gross and fine motor skills, honing pretend play, etc etc-all of which is crucial for preparing to do the kinds of academic work that will come later.. CHildren at this age should not be expected to read, or study subjects or do math other than what they are actually doing in their own play (which is really important work) or to memorize facts, or even to "pre-read". This really is setting up a lot of struggle between you and your dear daughter, and making her and her peers feel like failures which they are not! My daughters who are now in college and grad school at Berkeley and Stanford respectively and did not read until first grade, and my wonderful niece the second grade... Don't worry about your daughter, and talk to the teacher and tell her to let up too. I know this is all easier said than done when you are feeling alone, but I do urge you to get some support for creating a more realistic, age appropriate school situation for your child.

You just need to RELAX! Enjoy your daughter.... have some fun.... she is only 4! You are setting up a tense environment, and she is reacting to you. Try praise, not shouting. No wonder she is acting bratty. I would too!

I don't think your daughter is lazy, I think she's reacting to the stress your family has been under. Once she gets from you that it's no big deal, she'll come around quicker than you can imagine and start participating in the learning process.

Good luck! You're not alone!

Hi! I totally feel for your situation! Both my niece and a friend's son had this problem, both at home and at preschool. My friend (the mom) has some early childhood education background and knew that sometimes each child isn't ready and so they fight learning to some degree. Both sets of parents backed off and didn't press writing or learning for awhile and eventually, both kids came around on their own and were ready to learn in their own time. Forcing her to write or learn will just make her resent it and that's the last thing you want her to do. What you might do is try to make time for other things that she might not see as learning but are fun... are there any storytimes at the library that you can go to? Our library has them in the evening... and then you can get a bag of books and have fresh material. We recently figured out that our daughter loves to paint and hit Michael's, bought $20 bucks worth of both washable tempora paint, brushes and some wooden jewelry box type things for her to paint and all of a sudden our son, who was pretty anti writing or coloring (but he's not quite 3 yet), got into it, too! So we inadvertently found his "button" --- paint! And he will paint alongside her... not as long, but enough that his fine motor skills have improved! Maybe try a walk and sidewalk chalk pictures of flowers you find? That way you're exercising those fine motor skills and doing something she might not consider learning! And getting some quality time, too!!! Even if she's "writing" with paint, she's still writing!!! Let her try other types of crayons or markers to do her homework with, too. Good luck and have patience and FUN!!!

I agree with what a lot of the other mom's said, you do need to give yourself a break. All kids do things at their own pace. I also think you should try to see how she feels about her teacher. If she is having some real issues with the teacher, it might not be a bad idea to try to switch teachers. I would also give her a little time to adjust to pre-school. But at the same time, try to continue to work with her at home, but the minute it becomes a struggle you need to walk away and give her space. You can try buying her some "learning" toys to play with. I have also found that listing to all the "Little People" CD's in the car with my daughter have helped her to pick up on things (ABC's, counting, etc.). You also might want to talk with her pre-school teacher and find out what she is thinking.

Kids at that age learn best through play. I wonder if they are pushing the academics too hard and she's naturally resisting. I have to admit, I'm a Waldorf mom (although my kids were in public school from pre-k to 4th) and in Waldorf they teach through play in pre-k and kindergarten.

My youngest is still struggling from a stigma about handwriting that I believe was born out of being forced to do it before she was really ready. However, the social skills were invaluable. I guess what I'm getting at is if you push too hard, you may risk both her desire to learn and your relationship. Trust me, she will learn how to read and write in good time. Four years old, according to most childhood development standards (I took a wonderful class on the subject recently that really opened my eyes) is still pretty young for academics of any kind. If you are interested, there is a book called, "You Are Your Child's First Teacher," that gives ways for you to teach your young child through hands on experiential activities.

I've also heard of a number of people holding their children back a year before entering kindergarten or 1st grade as of late due to the changed standards that expect children to somehow be more able than before to do higher levels of academics sooner. I liken it to trying to force a 8 month old to walk when they are simply developmentally not ready. It only makes it harder for everyone involved. Many public school teachers (certainly all of the ones my daughters had) are frustrated by this "No Child Left Behind" that is leaving many children behind. More food for thought, and one of the major reasons we left public school.

Relax and have fun with her. The rest will come in due time!

Hi M.,
As a mother of two daughters who are now in 2nd grade and Kindgergarten, I can tell you I know what you are feeling. Neither one of my daughters really showed any excitement towards learning something, such as writing letters. We had tons of apprehension and arguing. I was really nervous about sending my first daughter to Kindergarten,she knew her ABC's and she could count pretty high, but she just barely could write her name. She was very social and enjoyed going to school, playing and doing art. Her coloring skills and drawing skills were way beyond anyone her age. They learn so much in Kindergarten, by the end of the year, she could read, write and do some math. It was great. She was right on track. She ended up being a great reader and loves to write stories!
My second daughter who just started K this year, wouldn't write her name for me. She knew shapes, colors and could recognize letters and knew sounds, but wouldn't write them. Even with buying all the workbooks. When she was 4 I had taken her out of preschool because we couldn't afford it, but she had been in since she was 2. I knew she could handle Kindergarten socially, because she too loved going to school. I tell you the first day, she had 5 papers that had her name that she wrote on it. Some were backwards, but it was great. Now its no big deal.
Some schools do assessments and if the children don't pass they have to attend a special Pre K class right before going into Kindergarten. Our school district didn't offer that. Both my daughters are totally fine.
I think your daughter will do fine as well. I think there are certain kids that DO NOT learn things from their parents. Homework with my 2nd grade daughter is still a fight. I think its just the nature of her personality. I wouldn't worry.
Have fun! And enjoy your daughter as a pre K'r while you can.
CB

I have found that a lot of parents think because their kids are smart they should be ready for kindergarten but their maturity level is really low. They may not be ready and that is ok. You can give your child the gift of an extra year in preschool. I would have her tested at a private school and see what they say. In my experience the public schools look at her birthday and say they are ready when they may not be. Every child is different and mature at different times. Do be so hard on yourself. You are doing all the right things. Good luck.

HI
Read "Hold onto your kids".I believe your daughter feels despondent because she's not feeing connected enough to you. I know you are working on surviving and it's a lot to figure out how to keep it all together but read that book.Also there is a whole belief system of education that says kids are ready to play at this age and learn thru their senses.....check out Waldorf education.Good luck!!
P.

I'm sooooo happy to read your update! I hope you will read my original response below, nonetheless, for some ideas and suggestions, but you have clearly received the two most important points I was hoping to make -- don't be so hard on yourself and significantly dial down the pressure on your daughter. With such a loving, attentive mom who is willing to listen to and incorporate feedback, I'm sure your daughter will thrive!

M.,
First off, please cut yourself some slack! Not only have you done the best you could given the circumstances (isn't that all any of us can do?), but also your daughter can sense how much you want something and then try to exert control by not doing it. The more pressure she feels from you, the less likely she is to do something -- kids that age love to find ways to feel like they're in control (don't we all?). My mother-in-law has a PhD concentrating on early childhood education and started and edits a scholarly journal on the subject. Current research shows that play-based, developmental learning (social skills, taking turns, motor skills, etc.) is far more effective than more academic preschools at preparing children for success down the road (and for building a love of learning). Pre-K is essential, but the role of pre-K is not teaching kids to read, etc. Many play-based schools do find ways to teach numbers, letters, and some writing. I would highly suggest trying out a Reggio Emelia or Montessori (different approaches that are both excellent) based school. Whatever you do, please stop with the flashcards! Kids learn at their own pace when they are ready. If your child is only learning to please you (or not learning in order to exert control), she will not develop the natural love of learning that comes from following her own sense of curiosity. I'm not sure what you think "preschool fundamentals" are, but I think your expectations are too high. Preschool needs to prepare children to learn in kindergarten. Key skills include listening, not being disruptive, taking turns, following directions, and using their imaginations. Yes, my son had learned his letters and numbers and could recognize and write his name by that age; however, not all of his classmates had. Your daughter still has plenty of time if you take all that pressure of yourself and, consequentally, her! My son loved his placemats -- one with letters and one with numbers. Each had pictures corresponding to the letters/numbers. You can buy something like this to put on the table, but let your daughter explore them on her own. Do not quiz her in any way, shape, or form. No matter how subtle you think you are being, she will see through it. My husband was late talking and reading, yet somehow he has managed to earn two Ivy League degrees. Where your four year-old is right now with her skills will not determine her success in life. Also, I don't have low academic expectations. I did my undergrad at Yale, and I know what it takes to get in to schools like that (though attending a fancy pants school *does not* ensure a joyful, fulfilling life, etc.), and I know that they do not ask anywhere on the application how old you were when you learned the alphabet. One thing the teachers at my son's preshool did was count during brief time outs. If a kid needed to take a break, the teacher might say, "You need to take a break for 30 seconds," and then count out loud to 30 in front of the child. The child would not perceive this as being taught. You can say things such as, "We can play in 20 seconds," and try the same thing. If your child really wants to play, she will pay attention waiting to hear the number 20. She may already know a lot of the things you think she doesn't but does not want you to know as that would be letting go of the control she thinks she has. Once she does not feel like there's a struggle, she will not feel the need for control. Please remember that applying pressure to a kid this age results in power struggles. It would be one thing if your child were biting the other kids. Not singing the ABCs is quite a different story. Also, consider switching out of an academic-based preschool if it's not too late. Too much pressure and she will lose the natural love of learning that children have. Frankly, at this point I think you need another trusted adult or older child to sing the ABCs with your child if you want her to learn. If you have already had shouting matches, etc., you need to take a break for several months and allow someone your daughter can perceive as just having fun take over. That adult (and eventually you) can find teachable moments (asking how many raisins your daughter wants and then counting them out when serving them; asking her how many raisins are left after she eats one and saying, "Oh, I see. So you had five raisins and ate one and now you have four!"). Use this technique sparingly so that it just seems like fun. It comes across as though you are learning, too, not teaching. Right now it sounds like your daughter is learning that "learning" is something she does to please you, not herself. She needs to develop internal motivation. I think the only real mistake you are making is taking away this opportunity by putting so much pressure on her. Btw, only three kids in his kindergarten class (in a private school with competitive admissions) can already read. Schools, both public and private, expect most kids to learn how to read in either kindergarten or early first grade. I find it impossible to believe that the majority of kids in your child's class are reading or writing anything beyond their names.

I am sure you are frustrated, but remember this. Kids learning to read in preschool and kindergarten are pretty modern concepts. Kids used to learn their letters in first grade. Your daughter will be fine.

Due to family health situations I didn't even attend kindergarten and had to take a remedial reading course in first grade. It only took two months for me and some of the other kids to catch up with the rest of the class. I think that if you just give her time it will all be fine.

BACK OFF!!!!!! She is only 4. She is NOT behind the other kids because she didn't go to preschool. It is more likely just her personality or ability.

If you start battling her now on this be prepared for a life of misery and constant battling. Let this be between her and her teachers, and just do normal stuff with her at home. Cook with her, talk to her, read to her, take her interesting places. LET THE TEACHERS DEAL WITH HER SCHOOLWORK! That's what they are being paid for.

I have three kids, and their scholastic styles and abilities have been in place since they were in preschools and haven't changed.

My oldest son always had to do things his way, and never tried very hard and was an underachiever. I battled with him a lot over his schoolwork. He is smart however, and was identified as a GATE (gifted and talented) student. He's now in college and I'm still waiting for his GATEness to emerge.

My daughter is pretty smart, and really wants her A's, so she works hard, and usually gets them.

My youngest son has always been the one at the front of the class, absorbing everything and doing everything the teacher wanted - the opposite of his brother. He effortlessly gets all A's, and he wants to get all his schoolwork done ahead of time.

In short, as teens they are all still the same as they were when they were in preschool, and very little of it was because of me and how much I did or did not battle them. If I had it to do all over again I would NOT battle my oldest child about his schoolwork. It never made a damn bit of difference. I would instead focus on having a happy home.

M. ~ First off, I would like to say that I am very sorry about your loss. I am sure that it has been a very difficult adjustment for both you and your daughter and I think that you should take that into consideration during this situation that you are going through with the PreK class. I personally think that you should not push her into the whole learning thing. I understand what you are saying about the laziness and the bratty behavior, BUT (I know I hate that word) I think the more that you push her, the more she is going to resist. I think that if you leave her alone, as she gets more comfortable in school and sees the other kids having fun she will want to join in. I also do not thing that you should let her be defiant though, and that there needs to be consequences when she is being willfully defiant. You need to set limits and boundaries, but I really think that the worst thing that could happen is that she starts school a year later, and really in the big picture, that is not a big deal. It kinda sounds like emotionally she may not be ready to start kindergarten anyways and if you do end up starting her they may want to keep her back - which also would not be the end of the world. Anyways, I hope that I have been a little bit of a help, and if you ever need to vent to someone, please feel free to contact me! Sometimes it is nice to vent to someone who has no idea who you are! LOL! Have a Great Day, and Good Luck!

Her pre-K teacher sounds like a real knucklehead to make such a remark about a youngster who won't be in Kindergarten for another year!! And, if your daughter barely talks to her it might be because she doesn't like her? Well, don't encourage this, she'll need to try to learn to get along with everyone, still... I'm amazed at a teacher's negativism and non-focus on the core items. Lots of people had good replies, esp. some of those teachers, so take those to heart. And especially do not stress about it. Your daughter will do just fine. Focus on any problems she may have though? Why does she take an "attitude" when she's at school. Maybe she really doesn't like the teacher. Happened to me when I was 5 and my parents changed me to a new teacher and all fell into place.

First M., let me say that you are being way to hard on yourself. If you were having issues with housing and basic needs, of course you focused on that - who wouldn't have? I have guardianship of my granddaughter. She came to me when she was four - now she's six. She had absolutely no daycare or preschool experience whatsoever. She didn't even know how to be away from home for the morning, let alone any of the academics! She could sing her alphabet and write her name and that was about it. She is now in first grade and I must say that I am amazed on a daily basis at the progress she's made over the last 18 months. When she came to me, she didn't recognize any of her letters other than the ones in her name. Your daughter will be fine in kindergarten. It's great for the kids who have had pre-K, they don't have to work as hard because they already have the concepts down, but the ones who don't have that experience catch on just fine and keep up with the others without a problem. You do have to make sure you reinforce the lessons by helping with homework and reading to your daughter daily is a great thing. Maybe when you read to her, you can point to the words as you read them - that way she can begin the process of word recognition and she won't even realize she's learning anything but she will be. I read to my granddaughter every night. Now when I read, she points to the words as I read and when she reads, I point to the words. Also, if I'm reading and she hears a phrase that catches her interest or she just likes the way it sounds, she will make a point of going back to that phrase when it's her turn to read and read it again just because she liked it. Your daughter may be "putting her foot down" so to speak because she doesn't like the pre-K - she wants to go to regular school. Don't push it. She will get it just fine once she starts kindergarten but she just doesn't want to play school, she wants to go to school. so much is made these days of preschool but it's truly not necessary. Don't let the pre-K teacher worry you with she won't be ready for kindergarten. All she has to do to be ready is be 5 years old. Hang in there and quit beating yourself up.

Whoa, Momma. Back up off the four year old. Development and learning happen at their own pace. You do not need to push. A kid this age doesn't need flash cards. You are making learning feel stressful and it need not be so. Stop worrying about where your kid is in relation to other kids, keep reading together and don't sweat it.

Well, it sounds to me like she has homework which is not accceptable at her age. I say back off cuz it also sounds like this is turning into a battle of the wills. And, to be blunt, so what if she's not ready for K at 5 when the state says she can go. Let her go to K when she's almost 6 which is a choice most parents are making now. We did that cuz we realized while our son was very ready academically, he wasn't ready emotionally & maturity-wise. Since the state has these God-awful tests, K has become much more academic meaning kids are expected to sit & learn more than we did in K. Most kids aren't ready for this at 5 yo. Take her grocery shopping w/you & have her find all the things on the list that start w/certain letters, buy some simple academic programs for the computer. Or if you really feel she should be doing some workbooks, then let her pick them out. But I think the big thing to remember, is it sounds like she's had a lot of change this year & she's trying to deal w/that. Is the teacher aware of this? If not, I'd be sure she was so she cna take this into account. Also, something serious to consider....why won't she talk the teacher? FYI, it's very rare to have a kid start reading in Pre-K....most kids are emergent readers by 3/4 thru to the end of the K year. And, yes, most people agree that Pre-K is helpful for K. It's mostly about being socially, emotionally & developmentally ready for K & should not be all about being academically ready. Again ease up a bit & I bet you'll see that she's more intersted in learning. Let her teacher know that you aren't going to push her cuz she should also know that when you push a child to do something, it almost always backfires. And if this teacher is still being pushy about the academic aspect, then your daughter is at the wrong preschool. Best of luck!