My 4 Year Old Son Tells Me His Pre-school Teacher Is Calling Him a Bad Boy

So much angst over a pre-school issue. I have a 20-year-old and a 5th grader, and you have a long long ways to go and rough road ahead if you're this upset over such a fixable issue. Talk to the teacher and tell her what your son said. Immediately. Do not stew over it! That is a waste of your time and energy and drains you mentally and emotionally. It's also doesn't warrant being furious. Save that for bigger things. I'm sure this teacher has dealt with LOTS of issues and can handle your concern and questions.If you don't like the answer, then switch schools.

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While I don't really agree with the term "bad boy" being used I do think that it is hard for a young child to give an accurate description of what took place. Not saying that your son isn't telling you the truth - I just mean that kids focus in on one thing and don't always see things as the way things really play out.

My suggestion is to ask the teacher if there have been any problems that you need to be made aware of. Tell her that you want your son to learn that sometimes he may have bad behavior but he is not a bad boy.

Also - I heard a teacher say once and I will remember this always...

"I will believe half of what your child tells me if you believe half of what your child tells you"

This goes for children of ALL ages. Kids need to learn that mom can't fix EVERYTHING and some years you will enjoy school and teachers more than other years.

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sorry that you had to move. that alone has to be hard. i wouldn't pull him out only because my fear would be that it teaches him the wrong thing. if you don't like someone right off the bat then, you quit, leave. in life he will have teachers and bosses co-workers that you don't like and you still have to deal with them. i know he is young and you want his first experience with school to be totally positive as it should be. i would call her and tell her your concerns and see how she reacts. you'll get a better feel for her from the call and then make your decision.

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First make sure he's not confusing truth and the imaginings in his head. My good friend and I have compared notes, and oh, the crazy things kids tell you at that age! Her son and mine (6 years apart, different preschools) made up very similar completely believeable sounding stories about being told they were bad and put in the corner.

That said, if there's any truth to it, the teacher doesn't sound like she has any knowledge of current ideas about child care and I would really have some questions about her abilities. Just make sure you don't overreact without knowing all the facts.

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Hi L.. I see the flurry of passionate responses, and every single one is valid. My mom has been a pre-school teacher for many years. I know she sees and HEARS everything (operative word to all you parents out there...your kids DO talk about what happens at home). The best approach I think you can take in a situation like this is to simply go to the teacher and ask her "My son tells me that you've said he's being a bad boy. What's he doing to warrent him being called this?" Plain and simple. Let her answer. Based on her answer (and whether or not you believe her) make your choice of sticking it out for a bit or finding another school. Good luck! I really hope it works out for you and your sweet boy.

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So much to say. First off, I run a day care home. I am in my 60's but knew 40 years ago not to call a child a bad boy or girl. She really has not excuse if she does, because we all go for training, etc. First variable is that your son, this is his first move, may be a child who does not take to change very well. All his life he will be challenged to live in the now and not in the rosy colored past and this is a really good time for him to begin to learn that lesson. After answering his questions about why can't we live in the brown house anymore, etc. a few times or once a day, say you won't anymore and he has to get used to the new home. Secondly, it is possible he is making it up, so just keep that in mind. Third, do not follow your knee jerk instinct to just pull him out, give yourself the experience of handling it in a mature manner. Tell her you would liketo talk to her and want to set up a time to do it. You will be able to tell by her reaction to this how defensive she is. ( You may be projecting your defensiveness onto her) If she is just, okay, then that might be the case. If she does get a little stiff then she might be the defensive type. Nonetheless, what you are to do is the same regardless of her reaction. You decide if you want to talk right then or wait until another day. When you go to talk to her do not resort to any kind of lecture or self flattering talk about how you never use those words and how terrible they are. Just simply say that Johnny tells me that you have called him a bad boy, what do you think about that? (Open ended questions, not those that accuse or can be answered with yes or no) If she admits to it, simply say "I have a problem with that, it makes me feel unsettled, would you please not use that phrase with him anymore?" Her actions, not her person is to be the focus, and dealing with it in a calm, adult way will bring out that part of her. If she admits to it, then you can trust your son to tell you if she does it again and if she does then take him out but please tell her why, for the sake of other children. On the other hand, if she denies it, it can go in a few different directions. She could deny it but seem to be lying, or she denies it but seems to feel the same way as you do about how inappropriate it is, or, worst case scenario,she lashes out at you. I also want to say that even if she has used that phrase it is not likely to be that damaging to his self-image by itself since he has an affirming family and culture. If she lashes out at you, maintain your cordiality and say that her words are inappropriate and unprofessional and then take him out of the pre-school. If she seems to be lying, follow your gut and take him out. If she also feels it is inappropriate and would never do it, then write us again, if your instincts are still telling you she is a phony.

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It can be a cultural or generational thing to use the term bad boy. I would suggest asking the teacher what your son did wrong, because he mentioned he was called a bad boy. If you use the guise of wanting to know what behavior caused the term, you'll seem like a concerned parent (checking on his behavior). Then you can use the opportunity to discuss your concerns and request she say "that was a bad thing to do or bad choice to make". My friend is a great mom and yet says "don't be a bad girl" to her daughter. I cringe a little, but in the conext of this loving home it's really okay. She grew up in another country and doesn't have the american concern and all with it.

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I would talk to his teacher. Ask her if there are any concerns with your son...perhaps anything that needs to be addressed at home, with him. Tell her you would like to start out the school year on a positive note and want to make sure that he is cooperating. See what her response is. Share your concerns with her. Personally, I would make sure the subject of "bad boy" comes up. I'm certainly not a perfect parent but there just are some things that we don't say in our home (i.e. "stupid", "dummy", "name calling" "shut up!", "bad boy/girl"...etc...) Tell the teacher just that! Personally, I have NO problem telling my children, " I don't like the way you are acting...."There will be consequences if you keep it up...." but BAD BOY.....nope! Sorry! You choose a school that offers the same respect and morals that you teach at home.

Your son, on the other hand, needs to give YOU information about why the teacher is calling him a "bad boy". I would tell him that "Those are words that I wouldn't choose at home but I'm more concerned about YOUR behavior at school and why those words are being used." That way, at this point, you are not undermining her authority. I do believe in giving the teacher the benefit of the doubt, however, there are a couple instances that they have proven me wrong. Time will tell if this is the right program for your son.

I have a rule in my home....my 10 year old and 13 year old abide by this because YES, they have lived the consequences in the past! I tell my kids..."if you do something wrong in school...YOU need to tell me....if I EVER hear it from a teacher or anyone else first, you will get grounded SO MUCH MORE severely!" It is amazing what they have told me. Very brave. The great thing is they have NO IDEA what the original punishment would have been, however, I truly am easier on them when I see they are wrestling with their conscience. Good luck.

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Hi!
Have you thought that maybe some of the other kids are role playing that in school? I had a boy in my home daycare that was in time out here and he would yell "Bad Boy" and the other kids have picked up on that too. It could be possible that he is hearing it from other kids. I can not remember ever saying that, but my son will even say that to another child when he is angry about something. Is your son being reprimanded there and doesn't like it?? I would give the teacher the benefit of the doubt and try and get some more info before pulling him out!

Good Luck!
L.

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I think you should talk to the teacher, I like the response that suggested just calmly saying that your son was upset and ask some simple questions, letting her tell you. I think you will get more information that way by not letting her know how upset you are and not giving her too much information so she can't back peddle. I think this conversation will tell you alot. If you don't like her reaction and explanation then your gut will tell you the rest.

If she is the only one running the school that is defiantly something to think about, there are other options. But no child needs to be in an environment that makes them feel bad about themselves. Yes, this is the beginning of the school years, more so why your son should not be treated that way so young. Damage to our little ones starts young and he will carry these type of experiences and you have every right to be bothered by it and make sure that his education is healthy. There are plenty of schools that foster a healthy encouraging atmosphere.

Good luck to you!! This is a big deal, if it upsets you then react calmly and do what you have to do to make sure you son is ok, especially if he is having a hard time adjusting.

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Talk to his teacher. Tell her that your son has been coming home from school upset and you want to know what is going on in class. Does the classroom have one of those windows you can look through? The classrooms in our church do for the preschoolers. That way parents can look in and see what is going on without their child knowing they are there. Do not mention to the teacher you will be observing but maybe try to look in from time to time to get a feel for their day. Kids say the darndest things whether you say them or not. They pick it up and mostly from places you would not expect - the mall, the park, the playground, the TV, movies, etc. Maybe another child in his class calls people bad boys. You know like the song for the COPS TV show?

I would talk to the teacher first before you blow it out of proportion.

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I think you are overreacting - maybe go talk to the teacher but put it into perspective and remove the emotion before you do. Your little one is probably more upset right now about moving and missing familiar surroundings and it's a little unfair to put this all on his new teachers shoulders. I'm not saying I agree with her calling him a bad boy, especially, if it's becoming a regular occurence as we all like positive reinforcement not negative. Just tell her this in a constructive manner. Give the poor woman a chance too.

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You need to speak with the teacher first and foremost, but if you're still not happy move on. There are so many great preschools out there why not find one you and your son love. I know this first hand because we removed my school after months of handwringing from a rigid environment (where he may have been perceived as a bad boy) to a more open, nuturing one in which he has thrived. He was the first one in the class for his first day this year. Not mention our family adores the school and can't wait to send our little one. Good luck!

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I know at this point you have more advice than you probably need. I just wanted to say that no one has the right to tell you that you're overreacting, or that your feelings aren't warranted because he's 4 and this is a "preschool issue". It's YOUR child, YOUR feelings, and YOU ARE his protector. If you have a feeling something is'nt right, then check into it. We don't have mothers intuition for nothing. I say talk to the teacher and if you don't like what she's saying, remove your son from that environment. It's your son, and being his mom no one else knows him like you do.

I hate when people tell us as mothers we're overreacting. You came here for advice, not to get beat up.

Let us know how it goes.
Good Luck!
L.

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I would probably discuss with the teacher. And now that you are here in the area..I would look around for a new preschool..especially if you are looking for a different type of teacher. There are SO many to choose from! Don't know what town you are in, but we use the Bloomingdale Park District preschool, and I adored my daughters teacher for 3 and 4 year..young, fun, but still had control over the kids and made sure they were doing what they needed to do. I for sure would look around

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Trust your gut. It will never let you down. If something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. In my experience, 4-year-olds do not lie about stuff like that. I would be furious too. I think you should find another preschool for your little guy. Good luck.

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4 year olds are very manipulative at times and that is developmentally the exact age they make up things and lie. Having been a preschool teacher for 15 years anything is possible. However, that being said, you need to trust your instinct, that's why we have it. If you are uncomfortable with the teacher, GET HIM OUT. There is really nothing else to it. Good luck and hope he has a MUCH MUCH better experience in the future.

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What an unfortunate situation. I do think you should ask the teacher about it befoer you make any drastic moves. I would approach her non confrontationally (even though this is really hard) and say "My son told me that he was being a bad boy to you at school but couldn't elaborate. Could you tell me why he thinks he was a bad boy?" This way she'll be able to tell you if there was an actual behavior problem. If she gives you the reason, you can tell her - "We are very uncomfortable with you telling him he's a bad boy, because he is coming home sad. We prefer .... While she may lie, her reactions to all of this will tell you whether it is worthwhile to keep him in the program or not or whether you should pull him.

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Either before or after class, via email or whatever, ask her about that day. Don't accuse her, Ask what happened on Tuesday, because my son came home really upset, wanted to check in with you and see. Go from there, let her know if its not brought up that he was called a bad boy, and you teach words have power, and although he may have made Bad choices you & your husband don't use those types of labels. Even give an example, you would Never allow your son to call her a bad teacher, so you ask that it not happen in the future. Being you are a sahm you can always pull him until you find a Better fit. I pulled mine, after asking the teacher to not do certain things, and requesting that the kids learn, as she promised they would before I put them in the class. Empower yourself as a Mommy, you have a right to ask questions, and you should Always feel comfortable going to the teacher or person you or your child have an issue with, not going to the person above them. Because in case there was a misunderstanding things don't get blown out of proportion when you call the superior.
Good luck, hope all my rambling makes sense.

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Hi L.,

My children are adults now but what I learned from many years of daycare and preschools was to trust my instincts and the child's reactions. The trust relationship is already broken by what your son said has happened. We are fortunate to be in area where we have lots of choices. In this group, I am sure there are lots of moms in this group who can give great preschool recommendations. I would pull out. I had to pull one of my children out of a public high school in junior year, because it just wasn't working for her. I had to put her in an extremely small school with a high price tag. It restored her confidence and self-esteem, and she went on to graduate from college with honors and then go on and get a masters. The right school for a child is crucial.

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I think you're totally justified in your feelings. That is not a nice term, or phrase, to use to a child, especially if it's not something that is said in your house. I would have a friendly talk with the teacher because I don't think she's saying it to be mean, it's just a different way of dealing with kids - but it's not acceptable to you and that means something. I know that I would feel the same way and discuss my views with her.

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I say talk to the teacher. If she's a good teacher then she will accept your concerns and will explain what actually happens around there. Like another mom mentioned, kids have selective hearing and it might not be anything bad. What they hear and what actually is said might be completely different. They just make it bad because they might not like what they are hearing because they don't want to stop playing, they don't want to start cleaning up right now. The possibilities are endless. If she takes offense to your questions, then watch it closely, drop in on them during the day unexpected. If you see a negative situation, then move him. When we first moved to our home I had my 2 year old son at an "at home daycare". My son loved the assistants but when I asked him about the main caregiver, he never wanted to say anything. He would just say he doesn't like her too much. I approached the teacher to get her thoughts and she said she didn't realize anything negative was happening. I still watched and my son still wasn't crazy about her. He couldn't say enough nice things about the assistants though. One day he took a new toy there and showed it to the main caregiver when we walked in and her initial response was very negative. It was quick and not so nice then she went back to her normal self. That's all it took for my son and he no longer wanted to stay there. I left him there but I started looking around for a different place and he was moved shortly there after. He flourished in the next place. Like I said approach the teacher and get her thoughts. Then continue to keep an eye on everything. If you're instincts tell you to move your son after a while, then move him. Good luck!

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Kids become what they are told they are.

Talk to the teacher first and then her supervisor...fast.

Don't let this go on...even if you find a new place to go he'll still carry this with him.

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I def. DO NOT think you are overreacting! I would def. go in and talk to the teacher. Tell her what you son said and tell her that you do not in any way approve of her saying that to him and that it is very wrong to do so. If things do not improve I would with out a doubt find a new school/classroom. That is just not acceptable teacher behavior!

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In my opinion the teacher calling your son a bad boy is horrible. You need to find out why she is telling your son he is a bad boy? Perhaps her teaching is different than teaching styles are today. When I was in school we got hit with rulers over the knuckles by the nuns today things are different.
My son goes to Kindercare and when he transitioned from the 3's to the 4's classroom it was a major ordeal. He too loved his teacher in the 3's. He did not like his teacher in the 4's and actually I did not care for her too much either. After thinking about it I decided that I did not like all my teachers and my son probably would not like all his teachers either. I decided that he should figure it out early and kept him in the class he was in. Over time he calmed down and now understands that he doesn't have to like all his teachers, he can have favorites but he needs to listen to all of them. Again find out why this teacher would call you son a bad boy and perhaps explain to her that you do not want that said to him and perhpas come up with a different phrase for her to use. Don't you wish raising kids came with a manual for all our questions.

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This seems like an easy decision to me. Take him out of preschool until you find one that fits his and your needs better. Surely in the next few weeks/months you will meet more people and find another. Preschool isn't mandatory, especially when it isn't meeting your needs.

J.

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L.,

I completely agree with M R. Reread her response again.

My stepmother was taking care of my kids and I found out she was using that phrase with my 3 year old. That isn't something that we say but I do know that it is a generational thing. I calmly explained that we don't tell our children that they are "bad" simply that we aren't happy with their behavior. She admitted that she hadn't looked at it this way and apologized.

You need to look at both sides of it and calmly talk to the teacher.

Good luck!

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I would ask the teacher about what he said. Just mention that your son told you that she called him a "bad boy" and it upset him and see what she says. If it is that bad, I would try to find a new preschool. Not sure where you are but the one through Hampshire Park District is awesome! My daughter went there for 2 years and all of the teachers were great. I will even be sending my second there. If there is room, they would let your son in.

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I understand wanting to take your child out of the school. I think you're right about the checks and balances -- I think you need more than one person calling the shots. That said, do you know if you can remove him from school and not owe any money? At my son's preschool once you commit to the year you are charged the full amount with no refund (they will make exceptions on a case by case basis -- like financial hardship or moving away) because removing a child doesn't remove the cost they incur.

I think first you should ask the teacher if you can observe. Ask about dropping by during the day unannounced -- if you are allowed to do that or not. She should have some method to allow observations. Then talk to your son that night and see if he thinks she behaved differently that day. Questions like Was Mrs. J nicer to you today? Did you have a better day? Maybe you will get a better idea of what you like/don't like and then can talk to her about YOUR observations that way she isn't in a he said/she said with your child. I agree that your son probably isn't making it up. He may be misunderstanding what she means. My son came home from preschool yesterday and said "I was a bad boy today." I asked more about it and it turned out he had kicked a door because he was mad that I made him go to school when he wanted to go somewhere else. He labeled himself a "bad boy" because he was talked to about respecting property. I don't use that phrase either. Your son may have picked it up from another kid. I know my son's teachers do not use it because when I observed there prior to enrolling him a teacher corrected a child who called another child "bad". The teacher said "We can make a bad choice, but no one is bad."

If you do decide to change schools, go to http://www.pacesmoms.com and find info on their preschool forum or the book they publish on area preschools. It costs $5, I think and can be bought at certain Barnes & Nobles and some libraries.

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I see you already have a ton of responses. I am sure that moving so frequently is a tad bit stressful for your son.

While this behavior might be manipulative, it might also be real. Why don't you ask the teacher how things have been going, how his behavior has been. Give her the chance to tell you if things are bad. If she says nothing is wrong, ask your son what he did that caused her to say that. That way if he is being bad he must admit why- and if not, maybe he won't know what to say.

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that would piss me off, too and you have every right to be angry! i was initially going to suggest that you talk to the director, but i guess that's not an option. i would talk to her directly and see what she says. after working in different preschools (shoot me an email if you'd like more info on either of them) i find that to be totally unacceptable!

i'd recommend you join npn (northside parents network--npnparents.org). they do lots of great things for parents including compiling all of the information out there about schools (preschools, elementary, maybe even high schools) into a book so it's a lot less intimidating. it's $40 a year to join, but there are discussion boards where you can ask questions about programs, etc and it's really helpful.

also, if you're a sahm, i'd almost say that if you talk to the director and she's not receptive, that you pull him. you don't want his early school experieces to be negative ones--especially if he's had good times before--it'd be terrible if all of that good work was undone!

let me know if you need any assitance!!

--B.

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It is never, ever okay to tell a child that they are bad. They might do things that aren't good choices but you also have to recognize their good qualities too. A bad choice doesn't make a child bad.
It makes sense to ask the teacher what's going on. There should always be a system of accountability anywhere you go. You will probably be able to tell by her reaction if she is telling the truth or not. But, like you said, since there is no one else to support her answer it would make me question her as well.

Is it DCFS licensed? 25 years doesn't mean as much as it used to. Is she still good at what she does? Is she using the same old methods and curriculum as before? Things have changed in the education field.

If worse comes to worse, check out Marley Church Preschool. I think there is even a parent rating for it on mamasource. Good Luck!

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I just wanted to let you know I have experienced something similar. My son came home from kindergarten telling me the teacher called some of the kids "bad". Even though he wasn't one of them he had never heard that and it made him feel very sad and confused. I was shocked that teachers in this day and age would resort to such negative labeling, and I did ask the teacher about it when I saw her. I didn't confront her but I told her it disturbed my son, etc. Yes she was slightly defensive, but too bad. I revealed that she went from teaching 8th grade to kindergarten, which I think was part of the problem. I never did like her, and felt often that she blamed the kids for her own inadequacies as a teacher. However, I toughed out that year because I felt lucky to be in the school we got in and, in fact, mostly it was a great experience.
Your child will inevitably have teachers they don't like or you don't like throughout the course of his childhood-that is part of life. But you also have every right to bring any concerns you have to the fore. And you must.
I don't know if I would feel comfortable with a school where there is one teacher who is her own boss unless I just adored her. I would find out for sure if she "answers" to anybody. Also, yes all that moving must be hard for your child. You might want to think about settling down for the long haul in order for him to put down roots and develop a good relationship with school, friends, etc. I think some children would do better then others in that situation but it would be challenging across the board.

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The first thing to do is to get into the preschool, check things out and talk to the teacher. Maybe there is some explanation. Tell her in a straightforward manner that your son is not happy, what are you seeing from my son at school and is it possible that someone has been calling him a bad boy (and if so, I have real concerns about that etc etc).
I suspect that you will not be satisfied after this. So I advise you to follow your gut and take your son out asap. I don't know what area you moved into but I'm sure there must be better options: a preschool with oversight, a staff of several teachers to chose from... etc. I've seen moms use this website to gather that kind of info.
The fact that your family has moved so much, to my mind, is even more of a reason to be very proactive here. Your son deserves support and kindness and loving attention in preschool. Good luck!

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It looks like you have received lots of great advice. I am a teacher myself and worked with quite a few preschools in the past. I find any teacher to call a child bad boy appalling. I agree with many comments about her age being a key to her word choice. I have worked with teachers from older generations and they tend to be a little more aggressive at times. My mom has been teaching for the last 30 years and would never say that to a student, but she does agree that some of her older pears might do that. I would talk to the teacher, but warn you that she may be set in her ways and not listen. Try not to be too disappointed if she does not seem to care. Your child is young, so you can pull him out and find another preschool in your area. I am so sorry that you have to deal with this, I worked with a teacher that called a child stupid, and he did not seem to care when I told him that it was absolutely uncalled for and wrong. I was just a volunteer and in college at the time, the Principal even ignored me and said that it was his teaching style. Always follow your instincts as a parent, a really bad teacher can make a child hate school. I wish you luck.

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Hi. I would talk to the head of the program, find out for sure. Check her references. Children are usually telling the truth. Trust your instincts!!!

Hi L.,

Pull him out of that school. No adult should be speaking to a child like that. I also had the same problem with my son. It was a neighbor's ffiend and she had been teaching a long time. I later found out it had happened to several other children and they removed the kids. I also found out she is still teaching. It is unfortunate that someone like that is allowed to continue teaching. You need to research some other schools. Preschool should be fun and this is not a good first impression.