My 4 Year Old Has a Mean Tone And/or Responds Saying the Opposite!

My almost-always-polite 5 yo grandson occasionally experiments with tone of voice or body language that is less than lovely. Sometimes kids pick this up from other children, videos, etc. Sometimes it's the parents themselves that teach sarcasm, irritation, impatience and bossiness (it's SO hard to hear ourselves as others hear us!). But, whatever the source, it's an experiment, and may also be a legitimate expression of frustration or anger.

Consider what needs your son might be trying to express when he speaks this way. Has his day been overscheduled? Is he tired or hungry? When my GS comes across this way, I usually smile, look him in the eye, and ask him gently to "try that again, please!" He comes through like a champ. And then I address whatever issues/needs he may be expressing.

It also helps to notice out loud when he's using a polite voice. Kids love to be acknowledged when they're making an effort, and usually respond by doing more of it.

Keep pounding the "try that again" bit, since it seems to be working. When it stops working, plant a chair in a very boring part of the house (within your view) and have her sit on it until she can speak with a polite tone and polite words.

My youngest had a horrible whining problem and we would start with, "I'm so sorry. I can't hear you when you whine, what did you say?" When that stopped working, we would send him to his room (all toys lived in another room, so it was a fairly boring spot and safe) until he could speak appropriately. There were days when he'd spend much of the day in his room because he couldn't speak properly. If he pitched a temper tantrum, it was just fine for him to cry and scream...in his room.

In conjunction with this, take a moment to reflect on the tone and words you use. Are you modeling the correct behavior? I'm not saying you aren't, but sometimes we don't always assess how we sound to others.

My last idea would be goody tickets. Every time your daughter behaves correctly, she earns a goody ticket. Goody tickets are cashed in for privileges, such as play dates, a treat out while shopping, tv/electronics time, etc. No goody tickets equals no fun. No good behavior equals no goody tickets. She'll catch on and when it's a habit the goody tickets get shifted to the next behavior that needs modification.

Hope this helps. Hang in there and stick to your guns. If you don't nip this in the bud, it will only get worse. I teach high school and I can tell you within 30 seconds if parents have taught their kids how to speak respectfully. And if parents haven't, I do...and it isn't always pretty. It's much easier to retrain 4 year olds than 16 year olds!

Good luck!

I imply no disrespect but it does sound as if she is modeling someone elses responses or behaviors----possibly a TV character, Computer Character or close family relation.

I think you're on the right track with the "try that again." It really does seem to work with my 4 year old son. If he starts to get whiny or demanding, I try to very calmly let him know that if he can be a little nicer in the way he talks to me, we will try to work it out. If he continues to be disrespectful, the answer will still be know.

I think it's important to remember that this behavior is completely normal at this age. It's still our jobs to teach proper behavior, but it's good to know that most kids will do this.

My daughter tried that at around 3 a few times when she started daycare. You have to nip it like any other serious behavior that you don't want to escalate. This one is especially important and very hard to break if it becomes a habit, especially since all the other kids are doing it. Don't worry, if you're firm and clear every time, by explaining exactly WHAT shes doing, and what will happen if she does it again, and following through, she will stop. First you force her, then it becomes natural for her. At 5 my daughter would not in a million years speak rudely to anyone, it's totally not her nature, but it could have become a habit if not seriously nipped. She did get out a few shockingly curt phrases in order to learn what the results would be. My son was easier because he saw it enforced with big sis and realized no one in the house speaks rudely to each other. They also recognize it when other kids do it, and are put off, which will be good in having them pick nice friends later. I overhear her doing it while "pretending" with her dolls, which is so cute, because she knows it's not allowed in real life. There are excellent tips regarding specifically attitude, tone and this type of defiance and how to enforce better reactions from your daughter positively as well as firmly in this book:
www.backtobasicsdiscipline.com

If she is modeling behavior she picked up on from a friend, TV show, etc. then "try that again" may eventually work. I noticed when my son started preschool each year, got a new friend for playdates, and then started kindergarten he brought home some bad behaviors. I am very involved with his schools so I was able to see where he was picking up the behavior. Then, I would tell him, after a "try that again" or a time-out for very rude behavior, that I noticed at school or a play date that one of his friends behaved that way. IF the kid got in trouble (and my son knew about it) for the behavior I would tell him it wasn't acceptable for his friend and it is not acceptable for him. If the kid didn't get in trouble (or my son was not aware of it) I would just tell him that I know he has seen other kids behaving that way, but in our family we don't act that way. Now he is at the point that he understands that he cannot correct other people's behavior at school, but he can behave good himself. (Not that he's an angel, but he is a good kid).

I have found that at this age, when you make a big deal out of something, the tendency for kids who are exploring their boundaries is to do it more. It can quickly turn into a battlefield. It can also be a way kids get attention. And THAT is the biggest currency for kids this age - attention. I also think you're on the right track with "try that again." I think that the best way to curb her initial desire to snap back is not to respond to it when she does. It will take awhile, but when she realizes that she doesn't get the desired result unless she is nice, she will start being nice. Maybe you could also give her a little more attention when she responds nicely - give her a hug & and kiss tell her you appreciate how sweetly she is speaking. Or tell her that since she's being so sweet, you'd like to play her favorite game with her. That teaches her that when we're nice, people want to be around her & talk to her. When we're not nice, it doesn't.

By the way - this is a very normal way for kids at this age to test their limits. It can be irritating, but there are much worse ways! Be grateful it's just a bad tone. ;o) Good luck!