T., I've never been one to ascribe to "the latest fad" solution for whatever. And I don't believe herbal remedies or holistics are a panacea either. There is definitely a place for these but they should be approached with full awareness. And some herbal remedies can not only not help but actually make certain conditions worse. In all medical matters, lean on your doctor's expertise. (S)He is your best ally in healthcare. Discuss any proposed herbal or holistic treatments with him or her. Understand the side effects and any other ramifications before using any non-FDA controlled and certified treatments. And child rearing is never so easy as saying, "I'm the boss. You do what I say. Period." Children are not our property, they are our responsibility. We don't own them but rather they are entrusted to us to care for, nurture and train.
Now, as for you son, specifically ... you say his grandfather and grt-grandfather had anger management problems. As others have already mentioned, this is likely not a genetically inherited condition so much as it is a combination of learned behavior and a certain predisposition. (Despite the fact that Dr. House doesn't believe in co-incidences sometimes they do occur -- more often than most of us realize.) You don't say whether you have brothers who might also have anger management issues but, in your son's case, he may well have a predisposition toward a hot temper. That does not mean that he will grow up to be a volatile spouse abuser. What's differnt between your son and your father? YOU! You have recognized his proclivity toward an explosive temper and you are now better armed than your grandmother or grt-grandmother might have been to teach their sons.
Your little one sounds as though he is quite intelligent. He WANTED to hit you when he got angry but he reined himself in and, when you called him on it, he readily verbalized his feelings. Four year olds generally do have a difficult time expressing their feelings. That is why they resort to physical expressions like hitting or throwing things. Your son is already ahead of the curve because he has recognized that this is not acceptable behavior.
Sometime when he is not angry and you are both calm, pull him close and talk to him about his anger and his most recent tantrum. Encourage him to talk about his feelings. "You know, this morning when you were so mad and you wanted to hit me? You know that's wrong, don't you? I know you sometimes get angry. That's okay. Everybody gets angry sometimes, even Mommy. And sometimes you get so mad you just don't know what to do, don't you? That's hard, isn't it?"
Keep your voice soothing and inviting so that he will not feel as though you are judging or blaming him. Be sure to let him know that anger is natural. And make him understand that it is important to learn how to deal with that anger. Invite him to work with you to find a better way of coping with his anger. Tell him it is okay to just tell you, "I am so angry right now I just want to hit you."
Assure him that you understand and, if he tells you he is angry, the two of you will be better able to talk about what is making him so angry, what you may have done to make him angry, and what the two of you, together, can do to change the situation.
It is important to validate his anger instead of punishing him for being angry. Let him feel comfortable in being angry so that he can accept it as well.
Don't make him feel like he is 'bad' for acting out, but ask him to help you find solutions.
"Well, we can't be breaking things or hurting people just because you get mad. So, what do you think we should do to help you get over being angry and remember not to do things like that (breaking/throwing/hurting as a means of expressing anger).
And when you do see he is getting angry, call him on it. "You're getting really angry again, aren't you? What do you think we should do?"
Find harmless avenues to vent his anger. (My grandson is older than you little one but, when he gets volatilely angry, my son gives him a loaded paint ball gun... harmless but BOY! does it relieve the stress and anger!) You might consider keeping water bomb balloons around and, when your little one gets REALLY angry, fill up a couple dozen and the two of you can go outside and have at it playing 'dodge bomb'! Not only will it relieve his anger, it will relieve your stress over the situation, and the two of you will be sharing some wonderful together time. Find other stress relievers. And allow him to offer solutions to the problems. They may not be viable but it will help him to get his anger
Remember: when children do things they ought not, they are not being bad, they just need to learn the right way. We are their teachers, not their wardens. Punishment should be reserved for the seventeen year old who deliberately does something he knows is wrong and for which he knows he will be subjected to retribution for his "crime". And even then we like to think of 17 y/o as being 'grown up' but they are still going through a learning process, too. They are still kids, even though they look like adults in many ways. *sigh* Parenting is not for sissies!
Good luck
