My 3Yr Old Gets Hit at School

Hi C.,
As a preschool teacher myself, I know how hard it is to always catch these behaviors beforehand. I try to help the child by helping him to use his strong words, "Don't hit me!" Looking at the aggressor and saying it loudly. Sometimes the children being hit will whine or cry (not to blame them!), but that kind of reaction can sometimes invite more hitting. Kids LOVE to get a response like that! Helping a child to handle the conflict (with adult support) will help him build up his courage and hopefully make the other child realize the impact of his behavior. Good luck......kids can be brutal!

1 mom found this helpful

If her child comes to play at your house, you could try to instill some manners while he's there. He's young enough it might have a positive effect. Otherwise I would tell the mother that her child can no longer play with yours until he learns how to be nice and see if there is a way to try to separate them at least a little at school. If worse comes to worse I guess you could also tell the child that hitting is not ok if you observe the behavior toward your child. If mom gets upset you tell her that someone has to dicipline the child and no matter what she thinks hitting is not ok. This would be a last resort after everything else has failed.

It's not okay. The Mom is in denial.

A kid was doing this to my daughter everyday- it bothered my daughter a great deal, it wasn't "fun" for her, she couldn't stand it and it made her upset. Sure, my girl told the kid verbally to STOP and she would try and avoid the kid, but the kid kept doing it and thought it was a "joke." No, it's not. I told her teacher, told the Mom, and along with the school Counselor... they handled it. THEN, the Teacher spoke to the whole class about the rule of NO HITTING... for no reason. Then they followed-up with me and it was handled satisfactorily.
My daughter's school has a zero-tolerance rule about "Bullying." (she is in 1st grade)
It is enforced.

When my daughter was in Preschool, this happened as well among other kids. Some of these kids were "habitual" hitters. It's NOT fun for the Parents of the children being hit. Anyway, the Preschool Teacher & Director spoke to the Parent... if the kid kept it up... and the Parents did nothing to assist in it, and their child continued to HURT other children, the child was NOT allowed to come back to the school. One of these "bullies" was kicked-out for this reason, and the Parents were just as incorrigible. And believe me, ALL the other Parents were HAPPY when this child was kicked-out. This kid made it very unpleasant for ALL the rest of the kids, including the very patient Teacher.

Don't worry about that you see them everyday... NO child should be hitting your child. Your child also has to "see" that their Parent is being a good "role model" for them..... and correcting any harmful behavior....otherwise, in important/hurtful situations...a child may not feel that their Parent will "believe" them, nor do anything about it and their getting hurt...leaving the child to either "act-out" or to feel apathetic.

Good luck,
Susan

Same thing happened with my three year old that is in pre-k (all 4 year olds) for a while. My solution: I told him to hit back and hit harder. Yeah, I know it sounds 'wrong'...but I had him be the bully for a couple of weeks....lo and behold, no more hitting from the kids. I did, however, make sure to tell him to not initiate it, but if hit, to reciprocate with double the force. He would tell me about little scuffles for about a week, but after that, it quieted down. Like I said, after about two weeks, I told him to start talking more to the teacher and now he rarely has an incidence...but if he does, he hits back and mentions it to the teacher. Good thing the teacher is on my side and is of the same mentality as myself (hit back if hit).

Hope that helps.
L.

I would go to the kid as a last resort. Talk to the teacher about taking away priveleges from the child.

Yes, it's true that kids will be kids and some will hit or get hit. But for the Mom to not step in and discipline her child for hitting others....that's ridiculous! And it's true that the teachers/school are responsible for keeping kids safe at school. But this really stems from what he is being taught or not taught at home. Other than kicking the kid out of the school, I think the school can only do so much. And they have already talked to the parents. So the only other thing they can do is keep bringing the parent in for talks or kick the kid out. I would also bet that this child is hitting other children as well, not just yours. So hopefully the school is staying on top of it. But really, it comes down to the parent.

I don't allow my kids to hit others....BUT....they are allowed to defend themselves if the offense occurs repeatedly. My kids are pretty good at it too. They usually let someone push, or hit, or grab toys from them twice. Then on third offense, my kids will push or hit back, or grab the toy back. I feel that they gave the kid 2 chances, and on the third offense, they have the right to defend themselves. My son is 3.5 and my daughter is 1.5. I see this happen at the park a lot. After each situation, I always pull my kids away and talk to them about how the other person was wrong for hitting, pushing, etc. And that they have the right to defend themselves, but that they are not allowed to hit, push, etc. just because they want to.

I would bet that if your son actually hits the other boy back once or twice, the other boy will realize that he won't be getting away with his bullying and will stop.

Hi C., I am responding to your request because I am a survivor of childhood bullying. It wasn't while I was in school but it was by a little girl I played with; our moms were good friends and we lived right next to each other. She was a very dominating child just like her mother. Her mother was also controlling and sometimes abusive towards her. My little girlfriend acted out her aggression and anger on me and other little kids who were quiet, timid and shy. Surprisingly over 20 years later were a very close friends, our daughters now play together, and they get along great! I guess what I'm trying to say is so kids are just mean either because that's how god made them or they are just acting out what they see at home. I'll bet it has to do with the child's home life. Maybe if you try talking to the child in a motherly voice and explain why hitting isn't nice then maybe you could get through. I don't know, I've only experienced this in the eyes of a child and never had to face it as a parent. I do wish you, your child and the other child luck. :)

Hi C., if this was at I would tell you to tell your son to hit him back, I know a lot of people don't agree with that, sometimes i'm on the fence with that, but at school it is different, the teacher's are responsible for making and keeping school safe for all students, I know you said they can only do so much, let me tell you what I have seen at school, especially pre schools and kendergarten clases, the kids are outside playing and the teachers are talking among them selves, so they don't see what is going on, if the teachers are aware of this problem, and nothing changes then you talk to the principle, at home tell him to hit him back, I didn't really feel this way until my daughter was punched in the nose at preschool because a little boy wanted the tricycle her was riding, the teachers were not paying attention, they were talking among themselves while the kids were playing. J. L.

I have exclusion issues with my 4-year old daughter and a couple of neighbor girls. They are sisters and come over to our house for playdates, play with all of my daughter's toys and tell her that she can't play with them. They are little kids but boy, when I see them doing this, it makes my blood boil. I've actually stepped in a couple of times and calmly as I can explain to them that the rule is that we all play together and if they don't want to play with my daughter, they can go home right now. This usually gets them to behave well for another couple of minutes at least.

My problem has been that my daughter considers them friends although they are not always friendly with her, and she is aware of this fact. What I have been doing lately is trying to give my daughter the skills to navigate this situation for herself. I tell her things like, "If (name) is not acting nice to you, you don't have to play with her. You can walk away and play with someone else," "If (name) tells you that you cannot play with them, maybe they are not your friend because friends play together," "It is always good to have lots of friends," and "If someone hurts your feelings, it is okay to tell them so and tell them that they need to apologize."

I know it sucks that some mom's just don't get the concept of the Golden Rule but life is not always as it should be. In addition to standing up and defending our children, I think that we also need to teach them how to be strong, how to talk - not hit, and how to defend themselves verbally and cognitively if a friend is not acting very friendly.

I wish you the best and will keep my fingers crossed for you.

Does your school do the three strikes your out? I have heard of kids getting kicked out of pre school. Especially for this kind of behavior. J.

You may have to take your own actions and change schools. I wish we could force people to see our views, but some are just not that way. If she is not willing to help you can't do much. If he get's consequences at school that may help, and if he is breaking the rule at school, they can ask her to remove her son. But it seems like you will need to take your actions that are best for your son, if she isn't mature enough to assist.
Good luck,
E.

Dear Collette,
Usually pre-schools have a policy about kids who hit and bite. It they do it so many times they will be asked to go to another pre-school. You should ask your pre-school about their policy because you have some serious concerns about the safety of your child. If parents don't complain... changes in unwanted behaviors will not change. I am not advocating that you become a major thorn in their side, but you do need to advocate for your child and the safety of the others in the class. If the school does not have a policy for hitters/biters then perhaps you should find a school that does.
Thanks,
J.

The teachers need to tell her she can no longer bring her son there if he continues to hit. Go to the school and demand that they tell her that or else you will turn them in to the state.

Hi
This also happened to my son at playgroup. I was friend's with the hitter's mom, so that was difficult. I taught my son to loudly say "NO HITTING" at the offender. This usually stopped the behaviour. I also told my son that if his friend can't play nicely to tell him "I don't want to play with you when you hit".
Good luck

Hi Collete -
We had this same problem at my son's school for a little while (he was three). What we did to resolve the issue was to tell the teacher and the head of the school that if they did not find a way to make the hitting stop that we would teach our son to hit back in defense... I presented this to them very calmly and matter-of-fact, but clearly.

We feel that it is okay to defend oneself, but that initiating the hitting is not okay. If it comes down to it, one really good hit from your son, in defense of himself, will put a stop to the other kid's aggression and your son will feel confident in standing up for himself if needed.

It's not a fun thing to deal with, but should work. Good luck to you... L.

I strongly suggest that you be the one to talk to the neighbor boy and let him know that this is not allowed (hitting anyone, and especially your son). If the mom will not do anything, then it is up to you to be your child's advocate and protector and to do something about the situation. Be clear with the boy and offer up a consequence (such as he cannot play with your son if he hits him again, or something like that).

The school should be handling this - it is ther job to keep your child safe while he is under their care. As far as playing at home, perhaps ou can ask your son why he wants to play with a boy who hits him. Maybe your son will decide he doesn't want to play with him after all, and you can tell the boy's mother why your son won't play with her son anymore.