My 3 Year Old Is Suddenly Afraid of the Dark and Sleeping in Her Room!

Can you change to a dimmer switch in the bedroom? Then you can keep from turning it up all the way and at night rather than turn it off, just bring down a little more each evening. That's just my thought. Or, if the light fixture has multiple bulbs take one out.

You know you're little girl better than anyone. You're a wonderful mom.

I'm sorry if I'm repeating I didn't read further than the lovely (yes, I'm being snide) comment that suggested you should let your child sleep with you. To that lady, I would like to share: I have three boys. We have never encouraged bed sharing. Their have been, maybe, two times per kid that they've crawled into our bed. My teen (16) talks to me about all concerns he has. So there is no stilting the parent bond by expecting your child to stay in their own room.

Also, I have a few friends who are quite needy and their parents catered to them and let them sleep in their room. One until she was 13. Love my friends, but I am independent and don't expect to have someone around to entertain me 24/7. I'm not saying all kids who share their parents room turn out this way (I don't know of any studies), but I'm just going on observations from what I've seen. Chill out! Respectful advice is what this group is all about.

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I agree with your update. I have posted questions and had other parents put me down. That is not why we are here. Anyways, to your question, I went through something very similar with my son right about the same age. He is terrified of the dark and I could relate because i was too when I was a kid. We also used to lock his door at night because he would get up and one night he went into the kitchen and broke a glass tray. We realized the dangers of locking the door but we also had to weigh the other dangers when he would get out of bed and we could not hear him. However, by 3 1/2 he was mature enough for us to trust him if he got up in the middle of the night by himself. So we started leaving the door cracked open at night. This is in addition to his nightlight in his room. This made all of the difference and he is getting a better nights sleep now. (actually we all are).

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I'm going through the same thing with my daughter who just turned 3. The problem is that I can't sleep with her. She wants to be so close, and all over me, but moves constantly. One night I was awake from 3:30 on because she was kicking me. So the only thing that convinces her to sleep in her own bed is to let her keep the light on (even tho she has a nice big nightlight). She seems to be able to sleep with it on, which i don't get. If I go turn it off after she falls asleep, she later gets up and puts it back on! So, I've accepted that for now, I guess she sleeps with the light on. I guess just do what woks best for you and your daughter and hope that the phase passes!

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How sad that someone would infer a Mom is "cold, uncaring and hostile" when she's just trying to find some help and advice. JL is obviously trying to learn and do her best,(like all of us are). Why else would she open her self up for input and answers. It helps no one to be cruel! She responds to her child when she cries, is worried about her safety and is looking for help! Why tear someone down for reaching out? BTW, she did let her child sleep with her...did not lock her in her room to scream and cry. I like the dimmer switch idea. Really smart!

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The little girls sure know how to get us huh? Kills me to think that my daughter might be genuinely scared and I have to be the tough mom, but it's true, if you let them in your bed they will want to stay there....forever.
So, although we are still having this issue in our house occasionally still, here are a few things that worked for us.
1- the lady bug star light- LOVE it!!! We have one now (just got it for Christmas) and my daughter thinks it is soo cool. We added a new step to our bedtime routine (which is remarkably similar to yours lol). After books we lay on our backs and try to find shapes in the stars. She thinks it's awesome and it helps her to calm down and get those eyes tired before it's time for mom to leave the room.
2- I have a night light that was a hand-me-down from a grandparent. It's a little angel that has a switch on the cord. It is plugged in near her bed (cord secured of course) but she can control the little switch. So if she gets nervous she can just switch the light on herself. Doesn't always work, but it has helped that she's in control.
3- if she's old enough, work on some kind of reward system that she'll get in to. With my daughter we use a sticker on the calendar. Every night that she stays in her room and doesn't come out until the morning (unless to use the bathroom) she gets a sticker. We set a goal of how many and what she'd like to earn when she reaches her goal. We set the number based on the "coolness" of the reward (playdoh or clay is 5 stickers, new board game is 10, etc) She really works hard to earn her stickers and feels very proud when she does.

Just a few ideas. Hopefully something helps! Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful

We, too, have a child who is apprehensive of dark nights. We have a desk lamp that we use - I even gradually replaced the bulbs to a lower wattage so it was not as bright as an overhead. Now I have a 15 watt energy saving bulb in it. Lets see, this also started around when he was 3 and this week he turns 6 - still uses the desk lamp all night long. I would love to tell him that he cannot have it on anymore but that simply wont help. My hubby and I do not see the harm as long as he sleeps. He is happier with it on. Now with my 3 yo daughter, we havent had that problem and I simply never offered to give her a light and she is good with the 2 nightlights in her room.
I think that if it comforts your daughter more to have a light on, let her. I think your daughter is normal and just has some fears - there are some good ideas in the responses - monster spray, dog protector, - you could even "deputize" one of her stuffed animals as a protector (my son has a blue dog that he actually named "Protector" that he sleeps with.
Just know that your daughter isn't alone out there - this is normal for some kids. Good luck

1 mom found this helpful

Being afraid of the dark at this age is very normal. Who wants to be alone when you are afraid? Does she say what she is afraid of? If she hasn't, ask her. Usually it's monsters or something. If she can tell you what she is afraid of, then you can have strategies to prevent it from getting to her. Like spray water under the bed, the closet, etc. The water is monster or whatever repellent. Then every night you spray the water monster repellent. I told my kids our big dog outside would eat the monsters before they could get outside. It worked really well, until the poor dog died. Then it was the cats who ate the monsters. The point is their fears are real to them and you can't talk them out of it. It's easier (and you get more sleep!) if you play along, but in ways that works for your family. This stage can last awhile and come back when you least expect it. So if you don't want her sleeping with you, don't give in. For me it's all about my sleep. If letting them in the bed means I get more sleep, so be it. For others they wouldn't get more sleep, so then no. Everyones different. Good luck!

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Wow, I am not alone :-)

That is why I love this tool we have. Don't let the negative responses keep you from coming here to find support and ideas. When I send out my questions I always hold my breath knowing I might get a negative response and when I do I just go on to the other responses and always, there will always be more positive than negative.

I have a 3 year old going through the same thing, it's been several months of this and I also have a 18 mos old who wakes once for a bottle so Mommy doesn't get much sleep and boy am I feeling grumpy these days.
I too can't sleep with my daughter, she likes to sleep on me, I love her, I love to cuddle her but I am a better mommy the next day when I get sleep. My husband and I just this morning talked about trying something different to keep her in her bed, when I find something that works I will let you know. :-)

Hang in there, this too shall pass, at least this is what I keep telling myself. AND remember we aren't alone, sounds like most parents of 3 year old are going through this with us.

Hugs

1 mom found this helpful

sorry you got some harsh responses....sometimes these mothers forget that every household is different and not theirs....and they get kind of high and mighty.

It sounds pretty typical for the age - I remember my daughter kind of going thru a similar thing. Their imaginations are developing and this is the age that they become "afraid" of things. And then at the same age, they are all about being in control.

When my daughter went thru this stage, I tried many approaches, but the best ended up being a flashlight of all things. She could control it. I bought her five of them. LOL But it worked. Have you considered using a gate at the door or hall area, instead of the door shut? I feel exactly the same way about not wanting my daughter wandering around (well at that age I did). The gate gives them a different view/perspective than a shut door. We put a gate in the hall, just outside my daughters room, so that she could go into our room but not toward the stairs.

During this stage our daughter also wanted to sleep with us, but I kept firm that she could not. If she came in our room, I would just take her back to her room. Some nights it was like 10 times. It was awful sometimes, but she got the point I wasn't going to back down and we got over that struggle. Just be consistent because if you aren't, you know what happens.

Again, sorry you got beat up on here. I hate that. I hope you find a solution that works well for you.

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My son did the same thing when he turned three. He had always slept in his room alone with the door shut, and in the pitch black. Suddenly, he wanted the door open, the lights on, and frequently cried to sleep with us.

At 3 years old, they are finally old enough to understand that you cannot protect them from everything...especially if you aren't even there. Their imaginations are developing and they can imagine all kinds of horrors either from shows they have seen, stories they have heard, or straight from their own imaginings.

My son is now 4 1/2, and we are still not out of this "phase". My 9 year old is just as fearful, so I don't see it going away anytime soon. My advice is just to come up with a plan that works and try your best to keep from getting into anything that you aren't willing to live with for the next 5 years (like co-sleeping). We let our kids keep their bedroom doors open as long as they promise to stay in their rooms. We place a baby gate at the top of the stairs every night, mostly to keep them from going downstairs without us in the morning. We also allow them to keep the hall light on until we go to bed, but warn them that if the fits and whining begin, the light will go off. This works great for us. As for sleeping in our room, we only allow them in if they are sick enough that we feel we need to keep an eye on them, or if they come in at night with a nightmare. I always try to take them back to their own bed in the middle of the night first, but if the suggestion of it brings on hysterics, I let them stay. Half the time, they are calm enough to be taken back to bed just fine. When they do stay in our room, I make them a bed on the floor instead of inviting them into my bed... both because we all sleep better, and because it makes it less "fun", so it doesn't become a habit.

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It's not really unusual. You might find Russell and Lillian Hoban's book BEDTIME FOR FRANCES at your library and read it to your daughter (or at least to yourself).

Children can be fearful about things they can't really name or talk about. They just get... feelings. Like adults do!

One of my granddaughters went through this big time. When she would come to visit me, I left her bedroom door open, with a light on in the hall, and at one point I left the bedside lamp on, telling her she could turn it out when she was ready. (If she didn't, I'd tiptoe in and turn it off after she was sound asleep.)

You might just have to plough through this. It could be that if you try leaving a lamp on and it does help her to sleep, then she'll start getting enough rest. It may not be long before the lamp bothers her and she'll prefer it dark.

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Zero to Three has great resources for subjects like this...Here's an article on exactly this - "Why do children develop a fear of the dark and what to do" - http://www.zerotothree.org/child-development/challenging-...

D. Rice
Editor, Piedmont Family Magazine
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www.piedmontfamilymagazine.com
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yes bring her into bed with you! and no of course she will not stay there forever! probably until she's 4 or maybe 5 but definitely not forever! she needs you at night, she is telling you that so clearly! all mammals sleep with their young, and most of the people in the world sleep with their children, especially those that are from societies that are more nature-based and peaceful. she needs you, please listen to her, and you will all get a much better night's sleep. get a bigger bed if need be and enjoy her sweet cuddles before she grows up!

1 mom found this helpful

Maybe she sees monsters. This is very typical for kids. If she does while you are with her tell her they must go and tell her that she can tell them to go. Also, instead of locking her door you might put a childproof gate up so she can see out and that also might help.

N.

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I really think it is a VERY common thing. And when they get really up set sometimes they do throw up all the crying and such creates a lot of mucous and sometimes coughing and I think the gag reflex gets triggered and that is why the throw up... So not fun but not to worry.
My kids have both done this. We got a dimmer switch put in my sons room and started dimming it after he fell asleep so it wasn't all the way on. Then soon started just leaving the hallway light on with the door cracked and then now he is fine. Another fun thing might try is a flashlight if she would be okay with that and being in control of the light and seeing things.

But really I think it is just one of those no fun tough stages that for some reason they start to get afraid and such..
Sleeping with you while does make it easier all the way around at the moment in the long run just creates another habit you will have to change later. So stick it out for awhile I know it has been a month and the more she "wins" gets to sleep with yu the longer it will go on. So just hang in there.. leave the light on if you have to.. try the dimmer thing that worked great for us. This stuff isn't easy though so Good luck!!

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I had the same problem with my 3yr old daughter as well. I ended up buying her a desk lamp to put beside her bed for her to control when she wants the light on or off. In addition I have a plug in night light and this light up lady bug I got at toys r us that lights up the ceiling and walls with stars in red, blue or green. She goes to bed now with little fuss but will she wake up at around 3am to come sleep with my husband and I. Recently I've started telling her that she is no longer allowed on our bed any more but I will go to her bed and cuddle with her for a little while. I've been doing this until she falls asleep and then going back to my own bed. That's as far as I've gotten. I'll read your responses to see if any one has had better luck.

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Locking her in is simply not safe. Fear of the dark is very common at that age. It goes away by itself. In the meantime, it helps to acknowledge her fears and help her with them. For us that meant explaining that the monsters (yup, you can't rationally talk them out of what they are scared of) were good monsters who were there to watch over us and to guard the house when we were asleep or out. Many people us 'monster spray'. Can you leave the closet light on with the door partially closed - more light than a night light but less than the room light. When you start leaving her door open, you can also just leave the hall light on. She should be able to come to you if she is scared.

honestly, I personally would let her sleep with me until she was over her fear. Poor baby! Keep talking with her day and night to figure out whats going on. Obviously, shes really upset. I really would let her sleep with you for awhile until you figure it out. That is just my suggestion.